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The Pirate In Me Is Lost Somewhere At Sea

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (32)

potc281x211.jpg

A-fucking-hoy.

I’m not quite sure what to do with the trailer for Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Cumbersome title aside, it’s the fourth entry in a series that I never expected to even have a first. That said, the first entry, Curse Of The Black Pearl, was actually a solidly entertaining action-comedy, mainly of course due to the near-brilliant performance of Johnny Depp. It was just clever enough to be watchable, despite being based on a friggin’ amusement park ride.

Then, Disney decided to beat the horse, shoot it dead, feast on its steaming corpse, and then beat it some more with two increasingly terrible sequels, culminating in the horrendously unwatchable At World’s End, which managed to suck all of the joy out of a franchise that was already reeling from the terribleness of the second entry. The chemistry between Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly was nonexistent, Depp moved from amusing to ridiculous, and the effects took the place of anything resembling a story.

Now we’re back with a fourth entry, which is supposedly the next of three more films. Yikes. That said, it doesn’t look terrible. There’s less focus on effects, at least in the trailer. Depp is being Depp, playing Captain Jack Sparrow as a hapless drunk with a penchant for mischief and snark. Bloom and Knightly are gone, which I can’t complain about. The co-stars are solid — Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane as Blackbeard, and Geoffrey Rush and Keith Richards are returning as well. It’s got a new director in Rob Marshall, although I confess I just went through his IMDB page and I haven’t seen anything he’s done (although many people like Chicago and Nine).

Will it work? I have no goddamn clue. It’s got pirates and zombies and mermaids and things that go boom. Those are all, in theory, things that I like. Watch the trailer:

What say ye? I know, I know.

Needs more ninjas.

What doesn’t.









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Comments

Disney decided to beat the horse, shoot it dead, feast on its steaming corpse, and then beat it some more void the indigestible bits, and then stomp the excrement with two increasingly terrible sequels

/more precise'd

Posted by: Rykker at December 14, 2010 10:09 AM

Drinking, wenching, and Ian McShane - it's all good.


Really - who cares if they do 10 or 15 of these? They're fun, tasty snacks.

And, while I'm not a fan, Penelope Cruz steps nicely into the Smoking Hot Latina Pirate Babe role that Salma Hayek is clearly much too busy breeding billionaire babies to do now.

Disney needs to just go ahead and spring for subtitles for Penelope, though.
~~~

Posted by: Meander at December 14, 2010 10:12 AM

Tell me that's a Too Much Joy reference in the title.

Mr. Morgan wins the day. -TK

Posted by: Adam Morgan at December 14, 2010 10:18 AM

I'm just going to find it weird that IAN MCSHANE PLAYING A PIRATE won't make liberal use of the word "cunt".

Posted by: Byrd at December 14, 2010 10:18 AM

Many cheers for the TMJ reference.

Posted by: KXJXBX at December 14, 2010 10:21 AM

I skipped the last two, but Ian McShane. And at least there's no vampires in this. Right? Right?

Posted by: xoxoxoe at December 14, 2010 10:33 AM

Disney will not show the mermaid boobies, so what's left?

Despair, that's what.

Posted by: Kballs at December 14, 2010 10:42 AM

As long as they don't turn this into another epic saga'd trilogy, it could be good, clean fun. I never understood why they didn't go the serial route with the original Pirates films, they seemed a perfect replacement for Indiana Jones -- it really is too bad they stopped at three of those and never, ever (neverever) made a fourth. Sub in Johnny Depp and pirates for Harrison Ford and nazis. Let's print money!

The fact that I can't tell, based on the trailer, if this is a prequel, a sequel, or an alternate non-Swan reality is aces. So, if you don't like the Indy comparison, howzabout The Dollars trilogy? Depp in the Eastwood role and Geoffrey Rush as his Lee Van Cleef. Either way, good times.

Posted by: RobP at December 14, 2010 10:42 AM

These movies do somehow receive some sort of "Aw, Fuck It" Pass, as far as the wobbly story lines go. I put these firmly in the Fun category, which I'm sure will cause me to lose my imaginary Movie Snob card.

Plus I just got into the third season of Deadwood; Ian McShane is the fucking man. I'll go see this just for him. I agree with Byrd; it will seem odd not hearing the word "cunt" and "cocksucker" come out of his mouth every forty seconds.

Posted by: Kaleena at December 14, 2010 10:43 AM

Awww, it looks good! Really, number 3 was just about that one scene with the hundreds of Johnny Depps. That was clearly the only reason they made the movie and the only reason anyone saw it. But this one...looks like it might be an actual movie! Wow!

Posted by: esme at December 14, 2010 10:50 AM

Would it be appropriate for me to yell "cocksucker!" and "cunt!" while in a theater full of children every time Ian McShane is on the screen? I'm sure the parents would get the reference and four-year-olds already hear that shit at school. It's part of the curriculum.

Posted by: admin at December 14, 2010 10:55 AM

I cant help it. I love pirates, sailing ships, tropical islands and buried treasure. As a result these movies are like cake to my inner fat girl I cannot resist them.

Posted by: logan at December 14, 2010 11:01 AM

...although many people like Chicago and Nine...

You've actually met people who liked Nine?

Were said people previously being held in an internment camp where a staff comprised of orcs and Brundle-flies provided each of the prisoners a lobotomy before throwing them into a human-sized washing machine and sending them on an intense spin cycle in a land of ash and darkness?

If there's one thing a musical should never be: it's boring.
If there's one thing Kate Hudson should never do: it's sing.

Posted by: penelope at December 14, 2010 11:01 AM

I cant help it. I love pirates, sailing ships, tropical islands and buried treasure. As a result these movies are like cake to my inner fat girl I cannot resist them.

Posted by: logan at December 14, 2010 11:01 AM

Great balls of fire! Those were two great balls of fire, right? I think I've seen all the good parts. I'll pass.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 14, 2010 11:41 AM

"It’s got pirates and zombies and mermaids and things that go boom. Those are all, in theory, things that I like."

lolz

Posted by: Theseus at December 14, 2010 11:45 AM

The only good thing to come out of this series: Ask a Ninja reviews the second movie. Watch it, please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RSofwlndC0

Kraken! KRAKEN KRAKEN!

Posted by: figgy at December 14, 2010 11:47 AM

Not even DDLewis could save Nine, which was more like Two, as in Number.

And Chicago? Bitch please. Catherine Zeta Jones is nowhere near as great as she thinks she is. Ugh.

Posted by: klingonfree at December 14, 2010 11:47 AM

Catherine Zeta Jones is nowhere near as great as she thinks she is.

You bite your tongue, missy!

Posted by: Rykker at December 14, 2010 11:56 AM

Also: tee-hee, TK likes mermaids.

Posted by: figgy at December 14, 2010 11:59 AM

The novel it seems to be based on is great, though I'm sure they're gonna fuck it all up royally...

Posted by: theFatman at December 14, 2010 12:39 PM

I liked all three of the Pirates movies and that trailer still didn't excite me that much. I will see this because of Ian McShane no matter what though.

I think the main turn-off is Depp's written-solely-for-the-trailer line.

Posted by: Paultera at December 14, 2010 12:50 PM

Not even a little bit interested in this.

Posted by: jimbob at December 14, 2010 1:07 PM

On the one hand, it has Penélope Cruz. On the other hand, they're going to Florida. On neither hand are ninjas, who would end this movie before the title card.

Posted by: coryo at December 14, 2010 2:32 PM

After the abomination that was At World's End, I really hope this one doesn't suck. Removing Orlando Bloom & KK is a good first step, now just make the whole movie into two hours of Depp and Rush stealing the ship from each other.

Posted by: Nomanisat at December 14, 2010 3:22 PM

figgy, that was glorious.

"Plot line, plot line, it's like the Neverending Story except with no luck dragon."

Awesome.

Posted by: MyySharona at December 14, 2010 4:34 PM

No Keira Knightly or Orlando Bloom? I could warm to this. Those two inexpressive blocks of wood suck the soul out of every scene they're in and their absence is to be celebrated with street parties.

Posted by: Simon at December 14, 2010 4:57 PM

Holy cow, this has way more comments than I thought it would have.

Anyway, I actually really like the second and third. Ah, well, maybe not so much the second, but for some reason I really enjoyed the third. I think I only saw it twice, but whatever.

Of course, I'm kind of on the fence about a fourth one, and jumped all the way over said fence and four backyards over on the BAD side for three more movies. If that's even true. 'Cause I agree. Yikes.

But new director...Penelope Cruz...can't be too bad.

I love Barbosa.

Posted by: Candee at December 14, 2010 5:03 PM

Hee. I love me some Ian McShane, and Penelope Cruz is a HUGE step up from those last couple of blocks of wood, as Simon so aptly calls them. I am probably going to have to go see this.

Also, creepy mermaids. How has Hollywood not gotten on that bandwagon before now?

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at December 14, 2010 5:48 PM

I'll watch it JUST because they got rid of Keira Knightly.

Posted by: Joker at December 14, 2010 5:57 PM

"Disney needs to just go ahead and spring for subtitles for Penelope, though."

Yes, please.

Posted by: EZissou at December 14, 2010 9:09 PM

I vomited on the person seated in front of me 15 minutes into the first movie on an airplane, and I didn't even have the headphones on. So this will be yet 2 more hours of drivel I will know nothing about.

Posted by: TrickyHD at December 14, 2010 9:53 PM