November 7, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | November 7, 2008 |


We’re gonna start this morning with an old-style mini round-up, because none of these three items deserve their own post. First up, Expendables is another move written and directed by that bastion of subtlety and nuance, Sylvester Stallone. The movie is about three men who are sent to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator to liberate the population. Their team is “expendable,” hired to do jobs that no one else can or will. It’s a think piece.

But here’s the kind of cool part: Those three men will be played by Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, and … Jason motherfucking Statham. There’s little hope that The Expendables will actually be decent, but then again, Jason Statham rarely stars in good movies. That somehow doesn’t stop them from being any less entertaining. The man could liven up an orthodontist appointment. Hell, I’d let him punch out my teeth if it meant hanging out in the doctor’s office with him. He’d totally go batshit on the water cooler. It’d be awesome.

Moving on: Jack Black is going to star as the title character in a big-screen version of Jonathon Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. Haha! That’s funny cause he’s fat. It’ll be another one of those goddamn modern re-imaginings — Black will play a travel writer who goes to the Bermuda and encounters civilizations unlike his own. Like a civilization of horses. Like an island of tiny people. Haha! It’s funny cause he’s fat. Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) will pen the screenplay and Rob Letterman (Shark Tale) will direct. It stopped being funny.

Finally, to what the headline referred to — how is this for an awesome cast: Steve Martin, Lily Tomlin, John Cleese, Jean Reno, and Emily Mortimer? Sounds like a movie you’d pay to see, am I right? Well, what if I told you that the name of the movie was The Pink Panther 2?

You stopped reading didn’t you?

Here’s the ungodly painful trailer, and note the pronunciation of “Hamburger.” Oh, how you will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh:

One last note: Yesterday’s Butthole Day was one helluva success, folks. In the comments section of that post alone, there were 335 butthole mentions. I’ve never felt so proud in my life. And more importantly, neither has Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate. And her family. And my old high-school teachers. I can’t thank you all enough for helping make Butthole Day the rousing success it was. I think I might cry.

Butthole Day is over, of course, but that doesn’t mean that all the inappropriate, nonsensical butthole outbursts have to stop. I think yesterday reminded many of us that when the odds are stacked against you, when the cards aren’t in your favor, and when things are at their absolute worst, the best thing to do in that situation is butthole.

Thanks.

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So Much Talent, So Little Dignity

Hamburger / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | November 7, 2008 | Comments ()




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