Below is the trailer for Orphan, yet another of those evil kid flicks (and Vera Farmiga’s second in as many years, following Joshua). This one comes from Jaume Collett-Serra, who directed the awful House of Wax, but did treat us all to the wonders of seeing Paris Hilton speared through the head (holla!). There is the slightest of variations to this creepy-kid flick: What if you went to the adoption kennel to pick up a cute little girl with puppy dog eyes, but realized that, once you took her home, she was stark ravers? Peter Saarsgaard plays Dad, and Isabelle Fuhrman plays the apeshit preadolescent who is glue to school-girl bully taunts.
There’s nothing particularly new here, but it does offer a cinematic reminder that — if you were ever (God forbid) to lose your child prematurely to the great hereafter, don’t try to replace him or her by adopting an older child (and for that matter, if your dog dies, don’t run out and adopt the same breed of dog and give it the exact same name as your deceased, as I’ve seen once before. It creeps my shit out).
This makes me sad because I love Vera Farmiga. In fact, I recently bumped the redhead from "That 70s Show" to put Farmiga in the #1 'Chicks I'd Go Lesbian For' position.
Why is Peter Saarsgaard throwing away all his goodwill in this type of garbage?
It boggles the mind.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 24, 2009 10:55 AM
adoption kennel
This is why you're hot.
Any guesses? I'm guessing Esther suffers from Ralph Macchio disease and is actually an escaped Nazi war criminal who killed her own parents and goes around adopting new parents to off. This could actually be decent in a mediocre late-night viewing kind of way.
Oh, and hi, Vera. Why the long face? Ha!
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at March 24, 2009 10:55 AM
About 2 minutes into this trailer, something not writer is going on with Esther and Saarsguard
Posted by: Brian at March 24, 2009 10:56 AM
Jay - ever since someone mentioned Pet Semetary a couple of weeks back, and I (damn fool that I am) brought up the scary crawling lady from that movie, I can't stop thinking about it, and her. Every night.
Basically, I'm a child. And I'm exhausted.
Posted by: Kolby at March 24, 2009 10:57 AM
Zelda? Oh man she scared the shit out of me when I was a kid.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 10:59 AM
Heh, for some reason I kept reading "Oprah" instead of "Orphan." Somehow the first made more sense as a horror flick.
I'm guessing that Esther has that ribbon around her neck because she was decapitated by her birth parents back in the day. That ribbon is all that keeps her head on as she moves through time, never aging, killing all of the kids with loving families. In the end, all you have to do is remove the ribbon while she sleeps, sending her back to hell!
Posted by: Dangle McGee at March 24, 2009 11:09 AM
Like the guy at the end of that "Amazing Stories"!
So the lesson is that all orphans are inherently evil?
Orphans are the third leading cause of the war in Iraq behind oil and chimpanzees. They never sneeze and have tiny hands, the better to devour your eyelids.
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 11:20 AM
Lainey,
I hear peach yoghurt is delicious with pine nuts...
If orphans are inherently evil, what would a red-headed orphan be? I'm thinking like the Nothing, destroying everything in its path.
Posted by: Kolby at March 24, 2009 11:36 AM
Yeah, I love pine nuts so much. I really pity the kind of people that can't eat pine nuts because of "flavor reactions" or somesuch. Such a sad and wasted life. No delicious pine nuts in your pesto? That's a life not worth living.
See what Stalkey Facebook has created? Inside jokes. And now the little Pajiban Facebook friends club has all their own little things to titter about. (I hate stalkey Facebook.)
Also, (speaking of Facebook) We were trying to summon you yesterday, Jay but you never showed. Julie and I are disappointed.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 24, 2009 11:48 AM
But without Stalkey Facebook, you would never know the joys of the Walken twitter, Optimus.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 11:49 AM
If orphans are inherently evil, what would a red-headed orphan be?
Redundant.
Posted by: branded at March 24, 2009 11:51 AM
Maaan. Peter Sarsgaard and a creepy black haired chiled in victorian doll clothing?
I'll probably see this.
Sarsgaard.
Need I say more?
Saaaaaaaaaaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.
Plus, creepy evil kid films are like crack for me,(mostly...that nonsensical one with the otherwise awesome robot Cameron Bright where he's a clone of himself and DeNiro's hellspawn was fucking stupid) I never find them scary but I love the idea of kids being hella evil, becase they ARE damn it.
And this kid seems like a perfect piece of casting with the affected speech and jet black hair.
Maybe I wont PAY to see it. But That doesn't mean I wont watch it.
Total sidebar, while I'd never condone violence against children, and would in fact intervene if I witnessed it in public or suspected it in private, did anyone else give a whoop of support when Sam Rockwell beat the tar out of that little demon Joshua?
Also maybe Vera Farmiga should stop MAKING CHILDREN EVIL. Ordinarily I'd say THEY where just fucked up but in Joshua and apparently this, two perfectly nice, intelligent, creative children get within five feet of her and turn inexplicably demonic. I have no reason to believe they where evil BEFORE Farmiga and her oddly absent bottom lip got within proximity, so I can only surmise she was the cause.
Jus'sayin
Posted by: Nadine at March 24, 2009 11:51 AM
So we're saying that Annie is in fact an unstoppable force of pure malevolent evil, determined to erase the universe?
It would explain why Aileen Quinn never really had a career.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 11:55 AM
We were trying to summon you yesterday
By what means? Me and Jason Loewenstein aren't no mind readers!
She was a ginger demon, Julie, and don't you forget it! Don't let her succubus ways confuse your mind!
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 12:07 PM
You see? Shit like this is why I don't have kids. One minute it's aw cute lookit him in his little hat, and the next he's all creepy eyes and fucked up drawings. Then it's just a matter of time until he's pushing the wife down a flight of stairs and stabbing the dog and cutting my break lines.
Little bastards can't be trusted is all I'm saying.
Also to settle this debate once and for all; is anyone here an orphan or adoptee who was adopted late enough(as in when you where old enough) on to remember it?
Or possibly the child of a parent suffering Post Natal depression or some Illness that meant that you missed out on that crucial bonding period with your mother in your early months?
Did you charm your adoptive parents/remaining parent with whom you have an apparently loving bond, with your apparent indifference to childish things and preference for the more fulfilling and artistic hobbies available in your strictly religious, snow covered orphanage(located in what is always Canada pretending to be Richishville USA)/upper middle class New York Apartment,
Where the adopters/natural parents an attractive, youngish couple who in the past suffered the loss/death/post natal depression of a child and have struggled to come to terms with their feelings of inadequacy or failure as parental unis?
Are you an oddly intelligent, highly creative yet ultimately sociopathic serial-killer-in-the-making who wants to kill your new family's pets/natural born children/extended family/interfering friends/creepy red herring neighbour/any and all police officers nearby? Does your urge to kill and harm extend to school children your own age?
Are you possibly Macauly Culkin and if confronted with Elijah Wood, will you push him off a cliff? Alternatively have you ever inspired either Sam Rockwell or Greg Kinear, two guys generally considered to be quite nice, into actually or wanting to reap unholy vengeance about your face and body due to your misbehaviour and manipulation of those around them which has resulted in they or their partners being made to look insane?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you are not necassarily an orphan(not all evil kids are orphans, but all orphans are evil kids...wait, Elijah was a half orphan in the Good Son and he was good) but you are almost definately a danger to society.
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 12:11 PM
We were hoping that by posting enough of your favorite things on Julie's status, you'd somehow sense it. It started when someone mentioned Homicide and you didn't pop up.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 24, 2009 12:12 PM
Also to settle this debate once and for all; is anyone here an orphan or adoptee who was adopted late enough(as in when you where old enough) on to remember it?
Ahem. Twice.
If I were ginger, I'd have gone Unicron on this bitch long ago.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 12:16 PM
so... it's The Good Son? only with an adopted chick?
Also, did someone ask for an axe? because you know I always have one handy....
Posted by: lizzieborden at March 24, 2009 12:17 PM
Kill it with fire!
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 12:18 PM
Admin;
So is black or red haired adoptees is it
(also, no insensitivity intended so sorry in advance if it seems so)?
The blondes and brunettes are safe?
This is interesting to know. What if you're adopting from a place where black or red hairis the prevalent colour? As in, from a race who has almost exclusively black or red hair? If it's a national thing does it cancel out Teh Evilz?
Posted by: Nadine at March 24, 2009 12:22 PM
Admin....I notice you only answered ONE question?
Does this mean YOU are evil?
Posted by: Nadine at March 24, 2009 12:23 PM
I was adopted, but it kind of a "right out the hatch!" kind of adoption. I know my birthmother now, though. We're good friends and she's even coming to the hospital tomorrow to see my new son.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 12:23 PM
No, no, no. The blondes and the brunettes are in no way safer, especially if the blonde ones are blue eyed and in packs. And if the brunnettes are twins and asking you to play with them, RUN.
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 12:26 PM
There's a Walken twitter? I'm on Stalkey Facebook, why was I not informed?
Snath, that makes you safe then, the focus in these films seems to be in kids suffering attachment disorders.
Also, girl moment AAW BEBEH!!!'ahem.
Congrats on the birth.
jM damn it you've saved me there. It's true. But wait...If it's a solitary blue eyed blonde is that evil? Do the brunettes and blondes have a critical mass of two before Evilz is acquired?
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 12:29 PM
Snath, I played Annie once in school. I wonder if that means anything?
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 12:29 PM
(also, no insensitivity intended so sorry in advance if it seems so)?
None taken, tis an amusing tale to say the least.
I am a brunette, they are not safe.
Snath, that's cool. I know mine too, but a tale for another day.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 12:29 PM
It means everything jM.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 12:30 PM
Yes. That would certainly explain a lot.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 12:32 PM
I'm not either, AvB. stupid work.
Posted by: lizzieborden at March 24, 2009 12:33 PM
oh jM.
Just dont eat my face okay?
Admin, good to know then =)
But also, damn it. If all hair colours make for evil childrens then what chance do we have?
LOOK, EVERYONE. Google that 'How many five year olds could you take in a fight' Quiz, and report back with results.
Those who can go berserker rage and take out hundreds need to be on the frontlines, lowering their numbers even as they swarm us. If you can only take one or two, focus your abilities. You will be the Final Line, the few that get through will be your responsibility.
The *insert royal family or macguffin here* must be protected from their grubby little hands.
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 12:37 PM
Nadine, if you only see one, then the others are behind you. And all is lost.
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 12:38 PM
We are watching.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 12:40 PM
28 5 Year olds. BRING IT!
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 24, 2009 12:43 PM
jM!!! Mean! *looks behind her self* meeep!
True story, while on a holiday in NYC with the 'rents we where staying at the Marriot. Walking through one of its long and windowles corridors, my dad and I, walking ahead of my mum, stepped around a corridor and stopped dead in our tracks. There in the centre of the corridor, was a child. She wore a little red coat, white tights, alice in wonderland style little black shoes, and tiny white gloves. She stood with her back straight, feet together, her hands at 45 degree angles from her body, her head tipped slightly to one side, and she observed us quizzically, like a cat watches a mouse it hasn't decided to eat yet, her face set in a tiny, polite, yet maniacal smile as her somehow dead yet judging eyes where fixed upon us...
As one, my dad and I stepped back around the corner and whispered frantically that if she wasn't there when we looked, we would leave the hotel at once.
We looked back around. She was gone.
We never did figure it out, but we stayed in the hotel because my mum didn't believe we'd seen her.
Posted by: Nadine at March 24, 2009 12:44 PM
Hmmmmmmmm a small, skinny, pale, dark haired child with terrible dress sense and a sociopathic need for attention? Nadine face it this film is based on you! Except you weren't adopted so much as found in a dumpster...on prom night....by hungry wolves.
Posted by: nieve at March 24, 2009 12:45 PM
SHUT UP NIEVE I TOTALLY WASN'T!!!!!!!!
Ahem.
I mean to say, that is a mistruth you raving bizzitch, dont think I wont cut you
Posted by: Nadine at March 24, 2009 12:46 PM
We never did figure it out, but we stayed in the hotel because my mum didn't believe we'd seen her.
???? Have these films taught you nothing?!
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 12:50 PM
Also I could take 30 kids in a fight. I didnt do a quiz I just went next door to the nursery.
Posted by: nieve at March 24, 2009 12:50 PM
Apparently I could take 25 five year olds in a fight. I am not sure how accurate that would actually be.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 12:51 PM
JM Please don't feed her delusions I beg you!!!
Posted by: nieve at March 24, 2009 12:52 PM
I saw this movie already, except Esther had a penis. It was called Mikey.
5 Year Olds are pretty breakable. I was helping a friend of mine babysit after I'd just done this quiz and I may have sized up the 5 year old a little. (Yeah, I could use you as a weapon if I had to...)
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 24, 2009 12:55 PM
I'm 1/2 adopted. My mother's second husband adopted my sister and me when I was eight. I'd almost say I was 100% adopted, since my mom seems to have more than one distinct personality and I'm pretty sure the mother I had when I was little is not the same person I call "mom" now. I'm brunette, fairly intelligent, and I (still) have an overactive imagination. I'm not prone to criminal activity, but I'm pretty sure I could kill if provoked, and probably without remorse.
Posted by: Kolby at March 24, 2009 12:56 PM
Hm, 15 five-year-olds.
Sounds about right. I'm kind of a weenie, but not above using them as human shields/battering rams.
I took that quiz before (I think jM had it posted on her blog) and I had a laughably low score of like 6. I guess I'll be in the back, shouting encouraging words.
Posted by: tamatha at March 24, 2009 1:13 PM
I can take 30 five year olds. So, that means front lines for me. Damn.
On the evil child note, after seeing one to many evil seed themed movies, my friends and I thought it would be funny to go to the mall and admire children in strollers. Then we'd back away slowly while making the sign of the cross while wearing our Catholic school uniforms. Of course, I realize this was very wrong.
Posted by: Sharopa at March 24, 2009 1:19 PM
That's why you topped my list Kolby. A dark-haired, intelligent, imaginative, and remorseless killer. I feel flushed all of a sudden.
Posted by: branded at March 24, 2009 1:21 PM
Wrongest quiz, AvB, or most right quiz? I'm going to go with most right. I can just feel it in my soul. Hypothetically savaging a horde of young children is the highlight of my day.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 1:23 PM
When I was nine, I saw a kid shivering in church and threw holy water at her. I don't care if it was December.
Posted by: jM at March 24, 2009 1:26 PM
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 1:23 PM
This form the man who has a small child, and another one on the way/just arrived?
Don't fear for mine. AvB, they are well trained. The one that is currently incubating, however, is already developing an attitude. Adjustment begins early in the admin household.
When I was nine, I saw a kid shivering in church and threw holy water at her.
That happened to me, I still have the scars.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 1:34 PM
*sigh* I love you guys. Knowing we can defeat the brats....i'll sleep tonight
Posted by: nadineno at March 24, 2009 1:36 PM
Saaarrrrsgaaaaarrrrd.
They already did the adopted-orphan-who-turns-evil thing in The Ring. Remember? the girl they adopted turned out to be a psycho who killed horses and shit.
I just took the quiz, and I'm disappointed that I could only take 24 five-year olds. I knew I should have clicked "athletic" instead of "slim/slender!"
Posted by: Kolby at March 24, 2009 1:43 PM
You shouldn't fear for them, you should fear them. They can survive me being their father, you don't want to know what they can do to the rest of you.
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 1:44 PM
Wait. My name then should have read NADINE not nadineno.
Nadineno is like BizarroSuperman, but less lame.
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 1:46 PM
The Bad Seed.
That was the original, that little girl was the product of an adopted mom, whose mother had been a psychopath...so it skipped a generation. I wonder if that is the twist, or if it is more of a "she's really an adult midget in kids clothes.
Posted by: MRod at March 24, 2009 1:47 PM
17 five year olds! I'm happy with that number. I would just grab the skinniest kid there and use him/her as a nunchuck.
Don't underestimate the effectiveness of psychological warfare against five year olds. You'd be surprised how quickly they lose their will to fight when you break it to them that Santa doesn't really exist.
Posted by: branded at March 24, 2009 2:00 PM
Julie!! Bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaaa!!!!
Aaaw Lizzie, the feeling is mutual
Mrod, I remember the film of the Bad Seed, the make up that kid had to wear was mental, she looked like a hooker but in black and white it worked
I'd kick her skinny blonde ass too
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 2:00 PM
I saw this during filming in T.O and ran in into Vera Farmiga. her face was as long as it is in the movie...I'm thinking either she's a method actress or it was the fucking -25 cold of a Toronto winter night.
Posted by: sara at March 24, 2009 2:02 PM
Branded, I would go for the jugular and tell all the kids whose parents split up that the divorce was their fault.
Sorry. Nadineno excaped and is being a devilish witch creature and will be re-imprisoned at once
Posted by: nadineno at March 24, 2009 3:07 PM
Ignore that last message. Nadineno is on The Crack. I shall Deal With Her.
Posted by: nadine at March 24, 2009 3:08 PM
Good afternoon everybody, I’m sure you all were wondering where was I. I had a doctor’s appointment to get my lab results. Everything turned out great my cholesterol level was 177, my bp was 130/78. My doctor was kinda shocked at my cholesterol level being what it was seeing as I’m overweight, I told him even though I’m overweight I still find time to exercise and I try to eat right, well as best I can. Anyway I just got back from blockbuster, I rented the new James bond piece, I’m going to get a bowl of cereal and I’ll talk to you guys later.
Posted by: Pookie at March 24, 2009 3:34 PM
LOL POOKIE TTYL!
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 3:46 PM
I hope it was Cheerios, Pooks. We'd hate to lose ya to a clogged artery.
Posted by: Kolby at March 24, 2009 4:49 PM
I bet it was All Bran.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 4:56 PM
Apparently I am way better at kicking old-folk ass then pre-school. 32 to 26. I am fighting the urge to test my mad skills.
Posted by: grinder at March 24, 2009 4:57 PM
Thanks Kolby but my fate has been sealed, my end time draws nigh. Soon, I will belong to the ages. I’m not really a cheerios fan, but you give me some captain crunch and you’ve got me. I’ll fuck for some captain crunch.
Posted by: Pookie at March 24, 2009 5:01 PM
I fucking knew it!
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 5:08 PM
What did you fucking know, admin?
Posted by: Pookie at March 24, 2009 5:22 PM
I figured you for a Captain Crunch whore.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 5:37 PM
Yes admin, guilty as charged. I was about thirteen at the time and I was spending the weekend at my grandparent’s home. I’ll never forget it was a Saturday night and “BJ and the Bear” had just concluded. My cousin who was fifteen at the time asked me if I wanted some cereal and I said yes. We sat at the table in the kitchen and started eating, my cousin wore a short dress. Under the table she was kicking me while we ate. I got tired of her kicking me that I stomped on her foot. She put her leg on the table to look at her foot, and in the process I saw her panties. She saw me looking and she smiled, my dick got rock hard, nothing happened but to this day I got a feeling that I could have tap that if I would have asked. So whenever we see each other I ask her if she wants some cereal and we laugh.
Posted by: Pookie at March 24, 2009 6:07 PM
Um, congratulations?
Posted by: Snath at March 24, 2009 6:18 PM
Congratulations, for what? Snath, I said I didn’t tap it, I think I could have but I didn’t. If you want to congratulate me, congratulate me for tapping one of my other cousins, we were in our early twenties at the time and we were both adults so it wasn’t anything dirty or nothing. To tell you the truth I shouldn’t be congratulated for anything, she had broken up with her boyfriend and since we were close she came to me because she was hurt and she didn’t have anyone to turn to. I was a sympathetic ear so we started talking and one thing led to another.
Posted by: Pookie at March 24, 2009 6:34 PM
Pookie, I love you man.
Posted by: admin at March 24, 2009 6:45 PM
only 18 5 year olds??? what the hell? I think I've been also unfairly maligned by my weight class, 'cause I could take me down some brats anytime.
Once in IKEA a child was incessantly crying, driving me insane and I said "I'm gonna kill that kid if he doesn't shut up" to my husband. Except I have a stupidly loud voice, so it came out booming and everyone turned to me with narrowed hater-eyes and I had to slink out of the artsy-mod rug section and hide by the towels until I was safe.
Anyhow, Snath, congrats on the little one. Enjoy!!
This makes me sad because I love Vera Farmiga. In fact, I recently bumped the redhead from "That 70s Show" to put Farmiga in the #1 'Chicks I'd Go Lesbian For' position.
I'm sure she's honored.