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I Bet Tolkien Wished He Wrote This

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (23)

cranky_orc.jpg

Peter Jackson? While he’s been busy not making The Hobbit, which has now ballooned into a $900 million, six film undertaking that contractually involves beheading a member of the New Zealand actors’ union for every megabyte of processed digital effects, Ben Carson scraped together $2 million to make the low budget Orcs!. Orcs invade a national park and the park rangers fight back and try to survive. If the exclamation point in the title wasn’t enough to convince you just how B-movie awesome this film is, and that plot description sounds overly serious, here’s the tag line: “They’ll eat your face off.”

Here’s the trailer:



Now I know that this isn’t from a Hemingway novel, but that’s what I call a movie. They’re still looking for a distributor, but I can’t comprehend how this doesn’t end up on Netflix or SyFy at some point.


(source: Blastr)









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Comments

Is it just me or is the orc in the header pic a dead ringer for Rush Limbaugh?

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 26, 2010 10:10 AM

Looks like it needs two exclamation points, possibly three!!!

Posted by: Paul Southworth at October 26, 2010 10:11 AM

That...I... Well.

If I were Tolkein, I certainly would have wished I wrote this.

Posted by: Shibuyama at October 26, 2010 10:26 AM

Eehhh, that's a few grades above the-channel-formerly-recognized-as-SciFi channel fare.
Way too short on craptacular-level CGI.

Posted by: Rykker at October 26, 2010 10:29 AM

This looks like the stupidest fantasy flick ever.

Where do I queue for my ticket?

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at October 26, 2010 10:29 AM

Looks like it needs two exclamation points, possibly three!!!

And maybe some ones to really get the point across!!!1111!!1

Posted by: admin at October 26, 2010 10:32 AM

I can get behind a Tolkein/Shaun of the Dead mash-up, what I can't get behind is lifting shots directly from Shaun of the Dead without putting a new spin on them... other than Orc blood is darker than Zombie blood, I guess?

This is the definiton of a Netflix Watch Instantly title. Preferably with a group of friends named Jim, Jack, and William.

Posted by: RobP at October 26, 2010 10:44 AM

Can't wait for the sequel:

2rcs!

Posted by: Paul Southworth at October 26, 2010 10:44 AM

ugh, ok yes, i would probably see this, but god, i HATE when people put their fingers in a pool of blood and then "examine" it. and in this trailer, it was a BIG BLOODY HAND PRINT. hmmm, let me just touch it and then rub it between my fingers a bit...OH SHIT, Y'ALL! THIS IS BLOOD! WE ARE IN DANGER!!!
dumbassess.

Posted by: gp at October 26, 2010 10:45 AM

The Sad thing is that there was a really good novel with the same name that would have been a hilarious movie.

A group of Orcs on the run find a dead dragon lair. In it are weapons from a Marine Corps depot and it has a curse "You will become what you take".

So the Orcs become Jar heads with undead orcs becoming a special forces recon unit! It gets pretty funny as the Orcs start winning against good and (If I remember right) turn around and become good b/c they are marines.

There's even a Elve vs Orc Football game that has a few decapitations in it. It's pretty awesome and this is coming from someone who is not a fan of fantasy.

Of course given how Hollywood loves to screw up good work...maybe it's better this way.

Posted by: ChuckFilm at October 26, 2010 11:04 AM

Give the film some credit. The use of practical effects means it can jump over the SyFy CGI-only threshold and comfortably land in Chiller territory.

Posted by: Robert at October 26, 2010 11:07 AM

"god, i HATE when people put their fingers in a pool of blood and then "examine" it."

Posted by: gp

My favourite part (or perhaps the only part I actually enjoyed) of Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving" trailer is when the two cops are next to the headless corpse and one of the cops dips his finger in the pool of blood, tastes it and says, "it's blood" and the other cop says, "...Son of bitch!"

Mmmmm, that's good parody!

Posted by: DarthBrookes at October 26, 2010 11:13 AM

That is one damn fine porn-stache on that park ranger.

Posted by: peachfish at October 26, 2010 11:20 AM

I call bullshit!
There is no way that piece of crap cost $2million.

Posted by: supafly at October 26, 2010 12:04 PM

I thought orcs couldn't freely frolic in sunlight.

Yeah I'm a dorc.

Posted by: Barry at October 26, 2010 12:32 PM

Wow, I'm impressed by the mustaches alone.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at October 26, 2010 12:36 PM

How do you raise 2 million for that concept? I'd rather just pay off college debt for me and 15 other people. And I totally agree "I call bullshit!
There is no way that piece of crap cost $2million.
Posted by: supafly at October 26, 2010 12:04 PM "

Posted by: e at October 26, 2010 12:44 PM

Yes, ChuckFilm! That book was the first thing I thought of when I saw this post, but it's titled 'Grunts!'. My boyfriend loved it, I'm currently halfway through it. This movie does look like craptastic fun, but an adaptation of that book would be even better.

Posted by: Annabanana at October 26, 2010 3:07 PM

Well, when I saw those porn-staches on the park rangers I had high hopes that this was going to be some really creative porn. Color me disappointed.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 26, 2010 3:52 PM

Yeah, this looks like the worst kind of cheese, but “They’ll eat your face off.” That's good, people. Also, don't trash the 'stache. I wish to our patron saint St. Tom Selleck that mine was that luxuriant.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at October 26, 2010 11:03 PM

I need a copy of this. Stat.

Posted by: Fuckchop at October 27, 2010 10:12 PM

So... a low budget horror movie where EVERY protagonist is the dim cop from "Cabin Fever"? I think I'll pass.

Posted by: Craig at October 28, 2010 9:41 AM

Check out Archstone Distribution's page for Orcs! with the official artwork here: http://archstonedistribution.com/movies/view/Orcs

Posted by: AlexSW at February 10, 2011 2:17 PM