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The New Three Musketeers Trailer: I Can Think Of Five Good Reasons To See This Movie

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (62)

the_three_musketeers_movie_photo_2011.jpg

Ready?

Matthew MacFayden, who rocks my shit in “MI5.”

Juno Temple, who simply fucking rocks.

Milla.

The fight choreography looks decent.

Ray Stevenson

Now, the trailer:

Those five reasons are not enough to save this disaster.

Yes, this apparently takes place in some sort of alternate universe where everyone knows kung fu and there are flying airships and Orlando Bloom’s hair DEFIES THE LAWS OF GOD HIMSELF.

Discuss.









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Comments

Is this a joke?

What does this stinking shite have to do with The Three Musketeers?

Posted by: Barry at June 29, 2011 8:09 AM

How do you know? Where you there? No you weren't, so who are you to say it didn't happen like that? It all looks plausible to me. Highly plausible.

Just like that last Sherlock Holmes movie...

Posted by: Nick at June 29, 2011 8:10 AM

Sweet gibbering pooflinging demonmonkeys. Hollywoods genepool needs more chlorine.

Posted by: Derfelcadarn at June 29, 2011 8:19 AM

Where did you get Kung Fu from? Obiviously it was pretty basic Krav Maga, the Jewish influence during this period is pretty well documented.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 29, 2011 8:28 AM

Well the book's kinda long...

You can't really expect a filmmaker to do that much reading.

Posted by: Wembley at June 29, 2011 8:47 AM

Wow. They are allowed to say "From the novel by Alexander Dumas?" Not "From an unholy mashup of Dumas and Jules Verne with a heaping helping of plot points from a room of 12 year olds"?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 29, 2011 8:52 AM

It looks pretty interesting to me, except the 3d part.

Posted by: TheOtherGreg at June 29, 2011 8:54 AM

By 3d I mean 3D. And by interesting I mean as a fantasy movie, not a historical drama.

Posted by: TheOtherGreg at June 29, 2011 8:58 AM

OH MY SAINTED AUNT! Is this actually a joke? It must be a joke. Tell me it's a joke. Because it's definitely funny; I know I laughed. But then again I also felt incredibly sad. Hmm. Is it a tragedy, with funny bits?

Posted by: Caspar at June 29, 2011 9:05 AM

If I were to try and go see this, my intestines would explode from my abdomen and strangle me in self-defense.

And as I lay there bleeding on the theater lobby, my dying words would be, "Oh, God, thank you."

Posted by: jthomas666 at June 29, 2011 9:07 AM

Is it too much to ask that a movie claiming to be based on a novel actually be based on the novel? How sad is it when the version with Charlie Sheen in it actually seems more accurate? I mean it's not like the original material was dull. Give them a new adventure if you must, but at least try to make it seem like some Dumas would have come up with.

And sweet cupin' cakes, can no one do a FRENCH accent these days? Or if you're going to have English accents can we at least all have the same one? Fuck me, did Lerman's D'Artangion go to the same acting school Costner's Robin Hood did? If someone came up to me in 1625 France with a California accent, I'd eviscerate him out of principle alone.

What's with the steampunk? It's like Wild Wild West, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Stardust all took turns bukkake-ing all over this. All those blimp-frigates needs now is for them to sprout some mechanical spider legs...please God don't make that happen.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 29, 2011 9:10 AM

You had me at Milla.

Posted by: Meander at June 29, 2011 9:11 AM

I have a little bile in my mouth now, thnx!

Posted by: Magiel at June 29, 2011 9:14 AM

I like that they open with Ray Stevenson's hand sitting menacingly on the hilt of his sword and then give us a trailer that uses every possible device other than swordplay to save the day.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 29, 2011 9:23 AM

*clears throat* Um, well, when they advertise "Like Never Before," they really mean it. Somebody needs to do an intervention on Hollywood.

Posted by: Stinky at June 29, 2011 9:28 AM

Flying Paniers of Death!!!!

Posted by: StoatCat at June 29, 2011 9:32 AM

Oh would you stop bitching people. If you want the real thing go read the book. Or watch the movies closer to the books. This movie is fun. Remember fun? Obviously it's not meant to be a serious movie. Can't you people take it for what it is and enjoy some brainless and fun action?


P.S Agreed on the excellence of Milla

Posted by: Minto at June 29, 2011 9:34 AM

Previous comment made in the middle of the trailer.

My goodness, how delightfully preposterous a film is this! I have to admit, part of me wants to go see this film with a flask of whiskey or madeira and just giggle my way through it. Also, I kind of have a lady-boner for those airship-frigates. I am a huge Napoleonic buff and enjoy the steampunk stuff to a certain extent, so even if this is not exactly the right era, the idea of sky-frigates fills me with delight. This looks like Boozehound Cinephile fodder for sure.

Posted by: StoatCat at June 29, 2011 9:41 AM

If shirts come off and they make me giggle (not about their shirts coming off, that would be mean.) It will be great on Netflix. I think everyone should just agree to ignore any phrase that sounds like “based on a novel or based on a true story”. I have set up a SPAM folder that automatically flushes these words out of my brain. Thank you Starship Troopers, I couldn’t have done it without ya.

Posted by: karen at June 29, 2011 9:55 AM

Just for the record here, "fun" and "intelligent" are not antonyms. You want to make a steampunk epic, just F'n make one. Don't co-opt Dumas' work because you're too F'n lazy to work up characters, setting or atmosphere.

Posted by: mrcreosote at June 29, 2011 9:59 AM

MrCreosote, I wholeheartedly agree. Why on Earth anyone Out There can't have an original thought completely defeats me. Christ on a crutch, Hollywood writers, try actually reading something other than the same old material.

How about a movie derived from Randall Garrett's Lord Darcy stories?

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 29, 2011 10:15 AM

Can't you people take it for what it is and enjoy some brainless and fun action?

Except when they're brainless and not fun. Brainless and fun is Shaun of the Dead.

Right? Brainless? Dead zombies? Get it? Ehhhhh, they can't all be gold, you bastards.

Posted by: branded at June 29, 2011 10:17 AM

Okay, I love Ray Stevenson. That's about it.

But, Orlando Bloom's hair reminds me of the guy from "Your Highness", (Simon Farnaby of the Mighty Boosh) every time he was on screen I was cracking up, hair can be entertainingly hilarious. That is about all that will save this movie. And yes... accents? Does anyone do them anymore? Actors get paid too much... lazy sons of bitches.

This would be totally awesome on MST3K.

Posted by: MRod at June 29, 2011 10:18 AM

Does Matthew Macfadyen have a speaking part?

Count me in!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at June 29, 2011 10:23 AM

Posted by: Minto at June 29, 2011 9:34 AM


By your standards let's say I make a movie about a submarine with robot ninjas that can summon dragons, then I'm gonna call it Moby Dick by Herman Melville.

And that's okay with you.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 29, 2011 10:34 AM

I'll wait for the Asylum remake, which will almost certainly contain less bucklings of swash and more punks of steam, and absolutely nothing relating to Dumas.

Though, it might be kind of nice to see Milla kicking butt and taking names sans sci-fi trappings for once.

Posted by: RobP at June 29, 2011 10:40 AM

the horror.

Posted by: splinter at June 29, 2011 10:46 AM

They're the Three Musketeers. But there's four of them.

And the term "Musketeer" implies the occasional use of Muskets, methinks. But they seem to be employing the exclusive use of swords.

Sooo...

Fuck this?

Posted by: superasente at June 29, 2011 10:47 AM

"I'll wait for the Asylum remake, which will almost certainly contain less bucklings of swash and more punks of steam, and absolutely nothing relating to Dumas."


-Oh Rob, you really need to be more careful what you wish for....
http://theasylum.cc/product.php?id=192

Posted by: bleujayone at June 29, 2011 11:02 AM

I can think of one: Milla.

Posted by: seth at June 29, 2011 11:02 AM

Hold the goddamn phone. I saw a preview (or was it a trailer?) for this that had no fucking airships and looked pretty fun. Plus, Ray Stevenson! But what the fuck happened between the thing that I saw and this? When did it turn into Baron Munchausen?

Posted by: ahamos at June 29, 2011 11:19 AM

I would totally watch this if I caught it while flipping channels. And since I haven't read the book, it wouldn't offend my delicate sensibilities.

Posted by: tamatha at June 29, 2011 11:22 AM

Rob! What did you DO?!?! The Asylum heard you and created an abomination. Damnit. And I thought Moby Dick 2010 was bad.

Posted by: JenVegas at June 29, 2011 11:26 AM

I didn't see any of those musketeers using a musket! They might as well call themselves knifey-sword guys.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 29, 2011 11:37 AM

This is the way movies are made. You mash-up whats been done before(3 musketeers) with what somebody thinks is hot(steampunk) and it's CANT MISS BABY!

Am glad to see Ray is getting some work.

Posted by: logan at June 29, 2011 11:39 AM

Looks like steampunk is the new 3D. It may not make sense to the story, but go ahead and shoehorn it in so you can fill more theater seats.

Posted by: Wednesday at June 29, 2011 11:43 AM

So, I didn't catch who the director of this was, but based on the trailer, I'm guessing Bay?

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 29, 2011 11:47 AM

Disaster? Or craptastic catastrophe?

Posted by: Parker at June 29, 2011 11:48 AM

Exactly, Wednesday!

Say hi to your uncle for me will you?

Posted by: logan at June 29, 2011 11:52 AM

Muskets were notoriously unwieldy and could not be used for close combat so most of the early units furnished with muskets preferred to to use the swords they were more confident of.

Also, Milla appears to have acquired a bosom.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 29, 2011 12:07 PM

Why, oh why, can't this just be an original property? I mean, ok, it looks like it might have some fun bits. I just hate that they pretend it's a work of classic literature, when it very clearly is not.

"Featuring characters with names out of The Three Musketeers!"

There we go. Carry on.

Posted by: foolsage at June 29, 2011 12:38 PM

This makes that one redo with that kid from Grey's Anatomy in it look like GOLD. But, I'll still watch it. Just not go to a theater. When you watch as much crap as I do, you tend to think : is it shiny? Does it have pretty? is it splodey enough?
These become the important things.

Posted by: DeckOfficer at June 29, 2011 12:48 PM

The League of Extraordinary Musketeers?

Posted by: Odnon at June 29, 2011 1:14 PM

Looks like some mindless fun, with Ray Stevenson and Milla Jovovich and Final Fantasy IX-style airships and Orlando Bloom's hairdo (which probably is a better actor than Orlando Bloom).

Also, no point in getting all riled up about the whole "From the classic novel"-thing. Chill, people.

Posted by: Rooks at June 29, 2011 1:15 PM

Ok, I watched with the sound off, but this looks fun to me. Since there already ARE fairly faithful adaptations of the 3M, it doesn't bother me in that regard.

Milla does look amazing, though I could do without the Matrix-like avoidance of i dunno, was that flying finials? But they sadly de-sexified Macfayden, which is a big shame...

still, I'd consider seeing this for lighthearted fun. Looks more enjoyable to me than another "elite assassin squad" movie.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at June 29, 2011 1:15 PM

I can't believe I just watched this trailer AGAIN, but I did. If they hadn't called it The Three Musketeers, but, rather, just said it was a nod to Dumas' novel (wink, wink; like a Wicked or a Grendel's Mother, or the other gazillions of that genre) AND had given it a fun title, it might seem interesting.

Even with at least five good reasons to see this movie, the trailer needed to be a little more self-mocking, or something, what with all the inconsistencies. To start it out with the dramatic music and the words, "There are things in this world worth fighting and dying for," well, it's just asking to be bitch-slapped.

Posted by: Stinky at June 29, 2011 1:28 PM

And sweet cupin' cakes, can no one do a FRENCH accent these days? Or if you're going to have English accents can we at least all have the same one?

Having them speak with a French accent is equally ridiculous given that the characters are French people who would be speaking actual French in the first place, not any kind of accented English at all. That would distract me a lot more (not that I plan to see the abomination). Furthermore, the characters themselves would likely have different accents even if they were speaking French, based on the region, station in life, etc. Some of the actors are presumably using their native voices.

Posted by: appwitch at June 29, 2011 2:08 PM

*stares*

I don't want to live on this planet any more

Posted by: placidandy at June 29, 2011 2:11 PM

Oh Lookie! Somebody's outrunning fire, again.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 29, 2011 2:16 PM

An alternate universe...in which Buckingham is in France?

Posted by: sprophet at June 29, 2011 3:06 PM

I'm with Mrs. Julien: if Matthew McFayden opens his mouth, I'm in. That's potential of Rickmanite proportions.

Milla Jovovich kicking ass in a hoop skirt is kind of awesome too.

Juno Temple wins because a) she shares my birthday b) she has an awesome name and c) she was in Atonement and can therefore do no wrong.

As for the rest, I got bored halfway through, after being painfully reminded of the otherwise unmemorable League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Posted by: Zirze at June 29, 2011 3:35 PM

1. The guy behind the projector accidentally puts on Oldboy and you can watch that instead of this movie.
2. You're going to the movie theater to have sex in and need to pick a movie absolutely no one else will be in.
3. Your family has been kidnapped and the kidnappers had a very odd yet doable demand of watching this movie.
4. You are insanely drunk and this is the only activity you are allowed to partake in.
5. You hate yourself THAT much.

(This should be a game)

Posted by: googergieger at June 29, 2011 3:43 PM

Really? If Dumas had thought of putting airships in The Three Musketeers, he would have.

Milady de Winter, Milla's character here, was every bit the spy and evil character you could imagine. Between hopping between England and France raising hell between the court, and conveniently NOT DYING when expected, she could easily have had some ninja powers too.

This is going to be fin, on Blu-Ray if nothing else.
~~~

Posted by: Meander at June 29, 2011 3:59 PM

So basically they're doing to The Three Musketeers exactly what Ritchie did to Sherlock Holmes. Eh.

Also, no mention of Christoph Waltz? He is probably the first reason I'd see this movie.

Posted by: lindsaco at June 29, 2011 4:31 PM

I feel a desperate need to run around the room screaming in rage and setting shit on fire. With a torch. Made from Orlando Bloom's stupid hair.

Posted by: Figgy at June 29, 2011 4:33 PM

I noticed the flamethrower was cranked by hand. That part's original.

Posted by: Johnnyboy at June 29, 2011 4:52 PM

Just go read the book and it will all make sense. I promise this is exactly what Dumas envisioned.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 29, 2011 5:02 PM

I was prepared to hate the very idea of this movie, but I can't. It looks like it's just too much fucking fun. Give me this movie, a rack of ribs, a couple beers, and a slice of pie and I'll have myself a good Friday night.

Posted by: stardust at June 29, 2011 5:41 PM

1.21 jigawatts, with an airship that size only Mario can save the princess.

Posted by: Kris at June 29, 2011 5:54 PM

What Stardust said. Who cares if it's a complete raping of a literary classic? You'd think by now we'd all be immune to that. But this looks fun, and I'm sorry, but any movie in which Milla gets to kick mucho ass in a GIANT BROCADE DRESS, I'm in.

Posted by: Smokin at June 29, 2011 7:26 PM

Why can't I stop staring at Orlando Bloom's hair?

Posted by: Lauralyn at June 30, 2011 12:34 AM

That looks like fun. No sarcasm, no scathing bitchitude. I will go see this (granted not in 3D) because it looks like a movie with good performances and a healthy dose of humor. Also, how many of you have actually read The three musketeers? and would willingly sit through an exact replica of that?

Posted by: io at June 30, 2011 6:37 AM