After teasing us last week with a breathtakingly nit-witted 14 seconds of New Moon, Summit Entertainment has finally unleashed another full-length trailer, this one focusing on the werewolf dude with a disproportionately sized torso. According to Taylor Lautner, New Moon is “a lot more complicated than Twilight was,” and from the looks of the trailer, I think he’s right. If by “more complicated,” you mean: Rage-inspiring bullshit for subintellectual twits. Or, what we like to refer to as: Teenagers.
If you like seeing Lautner without a shirt on, however, this trailer is for you. And so is an irreversible lobotomy. This trailer basically demonstrates why birth control should not only be readily available in all schools, but why condoms should be surgically attached to every penis in America until a male reaches the age of 25. This is some serious goddamn after school special brooding, petulant vampire horse dicks.
Say what you want, but when it comes to Taylor Lautner (after the hair cut), Im fighting my inner-pedobear...
Posted by: shamed in the shadows at August 18, 2009 9:08 AM
Oh, stop. Such unnecessary anger. Let them (and, um, me) have their fun.
Posted by: Bre at August 18, 2009 9:15 AM
I realize very few people *haven't* read the books, but way to go trailer spoilers!
Posted by: Rowen at August 18, 2009 9:17 AM
why did i watch that? i haven't even had my coffee yet.
i hate you guys.
Posted by: gp at August 18, 2009 9:21 AM
I know he's ripped and everything, but I'm thankful Taylor L does nothing for me. The younger thing worries me at times. And he can't act, at all. I know few in this series can, but he really can't, so a whole film of him is going to be...I'd say interesting, but I'd mean god awful.
Is it stupid? Yes. Is it mockable? Absolutely. Will I be pirating it illegally over Thanksgiving Break? of course.
Posted by: buttercup at August 18, 2009 9:32 AM
"New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was...”
I thought teens today were perfectly at home with handling love triangles. How could it POSSIBLY be more complicated? Chick wants to bang werewolf and/or vampire. Evil vampires want her dead. Cue emo battle/kissing scenes, and set it up for the sequels. How fucking hard is that to understand?
I just don't get it. Will someone help me? Do Twihards or Twilighters or whatever the fuck they're called sit through these films and say to themselves, "Man, that Taylor Lautner/Kristen Stewart/Scruffy McScrunchyface (I forgot his name for a moment there) really can act!" or "Holy Moses, those are some incredible CGI effects! That wolf looks just, like, SO real!"?
I mean, do they, really? Or is it possible that, deep down, they realize how godawful this shit truly is?
Posted by: Kolby at August 18, 2009 9:44 AM
Sorry but, Taylor Lautner, while buff as all hell, is not an attractive man.
I mean i think the other one, the vampire, is odd looking too but i can at least almost see why girls get so moist over him. Lautner is just...not a handsome boy.
OH and this looks like utter shit and given how much I like some of the cast (Jackson Rathbone, Dakota Fanning, others who have been cast for the next one including Jodelle Ferland who I just plain think is cool, maybe some others) It's really disapointing to see them slumming it for what is nothing more than a fucking paycheck. I'm not above doing a job i dont enjoy for money, especially now that I'm all unemployed and shit, but there is no need in the world so great that I would submit to appearing in this garbage just to make the money to pay for said need.
Fuck Meyers, Fuck Stewart(SMILE YOU MISERABLE BITCH, YOU'RE ABOUT TWELVE AND A MILLIONARE) Fuck all of them. And Fuck the squealie moronic little fourteen year olds who got this shit made, who in eighteen months when they grow tits and start bleeding out their cooches and attracting boys, will forget this team edward, team jacob super ghey lamoid BULLSHIT
*I'm not apologising for my rant, just pointing out I am in the grip of a murderous migraine right now so if I'm particularly angry and vitriolic its because I'm viewing everything through a red mist of agony
Posted by: Nadine at August 18, 2009 9:45 AM
"A lot more action"
Dude, she fell of a dirt bike?! Seriously..are we sure this entire series isn't just an elaborate joke someone's playing on us. The little boy talked about heat, I mean really? Heat?!
Posted by: Mona at August 18, 2009 9:48 AM
I meant "off" obviously. Despite the incredulity I still know how to spell.
Posted by: Mona at August 18, 2009 9:52 AM
Did any of you make it through the trailer to notice the "goteamjacob.com" at the end? *sighs and looks at 10 month old daughter*...guess i am going to have to build that room to lock her up in until she's 25 after all.
Posted by: legib at August 18, 2009 9:56 AM
You will not get my 102 seconds, I have much more important and enjoyable things to do. Like stab this unsharpened pencil into my testicle.
Mini-div: Rather than waste 102 seconds watching this trailer and losing 5% of my capacity for thought, I will instead.....
Posted by: admin at August 18, 2009 9:57 AM
Legib, I saw it, i just tried to pretend it didn't exist.
Posted by: nadine at August 18, 2009 9:59 AM
Mini-div: Rather than waste 102 seconds watching this trailer and losing 5% of my capacity for thought, I will instead.....
...staple a picture of a horn to my forehead and spend the rest of the day convincing tourists that I cracken the Liberty Bell with my unicorny appendage.
Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2009 10:06 AM
"Don't get me upset." Did The Hulk trademark "Don't make me angry"?
Posted by: Quorren at August 18, 2009 10:07 AM
Admin it's too late. I've watched it.
But for the sake of fun
'I Will Instead; Fill my sink with bleach and dip my head in, then open my eyes. Then, while burning, I will swallow bicarbonate of soda and white wine vinegar, keep my mouth closed and wait until I explode. I would like all of you to imagine the resulting explosion to be as wet and gory as the goriest eighties gorefest ever. Remember me as a rapidly expanding sack of red fluid and juicy bits'
Posted by: nadine at August 18, 2009 10:07 AM
Just watched the trailer. It's official...no one involved in these movies (save Michael Sheen and any other good actors clearly stooping for a paycheck) knows what the fuck they're doing. Particularly the three principal actors and the director. Clearest of all Taylor Lautner. It feels like he's the "serious Drama" kid, while Pattinson is the "grungy douchebag in it for the chicks" kid, and Stewart is the "wait...wha? I'm just doin' this for weed money" kid.
On second thought, maybe they did cast the series well...
Did anyone else see that picture and think his arm was enormous? The way he's standing makes that line from his abs look like the bottom of his arm. Try to see it that way, it's freakish.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 18, 2009 10:13 AM
Sigh. I watched it. It's pretty much guaranteed that when this comes out, I'll be going to see it with my little cousins. Their mother paid for me to take them to the first one so she wouldn't have to go. I'm a nice niece, but even I have my price.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 18, 2009 10:14 AM
I have severe problems with Taylor Lautner, primarily stemming from the fact that I still see him as a twelve year boy in that freaking Shark Boy and Lava Girl (Don't ask why, younger sisters have lame taste in movies). All of my gay guy friends are obsessed with him while I cannot see him shirtless without feeling like a pedo.
And speaking of sparkles and all of that crap, my darling mother asked us to watch Twilight with her last night. She thought it was good, I COULD. NOT. STAY. AWAKE. Jesus Christ on a Tricycle, Kristen Stewart must be the most bored actress on the face of the planet.
And to finish the Diversion: I'd rather jump up and down on one leg while a transvestite dominatrix crops my thighs and drinks chicken blood.
OHMYGOD KAMIKAZE!!!I didn't realise that was him!! I was aware he was familiar but for the life of me couldn't place where from!!! Aaaaahahahaaaa!!! Poor kid, what a terrible career trajectory. Not financially of course, but in every single other respect.
Posted by: nadine at August 18, 2009 10:18 AM
I thought teens today were perfectly at home with handling love triangles. How could it POSSIBLY be more complicated? Chick wants to bang werewolf and/or vampire. Evil vampires want her dead. Cue emo battle/kissing scenes, and set it up for the sequels. How fucking hard is that to understand?
OK, Doctor Controversy, I'm about to truly embarrass myself by answering your question as if it were legitamite:
Yes, horny teens understand love triangles. The first film wasn't one, and now "poor Bella" (who deserves to be driven over slowly with a tractor) loves both of them.
And actually, the vampire is fighting with her because he DOESN'T want her dead.
I'm sure what the bufftard meant by 'complicated' was the visions she keeps having of Edward, her half-assed suicide (attention) attempts, and the involvement of the Volturi.
Now, off to that bleach bath...
Posted by: shamed in the shadows at August 18, 2009 10:18 AM
I'd do him.
But then again, I'm freshly single and with pretty low standards.
If you want good adult werewolf fun (and who doesn't) watch "Being Human" on BBC.
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 18, 2009 10:32 AM
...staple a picture of a horn to my forehead and spend the rest of the day convincing tourists that I kracken the Liberty Bell with my unicorny appendage.
A little fixin' Julie and we've officially crafted the best sentence ever!
Posted by: admin at August 18, 2009 10:33 AM
Mini-div: Rather than waste 102 seconds watching this trailer and losing 5% of my capacity for thought, I will instead.....
Posted by: admin at August 18, 2009 9:57 AM
---
... cruise over to porn site, drop pants ... 100 ... 101 ... 102 ... uhn. And back to bed, my day's done!
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 18, 2009 10:42 AM
Ha ha ha! I love appropriate typos, Admin.
Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2009 10:44 AM
... cruise over to porn site, drop pants ... 100 ... 101 ... 102 ... uhn. And back to bed, my day's done!
But TCFKAB, you still haven't covered what you did the first 100 seconds.
Posted by: branded at August 18, 2009 10:47 AM
Is it just me, or does the dude in that picture have a detached head strangely floating a few inches away from his neck with long hair hiding his telekinetic-severed-head ability? Or maybe he has an extra long neck? Am I the only seeing that? It looks really odd. If it wasn't for that sliver of blue jeans at the bottom of the photo, I'd swear that guy was a centaur.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 18, 2009 10:50 AM
IMMENSE SPOILERS
And why at the end of the trailer does it say "Go Team Jacob"? Didn't Team Jacob get the memo? Edward wins. Unless Team Jacob considers some creepy romantic relationship with the much younger daughter of the object of his affection to be a victory? I know way too much about this.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 18, 2009 10:56 AM
And to finish the Diversion: I'd rather jump up and down on one leg while a transvestite dominatrix crops my thighs and drinks chicken blood.
Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at August 18, 2009 10:15 AM
Kamikaze, you usually have to pay extra for that sort of thing.
Posted by: androstarr at August 18, 2009 10:56 AM
I don't understand how the books got so huge. I see my little neices and cousins walking around with the books and I just don't get it. I am a huge book reader but those books are just awful. I look at children and they don't even really read what's in them, they just have it to walk aound with as some kind of trophy. It's sad and frustrating.The author needs to take a course in tasetful writing. I just don't get it.
As for the movies, someone would have to tape my eyelids to my forehead. That's the only way.
Posted by: Candy at August 18, 2009 11:03 AM
If he's a werewolf, then how come he has no chest hair but he has a weave? Is it because he's too young to have chest hair, but not too young to prance around shirtless, thus oddly arousing me? Chest hair wouldn't make me feel so guilty. How old is he, 17? Shit.
Darth, I think that often when girls proclaim themselves as Team Jacob, what they mean is THEY prefer Jacob, not that they think Bella should choose him, necessarily.
For example, in True Blood I would consider myself Team Eric (because, fuck me he is gorgeous), but I'm not saying I think he should be with Sookie.
:NERD BUNK:
Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 18, 2009 11:21 AM
Beautiful apperance and hot size is the focus, DO you love this kind of beauty,
hey, this is the best place __Tallloving . C o m__to hook such a sexy baby,,
come on!!!! they are waitting for you ..lol...
Posted by: dsdsi at August 18, 2009 11:24 AM
Kolby: Yes. We know EXACTLY how lame it is. We can't help ourselves though. It's like really bad crack that doesn't produce an actual high but still makes your family hate you.
Sofia: He's a First Nation werewolf, so OF COURSE there's no chest hair! Native Americans are smooooove!!
Posted by: Closet Case at August 18, 2009 11:26 AM
Patty >> Ahhhh...thanks for the tip. That does make sense. I'm so old and out of it. Nice to know the girls are actually letting us know with which fictional character they want to copulate, as opposed to the more likely scenario of a fictional character actually copulating with another fictional character. I hope that works out for them. :- )
Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 18, 2009 11:28 AM
Is Team Fuck Off and Die a Horrible and Disfiguring Death an option? 'Cause that's the team I'd pick.
Posted by: Kolby at August 18, 2009 11:29 AM
...and now I'm creeped out by pedo-Spambot.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 18, 2009 11:29 AM
I think the spambot just confirmed that size really does matter. Sorry boys!
Posted by: Kolby at August 18, 2009 11:32 AM
Fuck you and your tallloving, spambot! My Hot-Size is fits snugly and stays toasty warm in her Moist-Depth.
Posted by: admin at August 18, 2009 11:37 AM
For example, in True Blood I would consider myself Team Eric (because, fuck me he is gorgeous), but I'm not saying I think he should be with Sookie.
:NERD BUNK:
Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 18, 2009 11:21 AM
Patty, you do realize that you already have to fight me, Kolby, and Cindy for rights to the sexyhotpleaseremovemypantieswithyourteethandEATME Viking vampire, right?
Posted by: Julie at August 18, 2009 11:39 AM
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Posted by: Seany D at August 18, 2009 11:45 AM
To all of you lusting over the young Ms.Lautner there, I will simply say that if you want him, you'll have to fight my 14 year old sister for him.
And I'd like to say that from my exposure to the Twilight series (trailers on the internet and various opinions of them) it seems like both Little Boy Werewolf and Whiny Vampire can both do WAY BETTER than Ms.I'm A Dishrag there. Maybe Little Boy Werewolf and Whiny Vampire should date. That would spice things up.
I agree with Bre. Not every movie is going to be made for you thoughty types. Let the teens have their angst and sexual fantasies. Who is it harming?
It's no John Hughes, but there never will be ever again. So you can't hold all teeny movies to that standard.
Let the teens have their fun and the Mormon church make their money.
hmmm...on second thought...
Posted by: wsapnin at August 18, 2009 12:16 PM
HEY WIMP! YEAH.... YOU!
wimpy wimpy wimpy! "Oh, I'm a little peanut worm." Are you too much of a wimp to work out? Are you a weakling built like a sponge? Well, now you too can have muscles.
With anchor arms! Fits like a glove. Just add air.
How big do you want 'em? Veiny? And for the ladies...hairy.
I was a wimp before anchor arms." Now, I'm a jerk and everybody loves me. So order now, WIMP!.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 18, 2009 12:17 PM
I don't have sound on this computer, which makes the trailer surprisingly bearable. But I'm a little bit nervous that my coworkers are going to think I'm looking at gay porn, what with all the topless, chest-waxed teenagers. (hi Jeremy Feist!)
Posted by: marya at August 18, 2009 12:24 PM
Team Edward...Team Jacob...no one ever mentions the really cool third team: Team Van Helsing
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 18, 2009 12:17 PM
------------------------
Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!
Posted by: admin at August 18, 2009 1:39 PM
"Don't get me upset" Why? Wouldn't we like you when you're upset Hulk, aherm I mean, Wereboy?
Posted by: Alexis at August 18, 2009 1:48 PM
Damnit, Alexis, you beat me to it!
Posted by: Kate at August 18, 2009 3:00 PM
Sure, the "actors" in Twilight weren't top notch. But they have all performed better in other movies. So, obviously, the real fault lies with the horribly awkward dialogue and the piss poor directing. I don't care enough to check if episode 2 has the same director, but the acting will still suck regardless of the "talent" if they brought him back instead of cutting out his tongue and burning his eyes out like he deserved.
the most depressing thing is that the kid got so pumped just to keep the fucking role that he probably has the liver of mel gibson by now. seriously at least Judy Garland got pumped on ormons to shoot the freaking Wizard of Oz, u know it was kinda worth it! this kid does really wanna get royally fucked for the role of a developing pedophile? seriously dude kill you manager with a punch and move the fuck on.
Posted by: rio at August 18, 2009 3:38 PM
OMG! I just totally got home to visit my family and logged on to the computer in my room which was like totally screwed becuz of a virus and is really slow and the speakers didnt work so like, I had NO SOUND OMG and I saw the trailer was up and I was like DAD I cant watch Buffmatron McGee get all beastial on Bella and he was like SUCH AN ASSHOLE to me and didnt even get that this is like MY LIFE. he was just like "OMG your 27 and, like, a GUY"
And I'm like What. The. Fuck. Ever.
Totally
Posted by: TSF at August 18, 2009 3:39 PM
That Jacob guy is screaming for a punch in the face, which would make it even fatter than it already is. And the other guy needs to lay off the hair jell. Even though its because of the makeup and lighting, it looks like Kristin Stewart is on heroin and likes to get high and screw. I'm not down with H but I'd be happy to partake with her on the screwing part.
Posted by: Dave at August 18, 2009 4:05 PM
Let his be a lesson to everyone. Not all Wolfmen have nards.
Posted by: branded at August 18, 2009 4:34 PM
Mini-div: Rather than waste 102 seconds watching this trailer and losing 5% of my capacity for thought, I will instead.....
I was going to go with self-immolation, but then the Mormons would win and we can't allow that, so I thought a couple of medicinal martinis and then maybe I'll use the rest of the time to reach out and press the big red button to my left which reads DETONATE NUCLEAR WARHEAD.
Posted by: igor at August 18, 2009 4:55 PM
Patty, you do realize that you already have to fight me, Kolby, and Cindy for rights to the sexyhotpleaseremovemypantieswithyourteethandEATME Viking vampire, right?
Actually, Julie, I have a keen advantage. According to the novels (actually, according to Wikipedia about the novels), fairies are truly appetizing to vampires, and they have thin skin. After a hot shower, I look like a sexy, curvy road map = vampire bait!
Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 18, 2009 4:56 PM
Hey, if you want some hawt were on vamp action Genny/Rusty , I have it on good authority there's some pretty messed up fanfic out there that's probably right up your alley!
Don't ask me how I know this - I'm almost through this round of therapy.
And the director is different fo this movie, I think. Catherine Harwicke replaced by Chris Weis (sp?) Can't make the plot any better though...
Posted by: hersheygirl at August 18, 2009 5:07 PM
I love the fact that they used LION growling noises for werewolves.
Posted by: Raine at August 18, 2009 6:06 PM
"If you want good adult werewolf fun (and who doesn't) watch "Being Human" on BBC."
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 18, 2009 10:32 AM
YES! YES! Oh, PaddyDog, I am so hooked on that series after only two episodes. George is fantastic, Mitchell is delicious, and Annie is my secret twin. Only she's much more stunning than I. And I'm not dead. But truly, it's my new most favorite show. Yes, I mocked the premise terribly at first, with many "Twilight" jokes, and then I learned the error of my ways by actually watching it. As should everyone.
Posted by: Jana Jerusalem at August 18, 2009 7:04 PM
The same brats who are responsible for this mess coming soon has also cause legends like walt disney and chuck Jones to roll in their graves: a sequel to G.I. joe: rise of cobra.
America is almost in the shit toliet, a third Twilight film or a new rob Schnider flim will flush this country.
Posted by: Corey W. at August 18, 2009 9:59 PM
...exactly why did they use a clip when lautner says "a whole nother"?
Posted by: chiefly at August 19, 2009 12:20 AM
No. I flatly refuse to watch this trailer. Everytime I see or hear anything related to Twilight, something inside me dies just a little bit more. And right now I'm feeling particularly shit and therefore refuse to be assaulted by this piece ass-fuckery.
So, while watching that trailer, I started to wonder if that Jacob fellow had an older brother. Because, even in my dream land, I realize that I don't have a chance with the main character. New self esteem low, or realistic expectations high?
When I inevitably see this, I'll be checking out Native American werewolf #3 in the background like I knew him from high school.
Posted by: Manda at August 20, 2009 1:12 AM
have u people ever actually thought to read the books? the books are 10 times betta than the film but cum on who doesnt lyk a topless lad!and maybe if u did waste 5% of ure lame lyf u will realise what shit ure talkin
Posted by: twilghtlover at September 15, 2009 11:23 AM
Say what you want, but when it comes to Taylor Lautner (after the hair cut), Im fighting my inner-pedobear...