I do this because I love you, and because I feel that karma has a way of evening things out. So, if I give you the worst 14 seconds of the day, then the solar system owes you 14 wonderful seconds, which — coincidentally — is the level of stamina for the average Pajiban male. Oh, but what a glorious 14 seconds you can look forward to. It’s perfect, really. Lovemaking won’t even interfere with the commercials.
Anyway, here’s the teaser trailer for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, which is expected to run ahead of Bandslam on Friday. It’s apparently Summit’s new marketing strategy — release New Moon is 14-second segments in front of all the studio’s clunkers, and increase their box-office potential by a billion. No one — not even the most hard-up, entertainment-starved tween — wants to see Bandslam. But these 14 seconds will add at least $1 million to the box-office take. Guarandamnteed.
Twilight isn't even literature, it's second rate toilet paper passing itself as schoolgirl fan-fiction, even hacks like Dan Brown look like freaking Shakespeare next to Step- hanie Meyer.
Posted by: George at August 11, 2009 11:33 AM
I thought they were getting rid of that stupid hair on that poor kid? He's a nice looking kid and they saddle him with that ugly mullet-lookin' thing. Also, he really did get pretty ripped, there, din't he. Huh.
I saw a trailer for New Moon before Harry Potter. It was boring and incomprehensible. Then the title said "New Moon - The Twilight Saga" and I wanted to throw my Cherry Pepsi at the screen.
"The Twilight Saga"? Are you fucking kidding with that shit? JK Rowling didn't even have the stones to call the Harry Potter series a "saga".
Let's see there is "The Godfather Saga", "The Star Wars Saga", um...hmmm, nope no "Glittery Stupid Fucking Pedophiles and Narcissitic Pre-Teens Who Love Them Saga". Thanks for playing you fucking PR shitheads! We have a lovely gift basket full of flaming douche as your parting gift.
Anna: Just because I've read the books (for shame) he does cut his hair eventually because when he goes wolfy his hair would be too long...or something. His hair is short in the other trailer anyway.
That new trailer is hideous. All kinds of awkward.
My favourite thing to hate in that book was how you turned the page and it said 'March' then you turned the page and it said 'April' and so on for about four months in which she's been in a kind of stupor since Edward left. Just a brilliant role model for girls everywhere, is Bella.
this blood on my hands
the lifeforce of a million
on your head Pajiba
Posted by: admin at August 11, 2009 12:08 PM
See! It was so bad it even fucked up my haiku. I want to make violent face love to Twilight and pehaps jM's headbadger.
Posted by: admin at August 11, 2009 12:12 PM
Well I suppose I could have made it up to make the imagery more interesting. Two wolves fight but oh no! One didn't cut his hair and looks like an old English sheepdog. Is killed. The end.
Ah, I love you all. Your comments have turned 14 seconds of crap into several minutes of me laughing 'til my belly hurts. Especially at "*headacidbath*."
And Carrie - I've warned my younger cousins (the ones who luuuuurve Twilight) that if I ever hear them utter the phrase "Bella Swan is my role model," I will disown them completely.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 11, 2009 12:17 PM
Actually the worst 14 seconds of my day was half an hour ago when the vet phoned to say there's a large mass on my dog's spleen.
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 11, 2009 12:17 PM
I read that as 'drown' not disown. I did not think it was excessive. Not really.
Pro: It's only 14 seconds.
Con: It's fucking Twilight.
Double Con: Sparkletards will keep watching those 14 seconds over and over again (due to their short attention spans) and it'll drive traffic through the roof. It might even deliver a strong 9th place showing (in Yugoslavia) for Bandslam!
How the hell is that even a trailer? That's like the theatrical equivalent of Sharking.
Posted by: annoyingmouse at August 11, 2009 12:21 PM
By the way, anyone ever look at the Bandslam poster? The kid in the background has this goofy face that practically screams, "I have a bon-er!". Which is even funnier when you see where Vanessa Hudgens' right hand is placed in said poster.
I will contradict you, Mr.Rowles, I'm betting my sister wants to see Bandslam but will hate it when she does.
However, she also choose to see 500 Days of Summer this past weekend rather than G.I Joe. And she hates Twilight but thinks the werewolf kid is pretty cute. Basically, she's a pajibette in training, but since she's 14 there's no way in hell I'm telling her about this website.
14 wonderful seconds, which — coincidentally — is the level of stamina for the average Pajiban male.
Only because the average Pajiban male is white.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 11, 2009 12:25 PM
Oh, Paddy, I hope it's fixable! I don't know what I'd do if I got a phonecall like that.
Posted by: Kolby at August 11, 2009 12:39 PM
14 wonderful seconds, which — coincidentally — is the level of stamina for the average Pajiban male
Only because the average Pajiban male is white.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 11, 2009 12:25 PM
Oh really, Tracer Bullet? And you'll do better when Rowles stops by your place and stands in the corner of your bedroom basement with a stopwatch timing the proceedings? How did you think he got these numbers?
Posted by: Che Grovera at August 11, 2009 12:40 PM
I saw a trailer for New Moon before Harry Potter. It was boring and incomprehensible. Then the title said "New Moon - The Twilight Saga" and I wanted to throw my Cherry Pepsi at the screen.
"The Twilight Saga"? Are you fucking kidding with that shit? JK Rowling didn't even have the stones to call the Harry Potter series a "saga".Let's see there is "The Godfather Saga", "The Star Wars Saga", um...hmmm, nope no "Glittery Stupid Fucking Pedophiles and Narcissitic Pre-Teens Who Love Them Saga". Thanks for playing you fucking PR shitheads! We have a lovely gift basket full of flaming douche as your parting gift.
Posted by: TylerDFC at August 11, 2009 11:54 AM
That was beautiful, I vote we canonize Tyler. No, not just in Jesopus's name, the Catholic Church should canonize you for that one. Get Pope Benedict on the phone, creepy bastard better reward you for that.
He's a nice looking kid and they saddle him with that ugly mullet-lookin' thing. Also, he really did get pretty ripped, there, din't he. Huh.
He's 17, AvonB. Honestly, between this and Cameron Bright, what is it with the Twilight movies casting jailbait?
And hee! Pause the trailer at about 8 seconds in and marvel at how freakishly disproportionate Lautner's body looks. I know, that does mean watching more than 50% of the trailer over again, but just spend the first 7 seconds covering your ears and humming loudly to yourself and it'll be fine.
Posted by: Shay at August 11, 2009 12:50 PM
I wouldn't mind Twilight nearly as much if it weren't for the creepy misogynistic Mormon propaganda sprinkled throughout. I don't even think Meyers did that on purpose, because I don't think she's SMART enough to do that on purpose, but there it all is. Being disgusting.
Also, I hate fluff books that pretend to be high art. I read a lot of fluff books, and will admit to it (I read a vampire romance novel called I'm the Vampire, That's Why once, and it was awful, but it was also a hilariously fun read because the author knew exactly what she was writing and decided to just have fun with it), but they're not pretending to be a good idea for tweens and teens to read, or a fucking MASTERPIECE or anything. I mean, if we were to judge women's books by Stephenie Meyers, the women's movement might as well just take 5 big steps back while plotting her demise.
I'd give a teenager The Vampire Diaries (at least the first 4 books, before the author pooped out the godawful 5th one FOURTEEN YEARS after the fact) - the lead character in those is a self-absorbed blonde bitch who does nasty things and then, halfway through the books, realizes that MAYBE THERE'S A WORLD OUT THERE BEYOND HER RETARDED TEENAGE PRIORITIES and actually becomes a pretty cool role model. She has typical teenage hissy fits when her aunt tries to parent her, she has stupid teenage over-the-top declarations of everything, and then she goes through hell and realizes that she needs to grow the hell up, and then she does grow the hell up. It has its huge glaring flaws too, but it doesn't pretend to be anything other than fun YA (although the CW is trying to MAKE it into shitty Vampire Dawson's Creek with a godawful TV series that doesn't resemble the books in any way, but I digress), and that makes all the difference for me.
In conclusion, Twilight is a shity book. I can respect people who read it as a shitty book and go "Well, that was pretty amusing, but it wasn't that great." but I cannot comprehend people who actually enjoyed it.
Two Twilight posts that amuse the hell out of me though - one is a series of snarky book summaries by the girl who does 15minutemovies, and one is a Mormon breakdown by a former Mormon who points out the unintentional propaganda in the books:
In that case, I'm impressed you managed to get it up at all, Che. That takes savior faire.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 11, 2009 12:52 PM
but since she's 14 there's no way in hell I'm telling her about this website.
Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at August 11, 2009 12:23 PM
---
That's OK, I can wait until she's 15. I'm a patient man. It certainly paid off those nights I spent hanging around with a bag of glitter outside the theater showing "Twilight."
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 11, 2009 12:55 PM
what is it with the Twilight movies casting jailbait?
Right!? This is an unfortunate trend. I like *pretend* jailbait, not *real* jailbait.
freakishly disproportionate
I think that's a combination of the angle, and the headbadger (seriously, I think that thing is snarling at me). It's secluding his head form his body, which makes them both look kind of weird. Not that I've already watched the trailer at least 14 times... god, what is WRONG with me?! Also, I watch everything with the sound off. It just makes it better (plus I don't get caught watching trailers at work).
Paddy, I hope yer doggie's ok... I don't know if it's true for dogs, but my mom had her spleen removed, and it grew back. Evidently it's one of those regenerating organs. At least in humans.
Thank you all. I'm waiting for some cytology to come back which will be Friday. This poor dog was ignored by his first owner because he broke up with his girlfriend and the dog "reminded him too much of her". Then he was hit by a car shattering his hip, his pelvis and his jaw. That's when we adopted him because the owner couldn't be bothered. Since then he has had a tumor on his paw that resulted in his toe being amputated and now his spleen. And I wish you could see how much he loves life and plunges his slow arthritic body into the lake every morning to swim and retrieve even if he can only do a few before he has to sit down. He deserves a break.
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 11, 2009 1:35 PM
Here I was, ready to say something smart and funny about 14 wonderful seconds, which — coincidentally — is the level of stamina for the average Pajiban male and not only did you fuckers beat me to it, but you even played the race card. Preciate it. Assholes.
Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 11, 2009 1:49 PM
"You're sort of beautiful"?????????
OK, I'm getting on the guy's side this time.
This is incredibly insulting. If somebody came up to me and said, "eh, you're sort of beautiful/cute/nice/pretty/hot" I'd be pissed the fuck off. Take that "sort of" and shove it up your ass. You either give a compliment or you don't. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. If you've made the choice to say something flattering to someone then you better go all the way. I know guys would be pissed if we said "You're sort of good in bed", so women better take their compliments up a notch and drop the I'm trying to be cool and detached to make myself more attrative to you bullshit. ESPECIALLY if you're on the rebound.
Stephanie Meyers or Mayers or whatever her name is can sort of kiss my ass.
14 seconds? On a good day, if I double wrap it and do a few shots of Cabo or Patron, I can get up to 14 minutes. That's plenty of time for a woman to climax a few times isn't it?
Posted by: Dave at August 11, 2009 2:38 PM
14 seconds? On a good day, if I double wrap it and do a few shots of Cabo or Patron, I can get up to 14 minutes. That's plenty of time for a woman to climax a few times isn't it?
Posted by: Dave at August 11, 2009 2:39 PM
Paddy, dude, it sounds like your dog's been through the wringer - I really hope this turns out to be nothing serious.
And Sofia, not to defend the characters from Twilight exactly, but I think the tone in which she says it is less "I'm trying to be cool and deliver a half-compliment" and much more "this is surprising, yet genuine". I know I've told people "you're kinda awesome" or "you're sorta hot" without meaning it to be a downgraded compliment - I also know (and this is incredibly sad) that I picked it up from one of my favourite Buffy episodes, "Choices", which has this brilliant scene at the end where Willow decides to stay in Sunnydale and an awed Buffy replies "I kind of love you", though I don't know if it's a Joss-ism or just general slang.
Posted by: Shay at August 11, 2009 2:41 PM
Shay, I'm kind of in love with you right now! (See what I did there?) Sofia, as completely hot as you know I think you are, I'm gonna have to go with my secret fake internet boyfriend on this one. I think she doesn't realize that she actually was attracted to Jacob because she's so blinded by her love for Edward and OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP ME.
This played just before Harry Potter this weekend. I spent the time hiding my face on my fiance's shoulder while he covered my ears and went "AAAAH" silently and probably weirding out the people around us. So painful.
whatever, twilight is like porn for teenagers, just cause I like orgies-porn doesn't mean I would go for one in real life, i'm fairly certain that the girls that would go for the stalking appreciation in real life would do so cause they were fucked up in their head before twilight.
and sofia I'm so with you with the compliment that really, actually is an insult. I'm sort of beautiful? and you are a full-on dickhead!
oh and about the orgies? I was totally joking, I would actually go for one, of course, who wouldn't?
Posted by: rio at August 11, 2009 3:22 PM
"In that case, I'm impressed you managed to get it up at all, Che. That takes savior faire."
savior faire - is that like Ren Faire for the Christian Right?
Posted by: Tarn at August 11, 2009 3:40 PM
RE: You're sort of beautiful.
Kids these days are so lazy with their language. Everything's "probably," "sort of," "kind of," "most likely." There's no commitment anymore, and it's not like we encourage them to feel more than "meh," "eh," or "duhhhhhh." I mean, I know I've succeeded in whatever it is I'm doing when I get kids to make the effort to say "hurrrrr," followed by "durrrrrr." Can you imagine the energy needed to string those two grunts together? This is why we can't really bash Michael Bay -- he makes our kids turn all the way up to "AWESOME!" and "BAD ASS!"
Oh, God. What am I saying? Is this what we're reduced to? Hailing Michael Bay as some sort of enthusiasm savior for movies? We're probably doomed.
Posted by: duckandcover at August 11, 2009 4:03 PM
I also saw this preview before Harry Potter. The best part was when the guy turns into a wolf and my friend Liz just blurts out "what the crap?" and the whole theater cracked up. Her daughter will just look at me and say that now just because it makes us laugh.
Posted by: trixie at August 11, 2009 8:12 PM
@PaddyDog: been there with an Aussie named River. Damn. :-(
Fingers tossed tightly for a good outcome.
And a big hug for you.
Sorry late to the party here. Woke up with drooping on the right side of
my face, followed by a hurried trip to the ER. They swarmed me thinking
I was having a stroke. Turns out, it's something random called Bell's Palsy.
Caused by a virus. Not especially rare. Might go away in 2 wks to 2 mos,
or maybe even more. Guess it's my vanity that's taking the biggest hit.
You know though? I have to make it in to the site every day. You guys
freakin knock me over with the commentary and laughs. TY big. ;-)
Posted by: MsMoMo at August 12, 2009 12:44 AM
Oh shite. That would be fingers *crossed* for PaddyDog and pooch.
Did I mention the headaches and aphasia?
Ugh.
Posted by: MsMoMo at August 12, 2009 12:47 AM
MsMoMo, if you could TOSS your fingers at Paddy and the pooch, I would try to tactfully suggest that perhaps they misdiagnosed your Leprosy. ^_~
HERE'S TO EVERYBODY GETTING BETTER AND CURED OF THEIR AILMENTS.
Posted by: Nat at August 12, 2009 2:33 PM
I'd like to see a guy call me "sort-of beautiful." Either I'm a beautiful princess, or I'm hideous beyond belief. Pick one, any one. But it better be the right one.
Um well forget all of yall who is haten on Twilight this has to be one good love story! all girls go throu the depressed thing in high school over a guy! HELLO their in freaking high school. Yea maybe thier are vampires in it but thats what makes it more worth watching and reading. I've read every single book and the one that hasn't came out yet and seen every trailer thats out thier for New Moon its real good! you should take a min and really read the freaking book!!!!
Posted by: Kim at August 27, 2009 9:41 AM
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Bleeeerrgh.
And that ain't just the food poisoning talking.