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New Hobbit Trailer: And the Fish Upon the Docks Are Dying

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | September 19, 2012 | Comments ()


hobbit-martin-freeman.jpeg

Look: I did not care for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, nor did I even care for Tolkien's books. I'm not trying to troll or anything: I'm just not that guy. The whole thing -- movies and books -- was like a tedious exercise of my patience. Walk-fight-walk-fight-run-fight-run-fight-ring!

However, I did really enjoy Tolkien's The Hobbit. It was a fast-read, enjoyable, and didn't have the bloat I associate with Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, it seems, Peter Jackson is a huge fan of the bloat, and the studio is a big fan of the money that comes with the bloat, which is why The Hobbit has been turned into three movies (3). By my calculation, that means that every single page of The Hobbit gets a minute of screentime.

Anyway, on the week that is the 75th Anniversary of Tolkien's series, we get a new trailer for The Hobbit. It looks gorgeous. Martin Freeman seems perfect, and there's even doses of humor. Yet, even the trailer still tries my patience.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Consider zeke's voice added to the mournful chorus of Hobbit fans who loved its brevity and self-contained nature.
    I loved LotR; books and films, but this bitch here was meant to be JUST THE ONE DAMN FILM, JACKSON YOU BLOATFAG!

  • Uriah_Creep

    I'd watch this cast wipe their asses (individually or as a group), and this looks better than that, so I'm good to go.

  • Bunny sled. Jesus wept.

    See, if they had stuck to just showing you the events of the book, this would've been a fantastic action movie. The book is funny, fast-paced, light-hearted. But no, fucking Peter "I made a movie about KING KONG 14 hours long and super fucking boring" Jackson had to go and make up THREE MOVIES' worth of shit that isn't even in the book.

    The cast looks perfect. Everything looks gorgeous. But Peter Jackson should never be allowed to write movies.

  • TheOtherGreg

    "every single page of The Hobbit gets a minute of screentime"

    Sounds good to me.

  • BWeaves

    Gollum got even better, if that's possible.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Noticed that, too. The head tilt at the end was perfect.

  • Rooks

    I just recently took a decent peek at the cast list... and dude, my ears are in for something. Richard Armitage could sell me used toilet paper with that voice of his. There's Billy Connolly with his delightful accent that always makes me think of "Was It Something I Said". Also, we still have Ian McKellen whose voice can make changing a tire seem like changing the fate of mankind. Then there seems to be some Lee Pace whose voice I will forever associate with one of the most beautiful grown-up-fairy-tales I ever heard. And to top it all off, there's Cumberbatch. I really hope he'll get to say "obviously" at least once.

    I wouldn't give a fuck if I lost my eyesight before December, I will still be in that cinema.

  • The best part of this is the Toad The Wet Sprocket b-side reference. Shit.

  • onegapingmaw

    Hell. Yeah. Toad always. Forever.

  • Rough C's

    Yes! When I read that headline, a big, goofy grin spread across my face. I'm rarely a party to obscure in-joke pop culture references. It made me feel fuzzy to catch one.

  • BWeaves

    I love Martin Freeman. I love Mitchell. But I have a serious hard on for Thorin Oakenshield right now.

  • athena23

    Right?? From least favorite character in the book (what? he was an ass at times) to "ZOMG PERFECT CASTING!"

  • Peeg

    There's one scene in the trailer that really bugged me. When Radagast was feeling up the hedgehog, he said dark things were afoot and then a giant spider seems to tear the roof off. Fuck you, Jackson. We know what happened to Radagast and he wasn't killed by Shelob or any of her babies.

  • Pat C.

    I've been wondering for 40 years what happened to Radagast, so please tell me.

  • I can barely contain my excitement. I've made my peace with the bloat, I think. His casting of this movie is just pitch perfect and my eternal love for the original trilogy just fills me with glee with each new trailer or promo photo. I can't wait.

    I also really love that Gandalf's closing line is from the song that Pippin sings in Return of the King. Anyone else notice that? Or have I gone full nerd?

  • BiblioGlow

    I noticed that too! Pippin's song is so sad and yet beautiful, if you look at the lyrics. Then I wondered if it's a line from the book that I forgot because I read it 15 years ago. Is it?

  • You answered your own question there, Lyssie89.

    I prefer to think of it not as bloat but as a languorous visit to another world. What's the rush to leave any place that has a Gandalf?

  • Peeg

    The gravitas is always misplaced when handled by Jackson's big dumb meat hands.

  • SLW

    The LOTR movies were lousy, the books were fantastic, but they're also a certain type of fantastic that aren't appealing to everyone.

    But I'm here to drop some math. My copy of the Hobbit is 305 pages long. Peter Jackson's LoTR trilogy was 560 minutes long. That means every page of the Hobbit across a trilogy of similar movies actually gets almost two minutes of screen time.

    To put the insanity of that in perspective, the unabridged audiobook version of the Hobbit is only 660 minutes long. Jackson is padding these films so much that you could almost listen to someone read the entire book to you in less time than watching them on film.

    Which come to think of it, would be exactly what Andy Kaufman would do if he adapted a book to film.

  • Christopher

    I'll wait for the fan edit.

  • Tinkerville

    I'm ashamed to say I'm one of those people who has an annual twelve hour marathon of the LOTR special edition movies complete with Middle Earth-style food and drinks. Actually, fuck that. Not ashamed at all. And when this DVD comes out it'll go up to a 15 hour marathon and so on.

  • No shame. Never.
    I used to do the whole special edition DVD marathon thing, extras and all. Back when I had...ALL the free time in the world, apparently.

  • Clancys_Daddy

    When, where, and can I bring the dog.

  • TheMaskedEmu

    I will bring themed snacks. Solidarity!

  • BBB40

    I start my marathon at noon on New Year's Eve and finish just in time for the ball to drop.

    No. I don't do anything "fun" on New Year's anymore. I'm a parent.

  • E-Money

    No shame!

  • Snath

    YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, DUSTIN.

    *ahem*

  • TraceandM

    I can only believe this trilogy nonsense is due to some secret loathing Jackson has for Sherlock. Set Watson free already!

  • Socraz6

    What happened to TK?

  • damnitjanet

    MITCHELL!!!!

  • Blake

    Yep, that trailer isn't doing anything for me at all. Gimli was the Jar Jar Binks of the original trilogy, so we now get that factored x 13? Maybe a trailer with Smaug &Sauron will make it a little more appealing.

  • Groundloop

    Dustin, I want to give you a big, wet, sloppy kiss. Or a firm handshake and pat on the back. Your call.

    While I did see the LOTR trilogy in the theatre, and I do own the extended versions on DVD, I find the only way to watch them is with my thumb at the ready over the FF button on the remote. I've never read The Hobbit, and have no intention of seeing this trilogy, mostly because of the bloat. The 48fps 3D isn't helping either.

  • Whit

    I'm conflicted. I want to be super excited about this but the whole three movie thing bugs me. How much is it going to drag out? Is he going to fill it with a bunch of long helicopter shots of the group traveling in fields, mountains, cliffs etc...

  • Peeg

    He's said he is adding a bunch of things from the Appendices. Likely to make fans happy. Not so much with casual moviegoers. Maybe. Could make it better.

  • foolsage

    Nah. There's a lot of story that happens offscreen in the book, which is being added back in here. I honestly don't think there'll be much bloat, as there's a lot of additional plot to cover. The (second) White Council (principally Gandalf, Galadriel, Elrond, Radagast, and Saruman) will discover trouble in southern Mirkwood, and upon investigation will find that the Necromancer there is in fact Sauron, re-embodied. Bilbo and the dwarves have a rough time in northern Mirkwood, as a direct result of Sauron's presence down south. I expect we'll see some flashbacks with Thorin's father and grandfather as well, setting up the story of the last of the Seven Dwarven Rings, the Fall of Erebor, and the coming of Smaug. That's all tied into how Gandalf got the map and the key.

    We'll also get to see the fall of Saruman, I imagine. By Fellowship of the Ring he'd already become a villain, but back in The Hobbit he was... conflicted.

    In the book, Gandalf disappears again and again and again. In the big picture, he's off doing some really important stuff, which he never explains or even mentions to Bilbo and the dwarves; this isn't even in the book "The Hobbit" but rather in the Appendices of LotR.
    There's enough to work with, and Jackson is skilled enough, that I'm confident it'll work out well.

  • Return of Santitas

    This makes me hopeful that it will turn out ok; I can dig new (well, "new" to me who never bothered with the Appendices) if that's what's filling out the three movies. If it's fucking slo-mo shots of running and sad faces, or Cate Blanchett speaking in an Important Wisdom Voice, I will get impatient. Probably it will be both things and I will roll my eyes but still buy the ticket.

    Also, spending my time with a dwarf cohort is way more fun than those perfect, creepy ass glowy Elves. Bring on the beards and bawdy antics!

  • AudioSuede

    Dustin, I'm with you 100%. I watch the LOTR movies now almost out of deference rather than enjoyment. The extended editions improve the character development and the story, but not the acting, the script, the pacing, or the sense that so much happens that is ultimately unnecessary to the events that follow. Tolkien had no sense of when to say when in his writing. Jackson has no idea when to say when in his movies. It's a perfect pairing, that's probably great for some, but for me, it's tedious.

  • AudioSuede

    Alright, 14 downfists! How many more can I get? Figures I get down-voted more when I'm not even trolling.

  • Zirza

    Not a big LOTR-fan either, unlike the Boyfriend, who hosts Ten-Hour Long Extended Marathons every year, but DAMMIT, Martin Freeman is good casting.

  • I'm in the same situation. My boyfriend loves the shit out of the LOTR movie trilogy, while I fight to stay awake the whole time.

    That said, I'll watch anything Martin Freeman is in. He's delightful.

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