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New Fast Five Trailer: Lonely, Bitter Critic for 4th-Tier Website Looking for Rough Trick with Deep Voice

By BarbadoSlim | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (55)

fast-five.jpg

Pulls eyes forward from back of head

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pajiba just doesn’t get what the Fast & Furious franchise is all about. What’s this site’s problem with adrenaline and testosterone and AWESOME? Did Vin Diesel refuse your Craiglist add (You know: “lonely, bitter, critic for 4th tier website looking for rough trick with deep voice…”) or something? This site’s anti-Diesel agenda borders on pathological.

There’s no fucking way I’m missing this. I am so there, you hipster douchebags. So just go back to squeeing over the next Zooey Deschanel project and leave the next Fast and Furious movie to the men. And any quote on quote “male” here who doesn’t wet his Hanes Fast & Furious is ….mmm…less than heterosexual. So go home, and listen to your Wham! and the latest Elton John poof-fest, again

/suck it, haters

p.s. Star Trek sucks and J.J. Abrams can go blow himself.

p.p.s. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

BarbadoSlim is a leading expert on gender sensitivity issues and runs “Tantric Yoga Classes for a More Loving Relationship” out of his home in Taos, where couples can sleep in guest suites decorated in homage to Sting and Trudie Styler. He is also the President of the Jennifer Aniston fan club, and credits his love for Aniston with helping him through the seven months he spent in captivity in TK’s basement in 2007.

(Bio Source: PaddyDog)










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Comments

Where's the author bio?

Posted by: Jay at March 9, 2011 10:35 AM

This trailer showed up just in time. I was just about to lose my erection.

Posted by: sars at March 9, 2011 10:36 AM

My interest in this suckfest is so minimal that I honestly thought this had already came out and would be on DVD any time now.

Don't get me wrong. I like Vin Diesel and there's no denying that The Ro- er, Dwayne is actually a very good actor. However, Paul Walker is still in this, right? Nothing good has ever come from casting Paul Walker in anything. If you gave him a 2 minute cameo in Goodfellas he could bring the whole movie down. He is a black hole of talent.

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 10:40 AM

BSlim, you make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day.

Posted by: Cindy at March 9, 2011 10:44 AM

Real Men wear Jockeys.

Abrams-themed Jockeys.

Posted by: Ian at March 9, 2011 10:45 AM

Vinnie looks so very unhappy and resentful to be stuck in this movie trailer

Posted by: idleprimate at March 9, 2011 10:49 AM

Where's the author bio?

BarbadoSlim is a leading expert on gender sensitivity issues and runs "Tantric Yoga Classes for a More Loving Relationship out of his home in Taos, where couples can sleep in guest suites decorated in homage to Sting and Trudie Styler. He is also the President of the Jennifer Aniston fan club, and credits his love for Aniston with helping him through the seven months he spent in captivity in TK's basement in 2007.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 9, 2011 10:51 AM

Nothing good has ever come from casting Paul Walker in anything. If you gave him a 2 minute cameo in Goodfellas he could bring the whole movie down. He is a black hole of talent.

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 10:40 AM

--------------

That combination of words makes zeke happy. Minor gripe: 'could' should be 'would.'

Posted by: zeke the pig at March 9, 2011 10:51 AM

Oh, BSlim, your desparate declarations of unbridled manhood, are so cute! C'mon, we all know you not-so-secretly desire to make out with Dustin--and probably TK too.

That being said, I do appreciate your ongoing love for a movie franchise that is clear that it's all about the id. And I have nothing against Diesel. He's so not my type, but there is defintely something about him. Definitely.

As for Dwayne Johnson, I just don't think this full beard look is a good one for him.

Posted by: tamatha at March 9, 2011 10:55 AM

Or, I should say, the full goatee look. A full beard would be even worse.

Posted by: tamatha at March 9, 2011 10:56 AM

I'm sitting next to you, BSlim.
Very manly touching your leg..

..in my head.
Why don't we live in thesame continent?

Sigh.

Posted by: Magiel at March 9, 2011 10:57 AM

This movie is gay...

...and by gay I mean homosexual...

...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at March 9, 2011 11:00 AM

Nicely done, Paddy.

Posted by: Cindy at March 9, 2011 11:04 AM

Clearly, PaddyDog wins Pajiba today. Love the bio and love that it was officially added to the post!

Posted by: tamatha at March 9, 2011 11:08 AM

i've been hooked on these movies ever since the first one for the simple reason I had/have an Eclipse just like the green one Walker drove.


Dont judge me!

Posted by: logan at March 9, 2011 11:10 AM

You gotta shake hands with your feelings

In the wicked sensitive crew.

Posted by: , at March 9, 2011 11:18 AM

Maybe I'm alone in this but I liked Paul Walker in "Running Scared"...

Posted by: Phedre at March 9, 2011 11:20 AM

Phedre, you are not alone.


Posted by: Boopsy Collins at March 9, 2011 11:25 AM

C'mon, we all know you not-so-secretly desire to make out with Dustin--

Heheheh...

and probably TK too.

Now, that's just true for everybody, isn't it?

Posted by: RobP at March 9, 2011 11:26 AM

What the fuck is this! BSlim what the fuck are you doing? I thought you were against the machine, and now you’re writing columns. Dude you’ve sold out, sad. I now envision you sitting in front of your computer wearing a cardigan and sipping on some fucking merlot as Rowles proof- read your latest attempt at journalism. Exactly what did Rowles promise you, how much is the going rate these days to get a person to sell out? Dude you didn’t see Rowles coming in for the kill, did he regale you with stories of hanging with Kevin Smith? See BSlim this is how it all starts, first he gives you a column front and center just to build up your hopes and dreams. And then after he gets you hooked, you’re willing to do anything to keep your column. Right now you’re probably emailing all your friends and telling them to come to pajiba to check out your work. Please BSlim, before it’s too late, leave.

Posted by: Pookie at March 9, 2011 12:04 PM

TK needs to put a better lock on his basement door next time.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 9, 2011 12:05 PM

Is Dwayne all oiled up in that picture? His arm is so shiny. And there's Vinnie in one of his signature bondage poses. He just can't help himself.

I can't wait to watch this on cable.

Posted by: Reba at March 9, 2011 12:07 PM

Surely it should be called: "The Fa5t and The Furiou5 : Not Too Big For The Sequel Now, Are You?"

Posted by: Simon at March 9, 2011 12:11 PM

This is some old school Pajiba shit right here.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 9, 2011 12:14 PM

"Quote on quote" should read "quote, unquote". The former, while inventive, makes no sense. Grammar- and spell-checking is, of course, for pussies (and Brits).

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! on the other hand, is universally comprehensible. Perhaps this movie will not suck.

Posted by: PaulB at March 9, 2011 12:44 PM

Vin looks like he is a Michael Jackson video with a jazzercise-fisticuffs theme in that picture.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 9, 2011 12:50 PM

Manly movie? Bitch, please. Those two are 2 seconds away from full-on making out, all angry noises and sweat and whatnot.

Abrams-themed Jockeys.

With sun flares?

Posted by: figgy at March 9, 2011 1:01 PM

Seriously, I will see this movie in the theatre. I recognize that it is pretty craptacular cinema... but I love it anyway.

That deep voice... all the explosions...

yeah.

*swoon*

Posted by: JGirl at March 9, 2011 1:19 PM

It doesn't have Steven Seagal, which means it sucks.

Bye.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at March 9, 2011 1:45 PM

This movie is gayer than MMA, and you have to work diligently to accomplish that. It's truly strange when I don't want to see anything that gay, but RuPaul's Drag Race is more subtle, and none of those guys want to have sex with each other as much as the Rock and the Diesel want to in that promo cap.

Posted by: Jerry at March 9, 2011 1:59 PM

The Sunflare is my Penis

Posted by: Ian at March 9, 2011 2:12 PM

Oh, Pookie. You really do brighten my darkest days.

I love that BSlim hasn't responded, yet. He is a class act. Class. Act.

Posted by: RobP at March 9, 2011 2:31 PM

I might go out and see this because part of it was shot near where I live. Although I missed Fast 4.

Posted by: Big Softie at March 9, 2011 2:46 PM

Surely it should be called: "The Fa5t and The Furiou5 : Not Too Big For The Sequel Now, Are You?"
Posted by: Simon at March 9, 2011 12:11 PM

They wanted to call it The Furious Five, but that douchebag panda Jack Black threatened to sue.

Posted by: Xtreme at March 9, 2011 3:09 PM

BSlim, you're a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

Posted by: MM at March 9, 2011 3:11 PM

Oh, Pookie. You really do brighten my darkest days.

I love that BSlim hasn't responded, yet. He is a class act. Class. Act.

Posted by: RobP at March 9, 2011 2:31 PM


Class act my ass, B’s a reprobate and a scoundrel of the highest order. If he wants to be a journalist he should have thought about that before he dropped out of junior high school.

Posted by: Pookie at March 9, 2011 3:20 PM

This is the sequel to Satan's Alley?

Posted by: Recondite at March 9, 2011 3:51 PM

I **MIGHT watch this cause most of it was filmed in my home town. But only after it's on DVD.

Posted by: MissRos at March 9, 2011 4:23 PM

Couple things here:

1. I am seeing this movie (even though I have not seen Fast & Furious 2 - 4).

2. Vin's looking a little fat.

3. The Rock is looking freakin' spectacular.

4. Tyrese AND Ludacris? I'm there.

5. You have to love the slow motion walking in a line...it never gets old. Never.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at March 9, 2011 4:51 PM

I refuse to watch that trailer, but based on the header-pic: I'd totally watch that sex-tape. Come one, we all know Vin Diesel would love to bottom for that...

Posted by: Vanessa at March 9, 2011 5:29 PM

Cops don't like it when I get into cars either.

Posted by: Daventhal at March 9, 2011 5:45 PM

I live my live my life a Vin Diesel movie at a time, so yes I'll be there opening nite.

/comfortable with possible latent homosexuality

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 9, 2011 5:55 PM

Aaah now I see.


Heh, nicely played.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 9, 2011 6:06 PM

This thread is made so much better by having uncommon knowledge.

Posted by: RobP at March 9, 2011 6:11 PM

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 6:14 PM

Funny thing is I just posted my automatic response to any Diesel review and then I read the thing and I was like "this guy knows what's up" . And then, well, you know, felt like a jackass for not noticing.

Love this fucking place.

/fuck you, Rowles

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 9, 2011 6:22 PM

Funny thing is I just posted my automatic response to any Diesel review and then I read the thing and I was like "this guy knows what's up" . And then, well, you know, felt like a jackass for not noticing.

Love this fucking place.

/fuck you, Rowles

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 9, 2011 6:22 PM

B, I told you not to trust this fucking guy. Rowles is just like Jamie Gumm, he walks around with a goddamn cast on his arm looking for sympathy. And then when you try to help the guy out, BAM!, the next thing you know you’re writing some fucking column. And he’s dancing around the house with nothing on but a scarf and trying to hide his "junk" and looking for more victims.

Posted by: Pookie at March 9, 2011 8:43 PM

This is the happiest fucking thread of my year people. Pookie stands alone- hahahahaha! We gonna get you too. I'm gonna shop you up as Will Smith someday, you just wait.

Posted by: replica at March 9, 2011 11:23 PM

Quote-unquote "quote on quote" should actually be quote-unquote "quote-unquote."

Or, alternatively open quote "quote on quote" closed quote should be open quote "quote-unquote" closed quote, period.

Can I quote you on that ...????

Posted by: Handy Man at March 10, 2011 1:21 AM

When making your b-movie/absoulutley unneccecary seqel number x, Paul Walker is the male eqvivalent of "someone with a nice pair of tits". Yes, he can't act himself into some nonsencical mess of a sci-fi televised series, but he does have those pale blue eyes, and an, if slightly stiff and unnatural, devilish grin... Yes I will watch this, in a theater, preferably out of town.

Posted by: Miramuffin at March 10, 2011 8:51 AM

I'll wait for "FA6T & FU9IOUS."

See what I did there?

Posted by: , at March 10, 2011 9:32 AM

Posted by: No Pithy Name at March 10, 2011 10:42 AM

just plug your earholes when they talk and the loss of IQ points will be minimalized

Posted by: HappyGobo at March 10, 2011 12:34 PM

Now this is the pajiba that I used to miss deadlines at work for. And this is the Slim that I remember during those times, you know when we could still use words like moist without getting in trouble and you could double space after a period if you f'n wanted to. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO indeed.

Posted by: Phat girl at March 10, 2011 5:12 PM

LAcritic.com is where the reviews at, the site's awesome and even better on my Iphone. SWEET!

Posted by: Mark at April 29, 2011 6:23 PM