web
counter

serial podcast / the walking dead / snl / mindhole blowers / netflix / celebrity facts / marvel


Need That Extra Little Push Before Jumping? Ten Minutes of Breaking Dawn Clips

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | November 5, 2012 | Comments ()


jacob_and_the_cradle.jpg

Just to be upfront about things, I am not, have not, and will not be, watching these two clips. Blah blah something about journalistic integrity. Listen up, I've got a precarious mental balance to worry about, and the Pajiba health care plan only covers one institutionalization per year before they ship you to a Ryan Murphy asylum. I'm not going there. I don't need my extra saucy wings clipped.

The Twilight franchise is like the Xeno's paradox of terrible movies. You keep getting through half of what is left in the series and never actually reach the blessed oblivion of the end. The entire exercise might in fact be an elaborate exercise of social Darwinism, subjecting those with intelligence and taste to a harrowing ordeal that only leaves the strongest to survive. If more iterations of this series keep coming out, then the only intelligent people left in the human species by 2100 will be those with mutations for willpower so intense that they can light fires with their cynicism.

So no, I do not encourage you to watch these clips. They certainly involve sparkles and red eyes and awkward bad acting, almost definitely include bad CGI werewolves and intimations of a plot so full of holes that it can no longer scientifically be defined as solid matter, and with surety include at least one shot of a vacant eyed llama drooling over a baby. But by all means, if you're the sort to vote Democrat and watch Fox News for three hours each night, then go for it. Blow your diseased mind:



Ten Movies Released in 2012 That You Had No Idea Were Hugely Profitable Successes | Biz Break: Cory and Topanga Will Offer You a Brief Respite from Politics






Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Dragonchild

    I guess he didn't draw the short straw this time.

  • littlealbatross

    Why Lee Pace? Why? I've just lost all faith in humanity. I had so little before you signed on for this project. Then...they did that to you- your hair? your face? What the fuck are you wearing? Why would you allow this to happen? I want my pie maker back. NOW.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Who votes Democrat and watches 3 hours of Fox News at night?

  • Artemis

    Well, if you want to feel creeped out without watching the videos, I can provide some dialogue to accompany that header picture.

    Cute Little Kid: I like hanging out with you because you buy me anything I want and give me lots of candy and tell me I'm the very bestest person in the entire world, even though sometimes you have a weird look on your face like the people in those Stranger Danger videos my teacher showed in class the other day.

    The Llama: I like hanging out with you because it's already clear that you'll be a hottie when you grow up which makes it easier to spend all the time we're playing with your dolls thinking about how awesome it'll be when you hit 18 and are obligated to start sleeping with me.

  • thenchonto

    I expected it all to go by faster, somehow, but instead, it felt like I was on 'ludes the whole time, trapped in this slow-motion, inescapable nightmare with weird, equally slow music in the background, brazenly disregarding the tone of the clip at hand. I feel that I can now empathize with all those trapped in the franchise. Also, I think I either just ascended to a higher plane of existence or descended to some kind of Lovecraftian hell. I'm not really sure of anything anymore, but the lights are searingly bright here and that infernal music isn't stopping. The hyena-like, unholy laughter seems to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I hope to god that's Azethoth lying in wait and not Peter Facinelli. I should never have clicked 'play'. I regret everything. Help?

  • PDamian

    There is no help, no succor, no mercy. The portal is opened; Yog-Sothoth approaches. His terrible mate, Shub-Niggurath, comes to eat your ... your ... no, wait ... it's just Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene, famewhoring for all they're worth. Never mind.

  • thenchonto

    Oh gods, no! Why couldn't it just be the unyielding elder things? Count me among the newly minted cultish masses. I'm offering myself up to be devoured and forcibly taking the whole Cullen clan and the wolf pack down with me. You're welcome, everyone else. In the event that other casualties ensue, I hope you all understand it was for the best. If you gave ten minutes of your life over to the things I have just seen, you'd do the same. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Chthulhu Forks wgah'nagl fhtagn!

  • Bedewcrock

    well, at least Michael Sheen's on our side of wanting to kill all the Twilight characters.

  • Rochelle

    The only thing that makes a grown man in love with a little girl bearable is Taylor Lautner's terrible acting.

  • ClaireB

    Aaamen.

  • Jannymac

    Ok Steven...this was written as such a...challenge, if you will...and all I can say (scream) now is: "my eyes...my eyes." And here I thought I was made of tougher stuff -- but this...this broke me. The Heiny/Skyfall commercial was cute though.

  • Natallica

    I watched just the second, because I'm a masochistic idiot. And I was waiting for everybody to just burst into laugh in every scene, look at each other and say "Damn, I can't believe we're getting paid for this!"

  • Wembley

    Nah! The header pic covers my weekly allotment of skeeve.

  • More like a lifetime of skeeve. Gah.

blog comments powered by Disqus