I don’t know anything about Mutant Chronicles, probably because I don’t spend a lot of time in my mother’s basement role-playing with droolers and shut-ins or have shelves full of miniature figures that I’ll someday hock to pay for my nasal-spray addiction. (Help me out here, Twig). The movie is based on a “pen-and-paper” role playing game, which I suspect it even geekier than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house (there’s also a spin-off card game — hot!). The movie, like the game, takes place in the distant future — in this case, 2077, where the corporate conglomerates are fighting over rapidly depleting natural resources. There’s a bomb, a mutant army, and Thomas Jane, who saves the world. Or something.
In addition to Jane, the movie — which will premiere in March on video-on demand before being given a token theatrical release in April — stars John Malkovich, Ron Perlman, and Devon Aoki. But don’t go getting your hopes up on account of the cast, please. Take a look at the nonsensical trailer:
The movie is based on a "pen-and-paper" role playing game, which I suspect it even geekier than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house.
You couldn't be more wrong on this point. At all.
Pen-and-paper role playing games are infinitely less geeky than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house, see i.e., LARPing. There are few things geekier than LARPing.
From someone who has been 10 out of the last 12 GenCons, you'll have to trust me on this one.
I played a brief Mutant Chronicles campaign back in my college days. It was a decent game and a pretty interesting concept, but this movie looks horrible.
Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 26, 2009 10:43 AM
The movie is based on a "pen-and-paper" role playing game, which I suspect it even geekier than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house.
You couldn't be more wrong on this point. At all.
Pen-and-paper role playing games are infinitely less geeky than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house, see i.e., LARPing. There are few things geekier than LARPing.
From someone who has been 10 out of the last 12 GenCons, you'll have to trust me on this one.
I played a brief Mutant Chronicles campaign back in my college days. It was a decent game and a pretty interesting concept, but this movie looks horrible.
Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 26, 2009 10:44 AM
Alright, so this is a super nerdy thing to say, but they need to not use the Battlestar Galactica font for their lame ass movie
Posted by: Betty at January 26, 2009 10:45 AM
I'm still waiting for Homeless Dad to come out so that he can pay for gritty personal project about a junkie's life, which he only got to do in exchange for making a rigidly formulaic popcorn movie.
This trailer is trying to go for both, so clearly, it will fail. Time to invest in some diamond cream.
Posted by: foursweatervests at January 26, 2009 10:46 AM
I liked The Mist.
Posted by: annoyingmouse at January 26, 2009 10:47 AM
every time Dustin gets his hate on for the geekery, i wonder what he's suppressing from his past...
Posted by: Grenadine at January 26, 2009 10:52 AM
He was pretty funny on Arrested Development too. Mutant Chronicles sucks extraordinarily hard though in every possible way. Its been available on dvd for maybe a year now. Could be a good candidate for your real time reviews....
Posted by: Alex the not so odd at January 26, 2009 10:52 AM
Pen-and-paper role playing games are infinitely less geeky than the kind of role-playing games that actually get you out of the house, see i.e., LARPing. There are few things geekier than LARPing.
Forbiddendonut speaks the truth. Although I would add that LARPers with big foam weapons are less geeky than those without them. Simply because without the draw of beating a guy senseless with a PVC pipe covered with padding, all you have are theater nerds. *shudder*
this is definitely what I would call a "fandom trailer". It is obvious the only folks that can make sense of that trailer are those already quite familiar with the material. It isn't for the uninitiated, or the closeted masochist movie reviewer population, either.
Thomas Jane Ruins Everything He's Ever Touched
Including that Arquette chick from Medium?
Posted by: Vermilllion at January 26, 2009 10:54 AM
The concept of arguing which RPG is "less nerdy" amuses me endlessly. Please, continue. You brighten my morning.
Posted by: TK at January 26, 2009 10:56 AM
every time Dustin gets his hate on for the geekery, i wonder what he's suppressing from his past...
Oh, don't worry. We have several investigators looking into these claims as we speak.
Posted by: Vermilllion at January 26, 2009 10:57 AM
There is still hope, Ron Perlman.
In my pants.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 26, 2009 10:58 AM
Hey look, Ron Perlman. Hardest working B-movie actor next to The Chin.
uh... let's see.... something something haunting, stacatto flicker of the failing flourescent light in mom's basement something something model paint something catgirls and tentacle porn something something stick-on elf ears blah blah blah drow.
I'm just not feeling it today.
Posted by: twig at January 26, 2009 11:03 AM
Where is that music from and why are people who make trailers obsessed with it?
Posted by: Joe the Plumber at January 26, 2009 11:11 AM
I'm with TK on this one.
Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 11:14 AM
Oh wait, shit, except I did play Kingdom of Loathing for about a week and thought it was funny. Does that count as an RPG?
Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 11:16 AM
Hell if I know, I don't even know what that is, Sabrina. I haven't played an RPG since D&D back in 1985 or so.
Posted by: TK at January 26, 2009 11:23 AM
Thomas Jane certainly did not ruin Boogie Nights, Deep Blue Sea, or 61*.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 26, 2009 11:26 AM
The concept of arguing which RPG is "less nerdy" amuses me endlessly. Please, continue. You brighten my morning.
In all things there is a hierarchy.
Please follow the link below (I added some extra spaces so it'd make it through the filter) for a more detailed description:
And after I get home from work today, I am going to go home and sleep with my wife.
Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 26, 2009 11:30 AM
Sorry, LARPing is miles and miles worse than pen-and-paper. And I knew that even before I started playing a couple of D&D games.
Isn't this why you put a geek on staff, Dustin? So this sort of assholery didn't turn the all-powerful geek masses against you with your willful ignorance?
Posted by: Kat at January 26, 2009 11:34 AM
Hating on Thomas Jane?
You are sad, pathetic, little man.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 26, 2009 11:49 AM
Could we just agree that certain cinematical concepts (specifically sweeping action epics) should not be attempted with anything short of a massive budget? Maybe I'm wrong about this one, but from the trailer it looks like one of those tedious low-budge mindless shoot-em-ups. You have to earn my dollar with something.
Posted by: Eep at January 26, 2009 12:09 PM
To clarify for the non-geeks out there, LARPing involves dressing up in costume and going out to a forest (or park, hee) and play-acting with fake weapons. Awesome when you're 5, not so much when you're 30. Pen and paper RPGs mean a bunch of guys sitting around in someone's basement rolling dice around a table and making up stories about their character while eating Funyuns (the low-tech version of a video game RPG). Still nerdy but at least that shit is in private and doesn't involve costumes.
Posted by: s. pisaster at January 26, 2009 12:39 PM
Posted by: s. pisaster at January 26, 2009 12:46 PM
[raises hand]
Does dressing up for Ren Faire = LARPing?
I just need to know where on the Geek hierarchy I stand, hooded-cape-double-daggers-in-m'boots- staff-in-hand-leather-pouch-filled-w/-coin.
Posted by: Stella at January 26, 2009 12:46 PM
I've already seen this - there are some amazingly hilarious bits of total dumbshittery, like for instance the steam-powered spaceships (whuh?).
Posted by: Dill The Devil at January 26, 2009 12:52 PM
Wow. What the fuck is wrong with John Malkovich? Did he need this paycheck from that movie to pay off the loan shark before his knee-caps get blown away?
And while I'm questioning life, what the fuck is up with great actors doing shitty movies lately?
Are you kidding me? If I could get paid to sit around and sit and goof off with a bunch of people for 14 hours a day, you don't think I'd do it?
These 'actors' get to chill out and still collect a paycheck - while waiting for that Oscar winning script to come through.
Especially after seeing the behind the scenes stuff on Doctor Who - hell, I wish I were an actor, cuz they look like they're having a blast.
Posted by: Stella at January 26, 2009 12:59 PM
forbiddendonut - that was great, thanks for sharing. These things really do need a flow chart.
Posted by: tamatha at January 26, 2009 1:11 PM
The concept of arguing which RPG is "less nerdy" amuses me endlessly. Please, continue. You brighten my morning.
Yes, along the lines of a necrophiliac serial killer and pedophile serial killer arguing which is creepier.
Okay, that may be a bit strong. It's an analogy, not a simile. Send your complaints to:
Gandalf the White
c/o Frodo Baggins
3 Bag End
Hobbiton, The Shire 3497
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 26, 2009 1:52 PM
"Ron Perlman gives me a clitboner."
Marra, Pretty sure I can help you with that. If you don't mind closing your eyes, I'll answer to "Ron."
Or did you already rub one out?
Posted by: rondaddy at January 26, 2009 3:06 PM
I've actually seen this movie. As you'd expect, it's kind of stupid (for lack of a better word) and just seems to be full of holes. But it's also kind of bad ass, in a zombie movie-meets-Sky Capt & the World of Tomorrow-meets-300 with Jane playing a shitty Nick Fury kind of way.
Essentially, you'd sit through it complaining and laughing at at unintentional comedic situations but at the end, wonder why you didn't just turn it off.
Posted by: JapJay at January 26, 2009 4:10 PM
Quite frankly I have no objections to Thomas Jane touching and ruining my body...all day and all night. Preferably while wearing his kilt and not much else.
Oh, and I saw "Let the Right One In" yesterday and honestly thought it was overrated. The kids were great in it but being overlooked for Best Picture? Yeah, I can understand why.
Posted by: Be Adequite! at January 26, 2009 4:32 PM
when i got out of my coma i didn't have any friends anymore, and not being able to drive in a suburb of los angeles made for lonely times.
so instead of doing something logical like joining a book club, i joined an area vampire LARP (Live Action Role Playing) group. that lasted two weeks before i realized that i thought it was insanely asinine.
more importantly, what's the name of that AMAZING looking movie sequel where the guy's organs are replaced with mechanisms but he wakes up before they take his penis and then he has to eat electricity to stay alive?
Posted by: grey fox at January 26, 2009 7:29 PM
Crank 2?
Posted by: grendel at January 26, 2009 10:14 PM
Dustin's actually a closeted gamer. I've got a mental image of a red-headed guy with a ton of back hair and blue eyeshadow fondling a pair of d20's in one hand and flagellating himself with the other, crying while watching tentacle porn.
Posted by: longcoat000 at January 28, 2009 7:53 PM
Video ads popping up after each page view? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Despite his face, Ron Perlman gives me a clitboner. I think it's his voice. Just, you know, FYI.