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Movie Trailer F*ck, Marry, Falcon Punch: 'Crave' 'Some Velvet' 'Furnace', Won't We?

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | November 13, 2013 | Comments ()


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You know the rules. You watch the trailers. You think about it for a bit. You decide which trailer you want to F*ck. You decide which trailer to Marry. Finally, you Falcon Punch the last bitch. Let’s do this.

Out of the Furnace starring Christian Bale, Casey Affleck, Zoe Saldana, Willem Dafoe, Sam Shepard, and Forest Whitaker.

Some Velvet Morning starring Stanley Tucci and Alice Eve.

Crave starring Josh Lawson, Ron Perlman, Emma Lung, and Edward Furlong.

Hmm. I don’t think I thought this through. I mean, you read the description for Crave and think it’s going to be a greasy turd floating in a punch bowl. Instead it seems I must F*ck Crave.

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Out of the Furnace was less surprising in its ability to make me Marry it. If Christian Bale shows up, I’m there.

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Some Velvet Morning gets the Falcon Punch since it looks like Tucci slaps one down on Eve and I’m not interested in that.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Out of the Furnace looks like one of those well-acted yet slightly pretentious films that comes out every fall/winter. The type of movie that expects a ton of awards, but will be largely forgotten by critics. That being said, I'll probably see it.
    LaBute has never been my cup of tea, so I'll have to skip it, even though Tucci looks gorgeous. As for Crave, that totally looks like a catch-on-cable movie that I'll enjoy at 1am.

  • wojtek

    "Some Velvet Morning" is beyond reprehensible. LaBute's clearly escalating, and with this he's taken the "fantasy" as far as he could on the big screen. Seriously, when someone inevitably brings him up on rape charges, people will think back to this toxic piece of garbage and go "Oh... yeah, I guess it was all there for everyone to see."

    Sorry, had a rage flashback.

  • JenVegas

    I'm really conflicted. I always want to falcon punch Neil LaBute but I always want to marry Stanley Tucci.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Ditto. Damn if Tucci in that suit doesn't make a good case for me seeing that movie, though.

  • Mrs. Julien

    For a fully-clothed photo, that header pic seems especially prurient.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I did a double-take wondering if she'd split her skirt.

  • John W

    Why is Neil Labute controversial?

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    He has a whole host of issues with women, which is pretty much what every one of his plays is about. I don't know if that's controversial or not, but that's my best guess.

  • BlackRabbit

    I might go see a film called "Crave Some Velvet Furnace" though.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Sounds like a rockin' porno, doesn't it?

  • Pajiba_Pragmatist

    Alice Eve is 31. Stanley Tucci is 53. REALLY!!!???!!!??? 53 and 31???
    Yes, Stanley Tucci is very good looking for 53, but Alice Eve is SMOKING, and thirty one years old.

    Show of hands here, how many people know people with a 22 year age gap who are married/dating? I've got one, and it's the second wife for a economically well off friend who is admittedly charming, quite smart, and crazy rich - oh I said rich twice did I??

  • Addicct

    My partner is 20 years my senior and we have been together for 10. I do agree that we are the exception to the rule. I only know one other couple who has a 20 year age gap (they have been married 25 years). I should add that I am attractive and he is definitely not rich- again, I am aware this is not common. Sometimes you just like who you like.

  • If I'm 53 and able to pull in 31-year old smokeshows like Alice Eve, I'll think I did something right in a previous life.

  • troublesometots

    Agreed. Although I don't think you're giving Stanley Tucci enough credit. He looks fantastic. He's rocking the bald, confident, sexy-suit thing.

    And if there's one thing everybody knows, it's that a fit older man in a sexy fitted suit is essentially catnip for 31 year old women.

  • JenVegas

    It's catnip for 38 year old women too.

  • becks_

    There were 25 years between my mother and father and honestly, my mother had a real Alice Eve thing going on when she was young. She kind of still does.

    Unusual though.

  • Pajiba_Pragmatist

    Congrats! Super happy for your family - and I mean that.

    It does seem like Hollywood loves the idea of putting men who are old enough to be the father of the ingenue as the leading man.

    Young girls I know (in their early to mid twenties) generally refer to any man over 35 as "old"; I've never heard any of them say "I'm really looking for a guy in his late 40's early 50's..

  • marigi

    I'm sorry but 21-25 is NOT 31, in terms of age and taste in men. And some girls are just attracted to older guys. I've always dated older, and my partner is now 13 years older than me (and looks a bit like Tucci). If that's who you like, guys your age group will just disappear, there is nothing you can do about it. And Tucci is really really really yummy, charming, and I'd say yes to those eyes any day!!! The same goes for Clooney, Patrick Stewart, Harrison Ford and many more. I guess I'm a retirement home slut...

  • becks_

    Definitely. I think it's a relationship dynamic that's favoured by a very small sample of women in that age bracket and then there are some May/Decembers that most likely develop in spite of the age difference. Not common.

    Many years after my father passed away my mother dated a man who was 15 years younger than her so I think she's one of those people who doesn't pay much attention to age.

  • Guest

    No F*ck, No Marry, Falcon Punch All.

  • PDamian

    Agreed. Out of the Furnace looks like it might be somewhat decent, but I probably won't see anyways. The other two are just heinous.

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