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Moronidiotardic

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (49)

P_Bride-thumb-260x201-9860.jpg

How great is this! According to the trailer for Saw 3D: The Traps Come Alive (real title), the next installment of the franchise (the last, so it’s been reported) will feature some sort of killvision. It’s better than 3D! Tobin Bell will personally come to your theater seat and slice you in half with a serrated blade! And you probably deserve it for supporting this franchise.

Seriously: Dumbest fucking trailer I’ve seen for a horror movie in a long time.









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Comments

The header photo on the left makes me happy.
The header photo on the right makes me sad.

Posted by: Stella at September 10, 2010 10:02 AM

I always expect to hear something confusing about turtles when Tobin talks. Isn't Sean Flanery involved in this? That just breaks my coal black heart

Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at September 10, 2010 10:04 AM

with a cerated blade!
---
With a what?

*confusedly ponders what DR meant to say, runs through mental dictionary ...*

Ah! You mean "serrated."

You're welcome.

Posted by: , at September 10, 2010 10:06 AM

No, no I won't survive. The will to live will have been sufficiently snuffed out 10 minutes into this utter atrocity.

Posted by: Nimue at September 10, 2010 10:08 AM

Was that Linkin Park's Chester Bennington I saw?

Posted by: Dill The Devil at September 10, 2010 10:13 AM

Stella, google some recent photos of Cary Elwes... the header photo is probably the least flattering one available. He actually looks pretty damn good, he's aged better than a lot of other actors. Too bad about his career though.

Posted by: snapnhiss at September 10, 2010 10:14 AM

Dustin,

I think you mean "Retardiostupdiculous."

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 10:17 AM

cerated blade

Is that a shy, awkward knife that cuts the same way in every movie?

Posted by: mswas at September 10, 2010 10:20 AM

mswas that comment was perfect in so many ways.

Also, would people really not try and do something if they saw two guys strapped to a set of table saws in a glass box screaming for help? I mean, they had to stop making Orkin commercials with the bug that crawled across the screen because too many people sued because they broke their TV trying to kill the cockroach. A lot of people have a hard time not believing everything they see is real.

Posted by: Kayanne at September 10, 2010 10:31 AM

When did Carey Elwes turn into a 47 year old lesbian woman?

Posted by: PissBoy at September 10, 2010 10:33 AM

Please, PLEASE send me your drafts for proofing. I don't want any pay. I'll pay YOU. I just can't face one more dumb spelling error on this site.

Posted by: Ned at September 10, 2010 10:34 AM

Jesus, Ned.

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 10:42 AM

Ok. Conceptually, the newest (last my ass) Saw movie is interesting. They're commenting on voyeurism and the death-chasing of the media through the mechanics of a Saw film. They're all in the game because they were aware of the Jigsaw Killer and just watched as he kept going and going (nevermind the countless dead police officers and FBI agents; they don't count). If I remember correctly, a small group is being assisted through the traps by the entire crowd, and the small group cannot survive without outside help.

That said, the trailer rides the shortbus to the movie theater with a helmet on.

Posted by: Robert at September 10, 2010 10:58 AM

Ned, please submit two thousand words of double-spaced type on any subject you wish. I expect that there will not be one spelling, punctuation or grammatical error in the entire essay as, if there is, I shall show up at your door with a Louisville Slugger and proceed to re-enact the entire two hours of Back Door Hussies 3. You have twenty minutes.

Posted by: admin at September 10, 2010 11:02 AM

That franchise sold out after Vol. 2.

Posted by: Ian at September 10, 2010 11:05 AM

Ian, Saw II was the first major sell-out move of the series. For goodness sake, they took Darren Lynn Bousman's unrelated screenplay and slammed Jigsaw in it to make it a quick sequel to an unexpected hit. If that's not selling out (duh...why write a sequel when we can just co-opt another film and sign the writer on to a lengthy directorial contract?), I don't know what is.

Posted by: Robert at September 10, 2010 11:11 AM

The problem with Cary Elwes is:

1. Nobody knows how to pronounce his last name.
2. He can't act.
3. He's The Dread Pirate Roberts in everything I've seen him in (ex. Robin Hood: Men in Tights).
4. In Shadow of the Vampire, he played the German cinematographer. He had a German accent for about two sentences, and then he was The Dread Pirate Roberts for the rest of the movie.
5. He can't even get his own accent right. I always get the impression that he's an American doing a very bad English accent, or an Englishman doing a very bad American accent.
6. Strangely enough, he's my least favorite actor in The Princess Bride.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2010 11:17 AM

Hey! That IS that little twerp from Linkin Park! (I looked it up). Okay, now I'll DEFINITELY see this just to watch that little weiner get fucked up. I hope he starts whining about finding a place to belong just as a blade slices right through his face. And I hope those turds he's got hanging from his ears get ripped off first. Hell, I might even see it twice if that happens.

Posted by: Case at September 10, 2010 11:24 AM

BWeaves:

Correct on every count. But you forgot to add that he's also the smokin hottest actor in Princess Bride. (With a nod to Jerry Dandridge).

Posted by: klingon at September 10, 2010 11:26 AM

This may actually be the last one for the simple reason that I believe the last installment didn't make very much money if I remember correctly. My husband has accused me of being willing to watch absolutely anything with "horror" smacked on it and even I gave up on this pile of disaster after number 3.

Posted by: redtuna at September 10, 2010 11:29 AM

I prefer "cerated" to "serrated". The former has a certain winking quality to it, like it's a joke that only the cool kids are in on. You have my permission to change it back.

Posted by: stardust at September 10, 2010 11:44 AM

That was actually a damn scary trailer. Some asshole made another Saw movie? In 3D? That's frightening.

Posted by: Paul at September 10, 2010 12:12 PM

I'll settle for no misspellings in the titles of posts. The ones in the copy underneath don't bother me so much. Shit happens. But do proofread the headers. Please.

Posted by: Slash at September 10, 2010 1:09 PM

Admin, I might make a mistake, or I might not; I'm pretty good. But I can guarantee three things:

1) I would have taken the time to proofread it, especially if I had as many readers as you do. It's not that hard. I would not, as you do, simply assume that whatever fell out of my head must be correct. You are lazy.

2) If someone brought an error to my attention, especially in a lighthearted way, I would have felt a little embarrassed, and I would have planned to be more careful next time. I would not have responded with threats.

3) If I had written not 2,000 words, but only 80 words as you did... Yeah, I bet I could avoid any errors.

These careless errors are common on Pajiba these days. I wrote my little comment not after seeing one little mistake, but after seeing mistakes daily. I am not the only one who noticed or commented. And it's amazing to me, considering your whole deal is snarky criticisms of others, that you are so thin-skinned.

You're a professional writer. Act like one.

Posted by: Ned at September 10, 2010 1:23 PM

Know what I say when someone points out a little mistake I made? "Oops."

I don't say "I will fuck you in the ass with a bat."

Posted by: ned at September 10, 2010 1:37 PM

Ned is the kind of guy who makes sweet love to the English language every night. Even the nonsensical rules and spellings are brought to climax.

And Dustin, you should hire this guy. Anyone this passionate about the written word will keep your shit tight.

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 1:40 PM

Jesus, Kballs, fine, I'm a prick for pointing out a mistake -- though isn't it funny how something ten times as nasty is just great here?

Honestly, no joke, I thought my tone in my first post was in keeping with the overall snarkiness of the site. Everyone is throwing insults around; how was I to know I was picking at the one and only sore spot? And is there no love for the THREE OTHER PEOPLE who also pointed it out?

Sorry I flew off the handle before. Something about vile threats -- which are OK here, BTW -- sets me off. I'm struggling to find something as ugly to say as what you wrote, but I guess I really don't have what it takes.

Posted by: ned at September 10, 2010 1:53 PM

Ha ha, Old Painty-Can Ned!

Posted by: mswas at September 10, 2010 2:00 PM

Is that a shy, awkward knife that cuts the same way in every movie?

When they lead to absolute gems like this by mswas, I can't help but enjoy typoes.

Posted by: branded at September 10, 2010 2:15 PM

I'm sorry. Honestly and really, no sarcasm, sorry. I should not have written my first post. I will keep my proofing to myself.

Posted by: Ned at September 10, 2010 2:17 PM

Oops. Should have said that I wish I hadn't written any other posts either. Except the sorry one.

Posted by: Ned at September 10, 2010 2:20 PM

Ned, everyone is really extra super bitchy today. Just roll with the punches and keep posting. Their medication will eventually kick in.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2010 3:10 PM

Ned,

I was serious about Dustin hiring you.

Otherwise, I'm just messing with you. Calm. Down. I actually agree that the proofing has taken a nosedive of late. You were just so worked up about it I decided to have a little fun.

Tell you what, take the weekend off and come back fresh on Monday.

'balls

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 3:11 PM

That trailer does one thing perfectly, though: it states that the movie was SHOT IN 3D. I am never going to see a "converted" 3D film again - if it wasn't worth the expense of shooting it in 3D, then you certainly aren't getting extra money from me for making the film darker and blurrier.

Posted by: Edith at September 10, 2010 4:25 PM

Folks, folks, folks. I used the wrong word. It was my fault entirely, and I take no umbrage with anyone calling me out. Granted, spell check couldn't have caught it, because I spelled the word correctly. I just used the wrong word, and all the proofing in the world wouldn't have solved the issue. I thought I was using the right word in this instance. Sometimes, you get a certain spelling in your head, and it sticks. Like, Scarlett Johansson. I have to look it up every fucking time. We write a lot of posts; mistakes slip through, and we don't have a copy-editing staff.

Anyway, sorry about the occasional typo. We had a proofreader for a while, and she was fantastic. Really amazing. But it's a thankless job that requires reading 15 - 18 posts a day and comes with no compensation, and she eventually got a real job. That said: Ned, or anyone else: If you really want to edit the site, I'd be happy to give you access to do so and credit on the staff page. We love copy editors.

Otherwise, what we really like is when people email us with corrections instead of shaming us. But, the shaming is fine, too. It is in the spirit of bitchery.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at September 10, 2010 5:09 PM

Well fucking done, Rowles, well fucking done.

Posted by: iheartlasagne at September 10, 2010 5:17 PM

Ned is the kind of guy who makes sweet love to the English language every night. Even the nonsensical rules and spellings are brought to climax.

[Ned and English Language are snuggled up by a warm fire eating chocolate-dipped strawberries and sipping champagne]
Ned: C'mere, baby.
English Language: mmrph mrphmrmmm hrm
Ned: Oh yeah, you like that? You like when I do that to you?
English Language: mmRRR mrphm
Ned: Yeah, you like it. You like it when I use my finger to...
English Language: GRRmmm hrm hrm
Ned: HA...yeah, it sure is. All the way to the moon, baby.
English Language: mmmmmmmm hrgrhrmmm
Ned: No baby. Spanish ain't got a thing on you. You aint' got nothin' t'worry 'bout. You're the best, baby -- the best!
English Language: brmmdrhrm
Ned: I love it when you talk dirty, babe. Abuse me!
English Language: [double negative]
Ned: OW! Hell yeah! Do it again!
English Language: [dangling participle]
Ned: Goddamn, baby -- you got a wicked side! Let's get dowwwwwn to it...
English Language: rrrrrrrrrr
[Ned gets down with English Language]

Posted by: superasente at September 10, 2010 5:39 PM

Pajiba - come for the bitchery, stay for the shaming.

Posted by: mswas at September 10, 2010 6:47 PM

So, they're saying I might die if I go to see this. Hmmm...

Posted by: Candy at September 10, 2010 6:52 PM

In this thread, we have grammar drama (OK FINE it's word usage, which isn't exactly grammar, but ffs you know what I mean!), discussion of some dork from linkin park, a bad terrible movie, apparent lesbian fascination with the Dread Pirate Roberts and slash porn fiction.

Sniff. I love you guys.

-Frob

Posted by: frobme at September 10, 2010 8:23 PM

Kick a guy in the nuts after he's backed down and apologized. You're a class act, superasente.

Posted by: Ned at September 10, 2010 9:10 PM

Ha, supresente! Dangling participles ARE rather naughty....

And Ian's comment is hilarious if you read it as a follow-up to admin's comment.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 10, 2010 9:29 PM

Dude, Ned! You were a sex machine in my wee tale! It ain't hate I'm throwin' at you, baby -- it's love!

Posted by: superasente at September 10, 2010 10:12 PM

Oh my Wesley where have you gone? Take off that fat suit already and make the girls happy again....PLEASE!

Posted by: ph at September 11, 2010 1:07 PM

Saw 3D: Skynet has gone sadistic

Posted by: lol at September 12, 2010 12:15 PM

If Ned wasn't serious about the proofreading gig, I'll take it. No pay necessary... I just get off on proofreading.

Honest.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at September 13, 2010 12:52 AM

Cary Elwes's great uncle was married to Nancy Mitford. Isn't that interesting?

Posted by: Dora at September 13, 2010 6:32 AM

BWeaves - my inner 12 year old heart cannot let this go.

Cary Elwes is not the best actor by any stretch, but he can act and his career should have had a better trajectory if for no other reason than:
1) Glory
and
2) The Cradle Will Rock.

He's fucking fantastic in both of those - and doesn't yet look like Bizarro Janet Reno in either. He's worthy of my swooning, damnit!!

Posted by: Tammy at September 13, 2010 9:21 AM

I think his best performance was as The Claw.

Posted by: Mr. Fancypants at September 13, 2010 6:51 PM