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Nobody Puts Billy Zane in a Corner

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (18)

love_n_dancing01.jpg

You just look at the title to Love N’ Dancing, and you think: There’s no way it can get more retarded than the name of the movie.

But then you watch the trailer.

This has what “So You Think You Can Dance Dance with the Stars Revolution” has wrought: A swing-dance competition movie. And no: This is distinct from How She Stepped Up, Stomped the Yard, and Got Served 2 — it’s not targeted at tweens. It’s targeted at the adults who plant their fat asses on their couches on Monday nights and loudly announce to their cats that they could do better than Denise Richards if only they had a professional dance partner and 16 extra hours a day to practice.

Love ‘N Dancing (no shit, that’s the real title) stars Amy Smart as a woman who decides to take a dance class, only to be tapped by her deaf instructor as a partner for the U.S. Open swing-dance competition (does such a thing exist?). The catch? Apparently, Amy Smart’s fiance, played by Billy Zane, ain’t crazy about all these bojangle shenanigans.

Whatever. My advice: Just dance. Dance like it hurts. Dance like you’re selling nails. Dance like you’re fucking the floor and the ceiling all at once. Just do it. Dance!

*jazz hands*









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Comments

Gee, do you think he might show up to MY school and sweep me off to a dance competition? Because that's every teacher's dream.

Posted by: idgiepug at April 13, 2009 8:18 PM

This looks like a Christian propaganda movie where it turns out that becoming deaf was God's way of testing the dance instructor, and when he finally gets over it to compete, he loses the competition because he's been squandering his gifts all these years, but then one of the judges is Jesus in disguise and gives him back his hearing. Plus Amy Smart learns that instead of fornicating, she should have been sublimating her desires into dance, but it's okay because now she and the instructor are getting married! Huzzah!

Also, this movie looks like a giant cesspool of suck. My seven retarded roommates will probably be dying to see it.

Posted by: Geetch at April 13, 2009 8:38 PM

Holy Crap.
This is the best thing I have seen all day. when all the eloquent's go home, you put up this diamond encrusted dog turd. I have watched three times and I cannot stop laughing.
Ah........ to be a fly on the wall of the office that green-lite (lighted?) this.
And isn't Billy in his fifties? Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Sidebar... The Phantom will alwasy have a place in my heart because it was the summer I worked at movie theater.

Posted by: badalamenti at April 13, 2009 8:46 PM

Jesus-fuck.

This thing looks like it was filmed for about $37 dollars and a blowjob. And maybe I risk offending somebody: but if he's deaf, how does his dialog alone carry more intonation than the rest of the cast?

And I guess it's well accepted that The Zane is a blowhard, but can we all just accept that Amy Smart is a shit actress and only marginally attractive? If this is one of those 'Jesus movies,' could somebody ask Him how an career can be built entirely on small tits and whip cream?

Posted by: CleverJohnny at April 13, 2009 8:53 PM

I am a chump luv sucka for dance competition movies, the worse, the better. It's gonna be a magic day when it makes its way to cable. :)

Posted by: Chickaboom at April 13, 2009 9:48 PM

This looks awesomely bad and I may just have to peep it when it hits the theater pub. Heh.

Posted by: Iris at April 13, 2009 10:53 PM

Blargh. Didn't they already do this with Richard Gere and J-Lo, and didn't it totally suck then too?

ENOUGH WITH THE DANCING MOVIES. FUCK.

Posted by: figgy at April 13, 2009 11:37 PM

The shitty J.Lo/Gere movie was an American remake of a very cute Japanese movie, by the same name, of Shall We Dance.

And no, Figgy, not enough with the dancing movies. There needs to be more. With smaller plots, and more angsty teens and spouses crying at their mothers and wives. More breaking the rules while incorporating all that you learned at Brave New Girl academy (I swear I was the only person who watched that one). More going to Julliard because your best friend couldn't make the audition because she was dying of cancer (and that one too). More Hayden Panty-airy and Solange fighting it out, direct to video.

No, figgy, there aren't enough. And the gods are angry, because their tears of joy when Jody decides to never hear if ABC will take her as a ballerina, because Cooper Neilson invited her into his company, just don't cut it anymore.

Posted by: Rowen at April 14, 2009 12:33 AM

!

I stand humbly corrected. The world clearly cries for more. MORE DANCING MOVIES. FUCK YEAH.

Posted by: figgy at April 14, 2009 1:42 AM

"...but can we all just accept that Amy Smart is a shit actress and only marginally attractive?"
Posted by: CleverJohnny at April 13, 2009 8:53 PM

I've killed men for less than that.

This movie looks like crap salad with extra peanuts, but Amy is still a goddess.

Posted by: Bane at April 14, 2009 5:21 AM

Remember when Billy Zane was kind of awesome? His psycho in "Dead Calm" was a lot of fun but it was "Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight" where he really let his freak flag fly. Talk about a craptastic movie, I love the hell out of that flick and Zane was just badass as a demonic bounty hunter. However it all kind of came crashing down with "Titanic". I get what he was going for but when every line drips overwrought sleaze it gets a bit hard to take him seriously after. "I know you're melancholy, I don't pretend to know why." I try to use that line at least once a week.

Posted by: TylerDFC at April 14, 2009 7:29 AM

Did I spot Caroline Rhea in the background, probably filling the role of "quirky best friend"? I will be seeing this, possibly in the theater, possibly with a large flask of Jack.

Posted by: hotpinklola at April 14, 2009 10:14 AM

I can't lie: I love dance movies. You know it's going to be terrible going in, so you just love it for its cheese and its predictable plot and its sweet sweet dancing.

Posted by: kelsy at April 14, 2009 11:21 AM

Nobody puts Billy Zane in a corner

Now that put a smile on my dial.

TylerDFC, as far as I'm concerned, Billy Zane still is kinda awesome - the man has craptastic down to an art. His appearance in Zoolander cracked me up. And I accidentally caught The Phantom on TV a while ago - hilarious doesn't quite cover it.

Posted by: redhead at April 14, 2009 9:23 PM

i like amy smart, shes a pretty good dancer too
myspace.com/lovendancing

Posted by: lilly at April 17, 2009 7:32 PM

Sorry but no lame-o American unintentionally cheesy dance movie can top the gleeful insanity of Strictly Ballroom.

"And then! He ripped her dress!!"

Posted by: AM at April 22, 2009 2:56 PM

I know I'm on a site where people are specifically looking to trash the movie. And maybe dance movies aren't for you. And most of them are cheesy (World Peace through dance! Inter-generational and/or Interracial Understanding through dance!), you know what I mean.

But just so you know - yes, such a thing exists. The US Open is usually Thanksgiving weekend in Southern California. Any other weekend of the year, there are national competitions in various cities that draw up to 1,000-1,500 dancers. And a lot of them are really talented. Don't go to the movie for the plot, sheesh, people! Go to see some really talented dancers (not the leads, obviously) that aren't B-list "stars" and appreciate their performances.

Posted by: aces at April 28, 2009 12:59 PM

I will see the movie - I happen to enjoy cheesy dance movies! ;)
Also, love hearing the song "Just Like This" in the trailer so am curious to hear all the music.

Posted by: Wynston at May 10, 2009 3:30 AM