Jonas Brothers 3-D Trailer

Nothing Would Make Me Happier than To Simultaneously Take Away the Virginity of All Three of Them

With a Baseball Bat / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | February 20, 2009 | Comments (29)

No words.

THERE ARE NO WORDS.

In seven days. In Disney 3-D. Can we all say a little prayer for Agent Bedhead, who pulled the short straw? Stick it in your eye, Kimberly. Stick it in both eyes, and then puncture your eardrums with it. It’s the only way to save yourself.

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Comments

You're wasting too much thought on this sort of thing.

Posted by: Cindy at February 20, 2009 10:34 AM

Cindy

They said if I ignored the bullies they would go away. They were lying then too.

I am just waiting (praying) for the first drug/sex/goat scandal. A DUI just isn't going to cut it. I demand humiliation.

Posted by: twig at February 20, 2009 10:39 AM

Aw, c'mon. So they're talentless overly-sanitized cardboard cutouts. In a few years, you know they're going to be rich fodder for reality TV, right? Let them enjoy their (hopefully) fleeting success.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 20, 2009 10:43 AM

They might not go away, but why waste any thought on them if they aren't directly affecting you?

Maybe they'll have group sex with Miley and her Dad?

Posted by: Cindy at February 20, 2009 10:44 AM

I don't know how these these girls can get so jacked up over a couple of guys who can't grow pubes. Maybe it's their smooth, milky skin or their glossy, wavy hair that makes the fans so hot. Maybe it's how their skinny jeans strain gently against their slender thighs, or the way their duclet alto voices softly sigh--

Oh shit. Jonas fans are lesbians.

Now I get it. Carry on.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 20, 2009 10:50 AM

Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time, for y'all have knocked her up. I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe. I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all or drown in my own shit.

Posted by: Lucas at February 20, 2009 10:51 AM

Oh shit. Jonas fans are lesbians.

Even the baby dykes I know would crack all three Jonases over one knee. Maybe it's that elusive "Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls Who do boys like theyre girls Who do girls like theyre boys" market.

Maybe they'll have group sex with Miley and her Dad?

Imagining the headlines on that one starting... now.

Posted by: twig at February 20, 2009 10:56 AM

What woman dresses these boys? They look like Duran Duran. God, I miss the days of flannel and dirty jeans.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 20, 2009 11:08 AM

They might not go away, but why waste any thought on them if they aren't directly affecting you?

Because it's funny.

Look, I could refuse to acknowledge the Jonas Bros. existence. But then I couldn't catalogue all of the humorous ways in which they are hateable, or lovingly go through possible Jonas Bros. Final Destination-style extermination scenarios (my favorite involves a misfiring Hello Kitty vibrator, a hair dryer, and a duck).

What you propose would be no less than the death of fun. Also of the Pajiba comment section.

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at February 20, 2009 11:09 AM

Did anyone else notice that the Google ad under this bit is of, like, nails or something? As though even Google were saying, "Dude, just stick these fuckers in your eyes. You'll be better off."

Posted by: Lindsay at February 20, 2009 11:34 AM

I sorta liked how the beginning could have stood in for a horror trailer with how it was edited and the running and the screaming.

Then I realized that it was a horror trailer.

The horror... the horror....

Posted by: Andrew at February 20, 2009 11:36 AM

Why would this movie even need a review? It's a Jonas Brothers concert. Isn't it kind of self-explanatory?

Posted by: Snath at February 20, 2009 11:36 AM

As dismissive as I am of the Jonas "Brothers," are we're saying that they are better or worse than groups like NKOTB, Another Bad Creation (yes, I love "Iesha") and The Partridge Family?

Imagining the headlines on that one starting... now.

Achy Breaky Orgy?

Posted by: branded at February 20, 2009 11:52 AM

What makes you so sure they're still virgins?

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at February 20, 2009 12:31 PM

(my favorite involves a misfiring Hello Kitty vibrator, a hair dryer, and a duck).

I think that's my favorite too...

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 20, 2009 12:41 PM

"The Jonas Brothers like you've never seen them before?" Oh, I beg to fucking differ. It was called the Miley Cyrus 3D movie in which they sang like two entire songs in, and I'm still scrubbing that memory out of my brain with booze.

Posted by: Stacey at February 20, 2009 12:47 PM

branded, I'd never argue that these well shaven twats are necessarily better than NKOTB, but at least the New Kids hailed from Boston, whereas the Jonas Brothers hail from the depths of Disney hell.

Also, I have a big squishy spot in my heart for Donnie Wahlberg.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 20, 2009 12:51 PM

Because it's funny.

You think?

Color me bored to tears.

Posted by: Cindy at February 20, 2009 12:58 PM

I am always disappointed when someone mentions the Jonas brothers and neglects to mention their uncanny resemblance to hobbits.

Posted by: Brigs at February 20, 2009 1:10 PM

What woman dresses these boys? They look like Duran Duran.

Oh. No. You. Did. NOT!

bucdaddy, you're my boy and all, but I am afraid I can't let that one pass; Duran Duran having named themselves after me an all. Sorry homey, I'ma gonna have to take a finger.

Posted by: admin at February 20, 2009 1:32 PM

Spice World 3D was better.

Posted by: Sabrina at February 20, 2009 1:57 PM

But... but... they have promise rings Dustin.

Posted by: Trollin' at February 20, 2009 2:23 PM

Jonas Or Bust.

No, really. They're mutually exclusive, or so I hear.

Posted by: agent bedhead at February 20, 2009 5:24 PM

Now let's leave the New Wave pioneers out of this. At least they did androgyny a service. These twinks just slap on some sparkle gel and invest in a good eyebrow manicurist as a prerequisite to getting their 'rock' on. I can't wait for the day when they're sentenced to the purgatory of VH1 Reality Show hell for raping me in the ear.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at February 20, 2009 5:39 PM

I have spent the past 6 months or so ignoring the Jonas Bros, even when seeing their smiling mugs on a teeny mag at work. But now I have heard a bit of their music from the trailer, and I must say,
Fuck. They suck.
I mean really, if you're trying to have a explosive trailer (I mean, it's for a 3D movie for Christ's sake!) you should have some songs that sound at least a little less lackluster. I thought there may be some hope for the next generation after games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band introduced them to some decent music, but now I have lost all hope.

Posted by: Quincy at February 20, 2009 10:10 PM

Ah geeze! What the hell? You KNOW I'm going have to find a way to drag my cousin AWAY from this shite! I managed to save her from the Meyers Necromicon but THIS may be too difficult even for ME to manage. She is in some kind of teenage lust mania for Jack/Harry/Sam whatever the hell his name is from that shitty a** group.

Dammit! I think I need holy water 'cause Disney is just killing me now. I used to actually like them you know. Remember the original Fantasia with the dancing hippo? I thought that was awesome.

Walt is turning in his grave I say! Just SPINNING!

Posted by: Four Eyes at February 21, 2009 7:17 AM

It is said these guys are looking for
romances at ---Richromances.com--- where many celebrities and gentelmen are looking for lov*e. Is that true?

Posted by: lawrence at February 21, 2009 9:38 AM

I don't know, lawrence, why don't you tell me if it's true.

Posted by: popejenn at February 21, 2009 12:37 PM

This is like forced pedophilia for the parents. In 3D with pants that tight, you're being poked in the eye with underage sock enhanced wang, and all because your child is OCD over the Disney channel.

You know this is all Billy Ray's fault.

Posted by: Captain Steve at February 21, 2009 8:58 PM

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