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John Carter Trailer: I Dunno If There's A Set Of Abs On Any Planet That Can Save This Goofy Looking Flick

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (17)

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So before we go any further, I should just fess up: I’ve never seen “Friday Night Lights.” It’s on a long list of TV shows that Dustin incessantly badgers me about seeing that I just never seem to get around to. So I don’t know much about Taylor Kitsch beyond his unfortunate turn as Gambit in the putrid Wolverine movie. I’m trying not to hold that against him.

Now, he’s been given a starring role in the adaptation of Edgar Rice Burrough’s John Carter of Mars, which has been shortened to simply John Carter. wherein he plays a Confederate soldier who is mysteriously transported to Mars (called “Barsoom” in the Burrough’s series of novels) where he finds himself a would-be savior. The first trailer premiered a few months ago, and now there’s a new one that’s heavy on the CGI. It’s a little too Phantom Menace-y for my tastes in some parts, but it appears to be pretty epic in scope — unsurprising, since it’s got a rumored budget of around $250 million. Yikes. Disney is pinning a pile of money on it, and I have to admit, based on this occasionally goofy-assed looking trailer, that may not have been money well spent (Steven recently described the images as an outtake from Prince Of Persia).

Oddly, it appears to spoil a relatively important gladiatorial battle right off the bat.

It’s got most of the tenets of the novels in there — Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins), a mess of four-armed Martians, desert landscapes, the whole enchilada. The film is directed by Andrew Stanton (Wall*E, Finding Nemo), and it’s got a wicked supporting cast, including Willem Dafoe, Thomas Hayden Church, James Purefoy, Samantha Morton, Polly Walker, Dominic West, and Mark Strong. But… I’m just not feelin’ it. I’m not saying it might not be fun, but not the epic extravaganza that the Mouse is hoping for.

Whaddya think?









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Comments

It looks irritatingly similar to a half-dozen other movies, in more than the usual "all action movies look the same" way.

It's not making back that $250 million. Luckily for Disney, they have Pixar's guaranteed cash cow to fall back on.

Posted by: twig at December 1, 2011 10:22 AM

I kinda liked it.

Posted by: Magiel at December 1, 2011 10:24 AM

Abs have saved a hell of a lot of things in the past: salad, clouds, bovines...

Ryan Reynolds, not so much.

With a supporting cast like that though, I don't think the abs need to do any work.

ABS!

Posted by: zeke the pig at December 1, 2011 10:25 AM

I'm always willing to give a new Sci-Fi show a chance cause I love the genre so much so I'm gonna reserve judgement and be optimistic that this will be great.

Posted by: Glyn at December 1, 2011 11:15 AM

Looks like a decent spectacle, but I'll pass.

Posted by: kiz at December 1, 2011 11:28 AM

Someone else pointed out on this site or another that Edger Rice Burroughs wrote his pulp over 75 years ago, therefore though this film may seem derivative many other films, if they stick to the source material it will actually be displaying the source of the subsequent works.

Posted by: halesonearth at December 1, 2011 11:30 AM

if they stick to the source material it will actually be displaying the source of the subsequent works.

I don't deny that's true, but it still might hurt its chances at the box office to look so much like stuff that's come before.

Then again, I'm pretty baffled Avatar managed to make quite as much money as it did, and this is directed by a guy who knows how to tell a story, so yeah, hopefully I'm wrong.

Posted by: twig at December 1, 2011 11:36 AM

I think it looks stupid. There's my contribution for the day.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at December 1, 2011 11:58 AM

It's Conan the Barbarian...IN SPAAAAAAAACE!!!!

Well...on Mars anyway. Except that they shied away from the "of Mars" thing so if one were to go by the title, we'd have to think it was a really fucked up "ER" spin-off. Jeez, I guess that tour in the Congo must have really changed the man.

Did anyone else expect to see a young Jake Lloyd come tearing 'round the bend in a podracer too?

PS- What the hell...."Kashmir"? Really? Screw you, Jimmy Page!!! What, did you run out of 100-pound notes to wipe you ass with?

Posted by: bleujayone at December 1, 2011 12:30 PM

@bleujayone: I don't know who's going to get the royalties here: Page or Combs. That sounds more like the resampled Diddy version.

As for the movie: There's no way in hell I'm paying for it.

Posted by: FabMax at December 1, 2011 1:05 PM

Man them SyFy tv movies are upping their production value. Though the stories still look like complete and utter shite.

Posted by: googergieger at December 1, 2011 2:00 PM

MCNULTY!!!!

Posted by: Ja Ja Ja at December 1, 2011 3:44 PM

So I guess we've decided that Mark Strong is going to play every villain now?

Posted by: Protoguy at December 1, 2011 4:44 PM

Well if you know nothing about the books Burroughs wrote then this might be fun but I do so it looks like John Carter-lite. A watered down, family friendly, Disneyfied version.

Too bad a great movie could be made but it would have to be R-rated.

Posted by: logan at December 1, 2011 5:12 PM

Well, if Khal Drogo's abs couldn't save Conan from a swift death at the box office, I don't see how the fullback is supposed to do it for Barzoom. Then again, I seem to be one of the few people on the planet who actually enjoyed Conan, so what do I know.

Posted by: PDamian at December 1, 2011 11:13 PM

ya know I watched the Assylum version of the story the other day, Princess of Mars.

The aliens in that (Done with make up and prosthetics) look better then they do in this one.

Posted by: Ben at December 1, 2011 11:22 PM

Riggins is damn hot. Too bad he opens his mouth and these things come out... ya know, like words or something.

Posted by: Irina at December 5, 2011 10:54 AM