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John Carter of Mars Trailer: If Taylor Kitsch's Abs Could Talk, They'd Tell His Mouth to Shut Up

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (18)

taylor-kitsch-3.jpg

I love Tim Riggins. He’s fantastic. He’s fun for the whole family. In fact, last year during SXSW, Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate heard that he was filming in Austin and called me to tell me that I could put him on my Five Freebies list on her behalf. I don’t know how that would work exactly, but when it comes to Taylor Kitsch, these things can be worked out.

Unfortunately for Riggins, he’s not a very good actor. In fact, he might be kind of horrible. He can run his fingers through his hair better than anyone, and he does a nice Hollywood version of a Texas accent, which is strange since he’s from Canada. But ask anything of him beyond that, and hearing him speak makes your jaw hurt. That New Orleans’ accent he had as Gambit? Deplorable. The South African accent he sported in The Bang Bang Club, woah nelly (sorry, I didn’t mean to get 1940s on you). He is only allowed one voice-over line in the entire trailer for John Carter for Mars, and you already get the sense that Taylor Kitch might do a lot better with a voice double, someone else to deliver his lines while he flexes his pecs.

The actual trailer for John Carter of Mars is interesting, mostly in that I don’t know what the f*ck is going on. It’s about a guy who is inexplicably transported to Mars, where he has to protect the natives from … Martians? There are spaceships and people that ride horses. It looks like someone tried to cram way too many genres into one film, and asked poor pretty Kitsch to try and carry it.









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Comments

just like I said Disney will screw it up.

Posted by: logan at July 15, 2011 11:38 AM

Thank Cthulhu I'm at work, and cannot drink. This will require some strong medicine when I get home, though.

Posted by: The Wanderer at July 15, 2011 11:45 AM

I liked that I couldn't tell what was going on. It made a nice change from 'This is the hero....This is the bad guy...This is the plot...You can guess what the ending will be now...' trailers that we've been seeing for the last few years.

Loved the song choice too. Am intrigued enough.

Posted by: Carrie at July 15, 2011 11:48 AM

Also: There are spaceships and people that ride horses.

But we're ok with Cowboys and Aliens?

Posted by: Carrie at July 15, 2011 11:51 AM

Carrie
Also: There are spaceships and people that ride horses.

But we're ok with Cowboys and Aliens?

And Firefly

Posted by: cockroach at July 15, 2011 12:07 PM

Where the hell are the 4-armed Martians? How can this be Mars?

... !#*!ing Disney ...

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at July 15, 2011 12:25 PM

So good acting is only about having an accent? I could care less, honestly. He has a great deep, raspy voice and he emotes very well with it, despite stumbling on the accents. You need a good musical ear to do accents.

I agree that TK has ways to go in regards to honing his craft. His performances have been uneven (the directors are to blame here as well). But he has great moments and great promise in my opinion which is more than you can say about many other actors. And he can fill up a screen and command attention.

I liked him in the BBC movie, even though the movie itself was a failure due to the director and the shitty dialogue.

Posted by: siedhr at July 15, 2011 12:44 PM

so, this doesn't have anything to do with that John Carter from ER running away to Mars to escape his harpy of a wife? I might have seen that.

Posted by: DeckOfficer at July 15, 2011 1:00 PM

Wouldn't that be Falling Skies DeckOfficer?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 15, 2011 1:03 PM

Where the hell are the 4-armed Martians? How can this be Mars?

... !#*!ing Disney ...

They are there, just not for very long in the trailer
Here's a page with a load of screencaps

Link (new window)

Posted by: cockroach at July 15, 2011 1:13 PM

Damn!

Link (new window)

Posted by: cockroach at July 15, 2011 1:14 PM

The link's not obeying the new window command for whatever reason

Posted by: cockroach at July 15, 2011 1:16 PM

Also: There are spaceships and people that ride horses.

Shiny!

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 15, 2011 1:42 PM

Also: There are spaceships and people that ride horses.

That's because it takes place during the American Civil War...

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at July 15, 2011 2:25 PM

this is wat happens when Conan and Cowboys & Aliens do it in the heat of passion.

i like how they din bother waiting for Taylor to grow a real beard.

also, Lynn Collins brings me back to a time when i wanted to cut my own head off with something as shiny and fake looking as the claws on Wolverine (the Origins version of coz). u're still on parole for dat Lynn...even if it's not your fault...sori.

Posted by: haplo at July 15, 2011 5:38 PM

He's gonna be Tim Riggins forever and so I doubt I'll ever watch him in anything else.

Plus he gives a damn good interview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHacFRv0SRg

Posted by: grace b at July 15, 2011 9:05 PM

This is actually Pixar's first live-action film (made under Disney proper) and from a classic and beloved pulp novel. I have faith it will deliver. Though, based on the trailer, I hear your confusion.

Posted by: bbmcrae at July 17, 2011 9:41 AM

Ohhh this looks bad.

This looks Conan the Destroyer bad.

This looks Krull BAD.

This... oh I want to hope. I do. But this just doesn't look at all right.

Why oh why couldn't they have done it as a cartoon? It would WORK as a cartoon. But this?

This looks very, very bad. Not at all as my brain painted images of Burroughs' words.

Posted by: Uncommoner at July 19, 2011 2:29 AM