It's Time To Play F*ck, Marry, Falcon Punch With The Trailers For 'Star Trek Into Darkness', 'The Lone Ranger', And 'The Great Gatsby'.
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

It's Time To Play F*ck, Marry, Falcon Punch With The Trailers for Star Trek Into Darkness, The Lone Ranger, And The Great Gatsby.

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | April 18, 2013 | Comments ()


Star Trek Into Darkness

I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm betting this will be the clear victor in the Marry portion of our festivities. It's the kind of film you'd gladly take to meet the parents before rushing it home for some mind-blowing geekgasms. Later, when the thrill is gone, you can still glance fondly at Star Trek Into Darkness and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
parks and rec.gif

The Lone Ranger

Normally, I would choose Falcon Punch for The Lone Ranger based solely on Johnny Depp's Native American Dead Bird Hat. Wait just a minute, though. You may not want to get your punching fist out just yet. You might want to ensure you have some rubbers that can protect you from the funk Armie Hammer's mask is surely harboring.

The Great Gatsby


"Zombieland" Series Off to Inauspicious Launch | Stop Saying that Gwyneth Paltrow Is the Most Hated Celebrity on the Planet

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • e-money

    Marry Star Trek despite its lack of titular punctuation. (Some sins can be forgiven) Fuck Gatsby because COLORS that's why. (I'm sure it'll be shit but I like pretty colors and fancy dresses. WHAT OF IT). And Falcon Punch Johnny Depp, his hat and his shitty shitty stereotypical Native American accent. I think Mel Brooks was less ridiculous in Blazing Saddles.

  • AudioSuede

    Can't we just marry Star Trek and kill the other two without mercy?

    Because seriously.

  • AudioSuede

    And of course, for not reading the comments first, I'm, like, twelve steps behind most of you.

  • Buck Forty

    I interviewed Karl Urban once, when he was shooting LOTR. Super nice guy and I really got a sense he was destined for stardom.
    Such a shame that didn't happen - if only he wasn't so ugly...

  • logan

    Hey Johnny!
    Why. Do. Indians. Talk. Like. This?

  • yocean

    That Gatsby trailer is abominable but I still would rather fuck that and chock the dead-alive-living stupid daylight of Lone Ranger with a rancid stuffed crow.

  • MissAmynae

    Can I just play Fuck/Fuck/Marry with Into Darkness? (Urban/Pine/Cumberbatch)

  • Mythra Sun

    Seconded! Except it would be Fuck-Marry/Fuck-Marry/Fuckhard-Marry/BeBestFriendsWith (Urban/Pine/Cumberbatch/Quinto)

  • MissAmynae

    Beautiful. Just beautiful what you did there.

    Make it so.

  • Robert

    I would make sweet, sweet alien love to Star Trek since the series is very experienced in that.

    I would marry The Great Gatsby and live in anachronistic luxury, swilling bath tub gin and dancing like a maniac each night.

    I would Falcon Punch The Lone Ranger to guarantee my sanity. Johnny Depp is too crazy for me.

  • Ted Zancha

    Am I the only one that is cautiously optimistic about The Great Gatsby? Yeah, I'm not a fan of Baz Luhrmann. And Yeah, it probably will enrage me when I see it. But I'm still going to hold out hope. The cast looks great. As long as I don't have to see it in 3D, I'm good.

    Falcon Punch/Kill- Lone Ranger. Because of reasons. (Mostly, I am sick to death of Johnny Depp, and why the fuck is he playing a Native American!?!?!)

    Marry/Fuck-Star Trek. Also, because of...reasons.

  • couch and pants

    I want to at least hate f*ck The Great Gatsby. I don't know about cautiously optimistic, but it can't be off the list entirely.

  • Can I fuck/marry Bones, but he has to be dressed up as Eomer at least once a week?

  • Natallica

    As Eomer he gave me a James Hetfield "And Justice for All" era vibe. Considering Hetfield is one of my long time crushes, that was kind of a crushception

  • Sherry

    Only if you promise to share...

  • ^^^ FALCON PUNCH ^^^

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Did they "Batman" Cumberbatch's voice? Because he sounds like he's got some Bale stuck in his throat.

  • Also, Cumberbatch might be one of the ugliest human beings alive, but he's got a fantastic voice.

    I eagerly await the battle that will play in your hearts as you decide which whether to up or downvote this. FIGHT.

  • Charisma and intelligence cannot be contained by skin, bones and tissue. It's really pretty simple.

  • Now that's just ridiculous.

  • Mythra Sun

    You shut yo', mouth with that filth, missy! That's the man that I dream of Cumber'ing my Batch!

  • ZombieNurse

    I personally think he's only really attractive when he's playing Sherlock, and even then, I don't know WHY he's attractive.

  • Bedewcrock

    They fill in his eyebrows for Sherlock. IRL he and Tilda Swinton could be eyebrow cousins.

  • It's that scarf thing that he does.

  • Blurgh.

  • MissAmynae


  • DataAngel

    It's the voice. And the fact that he's acted himself a chin. Man's got no chin. Sherlock's got a chin.

  • Tinkerville

    WHOA you're so right. How does one do that?

  • DataAngel

    I DO NOT KNOW. But it fascinates me.

  • Natallica

    Can we all settle on fuck AND marry that Karl Urban picture up there?

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    Yes please!

  • Hyperion

    Things I love: Westerns, heroes, Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, the old Clayton Moore "Lone Ranger" TV series.

    Things I hate: Every second of the Lone Ranger movie that I've seen.

    So that gets my falcon punch.

    Gatsby looks silly. Star Trek looks too flarey and exessive, but sure, I'll fuck it.

  • BlackRabbit

    Is that what a Falcon Punch is? It's no fun if I don't know.

  • Robert
  • AudioSuede

    I want to play that SO BADLY right now.

  • BWeaves

    Marry Star Trek, or at least Cumberbatch.

    Kill Gatsby, because I'm over it and it hasn't even come out yet.

    Fuck The Lone Ranger, and not in a good way. I swear Johnny Depp looks the same in just about every movie he makes anymore. Too much eyeliner and long, greasy, stupid hair. And a stupid hat. I bet Native Americans are cringing at this trailer.


  • MauraFoley

    I'm so glad the top three comment threads on this post are imply we want to feel Karl Urban's boner as we grind on the dancefloor, ala "Too Close."

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'm going to Falconmarryfuckpunch the lot of them.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Think I'll just go watch Fight Club again instead.

  • toblerone

    F*ck and Marry Star Trek.

    Kill Falcon Punch Gatsby and Lone Ranger.

  • Fabius_Maximus


  • DataAngel

    This is really the only option.

  • $27019454

    All three. All three, baby, and all to that Fight Club snippet you got goin on up there.

blog comments powered by Disqus