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It's The Trailer Thunderdome!: Three Enter And You F***, Marry, or Falcon Punch?

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | April 24, 2013 | Comments ()


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The three contestants today are fairly different. This is going to be a tough choice.

We begin with the Japanese trailer for The Wolverine. We get a look at the plot, I think, and then I fell asleep.

I think that The Wolverine has a decent chance of being Marry this week. It's like I've got a deadline for marrying someone just so I can inherit millions of dollars left to me by a relative that thinks they're clever, so I settle for muscles and action.

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Next we have the Sofia Coppola written and directed The Bling Ring. Emma Watson plays one of the group of idiots that robbed such pinnacles of the Hollywood community as Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. Then the thieves got caught and we got this movie. I still think the thieves won.

I'm going to go ahead and F*ck this one. I believe this movie would let you do some pretty crazy things with it in bed. Then, in the morning, you won't even feel badly about kicking its vapid ass out so you can play Xbox and eat cereal.

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Finally, we have The Big Wedding, starring Robert De Niro, Susan Sarandon, Diane Keaton, Topher Grace, Amanda Seyfried (getting married, again), and Katherine Heigl. Gross. Keaton and De Niro are divorced but must pretend to be married for the sake of their adopted son's biological mother. Because lying your ass off to the woman that ditched her kid so you could raise him in order to impress her is SUPER IMPORTANT.

FALCON PUNCH!

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • googergieger

    So it's like The Birdcage. If they remade it, the way they actually wanted to remake it.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Again: Falconfuckmarrypunch them all.

  • lowercase_ryan

    When did we decide Sofia Coppola had no talent? I tend to think I at least owe her the benefit of the doubt.

  • opiejuankenopie

    Oh she has talent. She just uses it to make annoying films about people I hate.

  • Robert

    I would marry The Bling Ring because at least it has some intelligence involved.

    I'd fuck Wolverine until its brains come out. I'm a big fan of the revenge subgenre and this fucker had it coming after fucking me over with the first film. Dustin will declare his never-ending hate for me after seeing what I do to this film under the guise of social critique through exploitation tropes.

    As for generic romantic comedy, right off the edge of Final Destination with ya on sudden death mode.

  • poopnado

    Emma Watson is going to make this movie sink or sail with her weird accent. I'll probably enjoy it though. Probably cuz I'm totally bananas about celeb gossip.

  • TheEmpress

    If you've ever heard the real Alexis Neiers speak, it's pretty spot on. Though a whole movie's worth of that, and my ears will probably be bleeding. Still, I'd f**k that movie.

  • koko temur

    I'll marry bling ring because emma watson is in it and i have low standarts, kill the other two and fuck the game of thrones glam photoshoot posted earlier; dont tell me what to do!

  • BWeaves

    I don't understand why they have to lie to the biological mother. She doesn't speak English. Just don't talk to her.

  • toblerone

    None merit Marry or F*ck.

    Falcon Punch Sweep!

  • manting

    has topher grace ever been in anything good? Not to be a hater but besides Shia LeBeouf he has the doucheist name and "I want go punch you in the face" face in Hollywood.

  • Your Daddy

    Predators was badass, he played the unassuming doctor

  • manting

    he was the worst part of the movie and that's saying something. I was impressed that Brody got so diesel though.

  • Robert

    Well, he was good in Spider-Man 3 but the film was terrible. That's not his fault.

  • manting

    you are kidding right? He was terrible and also completely miscast - Eddie Brock is a big guy, in his thirties, and a superb athlete. Nothing like Topher Grace.

  • TheReinaG

    I don't think him being miscast was exactly his fault.

  • manting

    I think actors should know what roles they can play - topher grace as a super villain that eats brains?! His Venom had no menace, and I dont blame Rami for that. The studio had their hooks all in this picture and perhaps they forced Grace on Rami. As for the casting of the trilogy one of these things is not like the others - Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Alfred Molina, Willum DeFoe, and ta-da Topher Grace.

  • Robert

    And the new Spider-man is over a half foot too tall to be playing Spider-Man. So's Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. If you base it totally off the comics, they're both horribly miscast and therefore shouldn't have even bothered auditioning. Are you one of those people who freaked out that there was a black Norse God in Thor? Cause that's the level of ridiculous you're at right now.

    Are we going at the other cast members, too? James Franco looks nothing like his comic counterpart, therefore he shouldn't have auditioned. Alfred Molina is fatter than Doc Oc, therefore he shouldn't have auditioned. Willem Dafoe is much uglier than Norman Osborne, so he shouldn't have auditioned.

    And let's go outside comic books. Jennifer Lawrence is taller and more muscular than Katness Everdeen, so she should have never auditioned for the part. None of the Les Mis cast was actually French, so they were all idiots for auditioning since that's not their type. Seth MacFarlane isn't a talking bear in real life, so he shouldn't have voice Ted.

    Your argument as to why Topher Grace was bad in a movie is actually "you hate Topher Grace," but instead of admitting that, you whipped up one of the most idiotic arguments I've heard in a long time.

  • manting

    Wow - I didnt know I was speaking to the head of the Topher Grace fan club. Yes many charcters cast are not physically identical to their comic counterparts
    (or literary or real life), however they are intended to play the characer. Hugh Jackman is tall for wolverine but he captures the character. Willum Defoe can play menacing, his green goblin was pretty good. Topher Grace cant play menacing. So he looked nothing like Eddie Brock AND he couldnt capture the character. When you combine the two it makes for suck acting.
    I mentioned all the other character because they are all accomplished and respected in their art form. All of them have played diverse roles succesfully and to acclaim. Topher has not. Way to miss the obvious point.

    Did you enjoy his performance as Venom? Did you like the movie? I (like most other rational human beings) did not like it. It was, BY FAR, the worst of the three movies.
    heard in a long time.

  • James Sheehy

    He should return to tv. It's his natural habitat. He's his generation's Matthew Perry.

  • Batesian

    Cameo in Ocean's 11. And In Good Company was decent.

    (Grace certainly has talent, and I think there are far more punchable faces. But dude does not seem to be good about picking decent projects.)

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