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It's That Time Again! Time To F*ck, Marry, or Falcon Punch Some Trailers!

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | May 17, 2013 | Comments ()


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Just like she said, it just keeps getting harder. This week's contestants on F*ck, Marry, or Falcon Punch are squirrelier than a couple of Phoenix bakery proprietors. This choice will be more difficult than picking your favorite "Arrested Development" quote from those that only relate to expensive suits. BEHOLD, YOUR TRAILERS:

First up today, we have DIsney's Planes. The kid-friendly sequel will be released n August 9th, yet they chose to give us this trailer without any dialogue. Is it because the dialogue is unfinished or because they would like us to forget that Dane Cook voices the lead plane, Dusty Crophopper? If you are wondering, the beautiful lady in the header is Priyanka Chopra, voice of Ishani in the movie.

I got really bored watching this trailer. That alone kicks it out of the F*ck running for me. I suppose I'll have to Marry this one and maybe keep some other Pixar flick on the side.

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Next up is Last Vegas, starring Robert De Niro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline. When Billy (Douglas) informs his long-time pals that he is getting married, they all take off for a four-day weekend in Las Vegas. It's like The Hangover except sponsored by Viagra and fanny packs.

This one might be the best of the three, but it doesn't seem like marriage material. I'm going to F*ck this one, friends. I'm going to get it all hepped up on Red Bull and vodka, make sure all false teeth are properly secured its mouth, and go at the old man balls.

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Last and least is v/h/s 2. The first v/h/s was a steaming pile when it could have been something really amazing and innovative. Instead we got lots of boobs, plots that revolved around showing some boobs, and then gore. Also, boobs. The sequel hits On Demand June 6th and theaters July 12th.

This trailer is super, amazing, totally NSFW Red Band. It also gives away lots and lots of things that would have been nice scares.

FALCON PUNCH!

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • matt

    I think I would fuck V/H/S because it looked like it would do weird freaky things in bed and that's always fun. Falcon Punch the Vegas one until my fist and it's face looked like they went through a meat grinder and marry but eventually kill planes for insurance money.

  • BWeaves

    VHS? Does the target audience even know what VHS is?

    As a weaver, my weaving guild does demos at schools. To show recycling, we've been using old cassette tapes instead of yarn. The kids have no idea what it is or where it comes from.

  • James

    The only good part of the first VHS was the last segment with the haunted house. The others were just shitty but the last one was genuinely creepy and well done.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Agreed!

  • $2786243

    LOL at KStew's dead-eyed bride at her 'dream wedding.'

  • Drake

    OK, so that Planes trailer got me thinking. I saw a few man-made landscapes there. So I guess that Cars and Planes are actually set in the not too distant future, when Google's self-driving cars have progressed to the logical end, and all major machines have become self-aware, and keep only a small remnant of the human race as slaves to help in their upkeep. It all makes sense now!

  • Drake

    Also, I'm going to share this theory with my step-kids so that maybe I can avoid having to take them to see Planes.

  • Priyanka Chopra gives good header

  • Jerce

    Can't I just murder all three of them with a shovel, pack their dismembered remains in Hefty bags and bury them in a shallow grave near a Superfund site?

    ...'Cause I really want to.

  • Rochelle

    I will be forced to watch planes, because 6 yr old nephew. But I'm taking my my iPod, headphones, and playing soaring music during the entire movie. My own soundtrack will make this marriage bearable.

  • Robert

    You're playing hard ball this time. I guess I have to marry Planes because a loveless marriage is preferable to a violent one. I'll do the walk of shame for Last Vegas on the merit of Morgan Freeman's impeccable line-reading in that terrible Red Bull and Vodka monologue. And I will falcon punch the VHS sequel so hard it'll land on someone's XBox home screen. No means no, super-rapey indie horror anthology series.

  • my frіеոd's m○m mаκеs $77/һ○υr ○ո tһе іոtеrոеt. Sһе һаs bееո υոеmрl○yеd f○r tеո m○ոtһs bυt  lаst m○ոtһ һеr раyсһесκ wаs $16834 jυst w○rκіոg ○ո tһе іոtеrոеt  f○r а fеw һ○υrs. һеrе's tһе  sіtе t○ rеаd m○rе, ..Fox83.com

  • DeistBrawler

    Do you have the same job? I mean...if your friends mom does it shouldn't you? I feel like it's wrong that you're pimping out a job that you won't even do.

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