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Wherein I Combine Minotaurs, The Civil War, The Magna Carta, Tom Hardy, and Tony Todd All In One Post

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (23)

Ironclad+Movie+Poster.jpg

At first I was like, “Aw, fucking sweet! They made a movie about ironclad warships during the civil war! And Paul Giamatti must be playing Admiral Goldsborough or something.”

And then I watched read the (way too long) synopsis:

IRONCLAD recounts one of the most violent, pivotal moments in English medieval history - when a few good men fought against insurmountable odds to defend their country from a megalomaniac, blood-drunk king. Torn from the pages of history, the devastating battle for the castle of Rochester is a true story of honour, action and excitement. There will be blood.
The year is 1215. King John (Paul Giamatti) has been forced to sign the Magna Carta, a document that will ensure the freedom of men and form the basis of common law in England. Furious at having been forced to sign it, King John raises a vicious mercenary army and begins a rampage across the country to regain total power. But as the King’s army is on the brink of reaching London and taking back control of the country, one last castle stands between him and inevitable victory: Rochester.
Gathered together by Baron Albany (Brian Cox), a small band of rebel warriors gather inside Rochester intent on holding off King John until reinforcements arrive: a Templar Knight (James Purefoy) whose soul is wracked with guilt over the atrocities he has committed during the crusades and his burgeoning feelings for Isabel (Kate Mara), the beautiful lady of the castle and lonely wife of the aging Reginald de Cornhill (Derek Jacobi); battle-hardened mercenaries such as Beckett (Jason Flemying), who fight not for God and country, but for money and bloodlust; and young soldiers like Guy (Aneurin Barnard), who’ll taste blood and battle for the first time - and perhaps the last.

Oh.

OK, that’s a little different then, isn’t it. But still, Paul Giamatti, Brian Cox, Jason Flemying, and Derek Jacobi? Damn. Kate Mara, eh, whatever. And James Purefoy… don’t think I’ve forgotten about Solomon Kane, James. Because I have not. Nor have I forgiven you for it. But still, intriguing. So then I watched the trailer:

Oh.

So that was… a little bit much, eh? The rock soundtrack was kind of goofy, and Kate Mara still is very pretty, and very wooden. Giamatti is in snarling crazypants mode, which is fun. I dunno. It looks entertaining, perhaps, but I don’t know if it looks good.

FUN FACT TIME! It’s directed by Jonathan English. One of his few other credits is the Sci Fi Channel original movie (uh oh) Minotaur, which came out in 2006 and starred — I shit you not — Tom Hardy, Tony Todd, and Rutger Hauer. I mean, is that fucked up or is that fucked up?

minotaur-movie-poster-1020448519.jpg

Whee!









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Comments

I love Brian Cox and crazypants Giamatti, but Purefoy is one of the most boring actors around.

However, I did see Minotaur, before I knew the true hotness of Tom Hardy, and that was boring too, despite the crap effects and Tony Todd.

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 2, 2011 10:38 AM

Eh, I'll still see it. Purefoy's been shower nozzle masturbation material for me since Rome.

Posted by: jp at February 2, 2011 10:39 AM

How did we all miss Minotaur? Whose fault is it? WHOSE??? I WANT NAMES!!!

Posted by: Fredo at February 2, 2011 10:58 AM

That synopsis is hilarious. It reads like it was written by a semichallenged student in a sophomore world history class.

Posted by: , at February 2, 2011 11:12 AM

Fuck and yes. I'll see it just for the promise of seeing some heads cloven in twain. Noble Rebellious Cox (my next band name), and Crazypants Giamatti are gravy on the mutton.

Posted by: Groundloop at February 2, 2011 11:22 AM

I was half expecting the Ironclad trailer to be a parody but with that cast I'll see it regardless. It does look FUN!

And I agree, not even the hotness that is Hardy could save Minotaur

Posted by: weetiger3 at February 2, 2011 11:22 AM

I’m sorry, I know it’s banned, but ‘moist’ has nothing on ‘Purefoy’ in the ‘I throw up a little bit in my mouth everytime I say it’ stakes.

Don’t think I’ve ever even seen him in anything – in fact I haven’t because I’d remember seeing it in the credits, and especially the resulting taste in my mouth – but Jeebus what an ugly fucking name.

Change it, you dumb cockpunch.

Purefar.
Pourfey.
Purfay.
Pourfur.

Anything but Purefoy. Pure. Foy. What the hell is that?!

I need water.


Posted by: zeke the pig at February 2, 2011 11:29 AM

Hmm! Zulu comes to Medieval England?

Still, Purefoy in chain mail and brandishing a sword. Can a girl ask for much more?

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 2, 2011 11:32 AM

Sigh!

Piggy Zeke, it's a Norman name derived from the French "pour foi" or "for faith".
It's quite beautiful.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 2, 2011 11:35 AM

Well, that totally sounds like something I would read but I don't think the accompanying images in my head quite look like the trailer. Still, Paul Giamatti and Brian Cox...and it looks like Giamatti is gorging on the scenery, there. I'm in.

Posted by: leuce7 at February 2, 2011 11:37 AM

I read Tom Hardy, and my uterus literally jumped. I didn't even know that was possible.

But then there was NO TOM HARDY in the trailer. Now I have ladyblueballs and will be forced to watch scenes from Wuthering Heights on Netflix Instant before I am able to go about my day.

Posted by: AM at February 2, 2011 11:47 AM

Hmm, a period drama set during one of those interminable bits of history when no one really knew who was fighting whom without a program. As I recall, the Pope and some of the barons asked the King of France to take over England, John had his back to the wall until he made concessions to the Pope and the barons, whereupon France was invited to leave. Of course, France said "Yah boo! Sucks!" and made an issue of it.

I always thought Johnny had a bad rap.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 2, 2011 12:06 PM

John was the youngest in a damn pit of vipers. Although I love me some Eleanor of Aquitaine. But coming after his dad and all those brothers? His whole reign was reactionary.

Posted by: leuce7 at February 2, 2011 12:20 PM

I agree, but you had to be a viper back then.

I think he had to be reactionary when faced with the open revolt of the barons. They forced him to sign Magna Carta, and he spent the rest of the reign trying to get out from under it as it diminished his authority.

His grandson Edward I managed to cow the barons sufficiently to allow for such things as the creation of Parliament. Eddie was nicknamed The Leopard, but wasn't exactly known for a feline touch.

Hmm. A period drama covering the Pornocracy might be a lot of fun - they'd have to put it on HBO, though.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 2, 2011 12:50 PM

Listen, despite its extensive limitations, let's hear it for the Magna Carta without which you'd have a bunch of in-bred idiots running Britain.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 2, 2011 12:52 PM

That trailer was incredibly dull. If it wasn't for Brian Cox I probably wouldn't see this.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 2, 2011 2:12 PM

Gawd! I am well-versed in the made-for-SciFi oeuvre, and yet I'm completely gobsmacked by this Minotaur. Tom Hardy, Rutger Hauer AND Tony Todd? HOW DID I MISS THIS??

Point of order: in your list up there, you mention "The Civil War", which, when accompanied by a capitalized The and used by an American, generally implies the American Civil War of the 19th century. I believe here you might be referring to some sort of British civil war in the 11th century or something.

Posted by: MM at February 2, 2011 2:17 PM

I'm completely gobsmacked by this Minotaur. Tom Hardy, Rutger Hauer AND Tony Todd? HOW DID I MISS THIS??

I watched the whole thing. Because Tom Hardy. And Oh Sweet Merciful Suffering Jesus, was it awful. Just unrelentingly, suicide-inducingly awful.

I'm telling you, Tom Hardy or no Tom Hardy, STAY AWAY. AWAAAAAAAAAAY.

Posted by: Jerce at February 2, 2011 7:07 PM

Listen, despite its extensive limitations, let's hear it for the Magna Carta without which you'd have a bunch of in-bred idiots running Britain.

Yeah, because it isn't as if Britain's being run by a gaggle of upper-class twits, eh? ... Eh?

Posted by: Al Harron at February 2, 2011 8:28 PM

heads cloven in twain

Posted by: Groundloop at February 2, 2011 11:22 AM

Well there's your band name right there.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at February 2, 2011 10:04 PM

Sigh!

Piggy Zeke, it's a Norman name derived from the French "pour foi" or "for faith".
It's quite beautiful.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 2, 2011 11:35 AM

-------

Well, thank you for the exasperated elucidation...

But...just change one letter...just one...


Posted by: zeke the pig at February 3, 2011 4:26 AM

James Purefoy was in ROME!

I can forgive him his sins, just like I can forgive Kevin McKidd and Ray Stevenson for any misteps their agents may have led them on.

Posted by: Murderbot at February 3, 2011 9:06 AM

@Uriah Creep

Thanks for the suggestion, but that sounds more like an album or song title. I'll bring it up at the next band meeting.

Hopefully, everyone will arrive having eaten.

Posted by: Groundloop at February 3, 2011 9:32 AM