The lovely Ashley Scott Meyers, who sent us her film Man Overboard to review, wrote me a very polite email after the pounding I gave her project. It was upbeat, mildly self-deprecating, and hopeful. She will do well in this industry.
And while I had my issues with the film, it certainly wasn’t the worst thing that I’ve ever seen in the arthouse world. Most of the time, I shudder in horror at the digicam nightmares that pass as independent films.
And with that, I present to you the trailer for Irene in Time, which contains possibly every single solitary generic tenet I find offensive about independent film. See if you can pick them out. It’s like a Where’s Waldo for shitty cliches.
I’ve been training you kids for this, so you better not miss any, or else I’m seriously going to review all the Air Bud films.
Oh, for heaven's sake it's a Henry Jaglom film. All of his films are self-indulgent, awkwardly acted, and sentimental--yet I always enjoy watching them, there is always a kind of beautiful awkward truth to what he creates.. He's been directing for years, haven't you heard of "Eating" or "Someone to Love" or "Last Summer in the Hamptons"?
6. The cliche line: "Ever since I....weird, magical...things happening."
7. Big family secret revealed to horrifically bad music.
8. Inappropriately odd father/daughter relationship that causes skeevy feeling in viewer.
9. Sailboat
10. Unknown "star"
Posted by: Cindy at June 19, 2009 11:17 AM
That's a spoof, right? C'mon! "Time never kills the love of your life"? No one could be expected to take that seriously, right?
Really? Oh God...
As for cliches:
--we've got the classic stroll on the beach (why do all these people seem to live near the ocean?)
--the girls with daddy issues who whine about them constantly and blame them for their inability to trust other men
--whimsy! in the form of scavenger hunts, balloons and shiny spinning lights (to show the guy has an appreciation for the little things in life)
--a spa day with the girls wearing white fluffy robes and having Meaningful Conversations
And overall we've got bad acting, bad direction (why is that chick always looking UP at people to talk?) and a truly awful song like tiny little talons clawing at my eardrums, tunneling towards my brain.
Posted by: DeadBessie at June 19, 2009 11:25 AM
I forgot the sentimental grainy home video footage, which, given that the chick looks all of 23, makes no sense. Is there a time warp involved somewhere? I've got footage of my grandparents from 30 years ago that looks better than that.
Posted by: DeadBessie at June 19, 2009 11:31 AM
Every time she stabbed those balloons, I felt like she was stabbing my eyes out.
And I welcomed it.
Posted by: mswas at June 19, 2009 11:47 AM
Prisco: "It’s like a Where’s Waldo for shitty cliches."
Ha! Looks like I'm not the only one who totally wants to play! Fuck the SNL video trivial pursuit game. I want to play: bad independent film, where's waldo edition. Followed by, how not to make a horror film, misogony edition.
Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 19, 2009 11:56 AM
I scrolled to the bottom to leave a comment right away without seeing what others have written because....Holy Fuck! That is tremendously awful!
I thought it was a joke when the first line out of her mouth is about her daddy.
So bad.
Posted by: Kelly Booth at June 19, 2009 12:20 PM
That was so bad. Like high-school-film-student bad. Oof.
Posted by: Rachel at June 19, 2009 12:28 PM
There's probably a reason she feels like an ugly 8th-grader. And I'm sorry, it's creepy for people past the age of 10 to call their fathers "Daddy." That was just...ugh. So bad I want to stick my finger in my eye and swirl it around in my brain.
Posted by: Geetch at June 19, 2009 1:45 PM
I couldn't stop laughing throughout. Is that ACTUALLY a film? Christ, for the rest of the day I'm going to have that atrocious song stuck in my head.
Posted by: eat my shorts at June 19, 2009 3:01 PM
Ack! That IS terrible. Why does seemingly every shot feature a zoom or a pan or some other camera movement? Is the director trying to distract us from something (like the really bad acting)?
Posted by: Another Jen at June 19, 2009 5:52 PM
Oh my fucking god!
(jabs scissors in eyes)
Make it stop!
Posted by: chidingo at June 19, 2009 5:59 PM
I was on the side of the 'dates'.
Posted by: replica at June 19, 2009 7:14 PM
i second replica's comment. hell, *I* wanted to go out with her -just once- to make her that much more suicidal. oh the trauma i could inflict on such a sweet ginger soul.
Posted by: gp at June 19, 2009 8:04 PM
Hey, at least it's not "Eric Roberts, candy thief". It's damn close tho.
Posted by: Irina at June 20, 2009 3:31 PM
Could not finish that trailer, and I've sat through my fair share of stinker. Oy! Just because you have a low budget does not mean you have this adorably cute big fat Greek wedding type movie. I'm a teenager and I could make a better movie than this crappy excuse of a film.
And I'll have you know if anyone does odd and quirky female lead with a precision, it'll have to be Miranda July. This woman is not even close!
Is it just me, or does she kinda look like a female version of Carrot Top... I'm not trying to be mean... I'm just saying the balloons didn't help
Posted by: snoogus at June 20, 2009 10:43 PM
It's amazing how incredibly off the mark are those reviews based on the trailers, from people who haven't seen the movie! Yes, you might find the movie to be better than its trailer! Even a lot better.
Posted by: jim at July 3, 2009 12:11 PM
Yes, by its very nature, a trailer attempts to compress a 2 hour movie into a 2 minute ad to evoke interest, and trailers for indies are almost always made as if they would be for more mainstream films, so the trailer loses the indie "edge" that makes the films themselves worthwhile.
The absolute highlight of the trailer for me was the line about "You make me feel like a really ugly 8th grader" - THAT'S the sort of honest, real-person emotion that we get from independent films that the majors avoid, or delegate to the cutting room floor.
I have seen the movie itself, and it tells a real person's real story in a convincing and engaging way. It IS largely dialog, and watching the movie is a lot like reading a book.
Indie movies are not for everyone. This movie is not for everyone, and doesn't try to be.
If your top 10 favorite movies mostly have aliens, chainsaw murderers, car chases, lots of exposed breasts, explosions, huge plot twists (where the dead guy doesn't realize HE is the dead one until the climax near the end), well... lots of other films will be more than willing to take your 8 dollars.
If you liked "The Jane Austin Book Club" you will probably like this film.
If you haven't read a fiction book for pleasure in the past year, then do yourself a favor and go see "Year One" or the Transformers sequel, or even "I Love You, Beth Cooper" and you can just sit there and be entertained and not have to think or feel anything yourself.
Uh, what? That looks so, so, stupid. I don't know about cliches, but I do know about awful, and this movie is it.