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If Russia Got Cooler, It Would Be Fictional

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (26)



Soviet-mudkip.jpg

Russia is like that insane kid from college who rarely showed up to class, drank more than the entire football team, smelled just a little funny but always aced engineering lab when he bothered to show up and was best known for making occasional pronouncements that made absolute and utter sense so long as your moral compass was a Möbius strip. Oil flooding into the ocean? “Just nuke it,” is Russia’s awesome response, topped only by the next paraphrased sentence: “we’ve done it five times, works like a charm.”

Russia’s movie industry is sort of like Bollywood or the porn industry. If there’s a successful film, there will be a knock off in short order in all three of those markets. Together they are an unstoppable trifecta of mimeograph movie-making. Bollywood’s been late to the Twilight rip off, but there are several lampoons of it already from the porn industry (now there’s fertile territory for some real time reviews). And Russia is now in the game with Devil’s Flower. The trailer is below and seems to be wholly cribbed from a very lonely teenager’s doodles. There are rumors that actual plot exists, but they’re unconfirmed as of this writing.

Ok this looks like a spin off of “Passions,” but here’s where it gets positively Russian. This film was almost finished filming when the last few years dropped the world’s collective metaphorical piggy bank into a river. The investors behind Devil’s Flower ran out of money and stuffed what little they had left into their mattresses. Production was put on hold and then a bit later a little film called Twilight came out and demonstrated the design for a machine that could actually turn teenage stupidity into raw money. Devil’s Flower found a bit more funding and managed to finish filming. Then they proceeded to edit it to look exactly like Twilight in every imaginable way, including the poster:

devils-flower-small.jpg

But that wasn’t enough … they hired the voice actors who did the Russian language dub of Twilight for its Russian release and redubbed their voices over the entire film. Yes, they hired different actors to talk over the voices of the actors in the actual film, just so that they would not only look and act like the characters from Twilight but sound exactly like them to Russian audiences.

That’s some Pinky and the Brain level nefariousness right there.

(source: Film Drunk)









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Comments

...*Squee* And since someone is going to have to say it...

So I herd u liek mudkipz?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 13, 2010 10:20 AM

It doesn't happen often, but I'm virtually speechless.

... Devil's flower is a very ugly insect (the filmmakers have a sense of humour, I'll give them this much).

... Is there a castle in the background?

Posted by: SB at May 13, 2010 10:23 AM

Yes.

In Soviet Russia...vampires live in castle.

Posted by: Ian at May 13, 2010 10:30 AM

Ok, so I went and googled it, and I am quite scandalised. NONE OF THE CHARACTERS SPARKLE!!!

Posted by: SB at May 13, 2010 10:43 AM

In Soviet Russia, vampires do not sparkling.

I must break you.

Posted by: Ivan Drago at May 13, 2010 10:52 AM

now there’s fertile territory for some real time reviews
Dibs! I call dibs! You heard me! Shotgun? Do we play shotgun? I call that too.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 13, 2010 11:01 AM

Eh...
the dudes are hotter than robert pattinson and sharkboy and the vampires don't sparkle.

Sounds like an upgrade to me.

Posted by: kooling123 at May 13, 2010 11:12 AM

"So you had a dream...and then you found a magic book..."

What comes next in that conversation? How could anyone be incredulous about anything if you're already accepting the existence of a magic book that perfectly mirrors something you saw in a dream?

Posted by: Lindsay at May 13, 2010 11:31 AM

Someone needs to Eastern Promises these bitches.

Posted by: admin at May 13, 2010 12:08 PM

Yeah, looks like an upgrade over Twilight to me.

Posted by: Slash at May 13, 2010 12:14 PM

And I turned down this role :( What a mistake.

Segment One demands that SyFy air this at its earliest convenience. But with Debbie Gibson dubbing the leading lady.

Posted by: Human Centipede - Segment Two at May 13, 2010 12:17 PM

Don’t take this for gospel (my Russian is not as good as I wish it were) BUT. Here’s the synopsis from Film.ru

NB: the bits in [square brackets] have been inferred by yours truly using common sense and ample experience with crap cinema as substitute for better command of the Russian language.

A college student Polina dreams of a magic flower growing at a castle gate. She relates the said dream to a female friend who happens to be a [witch] then [while smoking pot in a broom closet adjacent to the library] they find an old book featuring a picture of the aforementioned flower. There are six empty pages in the book [the book is 1902 Gardening Almanac, the six empty pages are at the back of the book ... and it says “Gardener’s Notes” at the top of each of these pages].

Polina meets a love interest named Sasha at a polo match [because polo is the most popular pastime of all college students in Russia]. Sasha is [the captain] of his polo team. [They find a meadow behind the stables to roll around in, as seen in the movie trailer]. Polina dreams again – this time of a strange bloke on a horse. [He lives in the castle from the movie poster]. Strange images [and text] mysteriously appear on the empty pages of the book... they depict [weird] events, which begin to happen in real life [to Polina and her friend even when they are not stoned]. [I might have missed something but apparently now the little tramp has the hots for the horseman from the second dream]. Sasha faces a [deadly battle] against the powers of evil to save his love.


*sigh*

Posted by: SB at May 13, 2010 1:26 PM

Guys, it's not that the vampires don't sparkle. It's just that there isn't any sun in Soviet Russia. It's a non-issue.

Posted by: esme at May 13, 2010 1:41 PM

P.S. [He wins. The other bloke turns into a bat and flies away but comes back a year later in a sequel Devil's Flower Saga: New Freesia].

@ esme: It is a massive issue: the lack of sparkles per se would not be but as we all know vampires don’t JUST sparkle – they sparkle *with sound effects*. Absence of sunlight in Soviet Russia renders visually impaired viewers unable to tell when a vampire has arrived on the scene and thus diminishes their enjoyment of the movie. It is discriminatory. I shall not stand for it.

Posted by: SB at May 13, 2010 2:20 PM

P.S. [He wins. The other bloke turns into a bat and flies away but comes back a year later in a sequel Devil's Flower Saga: New Freesia].

Guh? You're fucking with us, right?

RIGHT???

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at May 13, 2010 2:34 PM

@The Other Agent Johnson.

Right. But one must have realistic expectations about life. I once read an article on how unrealistic expectations are among the leading causes for stress, anxiety, and depression. That and shite movies.

Posted by: SB at May 13, 2010 2:52 PM

I love you so much, Mother Russia. Please don't ever change. Between this and the Night/Daywatch stuff (and Putin kissing tigers after he tranquilizes them), you are just so much better at everything than America is.

Posted by: Fi at May 13, 2010 3:38 PM

I swear, toward the end of the trailer, it sounds like she says "Cock magnet."

Posted by: peachfish at May 13, 2010 4:17 PM

Peachfish!! I heard that too!

Posted by: Nadine at May 13, 2010 4:22 PM

Also, I fucking love Russia.
I love it.
I want to learn Russian so bad and people keep being all 'bitch you'll never learn Russian, it's a different alphabet, all cyrillic and shit, you cant learn that!'
and I'm all 'shut up cocksuckers I can too learn me some Russian and I will straight fucking murder all of you if you get in my way'
and they get all 'whoah dude, calm down, i was just trying to keep you grounde'
and I get all 'Shut the fuck up you dipshit. I know where you live. I know where you SLEEP. I will come to your house in the night and eat your children'
and they get all 'What the HELL dude?!'
and I get all 'Do I look like I'm kidding? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING' and then I grab my axe.
And then they back off and I go back to my learnin

Posted by: Nadine at May 13, 2010 4:33 PM

OH, Nadine, you ROCK my SOXES, girl. You keep on learning that cyrillic shit.

As for this, um, YES, please. I would totally like to see this. I think I love the Russians. Maybe I'll learn too, Nadine! They we can make fun of all those bastards that tried to keep us down, and they won't even have ANY IDEA what we're saying, and we'll laugh and laugh! In Russian!

Also, this dude has worse hair than RPattz. What up with that?!

Posted by: Anna von Beaversmack at May 13, 2010 5:55 PM

Yes, she's a cock magnet. Whether she's a plus or a minus is completely dependent upon if she's less of a klutz than Bella.

Posted by: Four Eyes at May 13, 2010 8:09 PM

Wait, so no Pokemon?

*hangs head and kicks own butt out the door*

Posted by: seraf at May 13, 2010 11:28 PM

BAHAHAHA. Twilight + Ninth Gate = Slightly Better Twilight. That whole exchange after the title was great. "Cockmagnet?" "Yes" "But am I plus or minus?" They really... don't teach kids how magnets work in Russia?

Also, when they bring this to America, the Twilight actors need to do the voiceover! That will complete the cycle, opening the gate into Cinematic Hell.

Posted by: Franzibald at May 17, 2010 6:18 AM

Just you wait!!! We 'll take the matter about plagiarism into court and sew twilight! That will be the climax))) and yes, WE TEACH KIDS HOW MAGNETS WORK!!!!

Posted by: sashka at September 10, 2010 2:50 PM

Eh....accually i'm from russia
and it's really cool If Russians made a good movie.
wanna see it.

sorry for my "good" english...

Posted by: Mary at September 14, 2010 10:37 AM