scratd.jpg
Here’s Why All Our Kids Grow Up to Love Twilight

Because Their Brains are Turned Into Mush / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | March 27, 2009 | Comments (33)

A few days ago, we showed you the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are, which demonstrated — at least in trailer form — exactly how a children’s movie should be. It should produce a sense of wonder, it should trigger your imagination, and, well, it should have an Arcade Fire song in it. Here’s the trailer for the next Ice Age movie: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. This is exactly how not to make a trailer: Big-named voice talent, spectacle over substance, and enough computer animation to burn a hole in your retina. It also appears that, the one worthy character in the Ice Age franchise — Scrat — has been pushed beyond his scene-stealing roles and to the forefront of this flick.

Here it comes: 26 different kinds of stupid:



← Dexter in the Dark Book Review | Red vs. Blue →





Comments

So where does the blame for something like this get placed? Do we point right at Disney and say it is your fault thought you gave us the classic, Toys. I do not know if the origin of blame is discernable but continued acceptance of this tripe is reprehesible.

Posted by: richmac at March 27, 2009 10:00 AM

Plus the title's a misnomer as far as the actual plot goes (and just weirdly historically misleading to the uninformed) and Lou Rawls is being heartlessly abused.

Fuck off up the model village.

Posted by: Jay at March 27, 2009 10:01 AM

The Hierarchy of Computer Animation

Pixar

Dreamworks Animation

Blue Sky Animation

Sony Pictures Animation

Your Uncle Morty's Home Movies of you playing "Superman" in your underwear

Posted by: Mike R. at March 27, 2009 10:01 AM

"Toys" is no classic, but I think that was Fox.

Posted by: Jay at March 27, 2009 10:03 AM

Good morning Jay, I trust you slept well last night?

Posted by: Pookie at March 27, 2009 10:06 AM

They milked it for all it was worth and then took the extra step to liquify the dusty remains.
And Would DUSK of the Dinosaurs be so hard?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 27, 2009 10:08 AM

Scrat - e?

SCRAT- E?

You MOTHERFUCKERS? You take a male character and then feminize the name and then all of a sudden you've got a girlfriend or sister or LITTLE COUSIN for the spin off?

Who here remembers Muppet Babies? Who here had their childhood die a little with the introduction of Scooter's twin sister, Skeeter?

I just died again. AGAIN!

Posted by: Withnail at March 27, 2009 10:11 AM

I haven't even watched the second one yet. I liked the first one, because I am sappy. 'Diego!!'

Posted by: Carrie at March 27, 2009 10:12 AM

And do something about this Denis Leary. I'll watch Rescue Me if you do. C'mon, I'll even *sigh* be your friend.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 27, 2009 10:12 AM

Fuck off up the model village.

Thank you Jay, my sentiments exactly.

Posted by: twig at March 27, 2009 10:15 AM

One day, Ray Ramono will accidently fall into a vat of Theraflu and be revealed to sound like a young Michael Jackson. I can feel it.

Posted by: jM at March 27, 2009 10:21 AM

This trailer ends with Scrat yanking on a yak dick!! How in the hell is that supposed to be appropriate for kids?!?!

Posted by: AM at March 27, 2009 10:27 AM

The Ice Age movies are the animated equivalents of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, there was no way the first one should have been good (I said good not great.), especially with that prick Ray Romano in the lead, and just because it struck a nerve it warranted a franchise. And how the hell did the MPAA let that last scene into a kids flick?

At least the Shrek movies had a great film and a good sequel before they turned to shit. I'm telling you, these flicks are a waste of silicone chips.

Posted by: George at March 27, 2009 10:27 AM

Oh there ya go, there ya go. Givin Davy Jones shit again.

Posted by: Jay at March 27, 2009 10:37 AM

you think i'm stupid? i ain't watching that trailer!

Posted by: gp at March 27, 2009 10:44 AM

As terrible as these things are, they cannot compare with the sheer awfulness of Madagascar 2 or that wretched Barnyard movie with the bulls-who-sport-udders, both of which have actually spawned television shows. Fellow parents, save your money for the really excellent kiddie films (anything by Pixar, Tale of Desperaux, etc.) and just DVR PBS shows for the wee ones. Word Girl will save us all.

By the way, is Wild Things a KIDS movie? If so, wooo-hoo! I won't have to leave little pug with the mother-in-law to see it!

Posted by: idgiepug at March 27, 2009 10:44 AM

Zero interest, but thanks for wasting your time!

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 27, 2009 10:50 AM

Sorry idgiepug, but if you think you can avoid taking your kids to shitty movies, you're sorely mistaken. No parent can raise a kid without seeing at least one pile of shit for every masterpiece they take their kids to see. Hell, we can barely protect ourselves from seeing bad movies. Why would they be any different?

Besides, they deserve to head to a kids movie if they want to, even if you know it will be 46 kinds of awful. It's bad enough that they have to beg you to see PG-13 and R rated flicks, can you imagine if they have to beg for G and PG rated flicks? They'd hate you, and rebel by becoming buffoons who read Twilight and listen to The Jonas Brothers.

Posted by: George at March 27, 2009 10:56 AM

i recall watching some SERIOUSLY messed up, non-sensical 80's tv and movie crap growing up and we all turned out OK. our viewing choices seemed to all be created by pothead writers and coke-crazed tv execs.

i ask of you all: what substance is it fuels todays tv and movies???

Posted by: Bridget at March 27, 2009 10:57 AM

I know, George. How do you think I know about the atrociousness of Barnyard and Mada-f'ing-gascar? I found, though, that if we really build up excitement for the good movies (we've watched the trailer for Up about a gazillion times) we can distract the kid from asking to see the sucky ones. Of course, he's only 4, so this may get progressively harder as he gets older. Also, if he's always watching PBS, he won't see the ads for this dreck. See? Word Girl truly can save us all!

Posted by: idgiepug at March 27, 2009 11:44 AM

Fuck off up the model village.

And that, Jay, is why I heart you. I've been saying that to EVERYTHING this week, and no one has gotten it without explanation.

Posted by: lizzieborden at March 27, 2009 11:51 AM

Dustin, I can wait until lil Jiba get older and you have to see every wretched piece of animated filth that is shat onto a screen.

Do any of you have daughters? Have you ever been forced to sit through a Barbie Princess "Movie"? You have no idea what pain is.

Posted by: admin at March 27, 2009 12:22 PM

I...liked...this...

I even...laughed!

I knew that getting that body snatcher inserted was a bad idea...

Bad parasite, BAD!

Posted by: jpguy13 at March 27, 2009 12:49 PM

sweet jesus. if a steady diet of voltron and h.r. puff n' stuff didn't kill me then exposure to madagascar 2 won't harm my wee ones. besides, you need to smell poop occasionally so you know how beautiful the scent of the flower. if all they watch is pixar then they'll grow up believing in a world that produces goodness and quality. how screwed up would they be then?

Posted by: jimmy at March 27, 2009 1:40 PM

yes, jimmy, yes! exactly what i had in mind with the hr. puff 'n stuff.
ALSO, mr. bridget and i JUST had a conversation about what you mentioned, the "telling poop from a flower". mr. bridget has me knocked up with our first child and we were discussing whether we would take the child to see movies it begs to see. the conversation started while watching a commercial for "space buddies" which is a movie starring talking golden retrievers in space, part of a SERIES of golden retriever movies. (god save us). we had the same conclusion: in order for our yet-unborn child to have discerning, disdaining, and excellent taste, he must be exposed to a steady diet of "planet earth" dvd's at home, yet also allowed to experience the absolute shit hollywood and nick jr. have to offer.

Posted by: Bridget at March 27, 2009 2:09 PM

Monkey McGee will not be seeing this movie. I am the dictator of the household and I decree that she won't be watching anything with blatant dick jokes in it until she's at least in a double-digit age group. I also banned Barnyard, Antz, Ant Bully and surely some other horseshit. When she asks why, I reply "Mommy thinks this movie is terrible and you aren't watching it. And I'm the boss of you!"

Posted by: Dangle McGee at March 27, 2009 2:25 PM

i don't want to give the impression that i allow all of our culture's ignoble turds into my children's lives, however. when my oldest received a Bratz doll for her 6th, it disappeared that day. oh yes. and those humanoids were not invited back. oh no.

but i watched a lot of Tom and Jerry. and some smurfs. have you gone back and checked a whole episode of smurfs? it is Fuck-ed Up-ed. and until recently, i hadn't stuffed anybody into an ice chest and set them afloat.

the barnyard? is it stupid? without question. were the three stooges any better? absolutely not. yet i titter the titter of the happy when plank meets face. kids should be allowed the joy of laughing at stupid things.

Posted by: jimmy at March 27, 2009 3:29 PM

P.S.

congratulations Bridget. your world is about to get a lot more beautiful.

Posted by: jimmy at March 27, 2009 3:55 PM

I will be a great and powerful man. My very existence will be celebrated for the creative leap that I will bring to humanity, and I will command scores of followers across the globe.

When I am old and death is inevitable, I shall dedicate all my resources and the rest of my life to crushing the tasteless, the thoughtless, and all who reverse the progress of our collective cultural development. There will be no defense against me; you who I seek out shall be destroyed, your time on Earth a fading mirage. The Ice Age shall end and never come again.

Enjoy your time to live, ye petty, for I am coming.

Posted by: Lucas at March 27, 2009 10:14 PM

Anyone who gives my future daughter a Bratz doll WILL DIE. Shit, I don't have kids and I hate those fucking things.
Anyways, how the fuck did a dick joke make its way into a kids movie? Glad I'm not a parent yet, my kid would probably get the joke after all of the anatomy lessons I plan on teaching them and they'll be the loudest laughing kid in the theater.

Posted by: Quincy at March 27, 2009 10:50 PM

So are we ignoring the fact that sloths and mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers came after the dinosaurs, or has that ridonkulousness previously been pointed out? Forgive me, I've been away for a bit..

Posted by: Ciji at March 28, 2009 12:55 AM

"Talk to the trunk." Yup, I like me a flick with some culturally relevant slang. Smell you later.

Posted by: stryker1121 at March 28, 2009 2:20 AM

Ciji, the plot seems to involve a dinosaur population that somehow got frozen and escaped extinction and is now thawing out and scaring the hell out of these mammals.

So yeah, it's Ice Age: Return of the Dinosaurs.

Except they didn't call it that.

Posted by: Jay at March 28, 2009 11:57 AM





Video ads popping up after each page view? Try clearing your browser's cookies.