Tucker Max is a vile, scummy, abrasive thing that barely qualifies as human; I try not to spend too much time wondering whether those qualities were obstacles to his penning a best-seller or in fact the evils necessary to become successful in America. He’s a despicable, sexist, mean little pisser who had a blog about what it was like dude to just be like hip-deep in bush man and then that became a book about seriously dude no fatties because gash hounds need standards too dude bro man bro chief dude. He’s the worst kind of person there is. So of course, he got a movie deal.
His memoir, unrepentantly and “hilariously” titled I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, has been turned into a movie starring Matt Czurzchruzhchy and Jesse Bradford and what looks like $27 for set design, editing, and what have you. Watching the trailer makes you realize that there are some depths to which not even Dane Cook would sink; it is that bad, that shameful, that bracing, that depressing. The only upside to the fact that this heap of crap got made is that Freestyle Releasing is only bowing it on 450 theaters on Sept. 25, as if they know that no one will see this and they just want to get in and out as quick as possible before dumping the film to DVD and moving on.
I wonder how he'll spin such a paltry opening. Of course, someone else would have to tell me as whenever curiosity makes me go on his site something else makes me go off it.
Posted by: Midnight Monkey Madness at August 4, 2009 4:35 PM
Is that the guy who played Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls?
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 4, 2009 4:38 PM
I hate everything that's ever happened.
Posted by: TSF at August 4, 2009 4:43 PM
Goddamn it, Jesse Bradford.
God. Damn. It.
Posted by: duckandcover at August 4, 2009 4:48 PM
Is that the guy who played Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls?
Posted by: PaddyDog at August 4, 2009 4:38 PM
---------------
That was my first thought as well.
My second thought was: Who in the hell is Tucker Max?
Posted by: Forbiddendonut at August 4, 2009 4:48 PM
This is so weird; I figured you fuckers would luuurve Tucker Max.
Huh.
Posted by: Eep at August 4, 2009 4:49 PM
I loved the book "IHTSBIH" and the movie "the Hangover". This trailer reveals a piece of shit that is trying to be both and is in fact neither.
Posted by: laredo at August 4, 2009 4:56 PM
Isn't that the guy from 7th Heaven and October Road?
Nice career trajectory.
Posted by: grumpyoldman at August 4, 2009 4:57 PM
goddamn, I honestly thought this book was about a food and travel reporter who leeched a shitload of booze and trips off other people. what is this movie???? jesus. looks horrific.
I Hope They Serve Steaming Hot Piles of Sodomy to Tucker Max in Hell.
IHTSSHPOSTTMIH.
Posted by: admin at August 4, 2009 5:05 PM
Oh, Jesse Bradford, are you really that hard up for work? What a tragedy. Tucker Max is a syphilitic boil on the ass of humanity. I'd call him a woman-hating asshole, but that would be an insult to woman-hating assholes everywhere. Suffice to say that he is the lowest order of bottom feeding narcissistic scum-sucker that has ever had the gall to pollute this good Internet with his bathos of misogynistic dehumanization in the guise of entitlement.
Isn't that the guy from Bring It On? And wow, the only word to describe this movie is bag.
Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 4, 2009 5:08 PM
Suz, you took the very words out of my mouth.
Posted by: shinykate at August 4, 2009 5:14 PM
Wow. Even if this movie wasn't associated with Shitheap Max, it looks like a waste of goddam time. What a fucking douchebag. Hey, remember when that whiny friggin' author came and raised a goddam ruckus when he didn't like his book's review? Remember the good times that were had? Wouldn't it be a treat to have the mouthbreathing Human Dingleberry himself show up to call everybody that reads this site a bunch of "pussies" and "fags" and what have you? Wouldn't that be neat? Ah, to dream...
By the way, the trailer for Paper Heart looks like a goddam sequel to The Other Sister. It could be called The Other Sister, Part II: Tokyo Drift.
Posted by: Skitz at August 4, 2009 5:18 PM
Oh, Logan. No.
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 4, 2009 5:19 PM
Based on the comments about the trailer (don't wanna waste the time to watch it), I predict a huge hit. If being a giant douchebag was a deal breaker, no "reality" show on TV would survive past 6 episodes.
Americans love a douchebag.
Posted by: Slash at August 4, 2009 5:22 PM
By the way, was it just me or did the trailer seem to gloss over Tucker Max's trademark misogyny? Like, a LOT? It was almost as if they were trying to Barney Stinsonize him. Blurg, foul deceivers. Blurg!!!
Posted by: shinykate at August 4, 2009 5:22 PM
AUGH IT'S LOGAN! FIE! I thought he was dead. Augh I hated that little doucheyfaced douche. Damn you, Logan!
shinykate, yes, you're right in pointing that out. Except for his beginning comment about fat girls not being real people, the trailer mostly toned down that particular aspect.
Fwiw, JureF, this guy was around a loooong time before the Hangover. I'm sure the fact that the trailer looks like The Hangover is no accident, but if the movie is anything like Tucker Max's written material (which seems likely since he also did the screenplay), then the similarities will be very superficial.
Posted by: Eep at August 4, 2009 5:34 PM
GAHHH!! *stabs self in face*
Posted by: JenVegas at August 4, 2009 5:34 PM
I haven't read the book (or heard of it), but I bet there's a moment where someone throws a hissy fit at Logan saying something like, "We're too old for this!" and then he feels bad for a little but then he's good ol' Tucker Max again and everyone's so happy and accepting of open misogyny!
Also, I really hate the "We Know Guys" advertising going on. I'm more annoyed by that tagline than the ad-before-the-website aspect of it. Ugh, and the first time I saw it, it was that French maid thing from Hardee's. Hooray for Ad-Block.
Posted by: Maggie at August 4, 2009 5:39 PM
I've never even heard of the colostomy bag before, thanks Rubble44, but I already hate him for sticking his book with an awesome title, despite him being a waste of molecules. Fuck you, Tucker Max.
Posted by: George at August 4, 2009 5:44 PM
OKay, I had to watch that twice to make sure I wasn't missing anything:
Make fun of fat people.
Go to a strip club.
Lie about it.
Watch some strippers.
GF finds out and gets pissed.
Guy gets a black eye and then blames his agreeing to go on Jackass.
Jackass has nothing clever to say. Ever.
An arrest.
"REVOLUTION!"
Offensive comment.
Fin.
?
Bravo. I'm glad to see they handed the Hollywood studio system over to the Princes of Malibu.
*clap. clap. clap.
Posted by: VinciParc at August 4, 2009 5:50 PM
Jesse Bradford, you were in Bring it on! man. The original.
How could you disgrace your legacy thusly? For shame, Jesse Bradford. For shame
Posted by: NoDice at August 4, 2009 6:27 PM
Oh, Logan. No.
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 4, 2009 5:19 PM
I couldn't have said it any better myself.
Posted by: Squeeziee at August 4, 2009 6:32 PM
I want to kill myself.
Posted by: Sarz at August 4, 2009 7:06 PM
For a movie with "beer" in the title there is depressingly little actual beer in the trailer. But if there WERE lots of beer in the trailer I am absolutely certain it would be wretched beer. So it could have been worse.
Also, are they really strippers if they don't strip? Shouldn't that be a minimal requirement?
Questions like this keep me awake all day.
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 4, 2009 7:18 PM
Despite Mr.Max's alleged Rock Star like life in Miami and despite the fact that in the fall of 2007 I was hitting some club or another in Miami at least twice a week I have not ever had occasion to meet this individual. For which he and I should be thankful, because otherwise he might have taken one of my very favorite Steve Madden platforms to the face and it might have damaged my shoe.
I've seen pictures of the dude, he's barely even one night stand worthy from a completely shallow point of view. I don't know if hot girls in Miami are just dumber or if he's just a massive liar. Well, truthfully I think it's some combination of the two.
We may all hate this trailer and its shoddy production. Its typical Hollywood formula. Its ruination of our good boys. But there is one man out there who has been jacking off to it to the point of blistered palm and member. That man is Tucker Max and next he will possibly be shoving the money, made from this 'Astird' of a movie, up his arse.
And we're all going to have to watch him do it. Well maybe not me. Here's hoping the movie never ever reaches our shores.
You just know that this will be the next big sleeper hit. All the douchebags and frat boys will come out in droves and earn this shit heap a hundred million. Because that's the way the shit goes round. Fucking shitty shit.
Posted by: katy at August 4, 2009 8:10 PM
I don't know if hot girls in Miami are just dumber or if he's just a massive liar.
Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at August 4, 2009 7:42 PM
---
Oh, sure, women SAY they want honesty in a man ... but maybe "Your face looks like it was on fire and somebody put it out with a track shoe" is just a little too honest?
I can't help it I'm a terrible liar.
Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 4, 2009 8:23 PM
Wait, Jesse Bradford? No! No! What the hell?! No! This is totally unacceptable. I bought Swimfan on DVD for Jesse Bradford. He is one of the biggest reasons I can watch Bring it On again and again and again. I adore that crooked little smile, and for it to be used in service of this dreck? Is simply unacceptable.
*sigh* An old law school buddy bought me this book for my birthday last year. He swore to me that "It is the funniest thing I've ever read! It reminds me so much of law school! (Tucker Max's book is a compilation of stories penned while a law student and have nothing to do with the law or law school)"
The old friend and I no longer speak...coincidence?
Posted by: grizzle at August 4, 2009 8:32 PM
Oh Logan! Rory would be so disappointed in you. You were on Friday Night Lights for Christ's sake! And Jesse Bradford? No. No, no no no no no no no no. (No is a really weird word when you type it repeatedly.)
Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at August 4, 2009 8:36 PM
if someone killed tucker max or if he died of leukemia, i wouldn't mind.
Posted by: tiff at August 4, 2009 10:03 PM
I know two people who love this book, according to Facebook. The first is a lesbian, which may seem counter-intuitive until you hear that she's a butch lesbian who made out with my passed-out mouth and many others in college.
The second is a seemingly nice guy whom I met a while ago and lives near me. Seeing this book on his profile made me go HMMMMM, and I've pretty much stayed away from him since.
Judgy wudgy was a bear, yeah, but Tucker Max is a bear's asshole.
Would it make you feel better if they HAD shown that?
Soundz to me like a comment that would cum from a fat chick.
Posted by: tucker to the max at August 4, 2009 10:44 PM
The "highlight" of the book was a description of how he had diarrhea after a binge and smeared shit all through the men's room of a hotel, and then had to speak to the person responsible for cleaning it up. THAT was the epitome of hilarity to Tucker Max.
I've often wondered if Tucker Max could be the pseudonym of one of my old roommates. They certainly shared the same general opinion of women, and my roommate was no prize in the looks department, but still managed to snare tons of graduates of the Low Self-Esteem Program for Desperate Girls in Georgia. I certainly never understood why they tolerated his bullshit, but plenty of 'em did.
Posted by: Wednesday at August 4, 2009 11:07 PM
90% of Tucker Max's stories begin with a little epigraph about how he ALWAYS has pussy being thrown at him and it gets SO boring and GOD everyone just wants to have sex with him.
Okay, sir.
Posted by: Manda at August 4, 2009 11:16 PM
So, true story. Tucker Max went to University of Chicago. I also attend this school. I'm slightly ashamed.
I actually kind of enjoyed the book, in the way that I was entertained by the sheer douchebaggery of it, but making a movie is maybe the stupidest thing i've ever heard of.
Posted by: buttercup at August 5, 2009 12:13 AM
I've been perused pajiba on the daily for a solid two years now without ever leaving a comment until now. I just cannot help but weigh in on this one.
Reading all your comments..
What a bunch of goddam pussies! Jesus titty-fucking Christ almighty!!
So the movie looks like shit, he tried, it happens. The book was awesome. He is smart and a more than competent writer. It was outlandish in a jackass sort of way and absolutely hilarious.
He's a pretty normal dude if you ask me and it bothers me to see you pajiba folk who I usually consider intellectual and witty to be pretending to be so ladida PC.
We've all heard Tom Leykis and theres some new shit comedy with that irish sexpot and Heigl that speaks the same truths. It is the way things are, stop pretending. And take this in the manner it was intended, I may not comment but I read and do like y'all a lot. The tone of all this is just grossly misguided to me.
Posted by: Kryslam at August 5, 2009 10:46 AM
Goddammit, why didn't I proofread? I look like a dipshit three words into that! :P
Posted by: Kryslam at August 5, 2009 10:48 AM
Okay, full disclosure- I laughed my ass off at the book for sheer comedic value, and I'll probably Netflix the movie just for the diarrhea scene, which according to the trailer looks like it made it's way in. And no, I'm not a 12 year old boy, I'm a 21 year old woman.
Posted by: Quincy at August 5, 2009 10:53 AM
"The "highlight" of the book was a description of how he had diarrhea after a binge and smeared shit all through the men's room of a hotel, and then had to speak to the person responsible for cleaning it up. THAT was the epitome of hilarity to Tucker Max."
That's all you need to tell me to get me to hate this dude. I cannot STAND people who make difficult service jobs even more difficult, be it a foodfight in a cafeteria or shit-smear in a hotel. I went to a wedding recently where the groom, who was Greek, threw a bunch of plates on the floor and the staff rushed to clean them up. I understand it's the traditional thing to do, but it just made me so uncomfortable to see somebody getting paid minimum wage (undoubtedly) to clean up a bunch of glass that was broken on purpose!
Posted by: samantha t at August 5, 2009 2:19 PM
Kryslam, you've got to be kidding me. I'd never heard of this douchebag until today, then I went over to his website (godtopus help me). One of the stories was his first experience with anal. How he coerced the girl into it, lied to her, filmed her without consent, and then to top it all off, a fountain of shit and vomit (a horrific rip-off of the 'barf-o-rama' scene in Stand By Me). The idiot makes Dane Cook seem like Noel Coward. He is a fucking misogynist asshole. And boring. End of story.
Posted by: Treena at August 5, 2009 3:25 PM
You all sound like a bunch of sweat hogs that just need to get screwed instead of typing on internet.
Posted by: tucker to the max at August 5, 2009 5:34 PM
You guys are pretty proud of yourselves for being open minded. Except, of course, when it comes to people who act like the people who laughed in your faces in high school. His stories have misogyny, ohhhh noooo! He's also self-deprecating and aware of exactly what he's doing - writing to a bunch of 16 to 25 year old dudes. And what a stupid thing to do that is! As if anyone ever heard of advertisers or sponsors trying to reach THAT demographic. Wait.
Posted by: Jim Bob Cooter at August 5, 2009 5:46 PM
Also, anyone who doesn't think that
"What's your porn name?"
"Scott Peterson."
is hilarious needs to go hang themselves.
Posted by: Jim Bob Cooter at August 5, 2009 6:04 PM
Oh noes! I just got my first troll bite! He asked a stupid question (to which the answer is yes--at least then it would be honest advertising)! Then--spelling poorly, mind you--he made unflattering assumptions about my appearance!
*sobbing gasp* What ever shall I do???
Well, hope to hell idiocy isn't catching, for starters. After that, I'm not so sure. But it may involve having a good laugh with my modeling agent about the whole thing, followed by mind-blowing sex with my boyfriend. Have a good one, trolls!
Posted by: ShinyKate at August 5, 2009 6:15 PM
ShinyKate,
Modeling agent? For what? Lane Bryant cateloge? LOL!
Go back to yer houze and roll off yer Kevin Smith like bearded "boyfriend". Bring a mop to!
Posted by: tucker to the max at August 5, 2009 6:39 PM
Yeah, that's right TttM. I don't like what you like, so I must be overweight, my boyfriend must be unattractive, and our sex is the sloppy kind.
Were you on the Harvard debate team? No, no, wait! Don't tell me--- it was you who orchestrated the recent release of those journalists in North Korea, wasn't it? No, I've got it! You're Obama's speech writer, aren't you?
I know it's tough not to be able to attract women with self-esteem, but you shouldn't take it out on me. I think your unintentionally hilarious.
Posted by: ShinyKate at August 5, 2009 6:57 PM
You think I'M hyilarious? Try spelling "your" as "you're" and maybe I'll consider you a girl wurthy of ME!
Whats yer name and I'll look you up so I can see if you're good looking or not. If you are 2 me then I'll tell you to drop the zero and git with the HERO! I'd rock yer world.
Tucker to the max out!
Posted by: tucker to the max at August 5, 2009 7:32 PM
D'oh! Undone by a typo, and called on it by a man who writes in text speak. Well, that'll teach me to proofread more carefully.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm not exactly compelled to prove anything to the likes of you. Besides, I wouldn't let you touch me with Johnny Depp's penis.
Thanks for the laughs, though. Have a nice life!
Posted by: ShinyKate at August 5, 2009 7:53 PM
Ha ha. ShinyKate got baited into a flame war by a clearly sarcastic and over-the-top asshole troll. People proving they're stupid by trying to prove how smart they are - awesome.
Posted by: Jim Bob Cooter at August 5, 2009 8:19 PM
You think I'M hyilarious? Try spelling "your" as "you're" and maybe I'll consider you a girl wurthy of ME!
*tries to suppress laughter*
Whats yer name and I'll look you up so I can see if you're good looking or not. If you are 2 me then I'll tell you to drop the zero and git with the HERO! I'd rock yer world.
Now all o' ya'll watch me as I go out and git me a hot piece of ass and youll C that I'm the pussy master.
Tucker to the Max is here ta stay, bitches! Git used ta it.
Boobies!
Posted by: tucker to the max at August 5, 2009 9:00 PM
...
Bwwaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahha!!!
Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!!
*takes a few deep breaths, wipes tear away*
Aaaaaaaaahahahahaha!
You're right, Mr. Cooter. This can't possibly be for real. Fun, though! Had me laughing through the last hour of my workday. So, thanks, Fraudy McPhonypants!
Posted by: ShinyKate at August 5, 2009 9:08 PM
"Hey, remember when that whiny friggin' author came and raised a goddam ruckus when he didn't like his book's review? Remember the good times that were had?"
I'll show you a fraud when I send you a vid (video) of me gitting a gurl up her tight ass and she shits all over my junk and I through up all over her chinese character back tattoo.
Meaux, I'm lookin' at YOU! Eat some corn tonight cuz its harvest time! Whaat, whaat!
I'm not from Cleveland but I love a steamer, bitches!
Check, check.
Out.
Posted by: Tucker to the Max at August 5, 2009 10:22 PM
i dont know if anything tucker max writes about is any worse than the nasty shit that gets hurled at katherine heigl and her ilk on this website all the time...just saying...
Posted by: chippy at August 6, 2009 4:55 AM
This review doesn't even address the movie, instead it tries (using as few neurons as possible) to discredit his morals. Is this a movie review or a contest against yourself to see who is more of a whiny bitch?
I don't agree with most of what Tucker does, but that doesn't make it not funny. Try not to answer the question 4+4=7 ok "dude"?
Posted by: Ben at September 15, 2009 7:19 PM
Heil Tucker Max!!! These fascists can burn in hell.
Posted by: Rijska at September 27, 2009 1:57 AM
Heil Tucker Max!!! These fascists can burn in hell.
I wonder how he'll spin such a paltry opening. Of course, someone else would have to tell me as whenever curiosity makes me go on his site something else makes me go off it.