Pajiba

A solution: fire SJP, move Christina Hendricks into the starring role, change the title to This Is How She Does It and tweak the writing to be an hour and a half of everyone being hot and awesome at each other.

Bam! Problem solved.

Perfect! --DR

Of course she's going to quit her job in the end. She'll magically realize that the only way she can keep it together is by giving up something she enjoys and is good at.

So not only does hollywood tell us that being bigger than a size 2 is fat but it also tells us that being a working mother/wife is unacceptable and really really hard.

Inexplicably, I'm embarrassed for SJP. Have been for a long time.

@fredo Thank you, and no. No one would buy that. I think the closest we got was Will Smith and the point of that flick was that he struggled to GET a job, not ditch one.

1. Motherhood is hard. It is a full time job. I didn't think so before I had kids, but now I am building a jewelry business while my kids are small, and cannot do either one justice, as there is not enough time in the day. Many times, I have felt so much pressure to do them both well, the only thing I could think of was to give up on my jewelry business dream. Which I haven't, but it will take that much longer to achieve it, because the kids come first. Unlike beads, they will not sit in a box and patiently wait for me to come back to play with them.

2. I am fucking sick and tired of employers who believe that giving your time, effort and soul for a goddamn job proves anything. It is a JOB. A career is a JOB that you've spent a long time with. That is all. You might love it. It might be your dream. But your kids won't be kids forever. And if you care about that, about being part of their childhoods, then you have to act accordingly. You can't be in two places at once.

3. GAH!!! LICE!!!!

Yup, in the book she quits her job. But at least in the book, the non-working mothers are portrayed as nasty judgmental bitches who never miss a chance to get a dig in at her for "abandoning" her children so there's a tiny bit of balance there.

Another thing I hate: in the book and I assume it will be in the movie, the hubby is emasculated by the fact that she has a high powered job and makes more money than him. In real life, I know several couples in the same situation and every single husband loves the fact that the pressure is off of them. In fact, Mr. PaddyDog would be delighted to quit his job tomorrow and spend the rest of his life playing with our dogs if only my salary would permit it.

@PaddyDog I know a couple where the woman made waaay more then the man... he quit his job and became a stay at home daddy. Did not feel emasculated. Makes playgroup more interesting...

RobP, I forgot those late 80s/early 90s gems.

And I think that's the overall point: people make these kind of choices all the time. Some choose to stay at home or work at home. Some choose a career or schedule that lets them be at home as much as possible. Everyone makes what they want fit the best way they can.

There is no way that a "high-powered hedge fund manager and the mother of two small children" doesn't have a housekeeper and a nanny or two hanging around.
It is amazing how much easier it is to have it all with a couple of paid employees to help with the hard stuff.

I can't speak for everyone, Theresa but I think the objection isn't that a woman would choose to stay at home, but instead that she won't be able to juggle everything. I know women who have chosen to stay at home and I wouldn't suggest that they made the wrong choice. My sister-in-law is raising 4 kids, all under 5, and she does more in a day then I probably do in a week at work. But I too am sick of the idea that it's impossible to do everything. My mother worked and raised two kids with a husband who was not emasculated despite the fact that she makes almost twice what he does.

There was a segment on 60 Minutes several years ago about well-educated woman who have given up their careers to be with their children. It featured both these woman and a horrified feminist scholar saying that so much of what had been fought for was being lost. It IS a feminist choice to stay home with your children, if that is what you want. There are always women who are working very hard to get ahead in a corporate environment and that gap will be filled by career-oriented people. The thing that was most egregious was that the women who had bowed out would/could not acknowledge that they were able to do so because they were financially able to do so. Making a sacrifice of your career to be with your children is a lot easier if you can manage on a single income. What does all of this say to the LEGIONS of mothers and fathers who work because they have to in order to survive? I don't just mean the never-mentioned group where the women always had to work to support their family, I mean the middle class people just trying to muddle through. The people who 30 years ago had the "luxury" of a stay-at-home mother. The answer in that case to I don't know how she does it is BECAUSE SHE HAS TO. Of course, this being America and all, it's her own fault for not being rich.

MelBivDevoe: Point taken, I agree. Perhaps I just got a little bit defensive...

Mrs. Julien: I agree.

I'm a working mom. One kid, about to turn 3. I work because I have to, and no other reason. I make about 10 times what my husband does. He stayed home with the kid for the first year (aside from my maternity leave) because it was the right decision financially. I envied him every day he was home. I'm pretty sure he wasn't emasculated by any of this.

I would gladly give up the career that I have had for 16 years, and have hated for about 14 of those. It breaks my heart every morning to kiss my son goodbye and say "mommy has to go to work now." It's worse when he runs after me, begging for one more hug and kiss. I'm pretty sure he took his first steps at daycare, but the people there were nice enough not to tell me.

When I get home, the first thing he says to me is "I missed you all day, mama." And I miss him all day too.

Captain Tuttle The guilt will get a little easier when your son goes to school and you no longer feel like you have failed by not being with him all day because suddenly he can't be with you all day either. If you're like me, you'll find other things to feel guilty about. I have a never ending supply.

I remember when I didn't have kids, I used to hate the parents who dumped their work on me. So I didn't even think about it when I had to schedule some stuff in Oklahoma next week (I'm in Florida). Then one of the guys I work with (technically he's my boss) came in to my office and offered to take the trip for me so I wouldn't have to be away overnight. That's one of the nicest things a co-worker has ever done for me.

Thanks, Mrs. Julien. And I know what you mean about the guilt finding a new path. My goal is to find a new job/career by the time Tuck starts school. One that I don't take home with me every night.

I think ChickaBoom that there is a cetain element of entitlement involved. "I'm a parent, no one could possibly expect me to be here and do this instead of whatever I want to do." Therre's a lot of "working at home" that produces a surprisingly small amount of actual work. Would these people find some other excuse if they didn't have kids? Possibly, but there would not be the expectation that the rest of us will just pick up the slack. Interestingly the two biggest offenders here are men. It does tend to sour me on the whole concept of flex time, acomodating schedules etc. I find myself siding with Dabney Coleman, which makes me uncomfortable.

See, my question is why is there the expectation that others will pick up the slack? I mean, of course, emergencies rise, whether it's your children or some other equally important thing. I don't know why employers put up with mediocrity in their workers. I'm sure they have their reasons but entitlement gives me The Rage.

Mrcreosote:

I have to disagree. I am fully in favor of flex-time, working from home and accommodating schedules because first of all it evens the playing field: everyone gets the same flexibility and everyone is held to the same standard.
Secondly, and I really believe this is true: the major reason for slacking off at work is resentment at the fact that we have to spend so much of our time shackled to a desk/cube, etc. being treated like children who must be monitored at all times. If we are trusted as adults to do our jobs regardless of location, my experience has been that we knuckle down and get those jobs done.
Most of the companies in the industry I work in offer Summer Fridays: everyone works a little later Monday through Thursday and the Friday the office closes at noon. It is a beloved policy that almost no-one abuses and gives people a real chance at a weekend. People are so much more engaged in their work and cheery during the week just knowing that Friday has a little perk of freedom in there.

Between the guilt and my love of potatoes, it really is no wonder I married an Irish Catholic.

(Could someone let me know when the link for my comments is up on whitewhine.com? Because, you see, I feel that as someone living a middle-classish existence in the West I have no right to feel bad about anything. I get myself coming and going. It's a gift.)

@dinka Nah, the first haircut thing is more for the mom (or dad) than the kid, as with most 'firsts', and then it all comes down to insecurity and fear. The feeling that missing a 'first' makes you a bad parent or something. Sure, part of it is 'being there' for the child, but certainly there is someone there for them, the other parent.

I do think this is another example of art being way damn late at imitating life. As has been said, this is what people do all the time. The only reason to make a movie out of it is to make money pulling those heart/purse strings. I don't know why it's only entertaining if said mom is a 'high powered' whatthefuckever. Like life's problems are only real if you're hyper-successful.

This is akin to something I bitch about all the time. In tv and film, people are caricatures of real people. Teenagers aren't nearly as smart as they are portrayed, not nearly as evil and mean either. Sure, they're mean, but not to the level you see in your average television show. I was watching Criminal Minds the other day and some teen was getting shit from another teen about her dad getting pulled in under suspicion of abducting a local girl and I couldn't help feel it was way over the top.

In much the same way, I have yet to meet a person who feels emasculated for not being able to be the breadwinner. On the contrary, many men would envy that chance I think. I would have (until it became a moot [not mute] point). I personally feel like any pressure a woman would have to suit up and go career rather than stay and mom (or both, and juggle) are mostly internal. Societal pressures? I don't buy it. I know women can be harsh and catty to each other, but would they really sit and backbite over the choice in either direction? I don't believe so.

Amen Paddydog n MrCreosote. You're not juggling shit if you're failing to do it.

@Mrs. Julien - this is my point about internal pressure over societal. Not condemning it, I felt the same guilt when I had to do it, just saying it's our own guilt, out of love, not whether the rest of the world cares or not.

That being said, there is an awful lot of animosity towards parents who shuffle work off to do the parent thing. I think it's both sad and deserved. You are getting paid the same to do less of a job, but you wouldn't be a full human being if you didn't try to spend time with your kids. It's a give and take that doesn't really work, and it's not going to until our capitalist drives line up more correctly with our familial and humanist desires and realities.

Oh no, I can't balance my work & family life & still sleep with my husband! And they stopped carrying that yogurt that I like!

@Mrs. Julien - I'm an only child, and it was pretty alright. And yes, your kid is going to meet other "worldly" little kids whose parents have Cinemax and no V-chip and it will still be ok.

Mrs. Julien, I just want to thank you for describing perfectly what I've been feeling for the last 16 years.

Don’t blame SJP for the foul up that was the women’s movement. You want someone to blame, blame Susan B. Anthony. If it were me I would have put her face on the nickel and not the silver dollar. Now I must admit that I’m a fan of SJP, my wife and I enjoyed watching “Sex in the City” during its run on HBO. What is more distressing is the fact the the woman with the giant bazookas is somehow immune to criticism when in fact the only reason she’s in the movie is because of her enormous talents. NOW is nothing more than an organization that fights for the hot ladies. If a lady is overweight and is being harassed, NOW more than likely will send its B-team to fight for that woman. But if the lady is hot, NOW will send it’s A-team in to fight.

Sass-Green, no actually she’s a serviceable actress at best. Hendricks was introduced to us not by her ability to act, but by her tight clothing and humongous breastasis. Hendricks can’t all of a sudden want to be taken seriously when she’s constantly trying to poke someone’s eyes out.

@Mrs. Julien:

Standing ovation with a few fist-pumps and woo-hoos thrown in for good measure.

@VK and @Protoguy I've just been married a couple of years and don't have kids yet. I'm currently working hard on building up my career to the point where I can go on maternity leave without getting super behind in my career path. I don't want to be a SAHM. I never have. I have siblings who are and that's great for them. I don't fully understand some of the choices they've made, but they're happy and that's what matters.

What pisses me off is that I DO have catty females (one of my siblings specifically, and others) telling me that I won't be a good mother if I don't give up everything for kids. The same woman also tells me that men can't be SAHDs because they're emotionally not suited to it, which I know is bullshit. I can't for the life of me understand why both sides of this argument don't just accept what other people want to do!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that no matter where you are and how you choose to live your life, you will ALWAYS find people who tell you their way is better. Which is why I hate that all of these movies (that I've seen at least) say there's only one right way to be married/work/raise kids. Life is so much more complicated than that.

This is always a tricky subject, because you CAN do it all. The problem is when you think you're not doing it well enough. That's when people butt in and give you their unwanted opinions.

@VK & Stina: I take it back then, honestly. I have just never encountered such behavior. I've heard people complain about it, but never seen it myself and I'm the kind of guy who needs to witness it otherwise it tends to fall into the overblown or self-made drama category.

Maybe it's because I don't understand that cattiness, don't comprehend what makes people do things like that to each other, that I'm in a constant state of denial. I understand the text-book psychological reasoning behind it, but can't comprehend the real-world occurrences. Maybe also why I tend to get blindsided by that sort of thing when it does happen.

"People suck" used to be my mantra, and for good reason, so I admit to the fact that it does happen and also admit that this makes me somewhat contradictory in my own experiences and outlook. I'm a cynical altruist to my core. I think people are inherently good yet understand that most of the time they're just not and I shouldn't expect them to be. Maybe that's why when people do live up to the potential good in them, it really hits me in the heart.

Yeah, I'm a contradictory fool sometimes.

"People suck" used to be my mantra, as I said, but now I have been forced to amend it to "people mostly suck", because my own personal experience, my recent diagnosis and surgery for cancer and the outpouring of kindness from people I know and barely know, from strangers and even internet-only friends, has shown me just how much good there is in people after all.

That's a damn good screenplay right there if you ask me.

Wait, what? She has a nanny?

FFS now I truly hate the film.

She's got a full-time, well paying, high pressure job, a successful architect (?) husband? Family and friends who are able and present to help out. AND A NANNY? Seriously, is this some fantasy life they're marketing to all the Cinderellas out there or are they just rubbing our noses in 21st century nobility fiction bullshit? "Ooh the poor poor princess who cannot find her place in the cruel cruel world". I really think filmmakers are as disconnected from the real world as any fat-ass politician.

I seriously love this thread right now. Love. Not because I'm a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, but because my mom was one (of each, actually.) She was like the caricature in that movie. High-powered graphic design executive in a high-pressure job. She was great at it and I spent all my time at my grandma's and cousins' house. Like seriously, after school, I'd stay with my cousins' and then ate dinner with them and then she'd come home around 10 pm and then maybe read me a story and then I'd go to sleep.

I kind of loved it, to be honest. A kid spending lots of time with other kids? What's not to love? I didn't even resent my mother or felt like she was ditching me.

Then when I was 6, she quit her job, told me it's because she wanted to spend more time with me (I actually remember telling her, "But why? I'm fine!!") then started her own freelance graphic design studio while also taught piano and art at home. So she went from never being home to being home all the time. And she made a shitload less money, but said it was absolutely what she wanted to do and that she was much happier doing that. She's since ditched the graphic design part of it and has moved on full-time to teaching music, which was always her passion anyway. So yea, she gave up her career, but decided to pursue something else that she really actually loves instead.

In retrospect, it was pretty great that she gave up that job to be with me. But as a kid, I remember thinking, selfishly, that I would be more... strictly monitored. Would get away with less. So I wasn't really as grateful as I should have been.

(I don't know if you guys can see this point, but I'm trying to say please don't be too hard on yourself about not being able to stay home. Though it might have came off as, "I don't want my mom at home, wheeee....")

Anyway, I just seriously love this thread and this discussion because it kind of crystallizes, for me, what my mother might have been going through. I'm super thankful for her and the sacrifices she's put in for me.

Also, you probably coulda guessed this, but my mom was a single mom. She kind of is my own personal feminist hero.

If I'm being forced to do your work, I wouldn't say no to getting your paycheck. It's not the less than exemplary work ethic or entitlement that bugs me the most about working mothers who won't work, it's the insinuation that your time and life are irrefutably unimportant and it takes a lot a gall to refuse the slack because. And why? Because it isn't as if anything you'd be doing would be of consequence. Put down the GameBoy, we all know you've got nothing better to do than all of my crap. I've seen it, I've experienced it, and if my space voodoo incantations exercise their power, there are going to a lot of kids sprouting cheek tusks soon. Great, now you 'have it all' and all you do was steal those missing pieces from me. I don't remember giving my consent. Jealousy? Sure. See, I'm jealous of the woman who has finagled neverending vacation pay out a job, somehow. I'm not gunnin' for ya, lady, it's just that I don't understand how 'I saw, I conquered, I came makes one life inherently more meaningful than another. I'm pretty sleepy, Jocasta.

I don't hate children, I don't hate mothers, I'll give a pregnant woman my seat on the train because that's what a sane person should do. But when one person decides that her time is more valuable than another's and insists on your acceptance of that fact, how do you expect people to react? Don't lapdogs get tired too? Mutual respect, mutual.

I didn't see the trailer on account of I don't feel like getting MySpaced out the joint for not being irritated by the 'right' actress.

@dinka Nah, the first haircut thing is more for the mom (or dad) than the kid, as with most 'firsts', and then it all comes down to insecurity and fear.

and once they are 19 you don't even remember those "1st whatever" anymore...all you care about is getting them to buy a car so you can have yours back.
Seriously I have no memory of when he started walking or got his first haircut.
BUT I do remember the first movie he went to see (Beauty and the Beast) and his first DVD (Lion King).

*avoid* her, you mean? ;)

Don't worry Mrs. Julien! My husband is an only child and he's amazing. And my son Saul is an only child and he's brilliant too.

Don't WORRY! :)

Hello, i dont comment on blogs normally. But yours is excellent - Keep em coming