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World's Dullest Dragon Movie

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (36)

HowToTrainYourDragon_03.jpg

Hey Folks! I know, you’re not happy to be at work this week, but that’s what you get for using up all your vacation days to stay home and, apparently, watch The Rundown. Was it worth it?

Of course it was! Because while you might be at work this week, sucking in the recirculated cubicle air, nobody else is, which means you’re not doing shit. I know how it works — that week between Christmas and New Year’s was one of my favorite weeks of the year to work, because it’s like a day off, only you’re getting paid to surf the web all day.

Too bad we don’t have anything better to offer you this hour than a trailer for How to Train Your Dragon, which is the sort of trailer that comes on in theaters that prompts pre-movie bathroom breaks. It’s just another generic computer animated movie that no one — even most of the kids — has no interest in.

You better work on that marketing, DreamWorks. Needs more fire. And swordplay. And horrific deaths.







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Comments

Work? What poor sucker is at work? Oh. You. Suckerrrrrrr.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 30, 2009 10:12 AM

The dragon reminds me of my cat and I'll watch anything even remotely related to vikings. Also, Reign of Fire was ludicrously delightful so jog on.

Posted by: ThunderSacTriumph at December 30, 2009 10:13 AM

Which poor bastard is at work? Certainly not me. I'm so not at work, I've celebrated by not having gone to bed.

Okay, wait. What was going on now?

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at December 30, 2009 10:14 AM

Vikings and dragons? AT WAR?!

*shakes head and rubs bridge of nose*

Okay, I'm in. Again.

Posted by: superasente at December 30, 2009 10:18 AM

Did your grammar/typing/coherent sentence controls in your brain break or something Dustin? This post looks like it was written in anger by Joe Francis.

Posted by: PissBoy at December 30, 2009 10:19 AM

Reign of Fire is quite possibly the greatest Hangover movie. Plus axe dude getting eaten by the dragon is close to Sammy J's death in Deep Blue Sea for favourite movie surprise moments.

Posted by: Chugga at December 30, 2009 10:20 AM

Also, go ahead and pull the stick out of my ass if anyone feels it's necessary, but are all the typos in this particular post a clever demonstration of the "'tween Christmas and New Years Fuck-a-Rah", or is it that any errors are usually corrected by the time I get around to visiting the site (typically a late night activity, cause I can't handle this early morning shit)?

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at December 30, 2009 10:24 AM

How to Train Your Dragon: We'll spend almost half a minute talking about other movies we've made, and then not mention that the voice actors include Gerard Butler, America Ferrera, Craig Ferguson, McLovin, Kristen Wiig and Jonah Hill because regardless your kids will force you to take them to see this...aka a minimum $35mil opening weekend box office take.

Posted by: branded at December 30, 2009 10:24 AM

Oh, jesus, thank you, PissBoy. I was afraid I'd gone cross-eyed.

Posted by: Edwina the Magnificent at December 30, 2009 10:26 AM

Where's the attached shirless picture of Dustin and the long diatribe about how we all needed it so we had something with which to jerk off?

Posted by: PissBoy at December 30, 2009 10:27 AM

That is the shittiest looking dragon I have ever seen. Did they run out of paints? --Oh, wait, it's CGI, so there's no excuse at all.

Posted by: Jerce at December 30, 2009 10:28 AM

I saw the trailer in 3-D and was shocked by how ugly the character design was. It was sub-GameCube in realism and the characters had the same lack of soul as The Polar Express and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. The dragon would be adorable if not for Spyro being much cuter, friendlier, and awesomer.

Posted by: Robert at December 30, 2009 10:29 AM

And clearly, Dustin broke his brain trying to review The Young Victoria. I recommend a steady drip of Ryan Reynolds' ab pictures, a juicebox, and a nap. That should fix him up.

Posted by: Robert at December 30, 2009 10:32 AM

My daughter has read all of the books so I'll just second exactly what branded said. Except the part about the voice acting because she doesn't care. At the age of nine, she still thinks it's cool when books get made into movies. Shitty as they may be.

Posted by: admin at December 30, 2009 10:34 AM

I'm the loser at work. Me. I've got vacation time as well, it's just the deadlines that force working this time of year. I'm actually kind of hoping a dragon will swoop over, set fire to everything and eat some key people. I'd welcome that.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at December 30, 2009 10:59 AM

Just copied and forwarded the first two paragraphs to everyone here at work.

It's like you're watching us.

Posted by: malikvlc at December 30, 2009 11:03 AM

Egads, that CGI is fugly.

Posted by: malikvlc at December 30, 2009 11:10 AM

I watched the trailer and the only thing I even heard was "...in 3D!" Why oh why must EVERYTHING be in 3D now? Does every lame film need an extra gimmick? I'm getting sick of movie studios making stuff 3D just to make money, not because the film will be cooler that way.
*sigh* But of course they want to make money. I'm being idealistic again. Time to shut up and get more coffee.

Posted by: katyv at December 30, 2009 11:11 AM

Bah. This trailer makes it look much better.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount_classics/howtotrainyourdragon/

I think Toothless looks adorable, although they are going for more of a Pokemon look then a fierce monster. I'm looking forward to it, and I am over the age of nine.

Posted by: Lola at December 30, 2009 11:21 AM

My whole company has been working this week, unfortunately for us. 500+ people.

Posted by: Snath at December 30, 2009 11:33 AM

1) I AM at work, dammit, but won't be after today. Sucks ginormous dragon balls

2) Reign of Fire has over-the-top Christian Bale, over-the-top Gerald Butler, and WAAAAAAY-over-the-top McCona...whatsit. Plus, decaying dragons and such. Its cool with me.

3) Can't watch the trailer AT WORK, but it looks way too cartoony for me.

4) I plan to spend the next 4 days in a haze of liquor, either sitting with a drink in my hand, or flat on my back...or front...or side...or bending over....you get the idea.

Posted by: dammitjanet at December 30, 2009 11:37 AM

The guy in the office next door has been spanking it to the other trailers for weeks. Thank God he's stuck in Nebraska so I don't have to listen to a fresh round today.

Posted by: Eep at December 30, 2009 12:15 PM

Work? Wha? I've only been there 5 days this whole MONTH. And I don't go BACK until January 4th.

...and I'm not so excited about all that. I'm looking forward to going back.

My job > better than this movie. Obviously.

Posted by: Gabs at December 30, 2009 12:27 PM

You know, it is shit movies like this that lead kids to want to do boneheaded things like leaving food out back to feed the wild dragons near their homes. All this leads to is an emboldening of the dragons, and a lessening of their natural instincts to avoid people. Then, inevitably, some dumb brat (or 40 year old) convinces himself that the dragons are his friends, that they love him, and they would never, ever, hurt hi...CHOMP. Then we have to have a fucking dragon hunt to kill all of the aggressive dragons, who of course were only made so by human intervention in the first place. Now, I'll be the first to get out the killin' stick if a dragon is menacing me or my loved ones, but really, if SOME people would leave the romantic claptrap alone, we wouldn't even have this problem. So, for the sake of the Dragons, Just let them be.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 30, 2009 12:43 PM

Not only am I at work, but these two weeks are the hardest weeks of the year. (And it's not even a job in retail) I have a full day tomorrow. Two years ago, we were here until 8 on New Year's, and by the time I got TO MY OWN PARTY, everyone else was already rowdy and drunk. I suppose there are 8,000,000 worse fates in life, though, so I'll be thankful I'm not working the returns desk at Macy's this week.

Posted by: Lindsay at December 30, 2009 1:31 PM

I'm really getting tired of you knocking The Rundown pal. What gives? It is a solid "above average" action movie. You've got;

1) The Rock in badass mode. With charisma.
2) Rosario Dawson.
3) Sean William Scott. I put this here because he gets punched. A LOT. And that's satisfying.
4) Christopher Walken. CHRISTOPHER FUCKING WALKEN. 'Nuff said there.

Lay off The Rundown buddy, or your mouth is gonna start writing checks your ass can't cash.

Posted by: D-Day at December 30, 2009 1:32 PM

Lwa'e', your particular brand of insanity is pleasing to me this afternoon.

Posted by: Snath at December 30, 2009 1:45 PM

Well, SOMEONE has to find me amusing. Thanks Snath.

And honestly, 'don't feed fucking wild dragons!' was the FIRST thing that popped into my head watching that trailer.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 30, 2009 2:18 PM

No bad dragons, just bad owners.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 30, 2009 3:46 PM

See, that's the problem: Dragons shouldn't have owners. Wild animals ought not be fed. They are not pets. We do our wild dragons a great disservice by projecting our human emotions and tendency to care-take on them.
Mark my words, NO GOOD will come of this.
None!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 30, 2009 3:51 PM

Aaaaahhh ... I get it. This movie and Reign of Fire both have dragons. That's very clever of you, likening the two obvious shitfests.

Trouble is, Reign of Fire was awesome. Was it high art? Uh ... no, it was an action flick. Was it a good action flick? Uh ... hells yeah. Sci-fi plus fucking dragons!!! What the hell, dude?

So, this is the kind of claptrap you gin up on the days between holidays?

Posted by: Johnnyboy at December 30, 2009 10:22 PM

I can't watch this because I'm a total sucker for any kind of animal abuse and seeing an adorable baby dragon get shackled and abused will kill my fragile spirit.

Kinda like when my fiancee ambushed me with Bolt and I was a complete wreck by the end of it, but had to keep it all inside because someone else was watching the movie with us (same reason I couldn't just walk out 5 minutes in like I otherwise would have). Thank god it was dark, I could at least let a few tears out before putting the stoic face on.

AND OF COURSE SARAH MCLACHLAN AND HER GODDAMN ANIMAL ABUSE COMMERCIAL JUST SHOWED UP ON MY TV AS I WAS WRITING THIS. NOW I'M GOING TO GO CRY AND HUG MY CATS. EXCUSE ME.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at December 31, 2009 2:31 AM

^ I have the exact same reaction to that McLachlan commercial, even despite changing the channel as soon as I see it. The damage is done.

I'm willing to give the dragon movie a chance only because Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois are directing and wrote the screenplay. They are the oddballs that brought us Lilo & Stitch, one of the most original things to come out of Disney in decades (possibly ever).

Posted by: zyzzyva at December 31, 2009 4:08 PM

My kids and I have been reading these books since they came out and they are great. Incredibly funny both for them and me so if you have kids run out and jump on them.
Good to know they've managed to dumb down these books even further than Dahl's get mutilated.
Whatever, I promised the children we'd go as soon as I found out about the movie but you know we are all going to suffer. Long term I expect.
Happy new blah everyone......

Posted by: Muddy at December 31, 2009 8:41 PM

You can go suck a big one the movie is great you jealous piece of crap on a stick and all u other ppl who hate it suck on balls

Posted by: Jewel at April 21, 2010 8:13 PM

Hey, Jewel, you can suck mine because the movie was a huge piece of donkey dick cake.

Posted by: Hey at September 7, 2010 10:43 PM


















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