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How Is It Possible for 4 Minutes of Gratuitous Sex to Be This Excruciatingly Tedious?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (38)

completelyshaved.jpg

The second trailer (very NSFW, but that’s OK since most of you read the site from home, apparently) for the Showgirls sequel, Showgirls Exposed is out, a sequel that has little or nothing to do with the original besides the fact that there are naked women in it. I’d like to be able to tell you more about the trailer — there are a couple of strippers hanging out with a dog, some dude gets his brains blown out, and lots of lesbian sex — but it’s so excruciatingly dull that it’s impossible to sit through. Also, the music in the trailer is enough to drive you to ear-puncturing. It’s a mystery to me how a $20 million movie with so much explicit sex and violence can be this wearisome, but if any of you can make it even through the title cards at the beginning of the trailer, then I’ll impressed with your patience.

In fact, I challenge someone to sit through all four minutes and write up a synopsis below. If a synopsis is even possible.


(Source: Twitch)









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Comments

I cant see it at work so im gonna guess;


People be fuckin?

Posted by: nadine at June 8, 2010 9:14 AM

I never thought I'd see a trailer so bad I couldn't even get halfway through it.

Posted by: swimgrrl at June 8, 2010 9:21 AM

That has to be a joke, right?

Posted by: chad at June 8, 2010 9:23 AM

Honestly... The infomercial music gets me in the mood to buy a slapchop.

The boring credits, questionable acting, product placement & gyrating naked people all allude to one impression:

Avatar ripoff without the intrigue of blue skin & the justification of cultural differences to excuse tarty, nude hijinks

Posted by: Camilla at June 8, 2010 9:28 AM

0.00-0.30 = booooring.
0.30-1.00 = painfully boring with voice-over. I zoned out, so I can't tell what was said.
1.00-1.15 = ugly soundtrack stolen from some random 1998 trade fair booth. Oh shit, lyrics, too.
1.15-2.30 = blurry and slow montage of people and neon lights. Occasional nipple or butt cheek.
2.30-2.35 = crappy selfmade SFX of a meteor or something.
2.35- a, fuck it, it's too boring. didn't even make it to the headshot.

[watched at work, delurk from time to time, don't comment often b/c english not my mother tounge + don't want to lower the eloquence bar, knew none of those blogs, LEGO nerd actually, like GwynPal, fuck you.]

Posted by: Mo at June 8, 2010 9:33 AM

And: "The Second-Most Viewed Trailer of All Times."

Is that like, a thing now?

Posted by: couch and pants at June 8, 2010 9:36 AM

Oh yeah, that had everything;

--Horribly forced lesbian interaction? Check
--Suitcase of obviously fake guns? Check
--Opening credits made on Windows Movie Maker? Check
--Naked chick crawling on the floor? Check
--Cinematography by that guy in high school who wore foreign film t-shirts, a weak-ass goatee and filmed prom? Check
--Worst execution-style gunshot death ever? Complete with Batman text-effect and a good 4 second pause between shot and recoil? You bet your ass check!
--Insinuated beastiality? Check
--Do I understand that I get to see shaved snatch? Fuck yeah!

Tedious? Nay, sir. I say "complete".

Posted by: D-Day at June 8, 2010 9:46 AM

Nope, made it 1:17. And that was while multi-tasking.

Posted by: Nimue at June 8, 2010 9:50 AM

It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times. I'm a stupid monkey who checks the site at work. Dang.

Posted by: RobP at June 8, 2010 9:51 AM

Who the frell gave them the capability to make a sequel? Like nothing's going to go wrong with that.

Posted by: Oracle at June 8, 2010 10:02 AM

This is clearly a joke. Right? I've got a synopsis.

Just a small-town girl.
Livin' in her lonely world.
She took the midnight train
Going
To Las Vegas where she becomes involved in a world of stripping in front of huge windows, beastiality, John Travolta dressed as Spock, and alien encounters at the trailer park.

Posted by: logar at June 8, 2010 10:02 AM

I like that they're actually taking the film seriously and not like the first one where everyone was in on the joke. I think it has the potential to be a real eye-opener for a lot of people and impart a much more profound understanding of the darker aspects of being in the topless entertainment industry. Mock me if you will, but from the two trailers that I've viewed, I think that this film has the potential to be profound.

Posted by: admin at June 8, 2010 10:08 AM

Oh, right, /Sarc.

Posted by: admin at June 8, 2010 10:09 AM

This video was the most watched video by those in orange jumpsuits whilst on a vacation on a remote tropical island.

Posted by: peanut at June 8, 2010 10:11 AM

00:25 Sister died on the toilet? Man this guy talking sounds bored. Not really bored. Just bad acting like he is bored.

00:47 Rat poison in the cocaine?

00:51 Worst "nooooo..." ever.

00:58 Was that a girl crawling naked or Rachel Maddow?

01:14 Bad song starts, montage

01:28 BUSH SHOT!

01:34 Roar! Lion

01:43 Soldier? What is he doing there? Oh. I get it. He has a gun.

01:51 Cool dude in pimp hat.

01:58 - 02:07 Lingering, blurry shot on girl with clothes on.. wtf?

02:17 An ankle. ohhh nm. It’s a whole leg. That’s deep.

02:26 Boobies!

02:31 Dragging a body

02:32 A cemetery. makes sense I guess. OMG!! There is a meteor or something in the cemetery shot. So that's where the $20 million went.

02:39 Not sure but I think we just got a crotch shot.

02:41 Booty in thong. yum.

02:53 Two girls and a dog. Dog looks bored.

03:03 Dog escaped. Just the two girls and a cherry now. I think it’s a cherry.

Opps. missed some. Last sentence too long. I think there were some guns.

03:17 Girls in window. Nice view of a factory.

03:31 Ouch. Brain splat. That must have been the editor begging for sweet release.

Wow, this song lasts forever.

03:40 A banquet!

03:45 A dude in a black cape wearing a white mask.

03:48 ahhh... it's over.

04:02 spoke too soon. this song is still going. credits or something.

04:07 black screen. I like it.

Posted by: EricD at June 8, 2010 10:13 AM

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snork*

Wha ... Huh ... ???

Oh, yeah, you wanted a synopsis. Here it is:

The trailer for "Showgirls II" makes "Kendra!" look like "Masterpiece Theater."

Howzzat?

Posted by: , at June 8, 2010 10:37 AM

I watched the whole thing. The most inept trailer I've ever seen. I could do better with a laptop and video bits from YouTube. Or still photos from my own collection.

Posted by: Slash at June 8, 2010 10:46 AM

It has to be a joke right?

It look like the kind of fake trailer me and a friend used to shot and hastily edit on a boring Saturday afternoon, only with the worst effects you can possibly imagine. I mean what is up with this "zapp"? It's like they purposely did that to make it even more cheasy.

It can't be a 20 million dollars budget. We used to do it for free, yes we didn't had strippers nor a case full of fake guns (funny how they insist on that, like it's one of their most expensive props... Lets show the fuck out of them in the trailer!) but it can't possibly reach 20 millions. I'm shocked.

Posted by: rg at June 8, 2010 10:52 AM

,
Sometime I want to real people meet you so I can hear how *snork* is supposed to sound.

Posted by: esme at June 8, 2010 10:58 AM

A series of unrelated images with a cheesy song played over them.
It reminded me of the cheap videos they had on video jukeboxes in the early eighties, the ones they played in between songs to encourage you to put more money in and stop the pain.

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at June 8, 2010 11:09 AM

Cocaine is a hell of drug, and every motherfucking person involved in this was on it; VIOLENTLY. It looks so, so, very, very bad that I'm too depressed to make fun of it. I'll be napping on the I-40 at rush hour if anyone needs me.

Posted by: Kballs at June 8, 2010 11:18 AM

Listen, if Manoush says it's good, it's good. I trust his or her word implicitly.

Brought to us by the guy who did the titles for Firestarter and Commando? You tell me: how can this be bad?

Posted by: logar at June 8, 2010 11:23 AM

I caught the Fritz Lang references, and a touch of Alphaville, I think...
but mostly, watches like Private Gold tried to make a mainstream film. In fact, I'd be surprised if anyone in that cast can pull off a Midwest accent.

It could all be redemmed with at least one scenery-chewing performance. Besides the dog.

Posted by: Leroy Grey at June 8, 2010 11:24 AM

Here's my sinopsis:

Um...what?

Posted by: figgy at June 8, 2010 12:01 PM

Holy shit. ZAPP! goes the handgun.

This is like Turkish Showgirls or something. Wonderful.

Posted by: jon29 at June 8, 2010 12:30 PM

I'm amazed I'm saying this, but they've soiled the Showgirls brand. Well, perhaps soiled is the wrong word.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 8, 2010 12:47 PM

See, here's where "wow...just wow" serves its purpose.

Posted by: Chickaboom at June 8, 2010 12:53 PM

Synopsis: Sucks. (Wait for cable.)

Posted by: votre at June 8, 2010 2:46 PM

What the french, toast?

Posted by: HopeHope at June 8, 2010 3:23 PM

Panned. Banned. Condemned.

That's a good start.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 8, 2010 3:56 PM

er... The Fuck?

/synopsis

Posted by: Jonas at June 8, 2010 5:13 PM

Jabootu is strong with this one!

Posted by: theFatman at June 8, 2010 5:50 PM

Holy crap! I usually don't buy into your hyperbole, but I really couldn't finish the trailer. Worst trailer of all time? It has to be in the conversation.

Posted by: Patrick C at June 8, 2010 9:16 PM

I watched this trailer on my laptop while sitting on the couch. Dexter the Mutant Chihuahua was sitting beside me. The moment the music started he began to howl. And continued to howl through all four minutes. Hannah the Wonder Shepherd cocked her head, as dogs do, and watched him silently as he howled and howled and I laughed and laughed.

He usually only howls like that when I'm trying to work off some extra calories from dinner by shaking my booty to that classic Vanilla Ice song "Ice, Ice Baby".

Man, I hate it when my mutant chihuahua judges my taste in music and movies.

Posted by: Kelly at June 8, 2010 10:49 PM

Somebody dies from bad cocaine for some reason. That someone is a stripper who is related to another stripper named Karen, our hero. Karen's dead stripper relation was her inspiration for moving to Vegas and achieving her lifelong goal of taking off clothes for money. Upon hearing of her death, Karen vows to find out who has been selling all this sham cocaine (because the agent who tells her about it let's it slip "apparently, there's been a lot of deaths like hers lately. russians, I hear.") Well, karen believes death is wrong in all of its forms and rat poison in cocaine isn't too great either. She wants to find out who these Russians are and bring them to justice with the help of a bouncer at the club who is a big lug with a need to protect strippers (his mom was one. DEPTH! LAYERS!) Karen also enlists the help the agent who let the plot slip who she's also banging by now.

Where do we start looking for Russians? Well, shit. The club Karen strips at is run by Russians! They wouldn't be the same Russians who are selling crappy cocaine could they? Not exactly. In an action-packed, thrill-laced, fuckride of fucking and intrigue we find out the owner of the club lost his connect and has been cutting the yip yip with rat poison because...well....doesn't really matter at this point because Karen and him used to fuck. That doesn't sit well with secret agent man so him and the club owner fight. Agent man gets captured and rescued by bouncer with mommy issues. In the final showdown, the Russians lose, the agent wins. Karen, who was taken hostage at some point for some reason, returns to the agent tells him she loves him but she owes the bouncer her life and has to quit stripping, become a school counselor and only fuck the bouncer. Agent man understands, he's possibly been getting old for this sort of thing. Perhaps retirement looms? Fuck no! A sequel looms!

Like...that kind of synopsis? Or the other kind?

Posted by: BillowingBackpacks at June 9, 2010 1:33 AM

Lady Gaga? Is this you?

Posted by: Uriah Creep at June 9, 2010 3:50 AM

I was able to sit through the whole thing, but man it was a suck.I have to believe that when whoever did the editing to put that clip together was finished, actually watched it then put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger as many times as he could.If they didn't they should have.

Posted by: jack at June 9, 2010 7:18 PM

Nomi (the protagonist from the first movie) dies from doing some cocaine mixed with rat poison. The (cop?) doing the exposition at the beginning does some of the worst voice acting I've heard in ages. He sounds completely disinterested in what he's saying, which in a curious coincidence was how I felt, too.

Posted by: foolsage at June 10, 2010 12:34 PM