web counter
 

Holy Mouseketeer, John Turturro! What Did They Do To Your Face?

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (39)

nutcracker3d_trailer.jpg

Good morning, ladies and gents. Here’s the trailer for the Nutcracker movie IN 3D. To better appreciate the ballet moves? Because the music sounds better in 3D? Well, of course not, silly. This is Hollywood. This Nutcracker movie has EXPLOSIONS. It also stars one of the Fanning progeny. The one that’s still cute, and not the one that’s posing for cleavage shots.

The fun part about the trailer, however, is spotting John Turturro. Man, he is totally unrecognizable in this, and many of you may not even be able to spot him until near the end of the trailer, when they tell you which one Turturro is. Dude’s been Nut-cracked. IN 3D.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Ready To Take It Up the Butt Again? | Fox Picks Up J.J. Abrams' Alcatraz | Edward James Olmos Writing BSG Graphic Novel | It Can't Be Worse Than Galactica: 1980 →









Comments

Everything about that was made of nightmares and terror.

Posted by: Courtney at September 17, 2010 9:29 AM

Didn't spot a ballet move anywhere..

But was indeed shocked to see the John Torturo name, and only after that recognized something around the eyes of his character.

For the rest it looks like a ballet movie done by John Woo, produced bij the Bay monster.

Posted by: Magiel at September 17, 2010 9:30 AM

"3D"? what's that..?

Posted by: [A] at September 17, 2010 9:32 AM

Why don't these people get that Christmas is one of the few opportunities we get to allow children to really experience child-like joy? There is nothing better than bringing them to the local production of A Christmas Carol or The Nutcracker or showing them the original Grinch, and they love the story and the wonder, and they don't care that the costumes are a little tatty or the acting a little off or that the graphics are old. They don't need glitz. It's so sad that everything has to be presented as a bad video game.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 17, 2010 9:37 AM

"Elle Fanning"? As in, almost certainly Dakota Fanning's apparently somewhat slow-looking younger sibling? Are there really no other children in Hollywood these days?

Posted by: hazel at September 17, 2010 9:41 AM

The Fanning girl's nose is unfortunate. She looks like the slapped-on-the-back girls from "One Crazy Summer." Yikes.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the Fanning children, but the Phoenixes, Lohans, Culkins, Spears, and countless other child star siblings give me zero hope. If your kid becomes a celebrity, you may as well beat or molest them because they have about a 91% chance of being a seriously fucked up adult. It's ridiculous. Why can't we replace real kids with CGI-generated children? And you should have to wait until the age of 16 or 18 to get a SAG card or something. I don't know. Whatever. They aren't my kids. What do I care if they end up on a dance club floor with needles in their feces-slathered balls bragging incoherently about turning out just fine thank you very much?

Posted by: Kballs at September 17, 2010 9:48 AM

What the fuck did I just watch?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at September 17, 2010 10:00 AM

Since you mentioned his name I knew it was him. The eyes.

Posted by: Jay at September 17, 2010 10:12 AM

I completely agree with PaddyDog, and would add that it is an opportunity for adults to (re)experience child-like joy as well. Not the standard grown up immaturity we see the rest of the year, mind you, but fond memories of surprise, shiny stuff and innocence.

Christmas should not be about commercials on steriods, but that's where we are. Not really a mall-goer myself, but a friend said she has already seen Christmas sales & decorations up.

Posted by: IneptFake at September 17, 2010 10:13 AM

When you start talking about what Christmas should be about, you sound like a fascist.

Posted by: RobP at September 17, 2010 10:34 AM

Dear People Who Think Taking Your Kids To See This Will Be a Lovely Cultural Experience,

Take them to the ballet instead. The Joffrey usually runs a decent production of it somewhere every season. Also available in 3D.

Posted by: JenVegas at September 17, 2010 10:48 AM

Explosions? I think I'll stick with the version that's in Fantasia. It had fairies, and flowers, and fish, and mushrooms. Ummmm, mushrooms.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 17, 2010 10:54 AM

Ok. The title of the ballet is called "The Nutcracker." The title of this movie is called "The Nutcracker (in 3gofuckyourselfD)." THEN WHY IN SWEET FUCK IS THE MAIN MALE PROTAGONIST A FRIGGIN PUPPET??? Nutcrackers are awesome and useful. Puppets are terrifying. Especially wooden ones with crazy joints that come alive. That's right Pinocchio, you creepy mother fucker, I'm looking at you, too. But seriously? IT'S IN THE DAMNED TITLE!!! How do you fuck that up??? HOW? Andrei Konchalovsky, I am gonna come over there to whatever Eastern European country your name comes from and NUT CRACK YOUR FACE.

::end rant::

Posted by: KatSings at September 17, 2010 11:05 AM

"When you start talking about what Christmas should be about, you sound like a fascist."

Then I'm a pinko leftie fascist and proud of it.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 17, 2010 11:19 AM

Worst. Trailer. Voiceover. Ever.

Posted by: D-Day at September 17, 2010 11:22 AM

"When you start talking about what Christmas should be about, you sound like a fascist."

Shew! Just barely escaped judgement there, since I was remarking on what Christmas shouldn't be about

(AllHumanKindEveryWhereMustSubmitToMyWill BwaaahaaaHaaa)

Posted by: IneptFake at September 17, 2010 11:26 AM

Yuck. Great idea, scare the kids for the holidays.

Posted by: Devo at September 17, 2010 11:29 AM

Just a point of clarification: When it says "Based on the Story & Music by Tchaikovsky" they're lying to your face IN 3D.

Tchaikovsky was just the middle man. E.T.A. Hoffmann wrote the story that the ballet was based on -- and it's crazy and warped and weird and at one point a guy who has never shaved or worn boots in his life is the only one who can break the curse and I'm not even kidding.

Find a copy of Tales of Hoffmann if you can. Each one sneaks up on you like a sibilant unexpected whisper in a dark room.

Posted by: Mike B. at September 17, 2010 11:29 AM

This looks fucking awful. I've never really liked The Nutcracker though. I'm not really sure why. I just remember it boring the shit out of me as a kid.

Why do studios always say "In 3D!" like it's going to make the movie better? At this point with what we've seen of 3D, I'd think it would turn most people off from a movie.

Posted by: Paul at September 17, 2010 11:45 AM

I wonder if Turturro walked on set, saw Einstein Lane, became very silent. Walked back to his trailer, and died a little inside. Or did he know what his choice to appear had wrought?

Posted by: e at September 17, 2010 12:09 PM

Hilarious.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at September 17, 2010 12:21 PM

This is my new Christmas film FOREVER.

Posted by: Nadine at September 17, 2010 1:33 PM

Well, that will crack your nuts. OK, this story was never a sweet childhood story. It was always just an excuse for stage mothers promote their children as performers once a year in cute costumes.

But even so this represents another feeding of every efin story into the grim, loveless 3-D explostainment mill. You know what this trailer looks like? A SNL or FunnyorDie parody. What does that tell you?

Posted by: Patricia at September 17, 2010 2:03 PM

Well. So much for resting in piece damn it!!!

Posted by: Tchaikovsky's Ghost at September 17, 2010 2:15 PM

Oh, Tchaikovsky's Ghost, I hope you are at least resting in ONE piece. Dismemberment is ooky.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 17, 2010 2:25 PM

That's the kid from The Lost Room. Neat.

Posted by: Lucas at September 17, 2010 2:43 PM

As a child who spent many a Merry Christmas seeing the ballet on stage (thanks, Miami Ballet!), I share the thoughts of many of the commenters. I never watched the ballet and thought, "This would be so much better with expolsions!" I weep for our future.

On a side note, did anyone else think John Turturro looked just like Barry Manilow (in his current, tight-faced incarnation - not the cool 70s "Copacabana" ruffled silver lame shirt-wearing Barry)? Yes, I'm old, but I defy you not to listed to "Weekend in New England" and not tear up just a little...

Posted by: SugarKane at September 17, 2010 4:07 PM

I am so goddamn sick of steampunk influencing everything. What in the hell does that have to do with The Nutcracker?

Posted by: Neonlexicon at September 17, 2010 4:30 PM

SugarKane:

I tear up listening to Mandy ever since I found out it's about his beagle who died.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 17, 2010 4:35 PM

People, people, people, I would've thought the absurdity of using "fascism" made the joke obvious. Blah.

Posted by: RobP at September 17, 2010 4:42 PM

Wow. So. Trailer for a movie about the Nutcracker, based on the music... aaand there isn't a single note of music from the actual ballet. Great. Way to have faith in your source material.

Fucking marketing..

Posted by: Claire Allison at September 17, 2010 4:55 PM

YES! Barry Manilow. I knew there was something familiar about his face.

And I was going to say something about the music, too, but I'm only really familiar with the Nutcracker Suite and not the full ballet, so I wasn't sure if that awful trailer music was the boring bits from the ballet or something else. Still, if you're playing on people's love for the Nutcracker, I agree, use the FOOKIN music.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 17, 2010 6:00 PM

One piece, yes, I am in once piece.

though as far as I'm concerned, I may want to ressurect myself long enough to kill the incessant idiots who think that The Nutcracker is a fraking action story, and that it belongs in an alternate universe where Steampunk is the norm and a giant effing rat dude decides to turn a human into a muppet wannabe!?!

Yeah. I think I'll stay dead, in heaven, whilst you graverobbers rot in hell.

Posted by: Tchaikovsky's Ghost at September 17, 2010 7:51 PM

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Posted by: Bequafina at September 17, 2010 9:23 PM

so, does this open doorways? a grinch horror movie where he slides down the chimney and sucks the life out of children in whoville? The Epic Of Rudolph the freedom fighting red? Little Drummer Boy as a postwar trauma drama? The nativity as an Alien symbiont invasion story?

could be a bottomless pit of new fodder. fuck christmas in the ass with a conifer and rake it in at the box office

Posted by: idleprimate at September 17, 2010 11:07 PM

Bequafina, that was my reaction exactly. What the hell?

Posted by: Jenne Frisby at September 17, 2010 11:46 PM

Oh, this is going to fail so hard I will hear the thud from however far away I can get from any theater showing this movie.

Posted by: Jerce at September 18, 2010 10:53 AM

Wow. that was really, really awful.

Posted by: webelos8 at September 18, 2010 4:08 PM

This makes me wish that someone would release Nutcracker: the Motion Picture (the one Pacific Northwest Ballet did, with costumes and sets by Maurice Sendak) on DVD.

Though, I do have a copy of the Care Bears: The Nutcracker . . .and I'm not sure which is worse, that or this piece of shit.

Posted by: Rowen at September 18, 2010 9:16 PM