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Hellraiser: Revelations Trailer: Seriously, Get Back In The F*cking Box

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (20)

new-hellraiser-revelations-stills-2.jpg

Holy balls, people.

Look here: I loves me the original Hellraiser movie. It’s a sharp, nasty, dark, twisted little slice of horror, directed by Clive Barker and adapted from his own short story, The Hellbound Heart. I’ll give Hellbound: Hellraiser II a pass, because it’s got some fun dialogue and it’s just goofy 80’s silliness. Things start to go to shit from there though, and the six successive films (totaling eight — eight!) all range from bad to abominable (and yes, before you call bullshit, yes I have seen all of them). OK fine, I actually kind of like Bloodline, but it’s still not good.

And now we have the ninth entry, Hellraiser: Revelations. It’s a disaster of a film, a project that the Weinsteins rushed into production to avoid losing the rights to the franchise. They’re apparently developing a remake/reboot, but they couldn’t get their asses in gear fast enough, so instead they’re inflicting this shitpile on us. It’s also the first film to not feature iconic horror actor Doug Bradley as the infamous Pinhead, which is strike a million, frankly — especially since Bradley turned them down. The man has been in seven absolutely terrible entries in the franchise and he tells them to go screw? That bodes extremely fucking poorly.

And now there’s the trailer. It looks like it was created by drunken 12 year-olds. It actually looks worse than Hellraiser: Hellworld, the pathetic entry that tried to cash in on the MMORPG craze. That bad.

Fuck it, watch the trailer anyway.









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Comments

I liked the first two movies and the fifth one -- what was that called? Inferno? But I'm not really devoted to the franchise.

Posted by: Todd at August 23, 2011 10:34 AM

But hey, as long as it's a double feature with "Zombie Diaries 2"...

Posted by: NateS1973 at August 23, 2011 10:46 AM

ugh

Posted by: gp at August 23, 2011 10:55 AM

I guess I'm the only one who thought Deader was actually pretty good. But, yeah, this looks bad. And Pinhead looks fat.

Posted by: Case at August 23, 2011 10:56 AM

So Pinhead does home invasions now ? Shit Effects. The actor playing Pinhead looks a few sandwiches short of a pork buffet. His voice is terrible. the acting is only suitable for an 7th grade stage play at best.

Posted by: Mr. Stitch at August 23, 2011 11:12 AM

Put me down as an appreciative supporter of the first one -- and dump the rest.

I'd actually be all for a remake of the original that expanded on the mythology and made it even more disturbing.

Posted by: Fredo at August 23, 2011 11:36 AM

Was it really necessary to add cheesy blue CGI glow to the box when it's opening now? Really? Was the original box, which took something like 19 separate models to put together, somehow not impressive enough? Because blue CGI glow is lame.

I can't even comment on the horrible dialogue and the even more horrible delivery thereof. "You have a darkness to rival my own, Miko!" For fuck's sake, that reads like a 14 year old goth kid's fanfic.

I love the original, and I quite enjoy the sequel, too. I even kinda sorta ashamedly enjoy the third one. And I've seen every single subsequent one, even though they HAVE all been different degrees of awful. But this is one I think I'll skip.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at August 23, 2011 12:05 PM

If there is the merest utterance of the iconic phrase (you know the one) I'll show these fuckmunches hell. Canuckistani style.

Posted by: admin at August 23, 2011 12:09 PM

I was watching the first one and trying to eat dinner and that really did not go together. True story.

Posted by: Gigi at August 23, 2011 12:36 PM

That's some shitty photoshopping up there. Her cheeks are being ripped out but everything else is in perfect proportion.

Posted by: Steph at August 23, 2011 1:52 PM

HahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaHahahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 23, 2011 2:55 PM

That's some shitty photoshopping up there. Her cheeks are being ripped out but everything else is in perfect proportion.

Posted by: Steph at August 23, 2011 1:52 PM

Not to mention the look in her eyes is less "I'm being rent asunder by terrifying Hell creations!" and more "I just had this carpet cleaned, and NOW look at it!"

Two Pinheads? Am I missing something from the later film entries? The last one I saw was the one where several new Cenobites were created (included the one made from a DJ who shot CDs from his chest or some shit), and at the end the Final Girl placed the box in some wet concrete at a building site, resulting in the finished building looking like a giant puzzle box. Can't remember what number that was.

Posted by: JustBill at August 23, 2011 3:18 PM

Yes! Can't wait for Zombie Diaries 2! The trailer for that looked a lot better than this piece of crap anyways.

Posted by: googergieger at August 23, 2011 5:36 PM

JustBill, that was Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. But, no, there's been no mention of a second Pinhead in any of the films. Perhaps this is the Revelation of the title?

Posted by: Case at August 23, 2011 10:40 PM

You remember when Mortal Kombat II came out and we all hoped to god it was better than the first movie? And then Dexter's dad showed up and was all like "Hey dudes, I'm Raiden! I didn't want to look or talk or act like Christopher Lambert anymore, so I changed into this guy! Gnarly!"

Yeah. That's what's happening with this Pinhead.

I think my feelings will be the same for the reboot as well.

Posted by: DarthBrookes at August 23, 2011 11:37 PM

Wow, that is...bad. I'm a huge fan of the original movies (personal favorite is Hell on Earth, if only because Doug Bradley looked damn fetching in that WW1 uniform), but even if I weren't, this looks bad. Student-production bad.
And yeah, new-Pinhead looks like he's been hitting the pizzas pretty hard. Not exactly threatening.

Posted by: JennieHaniver at August 24, 2011 1:16 AM

Posted by: Matt at August 26, 2011 9:45 AM

I once made myself sit through all of the Hellraiser movies in a single week. By the time Pinhead was cackling madly and causing random explosions in Hellraiser III, I was severely regretting my decision. Two or three films later, I became so jaded to cerebral torture that I took to jabbing myself in the testicles with heated drawing pins just so I could feel something besides soul-crushing numbness again.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at August 26, 2011 8:07 PM

October 5th is Clive Barkers Birthday and I just want to give the man all the respect he deserves. Happy Birthday Clive!!!

Posted by: Long Griseta at October 5, 2011 5:23 PM

October 5th is Clive Barkers Birthday and I just want to give him all the respect he deserves. Happy Birthday Clive!!!

Posted by: Tracey Dragna at October 5, 2011 5:33 PM