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Take Pajiba’s Hannah Montana Challenge!

Winner Receives Free Frontal Lobotomy! / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | January 20, 2009 | Comments (72)

Hannah Montana: The Movie hits theaters on April 10th, facing off against Dragonball Evolution and Seth Rogen’s mall cop flick, Observe and Report. We’re really excited about the Hannah Montana movie around the Pajiba offices — The TV Whore just framed his Best of Both world’s movie poster above his desk. And you can catch Prisco humming her greatest hits while he’s snorting coke off of Phillip’s ass. “Me and Rico Down by the Schoolyard,” is one of his favorites, though I prefer “I am Hannah, Hear Me Croak.”

Anyway, as we prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for the cinematic experience of a lifetime, we’ve been given, exclusively (along with anyone who has YouTube access), access to the brand new trailer for the movie. That gives us a chance to introduce a new Pajiba Challenge. The task: See how long you can watch the trailer before either turning it off and throwing your employer’s computer out of a fifth story window or succumbing to violent, apoplectic seizures.

I currently hold the record in the Pajiba offices, making it a full one minute and 20 seconds before blacking out and waking up with 2007’s edition of Videohound’s Golden Retriever lodged half-way up my rectum. Thanks a lot, TK.

Watch it and weep, funboys:










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Comments

I think this is the first time I'm grateful for Websense blocking all kinds of clips.

Posted by: Sofía at January 20, 2009 10:29 AM

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0.5 seconds before the first seizure hit and the videos still playinngggggggggggggghdsfg
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Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 10:29 AM

Well, this isn't so bad. 10 Seconds in and going strong! Hey.. why are my hands trembling like that... wait, wait, everything is going grey. All sound has been muted, there's just her face, that... face, oh god, my vision is going (thank god I learned how to type without looking), oh, ohhh everything is shaking WTF THERE ARE NO EARTHQUAKES IN MICHIGAN, what's going on?? So much... pain.. everything.. fading... black--

Posted by: Fi at January 20, 2009 10:33 AM

Is that some kind of code, nadine? Don't make me go all Nash on your ass, 'cause I will.

Posted by: Sofía at January 20, 2009 10:34 AM

This is the next Lohan. I give her 14 months before we see crotch shots of her getting out of her limo at the Pomona Starbucks.

Posted by: ithurts!! at January 20, 2009 10:35 AM

Phew, im back. Im alive. I only bit through the tip of my tongue so that should be okay.

And oh Sofia, wont you go Nash on my ass anyway? If you can decode its secrets i'll give you a cookie. And I actually mean a cookie not some odd sexual favour.

That was the result of my hands and head mashing the keyboard at random intervals as i violently seized and bucked.

Somehow i managed to press send...interesting...

Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 10:37 AM

Wow! How Gidgit like. I predict a Sally Fields type career for Ms. Cyrus. It will be filled with in depth roles with developed characters. Ok maybe not, but she could really take on the remake the Smokey and the Bandit Movies along side Joshua Jackson.

Posted by: richmac at January 20, 2009 10:43 AM

oh wow. that gave me the goosebumps. the kind of goosebumps i get when i see something so god awful bad that i can't even laugh.

did i see tyra banks in that clip? does this girl sleep in a barn on a bale of hay? isn't she the daughter of the mullet guy who sang "achy-breaky heart"?

why does she wear the blond wig? why does she make those god damned faces?????? (you know what i mean! the face tilted to the side, eyes looking up in the other direction, shit eating grin.) i see blonde and brunette version of this idiotic "look" on DVDs, coffee mugs, and all manner of products at the store.

someone explain this to me, and then tell me what the jonas brothers are.

Posted by: glittergirl at January 20, 2009 10:44 AM

I once had a dream where Miley Cyrus was killed, and the cops from Law and Order SVU were investigating the case.

It was the happiest night of my life! For once, Miley Cyrus got to endure the agony she has put so many through.

Posted by: George at January 20, 2009 10:45 AM

:00. And I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me, thanks.

What? You meant who could watch the LONGest?

Oh. Then forget it.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 20, 2009 10:45 AM

Vision......yep.
Hands.......steady as a rock.
Heart Rate.......75 bpm.
Reflexes.........like a hunting kitty.

Well what do you know, I'm fine.


Wait.........what's this?......

IN MY PANTS!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Posted by: admin at January 20, 2009 10:45 AM

Honestly, I almost threw up at the 17 second mark. The bright colors the jarring lights. Plus I haven't eaten anything so my blood sugar's a little low.

But I don't care, bitches, because I JUST GOTS A SNOW DAY! Lick my metaphorical balls, fools. North Carolina can't tolerate an inch of snow so classes (and my work) have been cancelled!

Hey, does anyone else think it's weird that on Obama Inaguration Day, TBS is showing Cool Runnings? I mean, I know it's a kick ass movie, but really TBS, is this your example of Empowerment?

*rewatches John Candy & Doug E. Doug* God bless America's representation of Jamaicans.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 20, 2009 10:46 AM

The high quality button, it does nothing! It didn't change the quality of the content at all!

Clip your eyelids open and take an adrenaline shot to the heart if you have to. Make it to just before the one minute mark to witness a Tyra Banks guess appearance.

One of my eyes is now permanently crossed.

Posted by: branded at January 20, 2009 10:48 AM

I might have to give it a try, if only because it'll be a respite from the inane nattering on CNN.

*Clicks Play*

*Blinks*

Ok, despite waves of nausea, I actually got through the whole thing.

What? I owned Spice World on VHS, I have a high tolerance for stupid pop star movies.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 20, 2009 10:49 AM

someone explain this to me, and then tell me what the jonas brothers are.

I have no idea what the deal is with Miley Ray Cyrus, but I heard from my niece the other day that the Jonas Brothers are, and I quote here, "sooooooo dreamy, like, SO dreamy. You don't even understand. Aunt Clee, they are. SO HOT. Oh my GOSH."

Her emphasis, not mine.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 20, 2009 10:49 AM

Sonuvabitch. That trailer seared my corneas....now I have to go back to my ophthalmologist and get my LASIK redone. Thanks a pantload, Dustin.

Posted by: stardust savant at January 20, 2009 10:50 AM

One of my biggest issues with the Jonas thing, that..creature


Is that as well as their music being...well i assume awful since i never heard it, none of the creatures three heads are good looking.

No offence AT ALL to your niece Clee, but like...


ist it just me who thinks they look....a leetle bit retarded?

Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 10:54 AM

Speaking of Miley Cyrus and the Jones Brothers, they played the Kids Inaugural Ball last night. I think President Obama's first act in office should be to outlaw any and all merchandise or public appearances from either of the Disney Creations. Maybe Seth can draft a copy of the bill and send it to the new President.

Posted by: stardust savant at January 20, 2009 10:58 AM

*head explodes*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 20, 2009 10:59 AM

is it just me who thinks they look....a leetle bit retarded?

A little bit!? These motherfuckers went full, they ain't coming back.

Posted by: admin at January 20, 2009 11:00 AM

I'm still filled with rage from the first damn time I heard her stupid damn song. ''I've got you in my sights and I'm ready to aim?!" That's NOT HOW IT WORKS. If they are IN your SIGHTS you are already AIMING, unless you're just SO DAMN GOOD your sights land on them with NO HELP from you.

But then, many things probably happen with no help from her.

So basically, I'm not watching this clip. I refuse. I'm going to see my best friend out of state tomorrow, and a homicidal rampage today would probably ruin those plans.

Posted by: Gabs at January 20, 2009 11:02 AM

Oh nadine, no offense taken whatsoever. I was staring at the same poster she was when she said all this to me, and for real? They are... not cute. At all. Aside from their dead eyes abd their stupid afros, they dress like ignoramuses.

One was wearing a little vest and a skinny black necktie, another was wearing white jeans (!!) and a hot pink tee shirt under a blazer, and the other one was wearing a shiny silver suit.

I said to my niece, "Jetti, what exactly about them is hot?" To which she replied, "I don't know, they seem like, really sweet and stuff and I would DIE to make out with (one of their names; I can't remember!!"

To which I replied, "Girl, he would rather make out with Ryan Seacrest, I guarandamntee you."

So I don't know if the Jonas Brothers are retarded, but I do know that they've made my nieve retarded, and that offends me.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 20, 2009 11:05 AM

I can't be bothered to feel vitriol for Miley Cyrus. Meh. If she makes some little girls happy with her happy happy songs and her happy happy show, then so be it. Jesus, when I was a kid I wanted to be Barbara the ghost in Beetlejuice so I could scare people by tearing my face off and be married to Alec Baldwin.

Posted by: Julie at January 20, 2009 11:07 AM

And they made me retarded, too. I counted four typos in that post.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 20, 2009 11:07 AM

Im sitting here at work searching through about 1000-1500 CDs dating from 1998-now checking for images, all images and transferring them to a file. It is so dull my brain aches and my fingers have cramped into weird little claws like some arthritic chicken.
I know my boss has set me this work because she hates me and I know I will be doing this for the rest of the week before I either snap or have to go to hospital due to a boredom induced aneurysm.
However I will Gladly do this until the day I die as long as I never see that chipmunk faced, no talent, googly-eyed, soul destroying, jail bait, Billy Ray Cyrus pension fund little Beast ever again!

Noo, I concur they all look like they came out of the same Disney cloning machine after someone had left it on 5 minutes to long.....and used plasticine instead of skin.

Posted by: nieve at January 20, 2009 11:08 AM

Yeah also, on the subject of their dress

Gay Hipsters, anyone??


ooof im watching a live link of the inaugaration.

you GO OBAMA!

Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 11:08 AM

Hi Nieve.

Posted by: Nadine at January 20, 2009 11:10 AM

Gore-aphobes be damned:
First this, then this, and finally this. Now replace the explosion with busted up fingers and the lawnmower with a puddle of tears. Welcome to my summer job people: teaching Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers music to the under 6th grade crowd.

Posted by: Robert at January 20, 2009 11:10 AM

''So I don't know if the Jonas Brothers are retarded, but I do know that they've made my nieve retarded, and that offends me.''
......I..........What?

Posted by: Nieve at January 20, 2009 11:11 AM

She meant niece, Nieve. Not EVERYTHING is about you, GOD!

Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 11:13 AM

Oh Nieve. I'm so sorry they got their retarded on you too.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 20, 2009 11:14 AM

Many of you would say that I'm not any judge or what's good and what's not on the big and small screen, but my wife is as far below me as I am beneath all of you Pajiban Eloquents.

I mention it becuase our precious jewel of a daughter loves the disasterous Miley Cyrus, and we get roped into watching Hannah Montana about twice a month. This last pass my wife was watching it next to me on the couch, and she poked me. I ignored her a moment as I thought she was just, well, poking me, and she poked me again so I looked at her and she mouthed the words, "this shit is horrible. Worst acting e-v-e-r."

The Cyrus clan and their cast of misfits may be the most sadly un-talented group of people ever assembled to be recorded for ever and ever -- including most of the home movies shot across America at Christmas time this year. And the real tragedy is that somehow Selena Gomez play second fiddle to the idiotic mugging of Miley and her dim-witted associates.

And I made it all the way through the clip, but I have scabs over my eyes from watching the TV show. I came prepared.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at January 20, 2009 11:20 AM

Dude, did you just call me retarded?

Man, I cannot catch a break today its either work induced aneurysm or Hannah Montana induced retardism.

Posted by: nieve at January 20, 2009 11:22 AM

Nievie, tell tham about your friday night

Posted by: nadine at January 20, 2009 11:25 AM

Jesus, when I was a kid I wanted to be Barbara the ghost in Beetlejuice so I could scare people by tearing my face off and be married to Alec Baldwin.

You are doing yourself a mighty disservice comparing this beautiful sentence to that...whatever the hell that is.

Frankly, the Tyra cameo is hardly surprising (in fact, I hope she totally tries to make the movie focus on her, just for the Soup clips). What gets me is Vanessa Williams is in the goddamn movie. I think Disney may have some more risqué pictures of her, seeing as how many of these cutesy movies and shit she keeps doing for them. Then again, I can't see what could be more embarrassing than playing third fiddle to freaking Miley Cyrus and her pa.

You were in Eraser, woman!

Posted by: Vermillion at January 20, 2009 11:26 AM

"The high quality button, it does nothing! It didn't change the quality of the content at all!"

Branded, for the win.

Posted by: TK at January 20, 2009 11:32 AM

i went on the internets and found out that the jonas brothers wear tight, skinny "girl" jeans and one them has the diabeetus.

i think they are like the monkees in the 60's. or shaun cassidy / leif garret in the 70's. manufactured for parents to feel ok about allowing their kids to like.

(when i was a kid my mom got me a shaun cassidy poster and i was like, "who the hell is that?" she told me he was what little girls liked. i asked for a replacement poster, but apparently they didn't make bedroom posters of john belushi or vincent price. or so my mom said...)

Posted by: glittergirl at January 20, 2009 11:34 AM

And I actually mean a cookie not some odd sexual favour.

Well, that's no fun, nadine.

And I ain't watchin' that trailer. I'm already subjected to the series every fucking Saturday morning at work, and have the theme songs of all of the ABC Kids shows seared into my brain; it's an open and perpetually bleeding wound. One of the drawbacks of working master control for an ABC affiliate.

Posted by: Rykker at January 20, 2009 11:41 AM

I was at the pet store last night (we're getting a dog on Friday, Yay!) and noticed that they have Hannduh Montanduh dog beds, blankets and pillows.

Firstly: Your dog doesn't fucking care about what their dog bed looks like or who's on it. They're dogs, sometimes they eat their own poo.

Secondly: If you come home with one of these pieces of crap and your dog doesn't immediately tear off one of your limbs, put the dog down. There is obviously something very wrong.

Posted by: admin at January 20, 2009 11:54 AM

Hmm. No immediate ill after effects. I...I guess I'm okay. Oh not that I'm a fan, or have any interest in seeing this, I was just expecting to go into a seizure or something.

Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go jab my eyes with a white-hot poker so I won't ever have a reason to see anything like that ever again. Hope the rest of you have a great day!

Posted by: Green Lantern at January 20, 2009 12:32 PM

I had such high hopes for getting through it. If there had been dialogue, even crappy dialogue, I would've made it, because then at least there's something to mock. But lemme get this straight-Miley Cyrus plays a non-famous Miley Cyrus, but she also plays a pop star named Hannah Montana, and nobody notices that they're the same person because she has on a wig? I guess it's better than glasses... Or are they actually different people who just happen to be identical, like in Model Behavior?

Posted by: Sabrina at January 20, 2009 1:04 PM

Nope, Sabrina, the wig's the gig (i.e., your first guess is correct -- same person; Miley is Hannah, wigged-out.)

Posted by: Rykker at January 20, 2009 1:19 PM

I've only ever seen this broad on The Soup, but from that small exposure, I can only thank the gods that she didn't talk in the trailer. Although, if Tyra Banks is really in it, as the trailer showed, I think The Soup will implode under the perfect storm of self-absorption on display.

Posted by: Nate at January 20, 2009 1:28 PM

My four year old seems drawn to this nonsense. I have had no choice but to inculcate her poor little mind with the following madeupass Novenas:

Hannah Montana will look into my eyes and steal my soul.

Hannah Montana lipsyncs to tracks sung by Bea Arthur

Call me the Juliette Lewis of the Hannah Montana Deprog Movement. Wanna DVD?

Posted by: Stacy D at January 20, 2009 1:31 PM

How did you know I work on the 5th floor?

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at January 20, 2009 1:34 PM

God, I wish my parents had whored me out to make up for their own failures instead of letting me be normal.

If they did, maybe now I could complain about getting a second hand Porsche instead of my kick ass nanna being in the hospital. Better yet, I could buy her a new body and have her brain transplanted into it.
I wonder if there's anyone I could kidnap that wouldn't be missed...

Oh, and I made it all the way through that clip because I like to torture myself.

Posted by: bakers_dozen at January 20, 2009 1:46 PM

I've only ever seen this broad on The Soup

IT'S MILEY!!!

Posted by: Julie at January 20, 2009 1:57 PM

Got it, thanks Rykker.

IT'S STILL A FELONY!

Posted by: Sabrina at January 20, 2009 2:04 PM

OMFGROFLMAO! Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are the same person?

HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Posted by: Sofía at January 20, 2009 2:07 PM

Miley Cyrus IS a felony! No, not felon, I know what I'm saying here.

Btw, if the competition is still on, I made it to 0.58. I tried though, I really did, I even had the sound on, but then I didn't go into seizures, I just got overwhelmed with boredom.

Posted by: Joker at January 20, 2009 2:57 PM

Glittergirl, I'll tell ya what the Jonas Brothers are. They're years and years of genetic tinkering by Disney come to horrible, horrible fruition. They're a little bit of Hanson (band of brothers) mixed with the ridiculous hairdos of Nsync circa 1990's (Justin's 'fro, anyone?) and the awesome eyebrows of Joey Lawrence. Throw in a bit of Clay Aiken's mindboggling ability to command devotion from legions of female fans, despite the knowledge that none of them will ever have a chance with him (though, in the Jonas Bros. case, it's purity rings, not homosexuality, that bars the way), and BAM! You've got the recipe for the tweeny phenomenon.

That's what they are. As for why those ingredients can cause that reaction from young girls? *shrugs* Got me.

Posted by: Melissa at January 20, 2009 3:16 PM

0:11

That was the worst use of a guitar I've ever heard. I didn't even get to her singing.

I'm going to go read The Best Page in the Universe until the stupidity flushes out of my skull. You are my savior Maddox.

Posted by: George at January 20, 2009 3:22 PM

Did anyone else go for the gold like me and finish it? I don't get it, a donkey in a wig dances while bad guitar music plays and she makes fake poses for farm hands. And Tyra Banks? What, was her talk show in jeopardy? Did she go insane?
Will someone...

*KER-SPLAT!*

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at January 20, 2009 3:23 PM

I'm currently writing this from the library, since I have a full THREE HOUR BREAK before my next class starts, mostly because I'm a fucking idiot who can't make a schedule. Having watched this thing in it's entirety, I:

- Cried tears of acid

- Punched one of the librarians in the throat

- Attempted to chew through my own jugular

- Threw a chair out a window

- Killed at least six lab rats

- Burned down the Psychology section

- Wept hysterically in the shower

Aaaaaand that's about it. This movie will come out, making at least a hundred million domestic, then create a blackhole of suck that will destroy us all.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 20, 2009 3:26 PM

I have about two hours before it's too late to finish a tort essay that I haven't even started.

I watched the whole of that clip in order to put off starting said essay a little longer.

I think it's going to be even harder to become a lawyer now that I'm blind.

Posted by: Squeeziee at January 20, 2009 4:15 PM

41 seconds - What was the point of this exercise again??

Posted by: Austin at January 20, 2009 4:17 PM

So, various people went mad or had seizures, and Jeremy Feist pulled a Ballmer. Thankfully I got interrupted at the 39s mark before coming back to finish it. The bad clothes, bad guitars, bizarre poses and endless "fun" concert clips were just blah for me. I only perked up when farm animals entered the picture, then remembered that this was one of Disney's G-rated ventures and it'll be about 8.5 years before Miley Does the Farmasutra in eyeball-scarring, ear-assailing, PETA-baiting high definition. Now, had the actual soundtracks of each clip been played rather than a generic guitar overlay, three things would have happened here:
There would have been a hostage taking and/or rampage;
I might be arrested for mailing assorted explosives and excretia to various Disney personnel;
My buoyant post-inauguration good mood would be tarnished.

Thankfully none of those things have happened yet, although #2 might need to happen just in general principle.

Posted by: lordhelmet at January 20, 2009 4:41 PM

I thank the sky deity every day for not giving me any nieces. If I did, I would be forced to pay real money for Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers-themed crap.

The sad part is that as much as I find Miley Cyrus to be an annoying chipmunk with 2-pack a day smoker's voice, she will be Olsen Twins (minus the twin part). Thanks to all the 11-years old girls, Miley Cyrus will retire at age 21 and never have to work a day in her life. Life is so unfair.

Posted by: True_Blue at January 20, 2009 5:09 PM

I watched that whole thing, bitches. I like pain. Give me more, baby!

And Ms. Tyra is in that shit, y'all.

Posted by: Nadha at January 20, 2009 6:09 PM

"and nobody notices that they're the same person because she has on a wig? I guess it's better than glasses..."

Better how? For decades, glasses worked for Superman.

Makes me wonder just where the Daily Planet was getting its reporters, they couldn't recognize Superman right there in the newsroom. I'm betting WVU.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 20, 2009 6:33 PM

OK, :41 was as much as I could stand, even with the sound off. I'd rant, but then, when I was around the target-audience age for this crap we were listening to the Jackson 5ive, so I guess I have no room to talk.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 20, 2009 6:36 PM

'I've got you in my sights and I'm ready to aim?!"
That's NOT HOW IT WORKS. If they are IN your SIGHTS you are already AIMING
Maybe it was supposed to be: 'I've got you in my sights and I'm ready to shoot' a stirring song about a fledgling young assassin, and then they executive meddled?

Posted by: ChrisD at January 20, 2009 6:48 PM

Oh sweet zombie jesus NO.

Posted by: Mary at January 20, 2009 6:53 PM

I know Smiley Virus's unconvincingly-wigged alter ego is aimed at tweenies, so why does watching this clip make me feel like I now have herpes in my brain?

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at January 20, 2009 8:09 PM

The fact that the words "Hannah Montana" rhyme contains more musical and artistic talent than every album of this dreck piled together.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 20, 2009 8:38 PM

I wonder which will happen first? Coke, or she takes out a restraining order on Billy Ray?

Posted by: Pookie at January 20, 2009 9:59 PM

I watched the whole thing. I didn't even blink. How long have I been dead inside?

Posted by: jM at January 21, 2009 12:17 AM

I have to preface this by saying that it should be hard for any self-aware person to take a shot at another who goes by the name of "Hannah Montana" from behind the pseudonym of "Che Grovera". Will that slow me down? Stay tuned.

The machine sucks. The kid is not the machine. Wait. The kid is a willing participant (whether she realizes it or not). OK, so the kid sucks too. Death to the machine! Hold on -- does that mean we have to kill the kid? Suppose so. What's the term they use...oh yeah, "Collateral Damage."

Posted by: Che Grovera at January 21, 2009 12:28 AM

How long have I been dead inside?

Posted by: jM at January 21, 2009 12:17 AM

From the beginning, my sweet...

Posted by: Che Grovera at January 21, 2009 12:30 AM

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 20, 2009 6:33 PM

Yeah, and how stupid is that? Hair color can completely change someone's face. The glasses, they do nothing.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 21, 2009 12:21 PM

Snark all you want cuz this flick's gonna gross $200M domestic.

Posted by: stryker1121 at January 21, 2009 8:02 PM

The golf cart used in the movie by Miley during the very hilarious scene is being raffled off and proceeds go to cancer research. Go to www.FiestaSpanishHorse.org or www.gcivyamaha.com and see how you can win this one of a kind golf cart.
We thank Miley from the bottom of our hearts for autographing the front of the golf cart and making this happen.
Raffle is May 2, 2009 at the Los Angeles Equestrian Center.

Posted by: Steve Silverman at March 9, 2009 4:33 PM