free counter with statistics Halloween II Trailer | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

Rob Zombie H2 Movie.jpg
Serial Killer Mistakes: #43

Halloween II Trailer / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | June 22, 2009 | Comments (19)

Here’s a question for you: Say you’re a serial killer whose specialty is killing teenagers. And due to a history of near death experiences and their accompanying injuries, you’re not a very fast-moving serial killer. You also wear a mask, which doesn’t exactly help your peripheral vision. Anyway: You’ve got your sights on a half-dressed coed standing in front of a vanity in her bathroom. You quietly worked your way inside the house, and you managed to surreptitiously sneak up behind the coed. She’s yours for the kill. All you have to do is pull out that machete and add her head to the trophy box.

So, here’s the $25,000 question: Why do you wait until she closes the bathroom mirror and espies you behind her to lunge after her? Is it really incumbent upon you, as a serial killer, to follow horror movie tropes for the sake of a decent scare? Is the trade-off really worth it, if she takes off running you’ve got to lurch around the house with that bum knee of yours?

Here’s a piece of advice, Mr. Serial Killer man. Next time, rare back with that machete, and as soon as you see her closing the vanity mirror, take a swing. That way, you not only get the startling appearance of your own face in the mirror, but also that of her head flying through the air.

Anwyway, here’s the new trailer for Halloween II. It has been completed Rob Zombie’d out. Besides the title, there’s really very little left of the original’s spirit. Bah.



← Best Performances by a Senior Citizen | Inglourious Basterds Trailer 2 →



Comments

Duh. I admit I liked the first one, but, still, I ask, why did he bother calling it Halloween?

Posted by: George at June 22, 2009 6:13 PM

If I had been Norman Bates I wouldn't have waited for Janet Leigh to open the shower curtain before stabbing her face I would have gone knife handle deep THROUGH the motherfucking curtain. It would have been, gloriously, brutal.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 22, 2009 6:21 PM

Hey, maybe he stopped to look at himself in the mirror to check that his mask was on straight. But you never thought of THAT, hmmmmmmmm? Of course you didn't.

Posted by: figgy at June 22, 2009 6:29 PM

See Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon for a proper explanation of serial killer tropes.

Posted by: clocker at June 22, 2009 6:37 PM

Dustin, you'd make a shitty serial killer.

Any old ninja can sneak into someone's house, slip into someone's room and stab that person in the back with a shuriken or blowgun or sai or katana without the person ever knowing who killed them or why. Their target may even be dead before they realize their dead.

That's great for ninjas and/or assassins, but serial killers want more out of their life and your death. They live for that sudden look of wide-eyed terror when their prey realizes, at the very last moment, just who's standing behind them in the mirror. They love the smell of fear, the whimpering pleas, the thrill of the hunt, the cry of anguish when their prey trips over some leaves, the screams of frustratiand the rhythmic thud of their hand beating the steering wheel when their cars wont start.

This why they wait until the closet door or bathroom cabinet door is closed. This is why they walk instead of run. This is why they toy with their prey like a cat does with a mouse.

That's what separates serial killers from ninjas and assassins. It's not just a job for these people, it's their life, their art, their very reason for being.

Respect.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at June 22, 2009 6:51 PM

Remind me to never take a open a door, closet or otherwise set foot in Forbiddendonut's house.

That trailer was cut-edited to hell. I just watched "Let the right one in" and it reminded how short our attention span if nowadays.

Posted by: Vee at June 22, 2009 7:29 PM

Hey, as long as people are dying, I'm happy.

Speaking of which, I want a romantic comedy in which the main character blows his head off at the point where they break up and are then destined to get back together. That, would make me swoon.

Imagine that say, Garden State, they seperate at the airport, he boards his flight, then blows the motherfucker up. How bad ass would that movie be?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 22, 2009 7:40 PM

I dig Rob Zombie's music, but his movies just don't do a damn thing for me. So... meh.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 22, 2009 7:46 PM

Remind me to never take a open a door, closet or otherwise set foot in Forbiddendonut's house.

Posted by: Vee at June 22, 2009 7:29 PM

----------------------------------------------

Ditto

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 22, 2009 7:49 PM

It's probably the same thing that makes bad guys refuse to just shut the fuck up and shoot Bond in the head a dozen times already. Jeezum, the perfect Bond villain is Rube fucking Goldberg.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 22, 2009 8:01 PM

Malcolm McDowell really hated The Love Guru.

Clocker:

Behind the Mask wasn't too bad, but I had heard a lot of good things about it so was a little disappointed. If you haven't, you should try to read some of Carol Clover's stuff. She really gets into the workings of slasher films.

Posted by: Simon A at June 22, 2009 8:03 PM

..is michael myers wearing a goddamn hoodie?!

Posted by: samma at June 22, 2009 10:09 PM

Bah indeed, Mr Rowles. Bah indeed.

Posted by: redhead at June 23, 2009 12:53 AM

Meh.

Rob Zombie would actually get my attention if he turned Michael Myers into what he's always dreamed of becoming: a zombie. Mmmm, now there's a baddie who likes a good shuffle and lurch.

No, but seriously, how come all horror movies have the dumbest and crassest characters in the world? I groaned when I saw Dick Casablancas in Friday the 13th. I wanted to see a character like my god-damn mother; someone slightly infirm and likable, and someone I would squirm and scream to see toyed with and murdered in front of my eyes. I DEMAND to see a movie make likable characters that it offs! (Ironically, in a different light, A Game of Thrones would make a perfect horror movie with perfectly realized characters who die in terrible, terrible ways. AND it has incest!)

Posted by: noah at June 23, 2009 2:09 AM

They live for that sudden look of wide-eyed terror when their prey realizes, at the very last moment, just who's standing behind them in the mirror.

No, but see, in Dustin's version, he'd get that moment. Because a person's brain can still function for a few seconds after decapitation (or so I've heard). So the victim would, in one horrific second, see the killer, see the machete slice through her neck, and have time to realise she is dead. And the killer would see that in the mirror. Win-win.

Godtopus, I'm one sick bitch...

Posted by: Tarn at June 23, 2009 6:46 AM

Myer's carries a machete? What a ripoff.

In Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Lost World" they carry a machete. RIPOFF.

Geez, take a joke, will ya.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 23, 2009 9:42 AM

So, Rob Zombie takes another big steaming shit on a horror classic. In other news, the Earth isn't flat, Adam Lambert is gay, and Joan Rivers had plastic surgery.

Posted by: 8rustystaples at June 23, 2009 12:44 PM

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!

Posted by: Smokin at June 23, 2009 5:00 PM

I finally caught Rob Zombie's Halloween last night on Showtime and, yep, it's a total piece of shit. Not scary, pretty boring, and totally pointless. And I loved The Devil's Rejects and I liked House of 1000 Corpses. But come to think of it none of his movies are really scary. Mildly unpleasant at times, and they sure TRY to be tense but to be tense you have to have tension, suspense, etc. And when you show Michael in every scene of the movie it kind of removes any of the suspense. Like if the shark in Jaws was the main character and we saw it before it attacked all of the victims.

As for H2 it looks so far removed from the original I'm actually somewhat interested. But it will probably be awful too.

Posted by: TylerDFC at June 26, 2009 5:32 PM