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Gore, Baby, Gore

Glorious Splatter Action / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | March 19, 2009 | Comments (19)

Russell Mulcahy (Resident Evil: Extinction, The Scorpion King 2), who can charitably be described as a lousy director, has teamed up with Thomas Jane for a flick called, Give Em Hell, Malone. The logline is as bland and upchucky as you’d imagine from a Mulcahy and Jane flick — “A tough as nails private investigator (Malone) squares off with gangsters and their thugs to protect a valuable secret. Malone goes through hell to protect the information but he dishes some hell as well.” — but for two-and-a-half minutes, you can watch the promo reel and almost pretend that the final product will light a firecracker in your crotch.

It looks like a Grindhouse Beastie Boys video — there’s blood absolutely everywhere (NSFW). And while “Bad to the Bone,” has to be the most overused, obnoxious trailer song this side of Coldplay, it still works occasionally. This is one such occasion. I’m not sold on the movie, which comes out April 1st, but I am sold on the ultra-violent trailer.




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Comments

When did Ving Rhames turn into a car?

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 2:59 PM

Is that Stallone's car from Cobra?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 19, 2009 3:01 PM

Snath: I think Ving Rhames was the child molester van.

I concur with Dustin, the movie may very well suck, but that was a damned good trailer.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 19, 2009 3:13 PM

This movie looks stupid, violent, poorly acted, corny, morally reprehensible, plot-less, full of tits and ass, and it was probably shot with cell phone camera.

I can't wait to see it!

Posted by: George at March 19, 2009 3:15 PM

Hmm, you may be right. In which case:

When did Ving Rhames become a pink child molester van?

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 3:15 PM

Gotta see it. I love Elsa Pataky.

Posted by: sosumi at March 19, 2009 3:19 PM

When did Ving Rhames become a pink child molester van?

His agent thought it may be his best career option.

"No really Ving. Then you can just get painted to suit the roll. You'll be in Give Em Hell, Malone., Scoobie Doo 3: Dog Duty and The A-team! You'll be getting so much Mazda Miata ass you'll bust your sliding door."

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 3:24 PM

Blood geysers, defenestration, car crashes, no CGI? I am so there.

Posted by: James at March 19, 2009 3:56 PM

Wait...there was a Scorpion King TWO?!?!

Posted by: Jen at March 19, 2009 4:36 PM

No. There was no Scorpion King II. No matter what anyone tells you, no matter what comes up on IMDB, no matter what's in that stupid red box at the supermarket, Scorpion King II never existed. No, no, no.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 19, 2009 4:42 PM

It was a sequel to the prequel that wasn't the original.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 19, 2009 4:44 PM

That's a shame. Thomas Jane is a great name.

Posted by: Lucas at March 19, 2009 5:29 PM

You'll be getting so much Mazda Miata ass you'll bust your sliding door.

admin, are you implying that Ving Rhames likes to have sex with middle-aged, gay, white men?

Posted by: dave at March 19, 2009 5:33 PM

Dave: I think admin was being quite literal: Ving Rhames likes to have sex with Mazda Miatas.

Now that's a comment diversion for the ages: if forced into auto-erotica, with which car would you make sweet fender bender love?

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 19, 2009 6:19 PM

I just want my kids back.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at March 19, 2009 8:26 PM

I didn't watch the trailer, because it seemed like kind of a lot of work to hit play 'n shit, but was there any indication that this movie had any giant, mutated sharks? Because if not, I totally don't care. As far as I know, Thomas Jane has made exactly one good movie (which I never watched because I don't care about baseball) and one horribly awesome movie (in which he played second fiddle to a CGI shark gang). There are really only five things which can compensate for complete and utter lack of quality:

1. Creatures eating people
2. Dance numbers (especially dance-offs)
3. Swordfights
4. The Rock
5. Tim Curry

If there ever existed a movie which combined all of those things, it would possibly supplant Clue as my favourite movie in the history of ever.

This movie, though? No sharks, no deal. Unless there's a dance-off.

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 1:11 AM

Bloody hell Stipe, it's going to take a while to get used to your handle.

Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 2:45 AM

Yeah, admin, I'm in favor of him using Stipe42 for his comments and his real name for his posts, a la Prisco (shit, wait--does Prisco still use insertclevernamehere for commenting? That was Prisco, right?), or kind of like The Boozehound, who is up to 4 names the last time I checked: his real name, which we don't know; socalledonlycousins, his old commenting handle; Ted Boynton, his non-Boozehound posting name and the name he now usually uses for commenting; and of course, The Boozehound Cinefile, aka, the Boozehound.

Wait, what I was I talking about? Oh yeah, Stipe42. It's totally ok to use two names.

Posted by: tamatha at March 20, 2009 11:43 AM

The real movie trailer will be out soon, this is just the teaser.

Waiting on Malcahy to finish his cut.

Movie to be out in May.

Ving drives a 69 Ford Mustang Mach 1. I know this because it is my car.

His name is just listed because when this teaser was made, Ving was not on set yet.

Hope this helps.

Posted by: Jeff at April 1, 2009 11:56 PM