MTV debuted a new extended G.I. Joe clip last night during the Movie Awards, and my God: The marketing people should be shot. The movie is going to be terrible — there’s no questions about that. And the worst thing that a marketing team can do is actually show you over and over how bad it is. You can do the best you can with well-edited trailers (and even those are bad), viral campaigns, and little featurettes, like Wolverine did. Those guys were smart enough (but for the leak of a workprint) to keep extended clips away from the public. But this — nearly two uninterrupted minutes of the movie, is the absolute worst idea. And if these are two of the best minutes of the movie, then this movie is in even bigger trouble that we could have ever imagined.
Watch this — it will erase even the smallest bit of curiosity you have about seeing the movie and even completely kill the nostalgia factor. And let me reiterate: Stephen Sommers, y’all. For those special times when you can’t afford an actual director.
I would again point out the lack of Shipwreck, Shipwreck's talking parrot or the evil clone of Shipwreck's talking parrot as proof that this is not G.I. Joe.
I'll still watch it, but it will forever amaze me to know that those in "The Biz" can take an existing product that should sell itself and tea-bag the shit out of it until all it resembles is a scrotal-hair covered turd.
Posted by: admin at June 1, 2009 2:16 PM
I think that's the reason I can honestly say I'll watch it: it's not G.I. Joe. I'm pretending the name is "similar" but that in actuality it is a completely different product. Every clip or trailer I see confirms that I won't have to pretend all that hard.
Ok, the environments look terrible, the plot is crap...who the fuck...
This makes me sad, I was a huge Joe fan growing up. What they should do is strip the G.I. Joe out of the title, change the characters names, and make this some stupid Hollywood bullshit movie.
Why the need for gay super suits? Why the need for shit dialogue, "Get out! Like the shoes."
Not to mention the movement in the suits? There is enough CGI to make the entire movie animated...should have gone that route.
Remember, knowing is half the battle. Now that we know, we are halfway to not seeing this movie.
Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 1, 2009 2:23 PM
So this is basically a live-action remake of Team America: World Police?
Posted by: enorquest at June 1, 2009 2:27 PM
Well said, Genny.
Also, is Sienna Miller really in this movie? I keep seeing articles that say she is, but I cannot for the life of me recognize her. Which is stupid, because literally the only thing she has going for her is her looks, so covering that up just seems pointless.
Marra, Sienna Miller is the one with the dark wig and glasses on wearing a weird black suit thing. So, yeah, they did everything possible to keep her from looking like Sienna Miller.
Yeah, Marra, Sienna was the brunette in the clip. She made the lame "Like the shoes" quip.
What the hell were they wearing in that? They looked like robots. Lame robots.
I just can't say "lame" enough.
Posted by: Melissa at June 1, 2009 2:41 PM
If you guys want "real" G.I. Joe, I can't endorse the Warren Ellis-written G.I. Joe: Resolute enough. I think you can watch it on the Adult Swim website. It is the best G.I. Joe stuff I've ever seen. No lasers, no stupid suits like the movie, just awesome.
I'm taking the rest of the day off and heading over to Toys-R-Us, where I'm going to buy all the figures and vehicles from the new movie. All of them. When I get home, I'm going to pull out all my old GI Joe toys and vehicles from storage. Then, I'm going to pour myself a stiff drink, head out to the backyard and have a drunken Old Joes versus New Joes war that will more than likely end in me drunk, naked, and half the yard engulfed in flame. I may end up losing the garage, I dunno - depends how loaded I get and how much gasoline I can siphon out off the lawnmower...
Posted by: Skitz at June 1, 2009 2:47 PM
(*Note to self: pick up gauze and burn salve on the way home...)
Also, I'm so goddamn embarrassed for Christopher Eccleston right now that I can't even see straight. I'll be in my bed, weeping for shame into my pillow.
Wait, Snath. Wait. Warren Ellis wrote for GI-Joe and they picked anyone else ever to write the script for this garbage?
Fuck me sideways.
Posted by: twig at June 1, 2009 2:57 PM
The complete lack of Eccleston in that preview made me sad.
Posted by: JGirl at June 1, 2009 2:59 PM
That's inspiring Skitz. If you survive this encounter perhaps you could do an Old Transformer vs. New Transformer Battle Royal.
Then the ultimate: New Joe vs. New Transformer Ultimate Suckoff Showdown Rumble.
The sheer volume of suck in one place should create a malestrom capable of removing all those associated with this garbage from the planet. Or it'll just wreck your fence.
Posted by: admin at June 1, 2009 3:01 PM
"Then the ultimate: New Joe vs. New Transformer
Ultimate Suckoff Showdown Rumble."
I'll probably need help for that one - not so much as in setting up the battle, but for pulling chunks of melted plastic and firework shrapnel out of my skin when the whole thing winds down... Interested Applicants should bear in mind I'll be in the nude and drunk. Also, when I'm loaded, I can't be held responsible for anything Minimus may or may not do...
However, the job includes a free lunch! Lunch! For free!
Posted by: Skitz at June 1, 2009 3:20 PM
Jgirl - thanks, now I don't need to watch it. Figgy had me worried. Eccleston fans, I'm sure if we wait long enough all his scenes will be on YouTube and we never need to watch this monstrosity.
"Remember, knowing is half the battle. Now that we know, we are halfway to not seeing this movie.
Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 1, 2009 2:23 PM
So this is basically a live-action remake of Team America: World Police?
Posted by: enorquest at June 1, 2009 2:27 PM"
i was all ready to say that alphawhiskey had the best comment until i saw enorquest's below it. now i'm torn, but definitely not seeing g.i.joe. i used to wanna be scarlet growing up-i can't even imagine how they'll screw her up. and sienna can go f' herself....i'm from pittsburgh-she's dead to me.
Posted by: gem at June 1, 2009 3:29 PM
Warren Ellis wrote for GI-Joe and they picked anyone else ever to write the script for this garbage?
Honestly. Just give the man the GDP of Canada, lock him in a room for a year, and throw whatever scraps of language he has produced on the screen. The End.
I feel I have long established my disdain for the remake/adaptation hate that pervades the site, but I can only accept so freaking much. Plus, if the bad guys managed to STILL beat the super-suit wearing heroes, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE GODDAMN SUPERSUITS?!?!?!!?!!
Oh God, they are going to hype the hell out of those suits, when in reality the suits will only be used for 10 minutes and then dumped because it was a stupid fucking idea, aren't they?
We've already got Star Trek, and we've already got Up...there's still a summer left to look forward to?
Oh right...Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
But after that it's all done, right? This is a September release, right? Honestly, I like Steven Sommers "batshit insane and so loud it's awesome" spectacles in the past...but I can't even become the slightest bit excited for this one. Why Doctor...why?
For those of you who've always wondered if a movie can be so bad that its trailer alone causes penile shrinkage and anal leakage, the answer is a resounding "yes."
Damn you, GI Joe...
Posted by: David at June 1, 2009 4:37 PM
Damn you, Snath! You know I can't resist blue text.
Posted by: jM at June 1, 2009 4:40 PM
Posted by: Snath at June 1, 2009 4:08 PM
That has to be the most fucktarded thing I have ever seen.
Skitz, I'm so coming over after school today. I'll bring my magnifying glass. Admittedly, I was never allowed to try it's melting powers on my brother's G.I. Joes, but I destroyed many a plastic army man. Actually, while I'm at it I'll make sure to borrow my neighbor's power tools too. (seriously...how did I survive childhood? And why didn't my parents do something to stop me when they saw what I'd done to my toys?)
And jM I for one am hoping the mask conceals his face well enough that I kind pretend he's not actually in this movie.
Posted by: s. pisaster at June 1, 2009 5:30 PM
My favourite character was Snake Eyes. I always had a thing for the dangerous, silent type. If he's in the trailer i have no intention of watching it, thereby keeping my memories of Snake Eyes rectitude and awesomeness intact.
Posted by: Four Eyes at June 1, 2009 6:44 PM
Damn it I meant 'reticence'! This is what happens when I make a comment after reading anything about Twilight!
I start thinking about morally correct and prudish (to the point of inactivity) type of behaviour!
Posted by: Four Eyes at June 1, 2009 6:48 PM
I kinda like what they did with Sienna Miller; she was the only reason I paid the trailer any attention, which was rapt, as I tried to figure out who the sexy little brunette bad-ass in black was.
I had a GI Joe with Kung-Fu Grip when I was a lad (circa 1974), and the Sea Wolf, which was tub-worthy, and big enough that GI Joe with Kung-Fu Grip could pilot her. He sometimes came to odds with my Steve Austin, who regularly tried to steal the Sea Wolf for OSI.
But I was too old to notice the cartoon, by the time it came around, so however it is that they have raped y'all's memories, you have my sincere condolences.
Posted by: Rykker at June 1, 2009 7:17 PM
Thanks Rykker, now all I can think of is:
G.I. Joe swimming under water a cave and a big brown shark.
Posted by: admin at June 1, 2009 7:57 PM
Can anyone explain to me what Sienna Miller is doing in this? Is she playing to type? By which I mean: cheap prostitute. Is this a documentary-action film?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 1, 2009 8:22 PM
there's still a summer left to look forward to?
Public Enemies
District 9
Moon
Posted by: Fredo at June 1, 2009 11:14 PM
Were the filmmakers aware that there are special effects studios that don't make your film look extremely low budget and utterly unbelievable? Transformers 2 may be a retarded popcorn fest, but at least everything will look realistic. Everything in that footage was laugh out loud awful.
Posted by: Venture82 at June 2, 2009 1:58 AM
Wait, wait, wait! Do we not get to see JGL face at all in this movie?!
Also, aren't the French pissed about the Eiffel tower scene? I mean I sure would be if that were the.... umm... I'm Canadian, so the um... CN Tower?
Posted by: io at June 2, 2009 6:32 AM
Ha. Apparently, Jared Padalecki was offered the lead in this and turned it down. Possibly the only intelligent decision that boy's agent has ever made.
Posted by: embertine at June 2, 2009 6:51 AM
I don't get the "love" for this franchise anymore than I do Transformers. The cartoons sucked hard. The characters were retarded cyphers. A sailor Joe with a parrot?!
I doubt this one will make me feel differently, no matter how they pimp mah toys.
Posted by: Protoguy at June 2, 2009 3:18 PM
Were those the real sound effects? Good God, the '80's cartoon had better sound when the cable was on the fritz.
Posted by: Dristan at June 2, 2009 7:28 PM
Every time I watch this series now, I want Cobra to win.
Meh, I'll watch it. It looks better than I expected, actually. Obviously my hopes were pretty rock-bottom.