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Five Days Of War Trailer: Yes, That Is Hollywood's Newest Terror -- Giant Val Kilmer

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (20)

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Yeah, yeah, the header was a cheap shot. Cram it.

So here’s the thing about Renny Harlin: He’s not a particularly good director. Sure, he’s made some entertaining films — The Long Kiss Goodnight remains a clever and enjoyable classic, and God knows I love every dumb fucking minute of Deep Blue Sea. But he also directed Cutthroat Island, Die Hard 2, The Covenant, and the direct-to-DVD shitstravaganza Mindhunters (which is way worse than you’ve heard).

So when I hear that he’s actually tackling a serious subject, I get nervous as fuck, because, as I said once before, he’s a B-movie director who routinely receives A-movie funding. It appears that’s happened again, with his new film, Five Days Of War. The film is about journalists covering the Russo-Georgian War of 2008, and as usual for these types of film, it’s a glossy, action-heavy kaboomfest that paints the journalists as affable rogues. In reality, the war was a brutal, vicious war that the Human Rights Commission claims was replete with war crimes and indiscriminate bombings and shootings of civilian targets, displaced thousand of people, and was an utter clusterfuck and period of misery.

The movie seems to focus on explosions, with some drama thrown in. Also, Val Kilmer after eating all the popcorn from Real Genius.

Here’s the trailer:

New rule: Any movie with Heather Graham in a serious role — nay, in any role — gets an automatic Razzie. It’s hard to believe that after Boogie Nights people actually thought she was talented. Sheesh.

Also, Dean Cain is in this.

I believe you know all you need to know.

Now bow to your king.

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Comments

It is not all I need to know. Isn't the camera man that cute Jeff guy from Coupling? Is there a chance that at some point in the movie he will announce that "lesbians are porn efficient"? I need deets, man.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 7, 2011 9:15 AM

It went straight to DVD here in the UK.

Needless to say, it's shit.

Posted by: Alex the not so odd at July 7, 2011 9:28 AM

Andy Garcia sighting

Posted by: D-Day at July 7, 2011 9:29 AM

To steal a line, it looks like a bunch of farts decided to put on a Val Kilmer costume and hit the town.

And Marlon Brando in a King Honky outfit has nothing to do with anything, buddy.

Posted by: Kballs at July 7, 2011 9:39 AM

Wow. This movie has so much wrong with it I'm just... Wow this looks... really bad. And I mean bad in a BAD way.

Posted by: logan at July 7, 2011 9:48 AM

Heather Graham in a serious role....hmm. A pair of panties and some glasses is my guess as to what her method will consist of.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 7, 2011 10:18 AM

I'm with Mrs. Julien. He left after three seasons and stuck us with Oliver for shit like this? What of the porn jelly, Jeff? What of The Zone or the Melty Man? WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE VISUAL ACCESS ANGLE?

Posted by: Courtney at July 7, 2011 10:40 AM

The young guy in that poster looks like a slightly hotter and taller Frankie Muniz.

Posted by: Will at July 7, 2011 11:06 AM

How does Kilmer put 73% of the popcorn bulk into his jowls? Is this some metabo-tech in the deleted scenes from Real Genius, or an unfilmed Bat-gizmo? Or he's a mutant?

In any case, he must be taken to a lab right now. The stuff they're finding in odd little critters these days - barnacle glue, salamander growth factor & of course vampire blood, which does wonders for the complexion - I want me my Sargent Skeer spot-bulking cream before the lunger dies.


Also, the Georgian war was mostly about oil, slightly about hegemony, amplified by simmering ethnic conflicts and guided by incompetence.

Granted, my Bulgarian friends who say so are grim fatalists, as folks from that neighborhood tend to be, but that doesn't make them wrong.

The uppity breakaways trying to build another pipeline would have lost Russia their cut of the Oil & Natural Gas that runs Western Europe. The stuff they don't get from Libya, that is.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 7, 2011 11:50 AM

Do I spy Rupert Friend in that head photo? Rupert Friend who played the Had-it-goin-way-the-fuck-on Prince Albert in The Young Victoria? Rupert Friend whom I neglected to mention in the suh-weet couple chemistry thread a few days ago (He and Emily Blunt had lots of cute flirty simmer goin on in that movie). Rupert, much as you pique my interest, I cannot see this movie because of the vaguely Kilmerian Jabba the Hut creature next to you in said header photo.

Val...if you're in there...I...I... I miss you. The real you. The hot you. The smug-cute you.

Posted by: klingonfreek at July 7, 2011 12:18 PM

Aw, klingonfreek, that "vaguely Kilmerian Jabba the Hut" comment managed to elicit a VERY rare "ell-oh-ell" out of me (er - more like a snicker-out-loud, but eh, I'm in a cubicle).

It reminded me of the fact that I USED to have a picture of him on my bedroom wall - clipped from a "Parade Magazine" cover in the Sunday paper (CLASSY, classy, classy). He was married to Joanne Walley (sp?) at the time.

I colored out her face with a black sharpie. So I could imagine myself with him? Back in "The Saint" days? To see him now....well. Wow. To see him now....

Posted by: heatheradair at July 7, 2011 2:29 PM

Holy shit Madmartigan let himself go.

Posted by: elleinad at July 7, 2011 3:45 PM

But...but...Did Hard 2 is my favorite Die Hard movie.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 7, 2011 5:02 PM

Why the Die Hard 2 hate? Even Bruce Willis has said DH2 sucked. I liked it..I liked it a lot.

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 7, 2011 6:44 PM

Boris The Blade!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 7, 2011 9:19 PM

There's so much wrong here, I don't know where to start.

Also, why is Val Kilmer giving us an upskirt? I mean, sure, he has a girl's name, but that doesn't mean he has to act like a girl.

Posted by: MM at July 7, 2011 10:05 PM

needs moar sharktopus.

Posted by: gp at July 7, 2011 11:28 PM

Die Hard 2?! Really? Where am I?

Posted by: Protoguy at July 8, 2011 5:04 AM

Is it just me or is Val Kilmer's neck trying to eat his head?

Posted by: BadLuckMurphy at July 8, 2011 11:12 AM

New rule: Any movie with Heather Graham in a serious role — nay, in any role — gets an automatic Razzie.

So Bowfinger gets a Razzie? Huh. Yeah, fuck you, TK.

Posted by: Vermillion at July 10, 2011 9:51 AM