Finally, a Dark and Edgy Mermaid Movie: Empires of the Deep Trailer
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Finally, a Dark and Edgy Mermaid Movie: Empires of the Deep Trailer

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | October 24, 2012 | Comments ()


Being someone who is dark and edgy himself (I've got a leather jacket AND sunglasses, yo), I can appreciate that just about anything might be improved by darkness and edginess. Even Strawberry Shortcake. But a gritty tale of a mermaid civil war ... not even if you cast Viggo Mortensen as Namor.

So here's what you get with $130 million these days:

Wow. It's like someone looked at all the terrible big budget films of the last few years, gathered their determination, and swore to their father's grave in a cry of pure anguish "I swear father. I. Can. Do. Worse."

First, there is a singular moment of almost coolness when the big ol fish are being filmed as if they are an armada of star cruisers. And then your brain adjusts and thinks, yeah but fish like that are like a few feet long. Which then makes you see all the elaborate CGI battles as being between tiny little armies of adorable miniatures. You just can't take a swelling dramatic score of an epic battle seriously when your brain is insisting that the scale is small enough to fit in that mossy kiddie pool down at the Y. You just want to pick up and cuddle the pretty shiny things. I had to pause it when I got to the point when the legions of wittle bitty fish charge each other. Charge of the Guppies!

The end result of that line of thought is that this must be the documentary record of the war between Sea People civilizations in Cartman's brine shrimp farm.

Second, the other thing that punctures that ever so brief moment of interest is that there appears to be laser fire. And explosions. It's like they took a battle from Star Wars and cut and pasted in fish over the Star Destroyers. Unless I have missed an exciting subculture of seafood preparation, I don't believe that fish explode when you shoot them with a laser. But we may need an episode of "Mythbusters" to be sure.

By Cthulu, someone actually managed to make Aquaman seem cool in comparison.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • rumcove

    Could this be an elaborate spoof? (AKA The Producers)
    Could the movie be so bad that it draws huge audiences to see how bad it really is?

  • NynjaSquirrel

    /sigh - you're all missing the point. Olga Kurylenko.

  • Quatermain

    I don't know, it looks like it might shape up into 5 bucks worth of spectacle and Olga Kurylenko is generally worth looking at. Besides, I'd think that anyone who paid to see Avatar(and no, it doesn't count if you paid to see it 'ironically') wouldn't really have a stone to throw at this particular glass house.

  • Rochelle

    Apparently, this movie has been in production for over two years

  • David Sorenson

    Did something happen in that trailer? It kinda looked like things were happening, but I have no idea what they were or why they were happening. It's like someone finally found a script too stupid for Michael Bay or Uwe Boll and decided to film it anyway.

  • Gina

    Let's see - big dramatic action, barely a hint of the plot, and of course, the dramatic "Carmina Burana" ripoff music.

    Any more points this trailer can hit?

  • ,

    If the CIA ever needs to get six hostages out of Atlantis, I think I have a cover story the Atlantans might fall for ...

  • googergieger

    I think I remember liking an Anime called Mermaid Forrest growing up. Then again I'm still feeling the residual effects of a pretty strong pain killer I took last night.

  • BWeaves

    Methinks that guy who used to write query letters to Managerguy from the old blog "Query Letters I Love" finally got a script green lighted. You know, the guy who had stories about sharks with chicken feet and red eyes and lasers strapped to their heads. That guy.

  • Ian Fay

    Hey, Brave and the Bold Aquaman's cool.

    Outrageous, even!

  • Nadine

    You know what I took away from that? CRAAAAAAAAAAAB. PEEEEOPLE.

  • meh

    ....I really wanted to see a merman.

  • Those things are terrifying. And the clean up on them is a nightmare.

  • TK

    Well played.

  • Mrcreosote

    Maybe they spent some of that 130 million on THE DAMN SCRIPT rather than the effects. After all for all the money spent on Avatar the plot, characters, and dialog were no better than a middle of the road Roger Corman movie. This could be a fascinating and complex tale of the inevitable conflict of two expanding empires competing for limited resources. It could focus on the hapless cultures caught between these two massive forces and how they cut deals and play one against the other to maintain their independence and integrity. Or the tragedy of inevitable war and the horrific choices therein. Of the resources lost, the lives cut short, the civilizations reduced to a constant state of preparing or recovering from pointless battles over a few meters of pointless sea bed. An "All Quiet on the Western Reef" if you will.
    sigh-it's all gonna be boobies and 'splosions isn't it?

  • Quatermain

    "it's going to be all boobies and 'splosions, isn't it?" You say that like it's somehow a bad thing.

  • True_Blue

    ...and body paint.

  • Strand

    I see better specials effects in amateur fan projects. Since there's virtually no cast to speak of, where the hell did all their money go?

  • Murderbot

    Hookers and blow, most likely.

    And I just realized, I'd much rather watch a Bowfinger style movie about the making of this movie. Starring Mark Paul Gosselaar and Adam Pally as two sleazy, no talent execs desperately trying to make their names in the movie biz by getting their crappy Avatar ripoff into theatres.

    It could be called something like Studio Boys and the trailer would be cut to "Anyway you want it" by Journey!

  • TheOriginalMRod

    The only thing that would make this cheesier is if they added Nazis. And those costumes look like something purchased from the dollar store. Clearly the $130 million was spent on the... dude... what????

  • competitivenonfiction


  • Fabius_Maximus

    #Zombie Nazis.

  • this looks so wonderfully terrible

  • Dave Dorris

    Or terribly wonderful.

  • Dave Dorris

    I'm not sure about the math, but I think the "wonderfuls" might cancel out.

  • stardust

    What even is that picture? Is that from the set? It looks like costume rejects from Weeki Wachee.

  • I'm putting the over/under on the amount of times AVATAR was mentioned during the production/selling of this movie at infinity.

  • MurderBot

    Are you 100% certain that this isn't some kind of parody of modern blockbuster movies. I mean, I don't see like, a CollegeHumor logo anywhere or anything but come on. Really?! It's for serious! Can't be, right?

  • athena23

    I have to agree. Release date is April 1, right?

  • Snath

    Unless I have missed an exciting subculture of seafood preparation, I don’t believe that fish explode when you shoot them with a laser.

    Laughing so hard.

  • Resa Anderson

    Olga, sweetie, did you lose a bet?

  • Frank

    I'm glad that Strawberry Shortcake picture still exists even though the guys at Penny Arcade aren't allowed to show it.

  • I knew some kinda junk like this was going down in my Koi Pond.

  • PuraPuma

    Why are they standing? Shouldn't they be floating? Do they have special powers that keep them at the bottom of the sea? Why do things look like they are flying instead of swimming?
    This is all just so stupid.

  • 724wd

    'Do they have special powers that keep them at the bottom of the sea?'

    yeah, kinda like a crab... not everything floats.

  • PuraPuma

    True. Good point. So they are shell fish mermaids. That's a twist!

  • jcoa2

    That's a river behind them. Those are low-life, freshwater mermaids.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Thus we have a chronicle of the war of mutual extinction between the Sea Monkeys and The Snorks.

  • zeke_the_pig

    A live action version of Spongebob would look more serious than this.

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