Finally, a Dark and Edgy Mermaid Movie: Empires of the Deep Trailer
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Finally, a Dark and Edgy Mermaid Movie: Empires of the Deep Trailer

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trailers | October 24, 2012 | Comments ()


Being someone who is dark and edgy himself (I've got a leather jacket AND sunglasses, yo), I can appreciate that just about anything might be improved by darkness and edginess. Even Strawberry Shortcake. But a gritty tale of a mermaid civil war ... not even if you cast Viggo Mortensen as Namor.

So here's what you get with $130 million these days:

Wow. It's like someone looked at all the terrible big budget films of the last few years, gathered their determination, and swore to their father's grave in a cry of pure anguish "I swear father. I. Can. Do. Worse."

First, there is a singular moment of almost coolness when the big ol fish are being filmed as if they are an armada of star cruisers. And then your brain adjusts and thinks, yeah but fish like that are like a few feet long. Which then makes you see all the elaborate CGI battles as being between tiny little armies of adorable miniatures. You just can't take a swelling dramatic score of an epic battle seriously when your brain is insisting that the scale is small enough to fit in that mossy kiddie pool down at the Y. You just want to pick up and cuddle the pretty shiny things. I had to pause it when I got to the point when the legions of wittle bitty fish charge each other. Charge of the Guppies!

The end result of that line of thought is that this must be the documentary record of the war between Sea People civilizations in Cartman's brine shrimp farm.

Second, the other thing that punctures that ever so brief moment of interest is that there appears to be laser fire. And explosions. It's like they took a battle from Star Wars and cut and pasted in fish over the Star Destroyers. Unless I have missed an exciting subculture of seafood preparation, I don't believe that fish explode when you shoot them with a laser. But we may need an episode of "Mythbusters" to be sure.

By Cthulu, someone actually managed to make Aquaman seem cool in comparison.

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