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January 15, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | January 15, 2009 |

According to the Fast & Furious universe, all problems can be solved through drag racing. You fuck a guy’s sister, well, beat him in a drag race and you’re all square. If you kill a dude, just beat his wife in a drag race and you’re even Steven. It’s great — kind of like the Catholics’ version of confession.

To the point: Here’s the new full-length trailer for Fast & Furious — it’s shitballs retarded. The first minute tracks Paul Walker chasing a Hispanic dude across a lot of rooftops before pushing him off of three stories, crushing a car, and immediately standing up and pointing a gun at him. Really? But that’s not even the most absurd scene in the trailer (that would be Vin Diesel driving under a rolling 18-wheeler).

I used to kind of dig Vin Diesel — both Pitch Black and especially The Boiler Room are guilty pleasure of mine. But that got old fairly quick — despite some early box-office clout, the man never bothered to make anything decent, and now he’s been forced to go back to a franchise he bailed out of after the first film. Also, maybe I’m completely dreaming this, but I seem to recall that Kevin Smith — at one of his Q & A sessions in L.A.,— revealed that he knew about a well-known action star at the time who had this weird fetish where he liked to lay under glass coffee tables while a woman dropped a deuce on top of them (Seth was with me; perhaps he can confirm). Anyway, he never said who it was, but I’ve always assumed that was Vin Diesel. And now I can’t see his movies without thinking about it.

Anyway, here it is. Laugh it up, funboys. And you can take that lovely image with you into the trailer.

Does This Man Have a Fecal Fetish? / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | January 15, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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