January 15, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trailers | January 15, 2009 |

According to the Fast & Furious universe, all problems can be solved through drag racing. You fuck a guy’s sister, well, beat him in a drag race and you’re all square. If you kill a dude, just beat his wife in a drag race and you’re even Steven. It’s great — kind of like the Catholics’ version of confession.

To the point: Here’s the new full-length trailer for Fast & Furious — it’s shitballs retarded. The first minute tracks Paul Walker chasing a Hispanic dude across a lot of rooftops before pushing him off of three stories, crushing a car, and immediately standing up and pointing a gun at him. Really? But that’s not even the most absurd scene in the trailer (that would be Vin Diesel driving under a rolling 18-wheeler).

I used to kind of dig Vin Diesel — both Pitch Black and especially The Boiler Room are guilty pleasure of mine. But that got old fairly quick — despite some early box-office clout, the man never bothered to make anything decent, and now he’s been forced to go back to a franchise he bailed out of after the first film. Also, maybe I’m completely dreaming this, but I seem to recall that Kevin Smith — at one of his Q & A sessions in L.A.,— revealed that he knew about a well-known action star at the time who had this weird fetish where he liked to lay under glass coffee tables while a woman dropped a deuce on top of them (Seth was with me; perhaps he can confirm). Anyway, he never said who it was, but I’ve always assumed that was Vin Diesel. And now I can’t see his movies without thinking about it.

Anyway, here it is. Laugh it up, funboys. And you can take that lovely image with you into the trailer.

I Live Life a Quarter-Mile at a Time

Does This Man Have a Fecal Fetish? / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | January 15, 2009 | Comments ()

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