Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the first entry in 2009’s “Dumbest Title” contest… Echelon Conspiracy! Seriously, much as I enjoyed Quantum of Solace, I fear it paved the way for increasingly stupid movie titles.
In any event, from what I can tell, this is about some sort of all-knowing superbitch cell phone that’s part Enemy of the State superspy tech, and part stalkerish ex-girlfriend. Right. That sounds fantastic, no? But the best part is, it’s Hollywood taking on a film about new technology! And if there’s one thing that The Net or Hackers taught us, it’s that this is a genre that Hollywood is friggin’ aces at.
Oh, wait.
It’s directed by Greg Marcks, who is also responsible for the mediocre Memento ripoff 11:14. So that’s a good start. It stars Shane West, who played Tom Sawyer in The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen… let us not speak of that. Also, some chick with a lot of cheekbone, and Ving Rhames, who I love but would star in a fucking maxi-pad commercial if you paid him enough.
I fear that the stupid name is trumped only by the terrible premise.
And when did They start taking movie ideas from tech-obsessed paranoid conspiracy theorists too young to vote?
Oh, wait.
Posted by: boo at January 9, 2009 10:36 AM
As powerfully bad as that preview is, it is not powerful enough to stop me from wanting to bang Ving Rhames. I don't think that technology has been invented yet.
Posted by: courtney 2 at January 9, 2009 10:49 AM
Ok, so now will you stop making fun of us anime viewers for OUR shows stupid names?
Posted by: twig at January 9, 2009 10:51 AM
Ving Rhames! Fuck Ving Rhames, I lost all respect for him when he let the gimp go all Peter North on his ass.
Posted by: Pookie at January 9, 2009 10:52 AM
That trailer made me too stupid to say anything other than: Wow.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 10:52 AM
Kayanne, many of us were fortunate enough to not see Eagle Eye. Although my sister-in-law swears up and down that it's a great action movie. She just hasn't been the same since the lobotomy.
And as anyone can tell you, the best way to rate a movie is by how well the title translates into a porn title. Terminator was awesome, hence Sperminator. Gladiator? Gladheateher. And I can't figure out anything for Echelon Conspiracy. Any takers?
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 10:53 AM
"Ok, so now will you stop making fun of us anime viewers for OUR shows stupid names?"
XTreme that, like the slut on the corner, is too easy.
"A-Schlong Conspiracy"
Posted by: Kayanne at January 9, 2009 10:55 AM
Is this in any way shape or form being released by Asylum Entertainment?
Kayanne, we saw Eagle Eye? I didn't know we met, much less saw a film together. Did we have fun? Was I charming? Did I buy the tickets, while you bought the popcorn? Did we kind of look at each other awkwardly during the previews after I tried to put my arm around you? Did you slap me when I made the joke, "That's not butter" when I came back with the popcorn refill? Did we end the night with a staredown at your front door, which ended with you sighing and saying, "Good night. I had a lot of fun. I'll call you."? Did I start humming, "All By Myself" afterwards?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it wasn't me you were out with...it was Danny Bonaduce parading around in a Mike R. mask. Goddamn him, he screwed up his twenties and now he's trying to take mine away from me. LEAVE ME ALONE, BONADUCE! YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE KEY TO TOMORROW!
Mike R. that comment with hilarious, but it comes with a horrifying revelation: I let Danny Bonaduce get to second base.
Please excuse me while I vomit myself into a concussion.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 9, 2009 10:58 AM
Hollywood has to keep making bad tech movies like this. Imagine if they tried to do a realistic one:
Office Worker #1: "Dammit, we're not printing out of our claims program, and now my computer is frozen again."
Office Worker #2: "I'll call IT. Oh shit, phone network is down."
Office Worker #1: "Here, use my iPhone."
Office Worker #2: "Fuck! I dropped your phone...the screen is cracked..."
Office Worker #1: "Well that sucks, good thing I have a warranty."
The End.
Posted by: Snath at January 9, 2009 11:00 AM
For Xtreme
Eschelon Conspiracy = Masturbating Ontheshes
Posted by: skatz51 at January 9, 2009 11:02 AM
You can take my Pajiba card right god-damn now if it was wrong to enjoy Eagle Eye. I thought it was a damn good action movie that mimicked portions of other good action plotlines, and a couple good Hitchcock movies.
I'm sorry to disappoint everyone, I just found it to be a very fun movie, it's not like I'm not submitting it for any awards. Besides, if Wanted can be loved here, then so can Eagle Eye. That had just as much plot, and as much reality thrown into it; and it was just as fun.
Kayanne, I apologize. Danny strayed from the deal agreed upon. (After all, I don't just let any celebrity walk around with a Mike R. mask.) Would you like his head bronzed or just mounted for your wall?
goddammit, Mike R., now I can't get "All By Myself" out of my head.
...don't wanna be.. all by myselllllllffff .... annnnyyyyymmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeee!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 9, 2009 11:30 AM
Ok, so now will you stop making fun of us anime viewers for OUR shows stupid names?
I was asking a coworker about the befuddling titles of many of the manga at the library when I suddenly thought "oh wait....it's basically just Engrish, isn't it?", and then it all made much more sense.
But really, isn't Robert Ludlum already the KING of this? It's like he had a system similar to naming Chinese restaurants but kept on finding new variables for each column! Impressive, really.
Edward Burns is in this shit, too. He probably didn't want me to point that out.
Posted by: jM at January 9, 2009 11:33 AM
Also, Mike R. I wasn't saying Eagle Eye was awful, I was just saying that it's clearly been done before. In fact the lady on that cell phone sounds like the lady in Eagle Eye.
Also, where is the head of Danny Bonadouce? (Besides up his ass! Zing!)
Posted by: Kayanne at January 9, 2009 11:45 AM
I'll kill you if you turn me off.
Hmm, now that seems like a line that we ladies should really be able to use to our advantage...
Posted by: tamatha at January 9, 2009 11:50 AM
Is it wrong that I find the line, I'll kill you if you turn me off. incredibly irresistable? After all, pressure does create diamonds...in the pants.
Oh Kayanne, you trickster! You should be in the talking pictures! As for Eagle Eye, I do agree that it's been done, and my yellings were more general than targeted at you. (How could I ever yell at you? You gave me an excuse to hurt Danny Bonaduce that didn't begin with, "Well, I was bored and...".)
You heard the lady, folks. BRING ME THE HEAD OF DANNY BONADUCE!
(Please?!)
You see? This is why I keep my axe handy and sharpened.
*hops in car in search of Bonaduce. that asshat deserves death anyway.*
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 12:00 PM
Echelon Conspiracy!?!?
What, was Hierarchy Connivance already taken?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 9, 2009 12:09 PM
I think you people are missing the real question about this movie.
Does this technologically advanced device actually give head/face? I assume it does because everybody wants it.
Considering it can win you $3,000,000.00 it should be able to satisfy on demand.
Posted by: admin at January 9, 2009 12:09 PM
I seriously thought Shane West was dead.
I don't know why, but I did. Honest truth.
Posted by: figgy at January 9, 2009 12:13 PM
Who's Donny Bonaduce? Is he from the seventies? [shakes head]. You late boomers/early gen-xers and your crazy seventies celebrities. Can't we just agree that there were no seventies? Or eighties? The other decades had a lasting je ne sais quoi, but we really can more or less burn the negatives of the seventies and eighties. Maybe take the few pop culture items of worth and shoehorn them into the sixties or the nineties. Led Zepplin? They can fit nicely back in the sixties. U2? We can call them a nineties band.
Excellent then! It's just like in the old days when they had to adjust calendars by having them skip forward a few days. We simply had the fifties, the sixties and then jumped straight to the nineties.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 9, 2009 12:28 PM
Yeah but nobody but my old roommate and I much liked U2 being a 90s band, and everybody utterly and overly lost their shit when they decided to sound more like their 80s selves.
Yes, it still burns me.
Nevertheless, if you're going to try to steal, say "Baby's On Fire" and "President Reagan's Birthday Present" from me, well, we're gonna have to fight.
Posted by: I Love Beets at January 9, 2009 12:40 PM
Jay:
What the fuck are you talking about?
I think he's making eighties references. He's one of those people.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 9, 2009 12:47 PM
I seriously thought Shane West was dead.
Only on the inside.
Posted by: jM at January 9, 2009 1:01 PM
Why, oh why is the hotness that is Ed Burns in this crapola?
Posted by: Ginger at January 9, 2009 1:14 PM
"Besides, if Wanted can be loved here, then so can Eagle Eye. That had just as much plot, and as much reality thrown into it; and it was just as fun."
Mike R
Mike, I can sum up the real differences here (and again, haven't seen either show. That's how good I am):
Wanted: Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie and mildly annoying/semi-retarded kid no one cares about or even remembers who it was. (2 out of 3)
Eagle Eye: Shia Goblowyersef, Rosario Dawson and some Michelle person. (1 outta 3). Serious, why can't assholes like Shia just fuck right off already? Just because you got a hand job from Megan Fox does not make you Jason Statham. Might make me jealous, but it does NOT make you my hero.
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 1:33 PM
Am I the only one who didn't understand what Pookie was saying? Or does everyone else just take it as par for the course?
Posted by: jimbob at January 9, 2009 1:38 PM
...mildly annoying/semi-retarded kid no one cares about or even remembers who it was.
You take that back, Xtreme. You take that back right now. That was one James McAvoy, who is totally and completely memorable, if for nothing else than at least his eyes and the fact that normally he has a Scots accent.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 1:38 PM
"Baby's On Fire" by Brian Eno was released in 1973, "President Reagan's Birthday Present" by The Jazz Butcher Conspiracy was released in 1985.
"Zooropa" (1993) and "Pop" (1997) were not jubilantly embraced by U2 fans. Indeed "Pop" was and continues to be maligned. "All That You Can't Leave Behind" (2000), however, was an enormous success but is only exciting about a third of the time.
jimbob, do you mean the gimp/Peter North reference?
Ving Rhames was Marsellus Wallace, who got fucked in the ass by "The Gimp." The Peter North part was a reference to the legendary porn star and cum king Peter North. Dude cums buckets.
Posted by: Snath at January 9, 2009 1:56 PM
Am I the only one who didn't understand what Pookie was saying?
You don't "understand" The Pookie. You may read his words, you may understand their meaning but, in the end, we are all just as flies to a pile of doo doo in comparison.
Posted by: admin at January 9, 2009 2:00 PM
Wait...is that not Matthew Perry up there?
Is it just me? That's a consternated Chandler Bing face if I ever saw one.
Thanks to both Snath and admin for setting me straight!
And on a related note, isn't it a wonderful country where a guy can become "legendary" for the enormous load he produces?
Posted by: jimbob at January 9, 2009 2:08 PM
Jay, I see it too. Weird.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 2:22 PM
Dammit, I really tried lizzieborden, I really tried. Went to IMDB and everything, trying to justify taking back my words that offended you're sweet, sweet ears. But I can't! The only movie of his I've ever seen was Narnia! And he was the creepy little faun dude! Oh lizzie, I so wanted to make you happy! How's this for a deal: I'll retract the "semi-retarded" comment if you promise to be Mallory to my Mickey when I finally let loose on the media and corporate America?
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 2:29 PM
Echelon is actually in menwith hills england and is/was a very high security intelligence base .
i was once deployed there in the early part of 2000
Posted by: gilp at January 9, 2009 2:48 PM
Oooh, he was kinda creepy in Narnia. But he has such pretty eyes! Pretty!
OK Xtreme, I'll accept your taking back the semi-retarded thing (see, I'm magnanimous, too!), in exchange for being Mallory. I'd be honored, in fact.
Can I bring along my axe?
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 2:59 PM
lizzie, the axe is what made me ask you specifically! I could have asked any Pajibette, but, I asked myself, "How many of them have an axe? And would really use it?" Only you, Mallory. Only you. Don't worry, I already have the sunglasses and the haircut. Might have to shave my goatee though.
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 3:08 PM
I'm blushing over here. Really, I am. That's perfectly ok, Mickey--I'm nowhere near emaciated enough to resemble Juliette Lewis. We'll work with what we've got.
Well, nor am I that weird looking. Thank Godtopus.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 3:44 PM
Xtreme, I can vouch that lizzieb. is way prettier than Juliette Lewis.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 9, 2009 3:52 PM
AvB, you rock.
You rock hardcore tasty abs washerboard style, even.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 4:01 PM
Phew! I've never thought poor Juliette Lewis was pretty or nothin', I never even made that leap when I was asking. I've just always been diehard NBK fan. Fucking great movie! Or great fucking movie? I can never decide. And who better to play my Mallory then lizzie? You keep up the blushing pretty girl, looks good on ya. AvB, you can be the hot girl cop that didn't die. Pookie could be Jack Scagnetti, the psycho cop, and TK could be Warden Dwight McClusky. Good times here today!
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 4:13 PM
I love lizzieborden because she feeds tasty time-wasters to my addictive personality. I love/hate her for it.
Posted by: Snath at January 9, 2009 4:17 PM
Isn't it weird we haven't had anyone come out and say I Liked League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? I thought it was dreadful and really nothing like the comics but it feels like one of those that people feel compelled to defend. Had the film featured Mr. Hyde brutally raping and murdering The Invisible Man, it would've been a quadrillion times better.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 9, 2009 5:07 PM
I'm SURE they would've stuck to the volume 2 story. Why would I fear any changes?
If it helps I can come out and say I've never nor will ever watch "Natural Born Killers". I just can't take both Woody and Juliette together in one movie.
Jay, I swear you'd never recognize Woody. But that probably has something to do with him being either covered in blood or high as a kite for the whole movie. Or both. I never thought he could pull off anything other than the dumb bartender role, but he did. Can't think of any other movie I've ever liked him in. Wish he'd retire now.
Posted by: Xtreme at January 9, 2009 5:45 PM
Mickey, I love despair, inc.
I didn't know they do t-shirts now, too! I'm completely sunk.
Posted by: lizzieborden at January 9, 2009 6:33 PM
1) NBK is probably Juliette Lewis' career high. She was better in that than anything else I've ever seen her in. (*Disclaimer: I actually enjoy Juliette Lewis in most things she's in.)
2)Is Optimus Pookie now? That ...was completely random.
3)lizzie"mallory"borden, I only speak the truth. You're a good lookin' broad. (p.s. me & pseudo-Mr.AvB frequently refer to each other as Mickey and Mallory. So this whole thread is making me happy.)
4)Whoo! I get to be "hot girl cop that doesn't die"!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 9, 2009 6:53 PM
Eschelon Conspiracy?
I prefer these tech-related movie titles:
eMachine Bankruptcy
Electronic Recycling
Extralong Warranty
Energy-efficient Computer Screen
Error Code Reporting
Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 9, 2009 7:01 PM
Xtreme, how could you not see Echelschlong Conspiracy, or Echelon Cumspiracy, or Echelschlong Cumspiracy?
As for the weirdness of the title, it makes perfect sense to me, even if it is a little overwrought. Echelon is the name of a surveillance program. The possibility of a conspiracy arising from that is pretty easy to see for someone writing a screenplay. Echelon Conspiracy ain't got nothin' on Quantum of Solace, TK.
Posted by: Shadowen at January 9, 2009 7:26 PM
Ahhh, my schlong is a conspiracy too, but I don't wanna make a movie out of it, baby!
Posted by: ph at January 9, 2009 7:56 PM
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or LXG, as the desperately tried to market it) was the only movie in the history of my moveiegoing life that I ever walked out on. I've probably seen about 20 movies a year (at a movie theater, I mean) for the past, oh, ten years or so, I've sat through some absolute shit, but even I could not make it through that one.
HAAAAATE.
Posted by: Mimi at January 9, 2009 7:57 PM
Eche-long cock-spiracy.
Posted by: sabrina at January 11, 2009 4:46 AM
Although my cock isn't very long, it's extremely thick, not unlike the biceps of a body builder.
Posted by: Pookie at January 11, 2009 9:10 AM
I always suspected that about you, Pookie.
Posted by: Sabrina at January 11, 2009 3:21 PM
Anyone know when this is getting released? I didn't find it on fandango?
Posted by: bruce at February 4, 2009 8:15 PM
All you are idiots... Eagle Eye sucked cause it had Shia in it and that s a fact. Look at the other "masterpieces" he did - Disturbia, Indiana 4... god...
but not Shane, Shane's actually got a promising future and a nice trail of movies, so whats that mean?
It means this movie, however crazy I may seem, looks pretty good for an action film. And yes, of course Hollywood is going to keep making movies about tech going bad cause thats what people are afraid of... a realistic movie about Vista crashing would suck, so bring on the talking phones that dish out lottery number and death.
Posted by: John John the Leper at February 5, 2009 6:05 PM
LOL at John John...
and for bruce , I believe its released Feb. 27
Posted by: CAsey at February 5, 2009 6:08 PM
"Eagle Eye sucked cause it had Shia in it and that s a fact. Look at the other "masterpieces" he did - Disturbia, Indiana 4... god..."
Couldn't agree with you more! The cast is hot in this film!
Posted by: Antonia at February 6, 2009 7:30 PM
K sooo to all the dumb ass people who just want to bag on a movie they havnt see. I went to the Movie Premere and I was bomb ass. Ya it took ideas from other movies but they made it, its own. O and the girl with the big cheak bones is fine as hell.
Didn't we already see Eagle Eye?