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Shane West Makes His Acting Face

And I Make My Sad Face / Daniel Carlson

Trailers | February 17, 2009 | Comments (45)

You had a long weekend, the kind that was supposed to be restful but wound up being busy. And not the good kind of busy, where it’s all drink and sleep and get crazy; no you had a genuinely bad weekend. It’s cold and rainy, and you need to do laundry, and you just know that work is gonna suck this week. Am I right? Did I get close at all?

“Yes,” I can hear you saying through the tears. “Can you help me?”

I can. I can show you Shane West in a techno-thriller about a magical cell phone that can channel the NSA’s information and help you win at gambling and avoid death. I can show you Edward Burns as an FBI agent tracking him down. I can show you Ving Rhames doing something vaguely intimidating. I can show you Martin Sheen and Jonathan Pryce just cashing the checks. My friends, I can show you Echelon Conspiracy:










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Comments

Wait, didn't we just play the stupid naming game for these techno-thrillers like two days ago?

Posted by: twig at February 17, 2009 10:33 AM

And to think no one came up with Echelon Conspiracy in last weeks Ludlum thread. FAIL.

Posted by: ed newman at February 17, 2009 10:36 AM

When a movie looks like a stale whiff of Eagle Eye's wet fart, you know it's gonna be bad.

I am SO there.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 17, 2009 10:47 AM

Wasn't Shane West buried between Joshua Jackson R.I.P and Rachael Leigh Cook? It's like Pet Cemetery all over again.

Posted by: jM at February 17, 2009 10:48 AM

The Bromeliad Concatenation

Posted by: Jerce at February 17, 2009 10:49 AM

Geez.
I thought I actually that I had a pretty good weekend, but now you're making me think twice.
I mean, it was cold and rainy. I was pretty tired, I mean, what with the parades and constant drinking and Valentine's dinner and Friday the 13th horror marathons and beer pong and naked party fun time and the FA cup and the Valentine's Day Masacre party and the downtime playing Scene-it...wait, no, my weekend was AWEsome. Nice try, Carlson.

Posted by: jamiepants at February 17, 2009 10:49 AM

Aww, was there a Ludlum name party? I like Harry Shearer's old "The Mersky Conundrum" bit.

Rifftrax had a Bond title contest last November it seems.

http://blog.rifftrax.com/2008/11/29/amount-of-something-winner/

Posted by: Jay at February 17, 2009 10:51 AM

We saw this already. It was bad then, it is worse now.

And boo-fucking-hoo to your rain. Man up!

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 10:52 AM

I suppose I had an average weekend.

I even watched some Kids In The Hall. Ha!

Posted by: Jay at February 17, 2009 11:01 AM

"The Bucdaddy Pornography"

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 17, 2009 11:03 AM

I don't know...something about this trailer just rings false. http://tinyurl.com/2d3gev

But really, this reminds me of the conversation in Forgetting Sarah Marshall about the idiocy of cell-phone based horror/thrillers.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at February 17, 2009 11:06 AM

Admin is right as always. TK posted the same trailer for The Phenolphthalein Consortium about a month ago:
http://www.pajiba.com/echelon-conspiracy-trailer.htm

And can someone get Ed Burns a lozenge?

Posted by: branded at February 17, 2009 11:08 AM

"The Bucdaddy Pornography"

Given Hollywood's propensity for making any piece of shit that blows along in the gutter, surely this fantastically written, epic love story will get picked up.

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 11:11 AM

Wait ... I don't like that one now ...

"The Pookie Pornography"

Yeah ... much better.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 17, 2009 11:13 AM

"The Pookaneous Intercorsical Conundrum"

Posted by: admin at February 17, 2009 11:24 AM

There's this hilarious bit in the commentary for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with the Tony Curran and Jason Flemyng making fun of Shane West's voice and acting. Worth checking out. Are we sure Shane West isn't Paul Walker and that's where he's been the past few years?

Posted by: Eep at February 17, 2009 11:52 AM

Which will undoubtedly be abbreviated as T*P*I*C!!

Spot the real title:

The Vandelay Principle
The Toynbee Convector
The Olshansky Incident
The Buchman Protocol

Posted by: antietam at February 17, 2009 11:56 AM

Toynbee.

Posted by: Snath at February 17, 2009 12:13 PM

Nicely done, Snath.

There won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

I think I read that Ludlum actually took his naming conventions from some of Ray Bradbury's. The author of The Toynvee Convector.

Posted by: antietam at February 17, 2009 12:22 PM

the idiocy of cell-phone based horror/thrillers

Because I really am a sucker for zombies, I picked up Cell by Stephen King from the library. Yes, cell phones turn people into telepathic zombies. Yes, it was idiotic. And, yes, Godtopus help me, I finished reading it all the while thinking "was he this terrible years ago when I last read a book of his?"

Posted by: Sharopa at February 17, 2009 1:37 PM

I gave up "Cell" since I thought "The Stand was better than this by this point", and figured I didn't need to go through it again, and "The Stand" seriously spooked me at 15.

Posted by: Jay at February 17, 2009 2:05 PM

I actually saw this last week.

I'm sure this will come as no surprise to anyone, the movie is terrible. I mean just plain godawful. The acting is wooden, the story is ripped off from at least half a dozen other (and better) films, and it's dull as fuck. Somehow, it's even more absurd than the trailer indicates.

Although it does have one of the most hilariously random and tacked-on endings I have ever seen. I swear, the ending of this thing makes so little sense it's amazing.

Posted by: _cG at February 17, 2009 2:18 PM

I still want to make a movie called 'The Tumescent Legume'. It would be about vegetables that come to life. Tumescently.

Hey! Fuck you, spell check! That's a word!

Posted by: figgy at February 17, 2009 2:43 PM

There are a new video about this movie...and it's not about eagle eye. Stop being so stupid fucking jealous guys!
And get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: VB at February 17, 2009 3:14 PM

I would so watch 'The Tumescent Legume', Figgs.
But apparantly I'm just jealous, and I need to get a life, because there are a new video about this movie, and so I'll go do that now.

Posted by: jamiepants at February 17, 2009 3:18 PM

How people can judge a film not yet seen?
I only see people here who has no life. People who refuse to start something unfamiliar. Here I only see envy, jealousy and frustration. And a great desire to speak evil.
I'm sick with these disgusting opinion.

Posted by: joao at February 17, 2009 3:21 PM

Shane West is big in Brazil.

Posted by: Jay at February 17, 2009 3:30 PM

I'm adopting this as my new pickup line: "If you turn me off, I'll kill you."

Posted by: MissNev at February 17, 2009 3:32 PM

I am not from Brazil. But who cares? You? I think not.
I speak and write 7 languages. And my english is not so good than yours. Thats why you think I'm brazilian. No I am not. But there are smart people all over the world and people with envy, jealousy and frustration and without brain too.
How many languages do you speak?
Well for to see or speak about movies, I think we dont need to be English/British or live in USA.

Posted by: joao at February 17, 2009 3:42 PM

I'm adopting this as my new pickup line: "I'm sick with these disgusting opinion."

Posted by: jamiepants at February 17, 2009 3:58 PM

I'm fascinated as to which of Shane West's riveting performances managed to instill this unflagging devotion? I hope it was something like that shitty tv-movie version of The Westing Game, because that would be one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

Posted by: Sarina at February 17, 2009 4:00 PM

This is the greatest post of the day! I didn't realize the trolls were over here. I guess I should have been checking a little more closely.

By the way, did you know I have a great desire to speak evil?

Like I'm Damien fucking Thorn over here.

Posted by: Snath at February 17, 2009 4:16 PM

I speak and write TWO languages with absolute fluency, so suck it!

Aneshay Estway ancay owblay eemay. Ohsay ancay ouyay, oaojay.

One of the perks of being an American is that I can hate a movie based on a crappy trailer, a retarded premise and the presence of terrible actors without having seen it. It's in the Constitution. Look it up.

Only a Communist or a moron would insist that people suspend formimg opinions on such fare as The Hottie and the Nottie until after having viewed it.

It doesn't mean that I'm envious, jealous or frustrated, only discriminating.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 17, 2009 4:29 PM

Why this unflagging devotion?
Maybe because we read and hear comments like yours that devotion increases.
Actually my favorite actor is not Shane, but I like to counter people who think it is aware of everything. People who think themselves smarter than all other nations of the world.

Today I am defending Shane, who knows tomorrow I will be defending another actor or another public person.
Usually I am against those who speak of others with arrogance and cynicism.

bye
unflagging person

Posted by: joao at February 17, 2009 4:31 PM

I think joao just locked up #1 in this weeks Eloquence. Optimus is a sucker for multilinguists.

Posted by: ed newman at February 17, 2009 4:32 PM

One more thing:
I'm not Communist or a moron or something you want call me. I dont care...I'm not God..or devil ...I'm only an unflagging person.
The only thing that continues to shock me is that you do not accept that other countries who dont speak your language can enjoy the films and actors as or better than you.

Posted by: joao at February 17, 2009 4:42 PM

I think joao just locked up #1 in this weeks Eloquence. Optimus is a sucker for multilinguists.

Whereas the Paheebans are suckers for cunning linguists.

Posted by: branded at February 17, 2009 4:47 PM

Whereas the Paheebans are suckers for cunning linguists.

I know I'll suck a cunning linguist. When it doesn't get in the way of my cultural inferiority which manifests itself as the inability to enjoy shitty movies.

Posted by: Clee Shay at February 17, 2009 4:50 PM

No offense meant to your English skills, joao, but "Unflagging Person" is a really fucking funny phrase.

Unflagging person = 43 out of 59 super stars!

Posted by: Snath at February 17, 2009 4:59 PM

Unflagging Person ...
for a cheap and stupid foreigner like me, that name is good....could be worse...

Posted by: joao at February 17, 2009 5:07 PM

Holy shit, this is almost as awesome as the time that little fan-thing lost its shit over the tragic death of Joshua Jackson (RIP).

"Unflagging person" is easily the most delightful thing I've read in months. So delightful, in fact, that every troll who can't manage their level of wackadoo fandomness shall henceforth be known as an Unflagging Person. Those Twilight freaks? Unflagging persons. Jonas Brothers worshipers? Unflagging persons.

Of course, the unflaggingest people of all will probably forever and always be Scientologists. The rest of you fangirls can keep reaching for the stars, but until you've got hordes in Guy Fawkes masks protesting your unflaggingness, you'll just have to settle for Runner Up in the Crazy Pageant.

Posted by: Sarina at February 17, 2009 5:27 PM

Aw, Joao,

We just don't like the looks of this thing...but I'm pretty sure we're all rather fond of you as a person. Don't let it get to ya.

Posted by: replica at February 17, 2009 11:36 PM

Exactly!

Posted by: Snath at February 18, 2009 7:11 AM

Don't be so hard on yourself, joao, I think you're flaggin'. You're fly-flaggin'. You're the flagging-est of them all. You're Flag-tastic. You're Flag-angsta. You're the Flaggin'-ator.
I'm out.

Posted by: jamiepants at February 18, 2009 9:43 AM

He is my hero~ I saw his persona*l ad is still available at that millionaire dat*ing site --richromances.com==. What happend to him?

Posted by: lawrence at February 20, 2009 2:00 AM