free counter with statistics Dragonball Evolution Trailer | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Hell Hath No Fury Like the Ball of a Dragon

Can You Imagine a Seven-Balled Dragon? / Dustin Rowles

Trailers | March 30, 2009 | Comments (49)

Eleven (11) days. That’s how long I’m giving myself before I finally lose grip on the tenuous hold I have on my sanity. Eleven days. The 100th day of the year. Mandy Moore and Haley Joel Osment’s birthday. The 17th anniversary of Sam Kinison’s passing (may he rest in hell). And the day that Dragonball: Evolution finally arrives in theaters.

It will be a day of reckoning. Movie theaters around the country will be burned to the ground, if only to save future filmgoers from having to witness what is sure to be the worst cinematic atrocity of the year. Dragonball: Evolution, a movie not even fit to be compared to its most obvious influence: The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

God help us all. Here’s the latest trailer. I suggest taking a sedative (or half a bottle of cold medication) before attempting to view it, keeping in mind that this is only a small fraction of what you’d have to suffer through for the pleasure of letting them take your money (and if your Mommy is close by, I suggest watching it from betwixt her bosom):

But , wait. It gets worse. A script has already been written for a sequel. And according to IGN, James Marsters — one of the stars of the movie — wants even more:

Firstly Marsters told us why he hopes the film is successful enough to get a sequel and how many DB movies he’d like to see: “I hope [the movie does well] because my character only really gets interesting in the second film, I mean he’s interesting now! But his journey is really developed in the script for the second movie.” He went on: “All I know is I’ve been signed to three movies, but I would like to make five - seven of them. You could just pretty much paint by numbers using the wealth of source material to easily get the seven films. There’s that much there.”

You heard it here third, folks (after IGN reported it, and after I pilfered it from Filmonic): “There’s that much there.” Holy Baby Satan’s vagina. There’s enough, easily, for seven films. May it rain pitchforks and the blood of Katherine Heigl before the day comes when we’re subjected to seven of these films. And if that seventh film comes, may it be called Tyler Perry’s Dragonball and may we all perish in a nuclear holocaust the day before it opens.


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Comments

Wow, sucks to be Spike. At least Angel got another show.

Posted by: Jesus Tralfaz at March 30, 2009 8:43 PM

Isn't that dude supposed to be Chinese? Also, is the dragonball something that dragons own? Eat? Get powers from? Play dragonkickball with? Does it have any relationship to real dragons is what I'm asking.

Posted by: SaBrina at March 30, 2009 8:47 PM

The only thing better than a seven-balled dragon would be if a the dragon also had eight asses.

Posted by: admin at March 30, 2009 8:56 PM

My brother used to watch this cartoon, and all I remember about it was that it concerned battles that seemed to span whole SEASONS between the dude with the weird hair and the green guy in a desert. Occasionally there'd be a part with the chick with the big boobs and an old guy somewhere else. I'm not sure Emmy Rossume is "qualified" to play the chick with the big boobs.

I'm not going to see this movie, is basically what I'm saying.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 30, 2009 8:59 PM

Dustin, you severely underestimate this film. I downloaded a cam version of it, and with vodka and some sweet medical-prescribed herb, this movie ROCKS. I mean... he opens lockers with his KI. GET IT. IT'S LIKE CHI BUT PRONOUNCED DIFFERENT. Maybe the "k" stands for "KILLAH". And the love interest's name? It's Chi-chi. And they even say in the movie, "yeah. I know. What a dumb name."

This movie is so epically awful I have some sort of weird respect for it. Just wait till you see the fucking bad guy, I almost spit out my chaser when he came on the screen. Holy shit. Batman nipples + leather wtf-ness + prosthetics and makeup that must have been blasted from an ass straight onto his face= win.

Posted by: AlexaCastro at March 30, 2009 9:06 PM

Seven films....

Seven films...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALL COCKS! THIS IS THE WORST TRAILER I'VE EVER SEEN! AND SEVEN FUCKING FILMS! FUCKING HELL!

I'm going to see this, just to see how much they've botched my childhood memories, but there's no way in hell I'll pay to see this abortion. I'll buy a ticket for Seth Rogen's Observe and Report, or the sequel to Crank, and then I'll sneak in. I'll sneak in just to see if it's as the trailer promised, the worst movie of all time, until the sequel.

Posted by: George at March 30, 2009 9:16 PM

Adding to my comment, where the fuck's the blood? The edited cartoon had more blood than this, and it's even rated PG! Fucking hell this looks awful.

Posted by: George at March 30, 2009 9:20 PM

Shouldn't Goku be more naive? And Roshi more pervy and bearded? And where's Krillin? Shouldn't he be around and be bald and dotted?
(This should make sense to some of you who were young in the 90's)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 30, 2009 9:21 PM

There's no humor in it, George. That's what I don't get. What the fuck? You probably know what I mean. I feel like we're close enough age-wise to actually both hit the intended age of the time. (Also, the DBZ game for the Wii took quite a few of my spare hours freshman year. I got hooked and quickly became a god at that game. Destructo Disk FTW)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 30, 2009 9:24 PM

The only other Z Fighter you're going to get is Yamcha.

Oh...and Ernie Hudson.

Posted by: branded at March 30, 2009 9:30 PM

MOMMY!

:((

Posted by: figgy at March 30, 2009 9:45 PM

Well, at least Hollywood hasn't screwed with Voltron. yet.

Posted by: MrCresosote at March 30, 2009 9:47 PM

I get where you're coming from Rhyme. The best part about the comic and the show was that neither took themselves too seriously, thus making the characters and the series in general better. This movie has completely missed that point, and will only be filled with unintentional comedy.

So, are you going to see it just to see how bad it is as well? I feel sorry for any critic, especially you Dustin, who sits through this thing. I'll probably just walk out.

Posted by: George at March 30, 2009 9:53 PM

Will I? Hell naw. I don't have the cash to pass around. Might rent it eventually just to see the whole train-wreckiness of it all.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 30, 2009 10:09 PM

Can anyone explain to me why Kung Fu masters keep having to train annoying white boys like Stiffler/ "Bullet Proof Monk" or Tom Cruise/"Last Samurai"? Seriously in all of Japan...they couldn't find one Japanese Samurai? What the hell were the other guys dressed the same way for? Did I miss something?

Posted by: DIablo at March 30, 2009 11:18 PM

Ok, I'm not gonna lie: I used to watch Dragonball Z. My brother got me into it way back around the time when Cartoon Network was showing it around the same time slot as Sailor Moon (Shut. The. Fuck. Up). But anyway, it was camptastic and amazing in a completely ridiculous sort of way. It was great to, because if any of the characters started fighting and/or training you knew you'd be ok if you missed about... thirteen episodes, and came back to it, they'd still be fighting, usually with an ass load of grunts and unnnnhhhhyaaaahhhhhh noises.

This movie looks terrible. I hope this "James Marsters" character (I seriously doubt that's his real name) understands the pain he's inflicted upon the world. Should we rub his nose in it and hit him with a paper?

Posted by: Kayanne at March 30, 2009 11:19 PM

Yeah, Kayanne, it was a hoot, always with the ridiculous constipated noises. And i remember monkeys. Giant monkeys. Also, I think I remember seeing a naked Sailor Moon as a young boy and ... it changed me.
And I don't see James Marsters anywhere in that clip!
Oh, also I hope your sandal straps are too tight. Take that, Leggy!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 30, 2009 11:28 PM

Rhyme, it does not surprise me that you found a naked Sailor Moon photo. And my strappy sandals are just tight enough. Just the way I like 'em.

But since you're being a douche, you don't get to see my Sailor Jupiter costume from middle school.

I'm gonna go Super Sayan (Saijin..? Sayjan...? Ah, fuck it) on your ass.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 31, 2009 12:05 AM

This movie will suck balls: Dragon Balls.

A a resident Japanese person who grew up with this shit I'm actually...really sorry.

See, the truth is, Japan screwed it up. This heinous crime to humanity all came to fruition because the Japanese publisher was so fucking naive about Hollywood. See, when they got the offer to do the live action Hollywood movie, they went ape shit and signed the contract without really reading it (Even though there were already a horrible example of Godzilla). And when they realized that Hollywood gonna have a butchering orgy fuck fest with their beloved story, it was too late. The original author even rewrote the script and sent to the studio, but, no they already got all the rights: They could fucking do any god damn blasphemous heinousity they fuckin please!!!!!!

And, no, I'm not gonna see this. I don't like being reduced to a ball of weeping mess in theatre for wrong reason. I already read the Japanese site that tells you EVERYTHING that happens, spoiler and all in this movie so i won't ever have to see it. Maybe I will translate it for the benefit of Pajibahood.

Well, here to the horrible raping of my good memory of reading this in manga... Fuck you Hollywood! Fuck you damn ass big ass Japanese company!!! You guys suck balls: Dragon Balls! You ruined it!!!!!!!!!

To quote the Talking-Pig Oolong upon confronting the dragon that can grant any wish in the world: Give me a girl's panty!
(Sniff: those were the day)

Posted by: yocean at March 31, 2009 12:22 AM

James Marsters: you know your career is going in the wrong direction when your starring film role is a step down from a guest spot playing a time traveling bisexual cowboy wearing a bastardized drum major uniform on a BBC-only spinoff.

But I hear that if you listen to the Buffy musical soundtrack during this film while stoned the secrets of the universe are revealed to you.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 31, 2009 1:20 AM

watch-movies-links.net for a week or so now. I watched the first 5 minutes and the last 5 minutes and feel like I missed nothing.

Posted by: Wendy at March 31, 2009 1:43 AM

Rowles, you insult both my favorite actress Katherine Heigl and my favorite director/writer/humanitarian Tyler Perry, and I’m supposed to stand idly by and let this affront go unanswered? Listen Rowles, I turn a blind eye to most of the shenanigans that take place here at pajiba only because I like this place so much and I’m a loyal fan. But must you go out of your way to irritate and harass me? Just let me remind you of a couple of things Rowles, first, my time is valuable and I’ve been offered financial incentives to ply my craft at other websites that recognize what I bring to the table. Secondly, like a great entertainer I put bodies in the seats, I bring people to this website that follow my work. Do you have any idea the number of people that now view pajiba as a house hold name because of me? Rowles I think you should start trying to impress me, because if I ever decided to leave pajiba fifty percent of your audience would follow me out the door.

Posted by: Pookie at March 31, 2009 1:57 AM

Chow Yun Fat? CHOW YUN FAT? Grumble grumble.

Posted by: coveredinbees at March 31, 2009 2:05 AM

Well of course he'd like to make seven of 'em, he's got kids to support! But just because he hopes so, doesn't mean it will happen. Though it's bad enough there will be three.
But I'm pretty sure I'm not the target demographic, anyway, so what do I know?

Posted by: Tarn at March 31, 2009 4:18 AM

Chow Yun Fat? CHOW YUN FAT? Grumble grumble.

Exactly my reaction. He played in many shitty movies, but even he can't save this one.

Posted by: FabMax at March 31, 2009 4:23 AM

I seened it. It came out in China over a week ago. It blows. It blows bad. Which I don't really give a shit about, I expected a balls out bad movie, and I never really cared about Dragonball Z in the first place, but that fucking kid from war of the worlds is the WORST of the worst. He's teeth-grinding horrible.
And I don't know what the hell Chow Yun Fat was doing there. No idea.
It sucks, I don't recomend.

Posted by: jack at March 31, 2009 5:56 AM

Can someone get Chow Yun-Fat a REAL acting job so he doesn't have to do this kind of shit to pay the bills...

Posted by: Irina at March 31, 2009 8:10 AM

Okay, so I might have "acquired" a screener's copy of the movie. And I might have watched the first fifteen minutes of it. And all I can remember is some lights, someone putting their finger in my mouth, and an outrageous ambulance bill.

Kids, roll over when you're gonna collapse in an epoxy of fits and vomit...so you don't choke on the movie.

Oh Spike...do you want me to start flinching when I see your name in the credits like I do with my beloved Eliza?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 31, 2009 9:16 AM

Oh Chow. My beloved Chow. When will you again wield your twin Berettas of Asshandingness? When? *sob*

Posted by: admin at March 31, 2009 9:21 AM

Pooks, I feel like you should have ended that comment screaming:

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?"

Which leads me to assume there should be a Pooks/Dustin cage match.

Posted by: Kayanne at March 31, 2009 9:49 AM

I know someone that helped make this movie happen. I encouraged him to make it happen. I didn't really know that I was encouraging the apocalypse or whatever. My bad.
When I saw this post and title I thought to myself, "Didn't we already get a review of this? Why is there a trailer?" Then I realized that I was thinking of the Street Fighter 'movie' and this was the altogether (not really) different movie Dragon Testicles or whatever. Boy, is my face not red from that mistake!

Posted by: Dangle McGee at March 31, 2009 9:50 AM

I used to see bits of this show when my daughter was (briefly) into it. I could never follow the plot (tell me, was there really a plot?). But the one thing that always cracked my shit up was the hero. Everyone would be weeping and wailing and prophesying doom, and he'd walk in, their last hope, and be so relentlessly cheerful. Like saving the world was no more troublesome than a math test he hadn't studied for.

Posted by: Wednesday at March 31, 2009 9:58 AM

Why do the special effects look so very less than special? It's like they don't even try. Did they use the same people as Dungeons and Dragons or what?

And Bulma? That is not a pretty name.

Posted by: Carrie at March 31, 2009 10:00 AM

Oh James Marsters is the evil bald dude? Well at least he's wearing enough make up to hide who he is.

Posted by: Carrie at March 31, 2009 10:03 AM

I am dying laughing at this trailer. I've seen an earlier one, but it differed quite a lot from the one I just viewed, so I feel I have a better grasp on what this film is going to turn out to be.

I used to read the Dragonball comics, and later watch/read Dragonball Z in enormous quaffs (I was young! I did not know any better!) To this day my friends and I will gather round a big screen TV, put in a Dragonball Z DVD, roll a blunt, and enjoy the sheer guilty pleasure of it all. I have to say the film is deviating pretty far from its source material (a young, hardly perverted Master Roshi? White Goku? Where is his cloud? WHERE IS OOLONG THE PIG!?), and I'm nowhere near loyal to the material I once read, but this may be an amusing afternoon diversion with some buddies. I wouldn't pay for it of course...

Posted by: danny at March 31, 2009 10:43 AM

Where's the dragon? I didn't see a dragon. No dragon? Fuck this.

I AM, however, totally in favor of the catfight around 1:10. As Jerry put it, "Men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow, you know... kiss."

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 31, 2009 10:54 AM

Well, at least this comes out on my birthday, so I'll be drunk/high to watch this in the proper mindset, but if this came out say this Friday?... Nothin'.

Posted by: Sean at March 31, 2009 10:57 AM

I'm gonna power up for 10 weeks and then release a Kamehamha that will consume the studio and all involved in the making of this travesty.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 31, 2009 1:13 PM

I can't believe a man would agree to be named Piccolo. *hee*

Posted by: amanda47 at March 31, 2009 1:49 PM

Oh that was...bad. What's with the transformer bike? And why did they cut off dragons' balls? What did the dragons ever do to them? Wtf is this story about? Why is the wimpy-looking boy the "only one who can stop whatever the fuck's going on"?

Posted by: Joker at March 31, 2009 2:08 PM

At least James Marsters sounds kinda cool in the trailer. But shouldn't Goku be Japanese? I've never met a guy named Goku with such orbicular eyes.

Posted by: Lucas at March 31, 2009 6:10 PM

ttthhhheee tttrrraaaiiilllleeerrr wwwaaaasss sssooooo ssslllooowww.

'aaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh' x 1000.

Posted by: replica at March 31, 2009 6:50 PM

If any of you have a decent import shop in your town, check out RED CLIFF, it has chow and John Woo, in a pretty decent historical action epic.

Posted by: Jesus Tralfaz at March 31, 2009 10:09 PM

The entire Dragonball movie got leaked to YouTube a week or so ago, and it actually stayed up for almost 2 whole days before it got yanked.

I watched through the first half hour.

If you needed any reassurance that this movie blows complete donkey balls and is nothing short of one of the worst uses of film in history, you're a colossal fucktard.

The first half hour alone made me want to staple my scrotum to the floor and attempt jumping jacks.

Posted by: chenry at April 1, 2009 12:58 PM

And after this Dragon SHIT, they will start to make the FAKE version of dragonball series, just like what they did to Transformer

Fuck with them!!!

i pity the kids who watch this CRAP

Posted by: Griff at April 2, 2009 7:39 PM

haha, wow. good to know people have an open mind about this movie. (sarcasm) I cant believe I just waste 5 minutes of my life reading this.

Posted by: Nick at April 3, 2009 12:01 PM

I have been disgusted by this film since the day and hour i read the premise, however im more disgusted that no one (as far down as ive read) seems to know what the orgininal dragon ball is, one person made a reference to dragonball z wish is dragonball on bad acid and not able to hold a candle to the original.
The true horror of this movie is that it takes a iconic manga series and uses it to wipe its arse in the hopes of making a huge some of money out of the comic/show's popularity.
not withstanding the fact that goku is a) an alien. b) ive yet to see a screen caption with his tail or c) the only semblance of plot resembelance is the charachters involved. why Mr fat would get involved in this horse shit is beyond me

in short the orginal dragonball is a mster piece this is movie is a work of satan.

p.s.
To answer thequestion about their being draongs. yes the dragon shen long is summoned when all 7 dragon balls are bought together upon summoning him you are granted 3 wishes, when 3 wishes have been made the dragonballs are scattered around the world and cannot be gathered for summoning again for (i think) 7 years

Posted by: Throrgrim at April 8, 2009 12:26 PM

I am writing because on Sunday, April 14, 2009 I went and saw your recent production of Dragonball Evolution. Not only was I dissatisfied from what I had to sit through, it also broke my heart to see the story ruined. Why did you make it into a kids movie? It was a waste of my time and my 8 dollars. Why don't you hire a writer/producer/director that know the story inside and out. As I walked into the theatre I saw it was rate PG. I immediately guessed that it was going to be a bad movie. I was proven right not too far into the movie. I have been a Dragonball fan all my life. I grew up with this series. This series is about action, blood, and thinking that your hero is not going to survive. This series is supposed to be epic. I see more special effects on Heroes on NBC than I did in this movie. But, because he has heart he finds a way to survive and defend his planet and the ones he loves. Well Fox, I know I will make sure I don't spend any of my time watching your television programs and not wasting anymore of my money watching any of your movies.

Posted by: Cory at April 14, 2009 5:59 PM

Email fox at feedbackus@fox.com

Use this text

I am writing because on Sunday, April 14, 2009 I went and saw your recent production of Dragonball Evolution. Not only was I dissatisfied from what I had to sit through, it also broke my heart to see the story ruined. Why did you make it into a kids movie? It was a waste of my time and my 8 dollars. Why don't you hire a writer/producer/director that know the story inside and out. As I walked into the theatre I saw it was rate PG. I immediately guessed that it was going to be a bad movie. I was proven right not too far into the movie. I have been a Dragonball fan all my life. I grew up with this series. This series is about action, blood, and thinking that your hero is not going to survive. This series is supposed to be epic. I see more special effects on Heroes on NBC than I did in this movie. But, because he has heart he finds a way to survive and defend his planet and the ones he loves. Well Fox, I know I will make sure I don't spend any of my time watching your television programs and not wasting anymore of my money watching any of your movies.

Posted by: Cory at April 14, 2009 6:00 PM