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Disneynature's Chimpanzee Trailer: This Kind Of Cuteness Is F*cking Reprehensible And You All Should Be Ashamed Of Yourselves

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (49)

chimmp3.jpg

Seriously, what the fuck, Disney. What is this, huh? You think you can just throw together some footage of baby chimpanzees and it’ll somehow work? It’ll somehow pull at our heartstrings and make us want to see your dumbass movie? Oh, what’s that? It’s “Disneynature” now? Well, excuse the fucking hell out of me.

I’m sorry, but I ain’t buyin’ what you’re selling. Oh, look, fucking apes. Yippee doo. Oh, wow, there are babies. And they have… little… faces. And… oh! They’re playing and wrestling. And… um…hugging his mom. And he… he gets abandoned? Is… is it dusty in here?

What? And a new chimpanzee adopts him? And… aw… they’re… aw, lookit.

Goddamnit.

That’s just dirty pool, I tell you.









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Comments

I was just about to get all misty-eyed and then that godawful song started playing.

Run Oscar, run. As far away from Disney as your little legs will carry you. In a year they'll have you wearing some age-inappropriate revealing outfit at the People's Choice Awards. RUN!

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 21, 2011 11:13 AM

Oh, yeah, they're really cute until they grow up and rip your face off.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 21, 2011 11:15 AM

Are you sure this isn't just a precursor to "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"?

Posted by: bleujayone at April 21, 2011 11:15 AM

Disney just owned you

Posted by: Magiel at April 21, 2011 11:15 AM

Nope. Chimps, regardless of size, are fucked up creatures with only insane furious mayhem on their minds. What was that movie that took place in a research station at some arctic location and the fucking chimps took over and ...it was nasty and I hate chimps. They tear people's faces off. They attack after years of being mollycoddled and treated like family by the poor weirdos who keep them as pets. Ihatechimpsihatechimpsihatechimps.

This video clip of chimp manipulation is taking things too far, I tell you. Look how far the chimp folk will go to shove their chimp agenda down our collective throats.

I'm with Charlton Heston on this one. Get your filthy hands off me you goddamn dirty ape*.

*yes I know...different from chimps. But Cornelius and Zira were chimps. Just go with it, OK?

Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 11:16 AM

I was anticipating a classic TK bait and switch on the content. Despite my gratitude for the lack of just such a violation, I still feel somehow let down.

Excellent. I succeeded in a bait and switch on the bait and switch, and you still end up unhappy. I'd say my work here is done. -TK

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 11:22 AM

Others might rest on their "cruel" laurels, but not you TK. I respect your professionalism and the devotion your bring to your craft. And I'm kind of scared of you. Bravo.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 11:29 AM

Paddydog, me too. I was ready to let cute Disney monkeys tug at my tear ducts and then Random Shitty College Band came on and I lost it.

BWeaves, Aaah! Why'd you have to remind me of that? That Chimp attack 911 call thing on Youtube almost makes me tear up too but for entirely different reasons.

Posted by: Paultera at April 21, 2011 11:32 AM

No poo flinging? Not even CGI poo? What kind of fuckery is this?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 21, 2011 11:34 AM

Yeah, it's totally heartwarming until the dominant male in the troop snatches the baby chimp out of its mother's arms and EATS IT IN FRONT OF HER. This apparently happens a lot with chimpanzees, because they are EVIL.

Posted by: Craig at April 21, 2011 11:35 AM

Disney: force-feeding you cute until you shit out rainbows for over 80 years!

Posted by: Fredo at April 21, 2011 11:37 AM

Oh quit yer bellyachin.

Bad as the coulrophobes.

Posted by: Jay at April 21, 2011 11:38 AM

Klingonfree:

You disappoint me. Yeah, chimps attack humans who keep them as pets/baby substitutes. You know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS. Hate the ignorant idiotic people who think they can take a ferocious beast and treat it like a five year old human, not the poor chimps who are simply doing what they naturally.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 21, 2011 11:55 AM

Jay:

You do know Sarah Jane was a famous coulrophobe?

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 21, 2011 11:56 AM

This shit is going to make more money than Avitar.

Posted by: Mike D at April 21, 2011 12:04 PM

I hate that I disappoint you Paddy. I know they are wild. I know that. But I can hate them when they are wild too, right?

Here are some other wild animals I hate. Maybe I'm irrational and disappointing but I still hate them: Snails and slugs, flies, Madagascar hissing beetles, flies, potato bugs, flies, all monkeys, and the aforementioned chimps. And flies.

If Disney ever makes a fly movie, I think I'll have to do meself a harm.

Can we still be friends, Paddy?

Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 12:10 PM

Then that's her shortcoming.

Posted by: Jay at April 21, 2011 12:13 PM

Bonobo Chimps are pretty hypersexual. That's probably why Disney drove the baby's family away, what with the constant circle jerks and family orgies. Much easier to edit out one chimp playing with himself than it is for the lot of 'em.

So thanks, Disney, for keeping our kids safe from chimp porn.

Posted by: beet salad at April 21, 2011 12:18 PM

Oh, beet salad why did you have to mention that bonobos. My brain followed the path from there directly to that chimp/frog thing.

/shudders

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 12:42 PM

Speaking of frogs I need to add that I hope Disney never makes a film about Surinam Toads. Now that's a case of The Creeps I'll never shake.

Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 12:44 PM

Klingonfree, well done on the fly hate. There's nothing irrational about that. They walk across shit AND THEN LAND ON YOUR FOOD. Also, they vomit and walk through that too. Flies are fucking disgusting.

Posted by: Jeni at April 21, 2011 12:49 PM

Mrs. Julien, thanks for making me spray tea all over my keyboard. I'd completely forgotten about the chimp frog rape thing.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 21, 2011 12:54 PM

I'll see your surinam toad and raise you a hagfish.

I resemble that remark.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 12:55 PM

And with the reports of disgusting animals and their intra and inter-species violations we have come full circle to create freaky horror for TK. And he didn't have to do anything but post a video.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 12:57 PM

Of course we can still be friends klingonfree. Your many positive talents far outweigh your irrational hatred of our little evolutionary cousins.

I'm still friends with Mrs. Julien even though yesterday I found out she ranks me on the lowest tier of the Pajiba outrage index.

I'm even still friends with BWeaves even though she once described me as a mindless idiot.

Not that I'm harboring and nurturing these little slights and grudges. No. Not at all. They're like water off a duck's back. Nope. I never lie awake at night plotting revenge on those who have dissed me. Hardly ever.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 21, 2011 1:01 PM

And BWeaves called you judgmental the other day.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 1:09 PM

And he didn't have to do anything but post a video.

If you listen very closely, you should be able to hear the faint sound of maniacal cackling.

If you keep listening, you'll then hear the faint sound of lunch being spilled on pants.

Posted by: branded at April 21, 2011 1:11 PM

"They're like water off a duck's back."

Better than a surinam toad's back.

Brrrrrr.

Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 1:16 PM

"And BWeaves called you judgmental the other day."

Pulls out Unforgivable Insult Archive, Volume VIII. Goes to BWeaves' tab. Enters large X with blood-filled ink in column just below "sneak in at night and tangle up all of her yarn"

Wait...I call myself judgmental all the time. Do I need to start planning my own comewppance?

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 21, 2011 1:17 PM

inter-species violations we have come full circle to create freaky horror for TK. And he didn't have to do anything but post a video.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 12:57 PM

It's called: inter-species erotica.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 21, 2011 1:18 PM

Not by the frog.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 21, 2011 1:20 PM

YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Barbado: Red Band Trailer

Posted by: idleprimate at April 21, 2011 1:52 PM

No worries klingonfree. Chimps, as well as humans and gorillas among others, are considered apes. It's kind of a square > rectangle sort of thing.

Now you know, GI Joe.*
*Added for GI Joe reference not to sound like a know it all. I don't need a lame sign off to do that.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at April 21, 2011 2:11 PM

I already saw this movie, it was called "The Bear".

Posted by: snapnhiss at April 21, 2011 3:30 PM

Could be worse, they could have lead you right up to the baby chimp adoption then lead, cajoled, forced, pushed the entire troupe (troope?) over a cliff like Disney did with the lemmings back in the day.

also if you just lock the tequila and the xanax in the liquor cabinet, I am relatively sure the chances of your face being torn off by your pet chimp are slim to "barbados"...

then again, Maybe it explains Michael Jackson's continued need for plastic surgery..

Posted by: JuiceinLA at April 21, 2011 3:40 PM

I love monkey movies and this of course looks adorable.
But, now I am much more concerned about the "monkey frog rape thing" you guys seem to be mentioning so casually. Is it anything like the turtle humping the shoe? Of course it's not. Please share.

Posted by: daria at April 21, 2011 4:57 PM

Some of those making comments here sound less educated and refined than chimpanzees. Learn to speak with respect for others who may not care to read your profanity.

Posted by: Carol at April 21, 2011 5:42 PM

Daria, there are some things that can't be unseen. I just googled it, really wish I hadn't and if I can save you some brain bleach I will. Seriously, I puked in my mouth.

Posted by: the bees knees at April 21, 2011 5:50 PM

Indeed Carol. Why, my monocle fell directly into my snifter when I saw what foul language was bestowed upon mine tender eyes.

Posted by: Paultera at April 21, 2011 6:08 PM

sonofaWHORE!! idk what in the what Bonobos have to do with a Surinam toad, or why, after the bees knees told me NOT to I went and googled it anyway, but I just totally saw that toad birth tiny baby frogs about of the "pores" on its back and I want to be dead now.

Posted by: beet salad at April 21, 2011 6:17 PM

nobody appreciates art, lighting, performance and cinematography anymore.

philistines

Posted by: idleprimate at April 21, 2011 6:37 PM

Carol seems to have a sand like powdery substance inside her vaginal area.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 21, 2011 7:06 PM

I'm not sure if I'm more appalled by the grasp of primatology in this thread or by Disney's utter lack of it in manipulating chimp footage into a "family-friendly" film.

As a side note, many experts in phylogeny now agree that chimps and humans really belong in the same genus, and the barrier between Pan and Homo is pretty much something invented to make us feel separate and superior.

Frankly, there's nothing a chimp has done that we haven't done bigger and uglier, kids.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at April 21, 2011 8:39 PM

beet salad! You fool! Never google the surinam toad! You can never un-see that. Neverever.

Posted by: klingonfree at April 21, 2011 8:54 PM

Eggs implanted in the skin doesn't seem any more horrifying than having an 8 pound parasite growing inside your abdomen.

Posted by: snapnhiss at April 21, 2011 10:24 PM

yeah, all fine and good, with your latent monkey love expressions - when's the next "Choose Your Own Soundtrack"?!?

Posted by: Leroy Grey at April 22, 2011 12:47 AM

I wonder if they'll show the video of the woman having her eyeballs ripped out and her face torn off by her pet chimp

Posted by: Protoguy at April 22, 2011 1:37 PM

I would add that these types of movies are EXACTLY the reason why people think it's ok to have chimps as pets and then get their faces ripped off.

Disney's anthropomorphism has always been a problem, but they used to be able to shrug off criticism because it was a cartoon. Now it's the real thing and just like 101 Dalmations, expect instances of chimp ownership, chimp attacks and chimp-pet abandonment to excalate.

Posted by: Protoguy at April 22, 2011 6:00 PM

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