Dear John, which stars Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum, is the latest Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook) atrocity to hit the big screen. And the man has himself a formula: Bring two attractive people together, have them go bump in the ugly, and then separate their asses for an extended period of time, while the hausfraus in the audience drown in Kleenex.
Dear John follows the same pattern — a soldier on leave from the Iraq War falls in love with a conservative college student. Why conservative? Maybe it’s her decision: Send her man back out of love for the country, or keep him home, out of love for his 8-inch village idiot.
Granted, Dear John, in addition to Amanda Seyfried, also has Oscar nominated Lasse Halstrom on board to direct, but to be honest, he hasn’t made anything good in a decade. Rounding out the cast are also Richard Jenkins and Scott Porter, and a ridiculous callback to a thumb over the moon. Goodness groaning gracious.
I do not think " 8' " means what you think it means. You must have designed Stonehenge for Spinal Tap, too.
(Although if it's REALLY 8 feet ... well, this I gotta see.)
Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 15, 2009 10:48 AM
Shit, are normal movies taking their makeup cues from vampire movies now? Seyfried should not be made to look like an undead whore!
Posted by: ed newman at October 15, 2009 10:53 AM
You forgot Nicholas Sparks' pattern of killing one or both of them off at the end, in increasingly ridiculous ways, just to make everyone cry. 'Say, is that a storm I see on the horizon? Let me get in my itty bitty boat and go for a sail!'
I can't watch this movie. It looks like it is dripping so much corn syrup that it would flat-out kill my diabetic ass.
If the guy really is 8', then the only woman in the world who could handle him is probably Storm Large, who's "vagina is eight miles wide." (I fucking adore that song!) Except, I think she'd kick the entire crew right in the ass on the first day of filming, hop on the horse and ride off to wherever the fuck Nicholas Sparks is raping English literature these days, strangle him between her mighty thighs, and ride off into the sunset like the magnificent goddess she is.
No I'm not a fangirl SHUT UP GAWD!!!!1!
Posted by: Cat at October 15, 2009 10:57 AM
I don't believe it!
Posted by: Adere at October 15, 2009 10:57 AM
but will it have the crack up jokes of "a walk to remember"?
nicholas sparks never lets you down on the comedy gold.
Posted by: rio at October 15, 2009 11:01 AM
"Bring to attractive people together..."
That should read, "Bring two attractive..."
*Sigh*
Posted by: androstarr at October 15, 2009 11:02 AM
I mean, a film named "Dear John" with letters from a distraught girlfriend to a serviceman? Spoiler Alert: The dog dies.
Posted by: branded at October 15, 2009 11:08 AM
Who actually writes letters anymore?
Posted by: Samantha at October 15, 2009 11:14 AM
I think when he spews such venom, Dustin is unable to proofread or use appropriate grammar. I felt the negative energy of his post all the way to Georgia.
Posted by: Goddess at October 15, 2009 11:26 AM
Oh, a movie about two conventionally attractive people with boring personalities entering into a syrup-sweet-boring-as-asphalt relationship with each other despite mundane and easily avoidable yet seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Distance I was aware of when I joined the military! Oh my! An easily foreseeable war I happened to forget about when I joined the military! Sweet Jesus! An author as my creator who both denies that he writes romance novels and founded a Christian school called "The Epiphany School"! Shit fuck! A cast that includes "that buff guy who got his break playing a janitor who teaches a white ballerina to dance hip-hop" and "that blonde girl who starred opposite Meryl Streep but seems to be just stupid enough to ignore that industry bargaining chip and agree to star in awful Nicholas Sparks adaptation movies"! Fuck me rotten! A purse that falls off a tiny dock into perfectly calm and pleasant looking water! HOLY CHRIST NO!
Posted by: sheshakes at October 15, 2009 11:38 AM
If the whole film is those two touching and kissing in various states of undress I'll rent it.
Posted by: becks at October 15, 2009 11:41 AM
AGREE!
Posted by: paul at October 15, 2009 11:46 AM
This is sheshanks's world, we're just living in it.
Posted by: Cat at October 15, 2009 11:55 AM
I didn't actually watch the trailer the first time because it looks like a bag of cat crap set on fire and left on your doorstep after the doorbell rings. Just don't touch it, let it burn off, and then shovel it off into the begonias where it can be of some use, perhaps.
But now the shit is on the shoes, so to speak, and I have to say, she really delivers a Padme Amidala-esque performance here. If she talks about how much she loves the water or how Soulja Boy is "breaking her heart!!!1!" I'll...well, I'll not know about it because I won't go see this, ever.
And I pity the poor theater attendant who has to clean up the theater seats after this movie, as this is clearly just porn for the 14-year-old fundy girl set.
Posted by: Cat at October 15, 2009 12:03 PM
It couldn't be worse than Jennifer's Body, unless... that Notebook fuckwit... okay, it'll be much worse than Jennifer's Body. Say goodbye to your career, Amanda Seyfred.
@ tcfkab: the average snausage is more like 4 - 4.5"
@ samantha: I happen to still write letters, about half of the time. Usually to
those I only see once in a blue moon. Gotta keep up my penmanship - hee hee.
@ ed newman: Yes, that's how the men like to see/have thier womanz made
up. ++ 'petite', easy, dumb as a post, non-opinion, plastic plumped, subservient
and bleach blond {Rant = Bitter part of 1. Personals dating sucks butt}
Posted by: Ms MoMo at October 15, 2009 12:11 PM
I have no idea what that was about. I was completely distracted by Tatum's dorky combover. Why would you ruin the hotness like that?
/shallow
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 15, 2009 12:43 PM
Man alive do I detest Nicholas Sparks. I've read 83 books for the Cannonball Read, and the only one I couldn't get through was some Sparks monstrosity that literally made me gag in the first ten pages.
He needs to burn. Right along with Stephenie Meyer, James Patterson and Dan Brown, he's on my literature shit list. Books are sacred to me, but I'd happily burn copies of their books to the high heavens.
*ahem* I mean, thank you for that interesting bit of information, Ms MoMo. You must have gone to great lengths to acquire it.
Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 15, 2009 1:13 PM
@tcfkab:
Actually, if her findings are any indication, she likely went to small to average lengths to find her information.
(Rimshot!)
Posted by: Cat at October 15, 2009 1:19 PM
@Ms MoMo: Awesome! I'm forever trying to get friends to engage in ye olde letter-writing, but nobody will join in. :(
Posted by: Samantha at October 15, 2009 1:46 PM
Poor Amanda Seyfried. She's so pretty, and anyone who's watched Veronica Mars or Big Love knows that she's a good actress and charming to boot, but what is she doing?! A Nicholas Sparks adaptation? Lily Kane would spit on this monstrosity!
, (TCFKAB)
I expected more of you.
Come on Big Daddy, I know you have more than a mere 'above average' remark for that set up.
Like "whips out yard stick" for example.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 15, 2009 3:58 PM
When I watched the trailer two thoughs jumped out to me:" How can a piece of a wood jump into the water?" and "How does a wood stick have thumbs to cover the moon?"
Hey movie, it's one thing to waste Amenda Seyfried, it's another to make us think that a fake, inanimate object is real.
Posted by: Corey W. at October 15, 2009 6:27 PM
Come on Big Daddy, I know you have more than a mere 'above average' remark for that set up. Like "whips out yard stick" for example.
You should become his chief writer and feed him the jokes. Make him overly dependent on your innuendo wordsmithery and enter into an inappropriate relationship that leaks to the public. Then he's forced to admit to everyone in a supposedly heart-warmingly frank speech that it was all true -- but you wrote his speech too. So he reads a Harry Potter/Draco slash fanfic to the world without a conscious thought. Then when he's ruined by Rowling's lawyers you run away giggling into the sunset.
Posted by: Goldie at October 15, 2009 7:14 PM
Nicholas Sparks is one of the many reasons I don't believe in heterosexual marriage.
Posted by: greer at October 15, 2009 7:17 PM
'Dear John'? So this is an adaptation of that sitcom from the eighties?
Awesome!
Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 15, 2009 8:36 PM
My goodness, that was bad. I think the only thing I'll ever like Channing Tatum in is that "Dirty Dancing" video with Charlyne Yi. "I'm eating Jujubees to stay alive! I'm balancing on shit, here!"
Posted by: Katie (KP) at October 15, 2009 9:44 PM
Heck no, this is based off the fabulous Skeeter Davis song!
Posted by: Gabs at October 15, 2009 9:55 PM
Can't believe they used "Set the fire to the third bar" for this trailer, that's profanity right there.
Posted by: Irina at October 16, 2009 5:23 PM
THAT'S Amanda Seyfried, wow, they really de-hotted her for Jennifer's Body. I wonder whose request That was?...
Posted by: The Emeny at October 17, 2009 2:58 AM
Aw,it looks like a sweet movie. You guys are ass holes. Furthermore, you are perpetuating stereotypes. The word is out that all film critics are gay, and here you all are blatantly dissing an Amanda--gay tester--Seyfried film. If you don't like it, you've been outed. That's it.
Posted by: larry at November 2, 2009 2:19 AM
These comments AND review have obviously come from people who have not read the book and actually know nothing about the story line. Do not sit and make your judgments and accusations without actual facts and information. Yes it may have the attractive couple pair who fall in love and face troubles story line but it is definitely not your typical love story. Not saying you have to go and see it but do not bash something you really know nothing about! It looks like it is going to be a great movie to me and it will probably do great in the ratings and win so many hearts and then it can shut all of you sad love haters up!
Posted by: Gretchen at November 2, 2009 6:40 AM
Emeny wrote:
"THAT'S Amanda Seyfried, wow, they really de-hotted her for Jennifer's Body. I wonder whose request That was?..."
She isn't really exceptionally beautiful. It's just that she has a gorgeous smile and brightness that doesn't come through in still photographs. She looked sort of ugly in Mean Girls. I like her better without makeup.
Posted by: larry at November 2, 2009 11:12 AM
Gabs wrote:
"Heck no, this is based off the fabulous Skeeter Davis song!"
Hell yes. Amanda Seyfried dropped her purse off the pier, and the other girl was throwing something off the tallahache bridge--presumbably symbolic vaginas in both stories. And in both cases the guy jumped in to rescue it. The only difference is that the Skeeter Davis guy failed because he was gay.
Posted by: larry at November 8, 2009 10:42 PM
Oops. That wasn't the "Skeeter Davis" song. It was the Bobby Gentry song.
Posted by: Larry at December 21, 2009 1:20 AM
WOW I CAN T BELIEVE YA ARE ALL ARGUING AND MAKING FUN OF A MOVIE YA NEVER WATCHED OF?? AND ONCE AND FOR ALL ITS JUST A DAMM MOVIE. LIKE SERIOUSLY. NO NEED TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. I THINK ON MY OWN TERMS THAT IT WILL COME OUT GREATER THAN ANY OTHER MOVIES YA THINK ARE GOOD. DONT HATE ON THE DIRECTOR. IT MUST BE GOOD ENOUGH TO HIT THEATRES! YOU HATERS! HAHAHAHHA
Posted by: Lisa Sweety at January 28, 2010 4:22 PM
Give 'em hell Lisa.
Posted by: larry at January 29, 2010 2:14 PM
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I do not think " 8' " means what you think it means. You must have designed Stonehenge for Spinal Tap, too.
(Although if it's REALLY 8 feet ... well, this I gotta see.)