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Conan The Barbarian Trailer: Contemplate This On The Tree Of Woe

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (21)

conanteaser.jpg

OK, so I’ll admit it. I’ve given the upcoming remake of Conan The Barbarian a not-too-healthy ration of shit over the past year. I’ve ragged on star Jason Momoa despite never having seen him act, I’ve mocked director Marcus Nispel, and Lord knows I’ve taken some pretty cynical shots at the writing staff. There’s a fine line between reporting and opining, and I, perhaps unfairly, left that line in the dust several months ago.

Now we’ve got the first trailer, and I’m here to tell you… I’m pretty sure I’m fucking right. This looks horrendous.

“I live. I love. I slay. And I am content.”

Holy shit, really? And will he have an expression other than “petulant sneer?” Someone needs to Zoolanderify this motherfucker. I’m not even going to get into the even-worse-that-usual trailer voice, since it doesn’t really have any bearing on the film.

Still, this is just a teaser, with little actual footage. So maybe it’ll…

Nah.

This is most decidedly not what is best in life.









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Comments

Ahahahahhahaahaha this looks like balls.

And that guy's forehead, she is massive.

Posted by: figgy at March 15, 2011 12:20 PM

"Steel is strong. Flesh is stronger!"

Unfortunately, this movie looks like tinfoil.

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 15, 2011 1:11 PM

Arnold would rip this guys arms off and beat him with them.

Posted by: logan at March 15, 2011 1:12 PM

No attempt to re-make this film should be done without having the Conan actor cycle anabolics for a few years. Krom would never award this guy a kingdom.

Posted by: gunnertec at March 15, 2011 1:42 PM

Ooof, woe indeed.

I need to destroy these people, have them driven before me and hear the lamentation of their women.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 15, 2011 1:47 PM

Show them the trailer Slim.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 15, 2011 1:57 PM

*hangs head*

Posted by: DeistBrawler at March 15, 2011 3:04 PM

I don't even buy this guy as Thundarr. Hey, how the hell hasn't Thundarr been made into a movie? A post-apocalyptic barbarian with a lightning sword, a hot sorcerer sidekick and the awesomeness that is Ookla? Yet we get the Smurfs?

Yes, I watched a lot of cartoons as a kid. So?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 15, 2011 3:54 PM

I may alone in this, but I'm actually looking forward to it being a horrible good time. So far it has exceeded my very low expectations. And I'm curious about the villian, too. Please please please let it be a scenery-chewer. Then it will be perfect.

Posted by: Chickaboom at March 15, 2011 4:05 PM

Thoughts--this guy's forehead has lumps. How does a forehead get lumps? Also--I think he wears B-cup (or maybe smaller C-cup) bras.

Posted by: True_Blue at March 15, 2011 4:33 PM

When your imdb bio lists model before actor, probably not a good thing.

Posted by: benjiep at March 15, 2011 4:49 PM

Conan butchers the quote. The true barbarian warrior's creed:

"I kill! I maim! I fray! I mulch!"
--Groo the Wanderer

Posted by: Soulless Merchant of Fear at March 15, 2011 5:03 PM

Please please please let him not fuck up Game of Thrones. He'll be speaking a made-up language so I'm hoping he won't be too awful...

Posted by: Snath at March 15, 2011 7:06 PM

Imma be honest, Momoa would have to work pretty hard to burn his bridges with me, mostly because of how he looked in Stargate Atlantis, which is to say, like six feet of sexual ardour and a genuine possibility he would ROCK your fucking WORLD.

But this...this might be a problem. Jason needs to slim back down, get back into the surfer vibe, and keep making me want to learn to surf in the nude, and I don't have to start driving my enemies before me and hearing the lamentations of their bitch ass wimmin.

Posted by: Nadine at March 15, 2011 7:42 PM

Based on the visuals i was waiting for:
"An all new Syfy Original".

Posted by: Scott at March 15, 2011 8:02 PM

This looks bad. That is all.

Posted by: Illuminatus at March 15, 2011 9:01 PM

After watching that, I really don't want to live forever.

Posted by: branded at March 15, 2011 9:51 PM

"“I live. I love. I slay. And I am content.”

Holy shit, really?"

Ya, really. It's a paraphrased quote from one of the original stories by Robert E. Howard. Who created the character back in 1932, before Ahnold was even born.

Not that I'm defending this atrocious trailer, or particularly optimistic for the film as a whole, but that line is truer to Conan than a swipe from Genghis Khan could ever be.

Posted by: Al Harron at March 16, 2011 2:23 AM

As the great philosopher Stephen Fry once said:

"Trailers normally also employ:
A deep voice.
That sounds like a seven-foot-tall man.
Who has been smoking cigarettes since childhood."

The only positive thing about this trailer.

Posted by: Rooks at March 16, 2011 6:32 AM

Nadine... agree about SGA, he was like a big cat in that show. Large, powerful and kind of scary but so very beautiful to look at. I didn't think his (limited) acting was that bad either. He's good at playing a large, menacing (sexy) man. And I liked his swimmer's body better than this one.

Posted by: snapnhiss at March 16, 2011 7:46 AM

All the fanboys in the house need to chill. It's not like they are remaking a masterpiece of cinema. Was Arnold's performance in the original some kind of subtle character study and I missed the point?

Plus, the placement of the hilt of his sword in the header pic is giving me dirty, sweaty thoughts.

Posted by: bokchoi at March 16, 2011 11:52 AM