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Conan the Barbarian Trailer: Choke on a Sword, F*ckos!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (38)

jasonmomoaconan.jpg

You want the long version or the short one? OK, here’s the short version: When I was 8, after my parents split because my gay father was sleeping with a 19-year-old cashier at his store and my mother tried to take her life in front of her children and ended up in a mental institution (the one in Sling Blade!) for three months and then still managed to get custody in the ensuing divorce but lost it when my six year old brother busted open his head while I was babysitting, my mother would take us to the movies with her weekend visit because she got free movie passes from the molestering customers at the honky tonk where she was a cocktail waitress before she got Epstein Barr (total fake disease!) and retired with disability at the age of 38. (True story!)

Anyway, with these movie passes, she once took us to Conan the Barbarian, because what could be more appropriate for three children under 8 than Conan the Barbarian? Anyway, I don’t remember much about the movie at the time except that, at some point, my mother hauled us out of the movie. Not because of the violence, or the language, but because of the naked breasts.

You gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

Anyway, here’s the trailer for the Conan the Barbarian remake, which was clearly powerful enough to bring back a lot of fond memories of my childhood. Actually, it looks cheesy, terrible, and totally fucking radtastic. It’s nice to see a real action hero again, one that could lay waste to every one of this summer’s candy-ass superheroes.










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Comments

It's missing Arnie, James Earl Jones and the 80's!

Three key ingredients that made the old movie great!

Still, I'll give it a go. Stephen Lang looks badass, that has to count for something!

Posted by: MurderBot at May 5, 2011 8:18 AM

Does everyhting in Conanland make a "snikt" sound? Apparently just waving a sword through the air makes the same sound as striking something made of metal.

Posted by: Markus at May 5, 2011 8:39 AM

By Crom!

Posted by: trib at May 5, 2011 9:02 AM

Looks like a fun Sunday afternoon.

Posted by: keith at May 5, 2011 9:08 AM

He pulled a chain to hit a horse in the face. I can't let that image go. Also, anyone else watch this with the "Conan the Musical" songs in their head? ...No? Just me? ...ok then....

Posted by: KatSings at May 5, 2011 9:17 AM

Was that a double bladed sword?! That's means that Conan will be 2/3 as awesome as The Sword and the Sorcerer. Plus, I bet the serpent priestess likes it Dothraki Horse Lord style.

Posted by: admin at May 5, 2011 9:27 AM

Eh, mebbe. Ever since The 80's The Thing outdid the 50's Thing I still have hope. Because the 50's one kicked ass and still does, despite the awesomeness that is the Russel Thing. Personally, I think it's going to look like a shiny version of Sorbo's Hercules.

Markus, there are an innumerable number of things like that that make me insane, but I've tried to ignore them. Like tires squealing on gravel. People outrunning explosions. People grabbing the blade part of any weapon with their hands. "Blood" oaths, bonds, whatever always being done before battle and always using an appendage that is going to very soon be desperately needed. I mean, you're going into battle for your life and you handicap yourself by slicing open your sword-hand palm? That scream.

You know the one. I want to start a website to simply collect clips where it's been used. Yes you do know the one I mean - the best example I can give is the scream at the end of the opening to "AAAH! Real Monsters!" on Nickelodeon. I've head it in every trailer since 1995 and in countless commercials, tv shows, ring tones. Once you know it, you'll never miss it. They even put it where it's not necessary. I just hope whoever made that sound clip gets residuals.

Damn, someone has the same obsession:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1O_E32UquKM
http://youtu.be/oKRU-xpC_IU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3WimCPUkQY

Posted by: Protoguy at May 5, 2011 9:37 AM

Jesus Dustin, how did you end up being so freaking normal? That's one screwed up childhood.

Posted by: Me at May 5, 2011 9:44 AM

Lets be real here folks Arnold OWNED this role. This is gonna tank.

Posted by: logan at May 5, 2011 9:47 AM

That header pic... what... how... i didn't know that nipples were even capable of scowling.

Posted by: firedmyass at May 5, 2011 9:52 AM

Protoguy: Are you referring to the Wilhelm Scream used in every Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and countless other movies, tv shows, and video games? I can't access the video here, but here's a wiki on it. Personally, I LOVE the Wilhelm.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilhelm_scream

Posted by: TylerDFC at May 5, 2011 10:05 AM

Protoguy, are you talking about the Wilhelm scream? It has been a sort of in-joke for sound engineers since the original Star Wars resurrected it. Wikipedia has an article that goes over the background of it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilhelm_scream

Posted by: Douchebag McGee at May 5, 2011 10:14 AM

E;FB, should have hit refresh first. Jinx, TylerDFC!

Posted by: Douchebag McGee at May 5, 2011 10:15 AM

(which he found as a studio reel labeled "Man being eaten by alligator")
---
Well, who could resist?

Posted by: , at May 5, 2011 10:31 AM

Ah, Wilhelm, you make every movie better. Literally, every movie.

I was not interested in this at all, until this trailer. If the next trailer makes any reference to the women of Conan's enemies lamentating, I'll be there.

Posted by: RobP at May 5, 2011 10:38 AM

Damn it Dustin. Just...do you need hug?

Also, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmomoa.


Rose McGowan actually looked cool as shit, I was just the other day lamenting what she's done to herself with plastic surgery(not what happened to her face in a car crash, but her actual addiction to plastic surgery which has made her look ultra freaky) but the make up there is kind of awesome.

This looks deliriously fun, my only issue;
how do you have a trailer for Conan where his first appearance longer than a blink is ONE MINUTE in, and throughout 2 minutes 15 seconds of said trailer, he's on screen for about 30 seconds?


But Mmmmmmmostly.....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmomoa

Posted by: Nadine at May 5, 2011 10:54 AM

RobP: "If the next trailer makes any reference to the women of Conan's enemies lamentating, I'll be there."

I read that as, "If the next trailer makes any reference to the women of Conan's enemies lactating, I'll be there."

I must have scowling nipples on the mind.

On two completely different notes:

He hit a horse in the face with a chain?

How the hell did Dustin end up so normal? Then again, we are assuming, here.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 5, 2011 11:05 AM

I was also waiting to hear about Conan hearing the lamenting of wimmins. Disappointed, frankly. Next trailer though...

Posted by: Nadine at May 5, 2011 11:13 AM

Hate to be a nerd, but Protoguy isn't talking about the Wilhelm scream. He's actually talking about Gut Wrenching Scream and Falling Into Distance.

Totally different scream, same gorgeous ubiquity.

Lookie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hf6_hok4-lo

Posted by: Pinto at May 5, 2011 11:20 AM

Insufficiently barbaric.

Posted by: PaulB at May 5, 2011 12:09 PM

Pinto, that is actually AWESOME. You're no nerd.

Posted by: Nadine at May 5, 2011 12:11 PM

Ewww....spit talking!

the boinking preview has genuinely piqued my interest now but i'm afraid i mite get a hard on for the wrong pair of breasts

Posted by: haplo at May 5, 2011 12:50 PM

Meh. I'll probably check it out on DVD or something. It's just not the same without ass-kicking Valeria, either. Maybe she's in there somewhere, but all I saw in the trailer was a chick waving a sword around in one shot and then chained and bawling like a freaking baby in the next, and from then on it was mostly just women going "CONAN!" a bunch of times. Lame.

In the original movie, all the damsels in distress and gratuitous boobies of Conan were neutralized for me, as an equality-minded lady, by the pure awesome of Valeria. For little baby me, she turned the Conan world into a world where lots of women WERE totally chauvinist stereotypes, but lots of women also WEREN'T, and were tough ass-kicking bitches who were nonetheless unafraid to also be WOMEN and be sexy and strong and fall in love with men and stuff. (Thanks for keeping the dream alive in movie two, Grace Jones.) For little baby me, it was AWESOME. For once, I didn't actually have to pretend I was a dude just to play as my fictional hero. Do you know how hard it is for an 8 year old girl to convince people that she's Batman? REALLY HARD, YOU GUYS.

I just don't get any of that at all from this trailer. Maybe it's just a crappy trailer. But since its job is to sell me this movie, I guess it failed.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at May 5, 2011 1:02 PM

I'd happily pay to see Conan the Barbarian's mere presence cause his enemies' women to lactate, too, BWeaves.

As for the scream, all ubiquitous screams are the Wilhelm to me. Just variations on a theme.

Posted by: RobP at May 5, 2011 1:40 PM

Am I the only one who now thinks that maybe SLW should do a "Storytellers" column on the Dustin Rowles biopic?

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 5, 2011 2:05 PM

I am sooo seeing that on cable

Posted by: yifatshaik at May 5, 2011 3:04 PM

Aw yeah

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at May 5, 2011 3:41 PM

I wasn't planning on seeing this, but after this trailer, I just might take in a matinee. Ah-nuld always left me cold, whether in Conan or Kindergarden Cop. (Okay, so the first two Terminator films were all right.) But Jason Momoa, barechested, flowy-locked, and waving a giant sword? Mmmmmm, yeahhhhhh ...

Posted by: PDamian at May 5, 2011 5:26 PM

This looks better than I expected (granted, my expectations were at the dire end of the spectrum) but there's something I just have to ask because it's sticking in my head:

Is Conan wearing eyeshadow? Is he going through a phase?

Does he own more than three "The Cure" albums, I guess is what I'm asking.

Posted by: Wintermute at May 5, 2011 6:00 PM

dustin, what did i say the other day about you needing to call your mother? god i feel awful for talking without knowing all the facts (common human dilemma methinks). still, it's curious you bring this stuff up. i think nadine has the right idea: hug!

as for this movie, as i watched the trailer i kept thinking green lantern or conan? i'll just stay home.

Posted by: splinter at May 5, 2011 6:36 PM

Will there be naked breasts?


Female that is.

Posted by: clancys_daddy at May 5, 2011 7:32 PM

I think the real question is, "Will he, like his predecessor, "Mongo" both a horse AND camel?"


....


Okay, I know to the inexperienced, that question sounded exceptionally filthy. Trust me it's not. Then again...

Posted by: bleujayone at May 5, 2011 10:36 PM

I think you have the right one Pinto. Though I've heard it described as the "Howie" scream.

As long as there's no Sandal Bergman it should be better than the first.

Posted by: Protoguy at May 5, 2011 11:15 PM

It's interesting how many people were more interested in commenting on Conan than they were on the obviously more interesting story of your childhood. Did they even read what you wrote, or skip directly to the clip?

Dustin, that sounds awful. All of it. It sounds confusing and painful...and just awful. I doubt anyone here can empathize.

For what it's worth, I appreciate who you are today. We're not friends by any stretch of the imagination, and I don't know much about you. But I know that you bring me a lot of joy. And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Best wishes.

Posted by: Matthew Asente at May 6, 2011 1:17 AM

This is a sad excuse for the franchise name. I really wish Arnie had gotten a production together and made King Conan like he planned back when he was still somewhat in his prime. Otherwise the series should have never been revived.

Posted by: Muteki at May 6, 2011 10:13 AM

Nat Kittyface: Valeria won't be in the film, as this isn't a remake of the 1982 film. I hold out hope that Tamara will be as proactive, though I sadly doubt it.

Valeria is very loosely based on a character from one of the original Robert E. Howard stories, "Red Nails." She's portrayed as the closest anyone, man or woman, comes to Conan's equal. She kicks ass.

Even more kickass are the original Red Sonya from the non-Conan "The Shadow of the Vulture" and Dark Agnes from "The Sword Woman," "Blades for France" and "Mistress of Death." They're truly ahead of their time when it comes to kickass female heroines.

Posted by: Taranaich at May 6, 2011 2:15 PM

It’s nice to see a real action hero again, one that could lay waste to every one of this summer’s candy-ass superheroes.

You're kidding me, right Rowles? I mean, you could make a case about Captain America and others, but Thor would laugh in Conan's stupid face.

Does everyhting in Conanland make a "snikt" sound?

I was more distracted by the three of those "Yeeaaaaarrggghghgh" screams. Not the Wilhelm scream, the other one.

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Posted by: Dexter Egolf at June 15, 2011 2:48 AM