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DO NOT TRUST CHILDREN. EVER.

By TK | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (21)

Case-39a.jpg

People wonder why I don’t have children. THIS. THIS IS WHY.

Because Hollywood has essentially taught us that children are either misbehaving monsters who fuck up your house, or literal monsters who fuck up your house. And frankly, I had a hard enough time teaching my damn dogs how to use the damn dog door. I don’t need the added hassle of wide-mouth tooth-demons and swallowing beds and having to worry about vomiting up bees.

What I’m saying is, I got enough shit on my plate, people. I don’t need evil crazy girl. Or even if she’s not evil crazy girl, she’s fucking haunted or hunted by devils or watching videotapes she shouldn’t be or being some creepy as fuck Culkin child, and then next thing you know horses are jumping off of boats and Brian Cox is half-butt-naked in my bathroom electrocuting himself, and who wants that? WHO, I ASK YOU?

Wait, what movie are we talking about again?

MY POINT. Children are clearly evil and not to be trusted. Oh, yeah, yours is a fucking angel, I’m sure. Don’t come crying to me when your walls are bleeding and crows are flying through your chimney and tearing at your eye goo and shit’s flying around and you just KNOW there’ll be some kind of fucked up clown or corn-monster. Because that’s the kind of luck I have.

Anyway. Here’s a bunch of clips from Case 39, starring Blandly O’Handsome and Squinty McEmotestoomuch. And that fucking kid from Eclipse who is clearly going to bring hell into your house and Squinty should have just put her shit in a fucking home if she had any goddamn sense at all.

FUCK, people. Kids are a nightmare, is all I’m saying.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.









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Comments

Yeahbut, Ian McShane.
He'll fuck those cocksuckers up, mightily, won't he?

Posted by: Rykker at September 21, 2010 11:14 AM

Well that's a giant ball of meh.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at September 21, 2010 11:20 AM

I want to understand Renee Zellweger's face. It just looks like it hurts to be her. It's like it's on too tight, but not in the surgical way. In the I'm-down-to-the-final-layer-of-flesh-before-you-hit-bone way.

Posted by: Courtney at September 21, 2010 11:23 AM

Phew. Dodged a bullet there. I wanted to see it until I realized Squintface Zellweger was the star. Thanks, TK. I'll just do my occassional Bad Seed screening party instead. I invite all my teacher friends over and we cackle at how close that little murderess on the prairie is to our students. Homemade pie is served.

Posted by: Robert at September 21, 2010 11:30 AM

TK, can you explain this to my family? They just don't get it.

Posted by: MissRos at September 21, 2010 11:36 AM

Children are clearly evil and not to be trusted. Oh, yeah, yours is a fucking angel, I’m sure.

No, I just trained her to inflict her sociopathic urges on people outside of the immediate family.

Oh, and no running in the house. It's just smart parenting.

Posted by: branded at September 21, 2010 11:37 AM

Laughing so hard. Mr. PaddyDog and I went through a brief period of wondering if we were being selfish about the whole child-free thing and dallied with the idea of adoption of an older child (poor kid needs home; we have one, etc.). Then we rented "Orphan".

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 21, 2010 11:40 AM

PaddyDog, my favorite part of Orphan is the disclaimer adoption commercial at the beginning, as though to say, "Not ALL adoptions turn out to be secret dwarf psychos."

Posted by: Courtney at September 21, 2010 11:43 AM

Courtney:

I know. We laughed so hard at that. It reminds me of the Bridgestone commercial where there are space men joy-riding around on the moon and there's a disclaimer saying "professional driver on a closed course" just in case anyone decided to go off and joy-ride on the moon next Saturday.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 21, 2010 11:54 AM

Rene Zellweger's face makes me want to punch her. Hard.

Posted by: Jeni at September 21, 2010 12:22 PM

What I don't understand is why this movie is coming out NOW. It was filmed 4 or 5 years ago. Came out in the rest of the world a few years back. Came out on video in the rest of the world last year. Has been on the internet from about a year. I would imagine a lot of the target audience has already seen it.

And it sucks.

Posted by: Sean at September 21, 2010 1:00 PM

Corn monster? TK must be awesome to have around picinics. RUN AWAY, it will KILL YOU with its silky husk!

Posted by: Julie at September 21, 2010 1:49 PM

Weren't there at least trailers for this movie 2+ years ago? I feel like it already came out.

Posted by: Reina at September 21, 2010 2:02 PM

My brother and sister are both into having lots of kids, and collecting other peoples' kids, too. Darling hubby just thanked me the other day for convincing him we didn't need any. My Mom says I'm selfish, but I don't care. I'm happy.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 21, 2010 2:04 PM

@Sean: I think it's because the creepy girl in question played Bree Tanner from Twilight: Eclipse. Her character got a spin-off novella (which was horrible and turned what was once a sympathetic character into a Bella clone) and will possibly (read: definitely) get her own movie when Twilight: Vampire C-Section wraps up Stephenie Meyer's wish fulfillment wank fantasy in a putrid bow of shite. Methinks they're just capitalizing on that.

Posted by: Aislinn at September 21, 2010 2:28 PM

Pfft, my kid isn't a monster. I mean, she did try to microwave popcorn that was already popped, resulting in toxic smoke in the house and a ruined bowl and microwave, but that's just kids!
And I guess there was that time when she poured water on a hot light bulb to see what would happen, causing glass to shatter all over the place. But she had been watching Mythbusters, so...well I suppose there was also that time while I was pregnant where she thought it was fun to rake her toes across my ribs really hard and often...she's also projectile vomited many times, but, you know...shit. I've got to get myself some Holy Water and Super Soakers.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 21, 2010 3:31 PM

guh. i had no idea jodelle ferland was in eclipse, as i will never see it...
but she was AWESOME in tideland and silent hill.
i'll end up seeing this on rental just for her.

Posted by: gp at September 21, 2010 4:58 PM

That little girl is seriously talented. Also, this movie looks scary.

Posted by: Lefty Mothersbaugh at September 21, 2010 7:12 PM

GET OUTTA MY BRAIN, TK.

Seriously. You know what movie pretty much sealed the deal for me? Grace. No thanks. You have all the kids you want, I'm just gonna be over here with my husband, our cats, and our disposable income.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 21, 2010 7:29 PM

Yeah, today, they're sucking out eye goo. Tomorrow, they could be smoking!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at September 21, 2010 10:51 PM

Man, Blondey McCharmingsmile has a really specific worst fear.
"What are you truly afraid of."
"...Bees. Flying out of my mouth when I'm naked."

Posted by: Erin S at September 22, 2010 9:43 PM