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"Burn her anyway!"

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (15)

BlackDeath_bean.jpg

Sean Bean, swords and a decent budget really shouldn’t look as meh as this trailer. Black Death is set during the wee titular epidemic that killed a third of Europe back before they had developed germ theory, microscopes, and Old Spice to properly deal with people constantly dropping dead. But as the trailer points out, there’s a certain village that seems to be completely immune to the effects of the plague, and so Sean Bean sets out with his sword in order to figure out what their secret is. The trailer then helpfully informs us that they’re doing very bad things in the village and it looks like they’re sacrificing people to the devil or some such in order to gain protection from the plague.

Of course, outside the village, entire villages are dying, so I’d love to overhear that conversation:

Boromir: “God really doesn’t like human sacrifice.”

Evil Villager: “But then we don’t die.”

Boromir: “But some of you do.”

Evil Villager: “What happens if we do it God’s way?”

Boromir: “Well, then if one person in the village gets sick, everyone is probably going to die.”

Evil Villager: “But isn’t some of us dying better than all of us dying? Do you know anything about math?”

Boromir: “It’s the 14th century and I carry a sword, what do you think?”

Am I the only one who involuntarily started screaming “The bees, not the bees!” as they strung Bean up at the end of that trailer? In any case, I think the best thing that they could possibly do would be to have a twist in there in which we find out that the villagers are staying healthy because of something like washing their hands. And then there can be the second twist when Boromir massacres them all anyway. The Middle Ages! Because enlightenment is for those poncy Italians!









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Comments

Boromir massacres them all anyway.
---
It's a fair cop.

Posted by: , at December 22, 2010 10:07 AM

I wasn't thinking "the bees."

I was thinking, "FREEEDDDDOOOOMMMMM!"

Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 22, 2010 10:24 AM

Really? People want to watch this?

Also is Sean Bean picking these roles because he wants to or he knows he's damn good at it and will make the big bucks?

Posted by: grace b at December 22, 2010 10:40 AM

I hope they dunk a woman in the river to prove she's a witch, or perhaps a duck. Is 1348 too early for that practice?

Posted by: Robert at December 22, 2010 10:40 AM

Sean Bean has obviously decided that this is his oeuvre, and I agree with him. I will rent this, since going to the theatre to watch movies that are largely gray and depict poverty and death seems a waste of a big screen experience when money is tight.

For the record, I thought nothing like what you folks did when I saw Sean Bean screaming to the heavens in bondage. Am I the only one who went to the dark thoughts place?

Posted by: Reba at December 22, 2010 11:34 AM

heh "poncy"

Posted by: lubeg at December 22, 2010 11:54 AM

Nah, the big reveal at the end is that they've all been eating moldy bread.

Posted by: ahamos at December 22, 2010 12:14 PM

This movie was online 6 months ago. It is..terrible.

Posted by: Sean at December 22, 2010 12:38 PM

Sean Bean looks as if he hasn't bathed since he was struck down by the Uruk-Hai.

Posted by: superasente at December 22, 2010 1:15 PM

You'd think there would be some attempt to make him look a little less like Boromir. He even looks like he's wearing The One Ring there at the end.

I'm super glad I don't live in the 1300s though. Not because of the plague--my weekly human sacrifices keep me healthy--but because of the whole hygiene issue. Every single person there must REEK. Not to mention the fleas, lice, skin conditions, rotting teeth--blech.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 22, 2010 1:40 PM

As someone fascinated by the Black Death (it comes with being a historian), I must see this. The plague, the plague! Up with the Plague! (yayyy) Down with maths! (booo)

Also, the Renaissance only gradually starts in Italy at the end of the 14th century, sorry. 1348 is the Middle Ages still.

Posted by: capitainejanvier at December 22, 2010 1:46 PM

"I hope they dunk a woman in the river to prove she's a witch, or perhaps a duck."

-Posted by: Robert

I'd also suggest building a bridge out of her, but can't one also make bridges of stone?

Posted by: Groundloop at December 22, 2010 2:03 PM

A good thing about the plague is that in the UK where the population dropped by 50%, the surviving peasants found their labour skills were now at a premium and their wages went up considerably. Hurrah for workers' rights! No more serfdom - yay!

p.s. That film looks shit.

Posted by: Simon at December 22, 2010 3:05 PM

This film IS shit. Stay away people.

Posted by: Me at December 23, 2010 3:36 PM

It looks like garbage, but Eddie Redmayne is in it. Translation: I will be watching this. Done and done.

Posted by: Sarah at December 24, 2010 10:19 AM