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Battleship Trailer: It's Just Like the Game! Only with Aliens and Brain Damage!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (43)

Taylor-Kitsch-Battleship-set-3-9-10-kc.jpg

Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, and that Swedish fella the ladies love from “True Blood” star in Peter Berg’s Battleship, which is ostensibly based on the board game. This trailer is below, but before you watch it, ask yourself, “How stupid could it really be?” Then imagine the dumbest version of a movie based on the board game you can conjure up in your head. Now, multiply it by ten.

This is dumber than that.

I can’t believe Kitsch cut his hair off for that.

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Comments

1. Neeson must owe money to the Russian mob or something.
2. Those are some shitty looking uniforms, like something out of a straight-to-DVD Stealth Fighter movie starring ICE T and Rutger Hauer.
3. Rihanna is in it, that about sums up how seriously Peter Berg took this project.
4. Rihanna is in it.
5. Did I mention Rihanna is in it?

/su..su..su..su..sucks ella..ella ella

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at July 27, 2011 11:21 AM

Dear. Sweet. God.

Posted by: scott at July 27, 2011 11:26 AM

HAHAHAHAHHAHA! It comes out in Mayo. Hehehehe. As in mayonnaise, (because I'm 8).

I liked Stephen Colbert and Jeff Goldblum's version better.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 27, 2011 11:31 AM

So Dustin, you wouldn't touch "The Woman" with a 10 ft pole, but you watched this?

Posted by: BWeaves at July 27, 2011 11:34 AM

Okay, no. No, nuh-uh, negatory, nein, nope. I DON'T SEE RED PEGS ANYWHERE.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 27, 2011 11:35 AM

Well that was something.

You think this is happening anywhere near that offshore oil rig from Armageddon? Maybe they can team up.

Posted by: twig at July 27, 2011 11:38 AM

I can't wait for the obligatory "You sunk my battleship!" line.

Posted by: Mike D at July 27, 2011 11:43 AM

Why aliens? Really? Why?

Posted by: Ashley at July 27, 2011 11:48 AM

It has Landry in it too!

Posted by: chad at July 27, 2011 11:48 AM

Man, Neeson doesn't even try with the accents anymore, does he?

Posted by: The Mutt at July 27, 2011 12:31 PM

So, it's Transformers with boats? I don't get it.

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at July 27, 2011 12:43 PM

HIS HAIR! HIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR! *sobs*

@chad - You mean that Lance kid?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 27, 2011 12:43 PM

wait WHAT

Posted by: Dan at July 27, 2011 12:50 PM

Now, it's only on screen briefly, but there are two petty officers in the galley playing a spirited game of battleship. That's where the title came from because otherwise we'd be eagerly awaiting "Generic piece of robot shit" coming to a Redbox near you.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 27, 2011 12:53 PM

But the important question is who gets to utter the all important phrase "You sank my battleship?"
Please let it be Neeson.

Posted by: JenVegas at July 27, 2011 12:53 PM

But battleships don't even exist anymore.

Posted by: Jay at July 27, 2011 12:54 PM

Since Stephen Colbert and Jeff Goldblum have nothing to do with it, I will pretend this doesn't exist.

Posted by: Ozioma at July 27, 2011 12:59 PM

I saw this trailer last night at an advance screening for Cowboys & Aliens (which sucked donkey balls) and when "BATTLESHIP" came across the screen at the end of the trailer the entire audience started laughing.

Posted by: THRILLHO at July 27, 2011 1:12 PM

Can someone explain to me what the hell is it about?

Posted by: MissRos at July 27, 2011 1:26 PM

I have to say, I prefer Kitsch with shorter hair. The Stringy Locks of Brooding never did it for me, so maybe that's the service this abomination of a movie is doing for the world.

Posted by: appwitch at July 27, 2011 1:42 PM

so someone took the Crysis ending and turned it into a movie? wow.

look who's back to flash her mammaries.

Man, Neeson doesn't even try with the accents anymore, does he?

Thank you!

Posted by: haplo at July 27, 2011 1:49 PM

I don't know if it's because I saw the Japan MSDF as part of the task force, the space aliens attacking, the computer HUDs, the WWII-Era built battleships, or pseudo-romance between the protagonist and a hot blonde, but for some reason the theme to "Star Blazers" started humming in my head.

So just for shits and giggles I played the trailer muted with the theme playing in another window. Well it didn't make it any worse anyway... like a crappy American reboot-prequel to "Space Battleship Yamato". The inevitable sequel will feature the battleship rebuilt and going into deep space for Iscandar.

I apologize to all Pajibadom if my saying so makes that into a reality.

Posted by: bleujayone at July 27, 2011 2:10 PM

What really gets me is they had to use a great song from The Black Keys, for the intro. They desirve better... The Black Keys, not this movie.

Also, I thik they just spliced in the leftover CGI effects from Battle: LA and Transformers 3. Maybe if we just combine all three movies and call it "Graphic Arts Student Job Application" we could realy help someone with all this garbage. You know put it to use, because its not like there is a plot anyway.

Posted by: Will23 at July 27, 2011 2:18 PM

Oh, I get it now. The alien ships don't appear on radar, so the guys in the little boat have to call in coordinates. B-7. Hit!

That's so crazy it just might work.

Posted by: The Mutt at July 27, 2011 2:22 PM

That's funny because usually it's the little guys in the boat that don't appear on radar and usually someone is shouting coordinates in order to hit them.

.....

I'll show myself out.

Posted by: bleujayone at July 27, 2011 2:30 PM

I hope instead of delivering the "You sunk my battleship!" line like they did in the old commercials with the camp outrage that they give it some ludicrous gravitas.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 27, 2011 2:45 PM

Sank, rather.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 27, 2011 2:47 PM

Do they know that the US Navy mothballed the battleships decades ago?

And carrier battle groups have enough firepower to kill most of the planet?

And what the fuckied fuckied fuck is Liam doing here? I think he may let his kids pick his roles now.

Posted by: Sean at July 27, 2011 2:54 PM

1. Neeson must owe money to the Russian mob or something.

Naw, even Russian mobsters have better taste. Definitely a Chinese Triad or something with whacked out sensibilities.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at July 27, 2011 3:33 PM

@ BarbadoSlim, re. #2 I can't tell if you're being ironic or not but sadly those crappy blue camouflage abominations are actually part of the USN Seabag.
http://navy-uniform-regulations.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Wear-Guide.jpg

Posted by: midas89 at July 27, 2011 3:39 PM

Tim Riggins and Eric Northman, likely spending the bulk of the movie soaking wet. I see no downside.

Posted by: MG at July 27, 2011 3:59 PM

Midas beat me to it. Yes those blue digital cammies are official US Naval uniforms (Naval Working Uniform aka NWU). And they're comfy as hell.

Posted by: NavyGuy at July 27, 2011 4:05 PM

His hair...

He should never, ever, ever be allowed to cut it. He just looks so ordinary.

Posted by: Pat at July 27, 2011 7:12 PM

Don't care, I'm seeing it for Skarsgard

Posted by: Rachel at July 27, 2011 8:33 PM

Blue Jay Leader to Blue Jay One. Pull out! Pull out!

Posted by: The Mutt at July 27, 2011 8:42 PM

Que?

Posted by: The Middle Todryk. at July 27, 2011 10:18 PM

I'll watch it if Alexander Skarsgard turns into a vampire and kills everyone.

Posted by: buell at July 27, 2011 10:35 PM

Das Butt

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 27, 2011 11:25 PM

Somebody has to make the KKKWWWWOOOOOSHHHHHHH sound when a battleship goes down.

Elaaaaaine ...

Posted by: , at July 28, 2011 11:09 AM

this movie looks absolutley retarded. I'm gonna be all fucking over it. At first I thought it was just going to be some generic war movie then BAM! MOTHER FUCKING ALIENS FROM OUT OF NO WHERE!

Man I'm a sucker for this stupid shit.

Posted by: Ben at July 28, 2011 8:54 PM

They actually towed the USS Missouri out of Pearl Harbor for some shots for this movie. Who doesn't want to see 9x16' guns blow holes in UFO's???

Posted by: Drew at July 29, 2011 3:03 AM

You present a lot helpful ideas! Perhaps I should think of trying to do this myself.

Posted by: DJ Taylormade at August 4, 2011 3:34 PM

"Prepare to fire."
"Sir, which weapons?"
"... All of them..."


I'M SO FUCKING THERE!

Posted by: Joel at August 9, 2011 9:46 PM