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Bang, Marry, Falcon Punch Trailers: It's Going To Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You.

By Jodi Clager | Trailers | May 23, 2013 | Comments ()


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First up is Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Don Jon. JGL directed and stars as Jon Martello, a New Jersey wad who like banging chicks and being generally horny. Enter Scarlett Johansson's Barbara to change his outlook on life and women.

I'm going to Marry this one. JGL, WUT!

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Now entering the arena is the concert film/scripted film Metallica Through The Never. Dane DeHaan plays a roadie for Metallica that is sent on a mission for the band during their sold out concert. DeHaan's character has his life flipped up, turned upside down and blah blah blah. Nimrod Antal wrote and directed this possibly unholy movie hybrid.

I am banging this one. Then getting tested for various STDs and rabies.

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Last of all, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Nick Swardson, Taylor Lautner, and Patrick Schwarzenegger in Grown Ups 2. You know this one is getting falcon punched.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Jezzer

    I honestly don't get the slavering over JGL. You guys do know he's plain-to-somewhat-unattractive, right?

  • Aidan Harr

    I saw Don Jon at a prescreening in Chicago and absolutely fell in love with it. It's not only hilarious but features great acting all around (Julianne Moore stands out in particular). Can't wait to see how people react to it.

  • Mrcreosote

    Oh good, a Grown Ups 2 was made. Well.....at least that money wasn't used to fund atrocity in the Congo, It's all in the perspective.

  • LauraB

    Scarlett Johansson reminds me of Debi Mazar in this...

  • Three_nineteen

    They made a feature-length film about a girl making her boyfriend give up porn for no reason? Boy, I hope Dan Savage reviews this.

  • Patty O'Green

    I'm gonna do whatever that first trailer wants me to do.

    And am I the only one who thinks that Batman gif is pornographic? Because DAMN!

  • Patty O'Green

    Seriously, Michael Keaton should not have that affect on me...

  • melissa82

    Don't go chasing waterfalls Patty.

  • lowercase_see

    Okay, almost had a heart attack. Watched that JGL trailer and took out my headphones ... and I was still hearing Good Vibrations. Turns out it's playing over the speakers at my office and my coworkers did not hear me watching a video about a guy and his porn collection. But for a second there?

  • anikitty

    JGL is banging chicks in that movie? Are you sure? I mean really sure?

  • anikitty

    Not that there's anything wrong with that...

  • lowercase_ryan

    See, music videos aren't dead. You just have to dress them up as a full length feature and charge people $20 to see them.

    Thanks Obama

  • ViciousTrollop

    I'm not sure I want to see JGL starring in a biopic of The Situation.

  • emmelemm

    It's definitely confusing, right?

    But if anybody can do it... I have faith in JGL. OK, mostly I just want to bone JGL. But I have faith!

  • Guest

    Is Falcon Punching all three an option?

    Falcon Punching Grown Ups 2 is a no-brainer but I have neither the desire nor need to marry or bang the other two.

  • Marry and bang the first two.
    Falcon punch that other atrocity.
    I rest my case.
    No wait, I thought that was just a thing lawyers said...
    Case closed.

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