Bandslam Trailer

Don't Even Bother Clicking

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (35)

When a trailer throws some bass drum at you and promises to rock your world, it can’t then give you this. It’s like the Jonas Brothers coming out with blood dripping from their mouths, screeching, “Get ready to have your faces melted off, cuntbuckets! We will eat your souls and fuck your corpses!”

It doesn’t compute. And neither does this trailer for Bandslam, starring one of those droids from High School Musical and Lisa Kudrow, who has apparently decided to give up on life.

My apologies in advance:

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Comments

Sorry...I just...threw up...a little...in my mouth.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 12, 2009 10:51 AM

I... wait... what just happened?

Why do you hate us? WHY DID I CLICK?!

... so cold...

...whimper

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at June 12, 2009 10:51 AM

Um, I've already seen the trailer. I believe it appears on my, uh, Twilight DVD. But, yeah man! It looks like shit. HAHAHAHAHA!
*Ahem*. I'll just go stand in the corner until the Blair Witch decides to eat me or molest me or whatever the crap it is that she does.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 12, 2009 10:55 AM

So I saw the Decemberists play in Boston on Tuesday. It was an amazing show, and I never wanted the night to end.

I don't know what you guys are talking about. My brain instantly replaced whatever I just saw with something infinitely more awesome. Thanks, brain!

Posted by: HB at June 12, 2009 11:00 AM

So that's not Randy Quaid?

Posted by: Jay at June 12, 2009 11:02 AM

Pinky McLadybits Yeah that's where I've seen it from too, and it wouldn't let me skip through to the menu. Evil that is.

I refuse to hide the fact that I have Twilight on DVD. Stone me all you like, it's entertaining.

Posted by: Carrie at June 12, 2009 11:05 AM

They went to the well of musical inspiration for this movie and came up with… early 90's No Doubt? I mean, I love No Doubt, especially Tragic Kingdom, but doesn't it sound a little… dated to anyone else? Ska was getting big right around the time most of the kids in the target age group were born, after all.

Also, just get this from netflix instead and save yourself the money and eyeball hydroplosion: http://www.girlsrockmovie.com/trailer.html

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 12, 2009 11:08 AM

No. Even without sound, that trailer was insubstantial.

They can't be serious about the title. Band Slam? Isn't there a porn trilogy that goes by that name? SHOULDN'T there be a porn trilogy that goes by that name?

Let's break it down: Band. Yes, there clearly is a band, consisting of Vagina Hudgens, a blond wig called "Aly" (lots of porn mileage there, honey), and a boy or two.

Slam. I got nothing, but the urge to smash someone's windpipe. However, in porn terminology, I have hours and hours of inspiration!

Why does Hollywood consistently bring the worst out in us? And when will the tween power stop?

Posted by: malikvlc at June 12, 2009 11:13 AM

You hate us.

That's the only explanation.

I hate you back.

...How did you manage to find something worse than that Brittany Murphy Ramen Girl atrocity?!

Hate you.

Posted by: Jerce at June 12, 2009 11:14 AM

My right eye filled with blood and I pooped myself. Thanks.

Posted by: Skitz at June 12, 2009 11:25 AM

I too saw it on the Twilight DVD. I OWN IT SOLELY FOR THE RIFFTRAX, PEOPLE. (that's what I scream whenever friends come by and stare at it)

Posted by: Courtney at June 12, 2009 11:26 AM

Were those... were those... HORNS?

MOTHERFUCKER, you don't put a horn section in Rock and Roll?
What the fuck you think this is? Chicago?

Posted by: Withnail at June 12, 2009 11:27 AM

Waitasec... Is that kid on the right the same Sturgess kid from that Hannah Montana boyfriend friggin' ad that's always floating around on here? Yeesh.

At least it seems like he has a nice personality...

Posted by: Skitz at June 12, 2009 11:28 AM

you don't put a horn section in Rock and Roll?

See? You're questioning your stance. You're conflicted.

Indeed you can put a horn section into rock and roll.

Posted by: Jay at June 12, 2009 11:32 AM

Due to the possiblity of future progeny possibly growing up to make, watch or like anything even remotely similar to that, I have been rendered permanently impotent.

Thanks Dustin, I was beginning to get tendonitis anyways. Asshole.

Posted by: admin at June 12, 2009 11:35 AM

This is bound to be as good as that awesome Friends Til the End movie I saw on VH1 where Shannen Doherty was in a band and sang in her beautiful, melodic, not nasally or horrible at all voice.
I was rooting for the girl who wanted to kill her.
Movies that Rock, indeed.
Can anybody heeeeear meeeeee

Anyone? Anyone?

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 12, 2009 11:47 AM

Whorish Mouth, I hear you! I totally have that on VHS. It is the greatest made-for-tv movie ever. By greatest, I naturally mean the worst, yet I watch it anyway.

Posted by: Melissa at June 12, 2009 12:00 PM

I think that just gave my eyes a yeast infection.

Posted by: courtney at June 12, 2009 12:06 PM

I call bullshit. HOW THE FUCK is she playing guitar without a right hand?!! Is she just banging the strings with her nub?

Posted by: PissBoy at June 12, 2009 12:31 PM

Whoa. That was more like "Colon Slam"

Posted by: Odnon at June 12, 2009 12:32 PM

I think that did it. I'm turning in my Pajiba card now and heading off to pursue less offensive sites on these here internets. Skitz - what's that crochet website you're always going on about? That seems safe enough.

Posted by: Kolby at June 12, 2009 1:05 PM

I really don't appreciate my local bands enough. I should give Moon and the Frustrations an extra $5 tonight. Or drink an extra 10 beers, same thing.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 1:14 PM

"Let's start SHREDDING!!!" (?)

You keep using that word... I do not think it means what you think it means.

Unless you're referring to our souls.

Posted by: bev rage at June 12, 2009 1:14 PM

I've been waiting for news of this movie to appear. That guy, Gaelen Connell, is my friend's ex-boyfriend. We all think this movie is going to be hilarious. I feel like I have to see it but I don't want to pay for it.

He's an ok guy though, just ridiculously awkward.

Posted by: esteefyou at June 12, 2009 1:29 PM

Also, can we talk about the awful art direction in that picture? All three "leads" are looking down towards the camera with their mouths slightly agape. It's what movie vampires do right before the CGI kicks in and they grow fangs… OH MY GOD, I KNOW THE TWIST! This is actually a Twilight off shoot and it ends with the whiny kid with the curly hair getting his blood sucked by the one who's pubic grooming habits I know, which the blonde one sets him up for because she's an evil vampire queen! And then Edward Cullen shows up with the chick who thinks she's Joan Jett from the post below and there's a battle royale between the three girls for Edward while the man himself like, paints his nails and thinks deep thoughts, or whatever.

THAT would be AWESOME.

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 12, 2009 2:16 PM

There not even releasing it in theaters, you have to go to a cinema to see it.

Posted by: John at June 12, 2009 5:09 PM

I'm...I'm just so conflicted. The little girl yelled, "Let's start shredding!" and then the trailer cut to a No Doubt-esque overwritten pop ballad. Whaaaa? I mean, there were some songs later in the trailer that would've served better. It still would've sucked but it wouldn't have caused the same misfiring of neurons. I...what?

Posted by: Annie at June 12, 2009 5:28 PM

The Jonas Brothers would eat these people for brunch.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 6:36 PM

Pure fuckery.

Posted by: greer at June 12, 2009 7:53 PM

BREAD ROCKS!

And, OK, I laughed when the dork flipped HSM girl's hat off her head.

Posted by: SaBrina at June 12, 2009 8:01 PM

Is it just me, or did it sound like they were 'introducing' Lisa Kudrow?

Yes, OK, I made it to the end. But surely, if you're 'introducing' someone, you say they're name last? We all know who Lisa Kudrow is.

Once again, a small about of my will to live is lost forever...

Posted by: redfeathers at June 12, 2009 11:51 PM

What just happened?

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Posted by: Pattyly at June 14, 2009 3:10 PM

Oh I just started crying with laughter at that Jonas Brothers image. Thank you for making my day!

Posted by: Alayna at June 16, 2009 1:46 AM

That sounds shit :P it sounds like freakingg jazz! and im shocked that ally
(ot is it aj :S)
would get herself into crap like thisss:Oxx

Wont be watching thisss :S

Posted by: Niamh :) at July 30, 2009 6:22 PM

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