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The One Where I Rip Your Brain Waves in Half

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trailers | Comments (61)

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I just want to try something really quick here, for funsies. I want everyone that’s reading this post to take a few minutes and watch these two new trailers back-to-back.

When you’re done, write down how it made you feel. I think we should see some interesting results:




Makes your brain feel funny, huh? Yeah. That’s the blood loss. You’ll get used to it. I’d recommend writing your blood type down on a Post-It and sticking it to your chest, just in case.







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Comments

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
*twitch*

Posted by: esme at October 8, 2009 6:06 PM

Fire bad. Tree pretty.

Posted by: Sarah Woolley at October 8, 2009 6:07 PM

My thoughts take the form of limericks.
1. There once was a film about chipmunks
They want us to think they are hip hunks
But just watch and it shows,
You can see that it blows
A profusion of rodent-sized shit chunks.

2. A magical man we'll call Terry
Are his films surreal? Oh, yes, very.
This one 'bout Parnassus,
We won't let it pass us,
Looks marvelous if just a bit scary.

Posted by: Cat at October 8, 2009 6:12 PM

The Alvin and the Chipmunks trailer made me wish I could grow a penis just so I could bite it off and bleed to death very slowly. It's the least I deserve for giving away 1:51 seconds of my life.

I've had Single Ladies stuck in my head for days now, but Single Ladies in a squeaky voice merits auto dick-biting.

Posted by: Sofía at October 8, 2009 6:14 PM

Oh weird. It really does feel like my brain is being ripped in half. I think I need a drink...

Posted by: brenia at October 8, 2009 6:19 PM

1. why couldn't jason lee just come to ME for the money?
2. i think i just found my new fuck-pillow.

Posted by: gp at October 8, 2009 6:26 PM

How do I feel? Confused, bewildered, a little scared.

That "squeakquel" will NEVER be as good as "The Chipmunk Adventure." NEVER!

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 8, 2009 6:33 PM

Well, the first one made my brain hurt. It also made me want to use a mace on Jason Lee's frontal lobe.
The second trailer made me weepy. I am very excited to see Parnassus and very sad that Heath Ledger is no longer with us.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at October 8, 2009 6:33 PM

The Parnassus trailer not only makes up for the chipmunk thing (that chipmunk thing is the audio/visual equivalent of a week-old forgotten tampon, isn't it?)...

...it also makes up for the entirety of Pajiba's ass-to-mouth centipede obsession of the past week or so; for my exhaustion and depression over my new job; for the bad chicken salad that made me sick for several days last month; for the shitass economic situation...basically nearly every bad experience in life barring the death of a loved one.

I do feel a twinge seeing Heath Ledger, mainly because seeing him makes me feel a terrible yearning for the wonderful work he would have given us in the future had he lived. That's gonna ache for a while, I'm afraid.

Posted by: Jerce at October 8, 2009 6:36 PM

I suspect I'm way outside the norm here, but...

First reaction: "Yay Chipmunks!" followed by the rational part of my brain clamping down and saying "Bad boy! No treat for you!" Yes, I'm aware the first one probably sucked and that this one will likely suck worse. But I have a huge soft spot for the chipmunks. It might be a character flaw. We could also characterize it as lingering childhood illness.

So the first one didn't hurt my brain so much as it did my nostalgia, which is located primarily in the bone marrow.

Seriously.

Just trust me. I'm a scientist.

As for the second trailer.... fairly standard Hollywood incoherence, wot? (This is where I start watching for approaching pitchforks). As usual, they handed a rough cut of the movie to some brain surgeon from marketing who couldn't create his way out of a paper bag and he squatted and grunted until a trailer fell out. By turns visually interesting and visually confusing, utterly devoid of content other than the identities of the actors involved and out of context words from reviews...... basically, it's impossible to draw any meaningful conclusions from it.

Seems like they followed the standard trailer recipe, and left me with no way to determine if it's going to be an amazing triumph of filmmaking or an appalling dump taken on Ledger's grave. Gilliam is brilliant in many ways, but he's about as consistent as Ben Kingsley's script choices.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at October 8, 2009 6:40 PM

Squeakquel. It makes me feel... so much, so much at once. It's as glorious in its utter shitness as it is remarkable in its complete disregard for common decency and intelligence.

The Terry Gilliam one... the man can do no wrong (provided one exempts him from all he's done wrong). TOM WAITS. I forgave him Mystery Men, for fucks sake. I'll forgive him this. And Lily Cole? She's too nice a person for me to begrudge her.

I don't know how I feel. Momentarily distracted, I suppose. Now that I'm done I'm back to wondering... should I crack that second bottle of vodka or just go to sleep?

Answers don't come easy but I think we all know what will end up happening.

Posted by: TSF at October 8, 2009 6:43 PM

Brain freeze caused by some cheap ass fake slushie, followed by the finest turtle sundae Michael's ever assembled.

Posted by: funtime42 at October 8, 2009 6:44 PM

Worst porno ever.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 8, 2009 6:45 PM

Braaaaaaaaainss!

Posted by: admin at October 8, 2009 6:47 PM

One half of my brain just attacked the other half.

Posted by: Odnon at October 8, 2009 6:58 PM

and squeakqual is now my new favorite word

Posted by: buttercup at October 8, 2009 7:00 PM

Squeakquel? SQUEAKQUEL?? Oh fuck me sideways. Allow me to share the voices in my head through that trailer:
"What? No... no... no... what does that even mean? Chipmunk football?? No, seriously?? Single Ladies??? SINGLEMOTHERFUCKINGLADIES????"

At which point I stabbed myself in the eye.

However, the lovely Parnassus trailer was very soothing to the remaining eye.

Posted by: redhead at October 8, 2009 7:03 PM

www.MunkYourself.com??

You know what Jason Lee, Munk you, you can munk yourself right in the ass. I loved you. Oh how I loved you when I was just a wee lass of 10 and I saw you in Mall Rats. You've officially sold yourself to the mother-fuckin' devil, I'm sure of it. Also, you look like shit. Do you know how much it pains me to say that?? In my sadness I was unable to get to the second trailer. Forgive me.

*sob*

Posted by: ashes at October 8, 2009 7:06 PM

Oh ashes, ashes, all fell down.

Little did you know how close you came.

Posted by: Cat at October 8, 2009 7:12 PM

First trailer: lost me where the guy was on crutches...I don't care how cute the CGI chipmunks are..never ever going to see this!

Second trailer: I want! I want! I want!

Posted by: brite at October 8, 2009 7:26 PM

Fire...Everything must burn with the cleansing power of fire...

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at October 8, 2009 7:30 PM

um, jeremy, fire doesn't clean, it blackens.

SHARON!

Posted by: gp at October 8, 2009 7:42 PM

"As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?"

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at October 8, 2009 7:50 PM

*watches videos, cries a little, bleeds in the internal head area*

I dislike you immensely.

Posted by: Lauren at October 8, 2009 8:09 PM

I lost the will to live about 21 seconds into the "Squequel" trailer.

FUCKING HELL!!! JESSE MCCARTHY WITH HIS VOICE SPED UP COVERING A SONG BY MOTHERFUCKING FLO RIDA!?! I'LL CUT EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INVOLVED!!! ESPECIALLY YOU, FLO RIDA!!!

But just before I got the knife, I saw the Dr. Parsamuss trailer, I gained back my will to live, until I realized I will never see Heath Ledger again. You'll hear about Flo Rida's gruesome death on this site sometime tomorrow.

Posted by: George at October 8, 2009 8:19 PM

First: Stunned. This is sick.
Second: Oh no, this, this is? TOM WAITS. Nose mask. Creepy. TOM WAITS. Yet attractive. Feel Faint. TOM WAITS. Pretty. Oooh. TERRY GILLIAM. Yes.Yes.Yes.

I'm not clear on what "Munk Yourself" means, but am quite certain I need not find out. Ever. And is it just me, or where the chipmunks a lot bigger in the tv show, like big enough that it made sense that they went to school with people?

Oh, I will never forgive Jason Lee. I have lost all respect for him.

The Gilliam picture... he's magic. I'll see it. However, I'm rather disgusted at how they smeared Tom Waits' wonderful presence, made me sit there on the edge of my seat, holding my breath just waiting for him to finally get his name in the credits (cause that's happened how many times since Down By Law? Zero? Uh huh)...

And they pulled out Colin Fucking Ferrel in the end. DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD BIG WIGS!

Posted by: Vinci at October 8, 2009 8:25 PM

I'm kind of surprised at how sad I just got watching the Gilliam trailer. Seeing Jude Law, Colin Farrell, and Johnny Depp in Heath Ledger's clothes and knowing they're only in it because he couldn't finish the film, the brief shot of Heath Ledger smiling happily, and then Johnny Depp saying "Nothing's permanent, not even death" -- it all kinda hit me in the chest. I don't know if I'll be able to watch this, actually. At least not for a while.

Posted by: lizzie (greeneyed fem) at October 8, 2009 8:34 PM

The first one made me feel insulted. Even more so because the voice of that narrator is usually associated with happy time.

The second one made me feel like I want to put my ass in a theater seat with a big bag of popcorn.

Posted by: EricD at October 8, 2009 8:42 PM

The answer is.......2!

Did I win? Huh? Do I get a prize? Do I, do I, huh?

You'll take down the first P.O.S.? Oh, Thank you!

Posted by: Eyvi at October 8, 2009 8:49 PM

Ahhh, Christmas day 2009. First the family gathers around the tree early early in the morning to take turns kicking each other in the junk, nibbling on glasss shards and huffing wasp spray. Then off to the park for a brisk game of lick the hobo, and lunch at everyone's favorite resturant, the Dogshit cafe! And finally, as a the topper to the day celebrating the birth of the messiah, it's the SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEQUEL!!!

It's times like this when being Jewish rocks. No one ever pulls this crap on Passover.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at October 8, 2009 8:59 PM

The Dr. Parnassus trailer makes me kinda sad: seriously for Heath Ledger, superficially for the fact that I was thiiiiiissssss close to being in the same area as the hotness trifecta of Depp, Farrell, & Law. If my job had held out for a few more weeks, I could have had some prime stalking opportunities. Anyways, I really want to watch this.

Posted by: Lauren at October 8, 2009 9:16 PM

the first one made my eyes bleed. and my ears. and I vomited a little.

the second one made me wish i still did mushrooms.

Posted by: irene of the north at October 8, 2009 10:20 PM

Through the first, I sat wondering who would see such a movie.

Through the second, I knew exactly who would see such a movie. Me.

Posted by: Cindy at October 8, 2009 10:29 PM

Oh Pajiba, how you toy with my emotions.

Fresh off the Office thread, I scroll down and ride the rollercoaster of Chipmunk hatred and Gilliam love.

Then a grin from Heath, and I'm gone.

*sniff*

Posted by: mswas at October 8, 2009 10:45 PM

Jerce, I want you to know that I was taking a huge swig of water when I read your comment about the forgotten tampon, and I literally almost spit all over my keyboard. Thank you for that. And I couldn't agree more about Heath Ledger.

Posted by: AMT at October 8, 2009 10:53 PM

The first one made me want to kill this computer, just to make it stop.

The second one was the exact opposite. That movie looks fabulous!

Posted by: tamatha at October 8, 2009 10:59 PM

Noooooooo! Lure me in with pics of Beaker, then mash my brain with chipmunks. Curse you villain!

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at October 8, 2009 11:00 PM

That first one...I felt....Queasy with shame. And I knew that This is why the terrorists hate us.

Then, I felt disoriented, because the second one was like a cool shot of Maalox, fighting the queasiness into submission.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at October 9, 2009 12:00 AM

Tracer, not to 50!

I'm sorry, I just couldn't watch the first one. And the only Gilliam I have seen is Brothers Grimm, so as gorgeous as this looks, I have my reservations.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at October 9, 2009 12:30 AM

gmtjg-8cov?!
oy6to07l]kbo kjgtj 459jiot smkr mkerfkmnc
amnrn mgmn5knt...GMOKETNI#!

Posted by: Rykker at October 9, 2009 3:54 AM

God that looks good...wait, what was the first trailer again?

Oh that's right...the final nail in the coffin of Jason Lee's career.

Posted by: Smokin at October 9, 2009 4:07 AM

Sorry, I chickened out. I couldn't make it through the whole Chipmunks trailer. I was gettng a KILLER headache! The only reason it may have gotten a minute coolness factor was because of the trailer voice over dude. Isn't his voice awesome?

Parnassus? Simple. I'll be there.

Posted by: Four Eyes at October 9, 2009 5:52 AM

My thoughts.

Trailer #1: Squeaqkuel? Oh. I. Can. NOT.

Trailer #2: I'm there. I am pretty much Terry Gilliam's bitch.

Posted by: greer at October 9, 2009 7:42 AM

lol...really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __Tall connect Co M___, do you hear this before?

Posted by: Oliver at October 9, 2009 8:18 AM

I feel like I was just skull-munked and now my brain is dripping out.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2009 9:19 AM

I will NOT watch Chipmunks, I won't!
I won't watch them cause they lick scrote.
Jason Lee is such a cool guy,
Why did you do this movie, Jason, why?

I used to like Alvin and the rest
When I was a kid they were the best.
They were cartoons and looked cheesy.
Now they make my eyeballs feel greasy.

I WILL watch Parnassus, I will!
For Heath, Johnny, Jude and Colin Farrell.
Terry Gilliam is one crazy dude,
But his movies MUST be viewed!

Tom Waits as the Devil is great,
and Christopher Plummer defying fate.
Don't know the girl, but she's pretty,
Hope her acting skills aren't shitty.

So, in review, NO Chipmunks, YES Parnassus
Hopefully it'll lure the masses
Please let TK review Chipmunks
So he can tear them new ass chunks

My poem is now done, and so
It's back to boring work I go
Thinking of Heath, Johnny, Jude and Colin
and wishing someone would shove a chipmunk
up the colon
of whoever keeps producing their movies.

Posted by: dammitjanet at October 9, 2009 9:41 AM

As I'm hungry right now, I'll liken the two trailers to food.

The Chipmunks are like an extra large bag of pork rinds. You know that they aren't good for you, but once you sit down with them you can't stop eating them until they're gone. I'll probably have to sit through this one with my kids.

Parnassis is like one of those dishes from Iron Chef where the secret ingredient is sea urchin. You are presented with a lovely looking dish that you can't quite figure out where to start or what it will end up tasting like. But with ingredients like Ledger, Plummer, Waits and Gilliam, I can't wait to try it.

Posted by: me at October 9, 2009 9:56 AM

Trailer 1: Hovered that fine line of suck and mediocrity, until the last 30 seconds or so. (First words out of my mouth when "Single Ladies" started up..."Death".) Oh, and your "big surprise" matches the "big surprise" that evacuates from the hindquarters of my girlfriend's German Shepherd, except the dog's cute when he shits. You're just pathetic. 20th Century Fox, why don't you go "Munk Yourself" and give me my sequel to Taken? DI DI MAO~!

Trailer 2: I can't wait to see this stuff on a full sized movie screen, and a fitting cap to the career of Heath Ledger. I hope this film does his career justice. (When obviously it goddamn will.)

Also, this makes me think that they should have hired Terry Gilliam to direct the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel. Cast Christoper Plummer as Dave Seville, and Tom Waits as the three Chipmunks (voice unaltered). The story would go as follows: after fifty years of the spotlight, the Chipmunks have munked up their lives with the excesses of celebrity. Theodore is on Celebrity Fit Club, Simon is hosting "So You're Smarter Than A Rock Pile", and Alvin is hosting Survivor: Bayonne. The hard drinking, hard partying lifestyles they used to live have left them with rough edged voices, and even rougher souls.

To resurrect their flagging careers, Dave decides to get them together and write some original songs to throw on a comeback record. And thus begins their newest collaboration, "Too Drunk to Munk", an album of tunes that highlight the lowlights of their lives. (Which will be an album of Waits penned/crooned tunes, and will be accompanied by visual imagery.) With such songs as "Malaysia Ain't Pretty In the Sunlight" (Alvin's ballad about heroine addiction), "Two Timing and Double Dealing Darling of Mine" (Simon's heartbreaking song about his on and off relationship with Jeanette), and "The Chubbiness of My Soul" (Theodore's story of mental problems that caused him to eat everything starting with the letter "B".), "Too Drunk to Munk" also marks their final collaboration as the three of them fulfill the suicide pact they made in the beginning. ("Once we hit fifty, death'll be nifty!")

Dave finds Simon drown in a beaker of water, Theodore buried in a Creme Brulee, and Alvin with a mini revolver, video camera and spotlight pointed at him as he pulls the trigger. His last words: "I should have died years ago." Dave buries the remains, and we're treated to a (traditional voiced) Chipmunk version of Mad World. Fade to black.

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at October 9, 2009 10:08 AM

You know what Chipmunk movie I might see?

The Chipmunk Centipede
The Final Sequence


Dave finally snaps having to care for the annoying trio of Chipmunks, and performs a diabolical experiment on them, making them the first Chipmunk-epede. However, in the process of fusing Alvin, Simon & Theodore, Dave accidently triggers a malevolent force within the chipmunks, which causes Theodore (the 3rd in line) to devour Simon, then Alvin. We are therefore left with Theodore, the kneecap-less, toothless Alpha/Omega of the munk-epede. He wiggles his way on a killing spree across the southwest proper, chasing Dave for revenge, until he is finally brought down by Kevin Smith, who sits on him. Kevin thereby saves Jason Lee from any more horrible Chipmunk films, and frees him up to film "Azreal's Tale: Hey, I'm a Frickin' Demon!" wherein Azreal tries to right all the wrongs he has done throughout history, working from a very long list.

Posted by: dammitjanet at October 9, 2009 10:22 AM

Wow, DC, that is a movie I would watch the hell out of. Amazing. Amazing and hilarious.

Posted by: elizabeth at October 9, 2009 10:27 AM

Second thoughts on the Squeakuel trailer, upon second viewing: I want to hurt the animators involved, and the scriptwriters who wrote this miserable piece of shit. We truly are all doomed because of this. Also, Anna Faris is mighty close to squandering the newly found goodwill she earned from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Why do they even cast big names as the Chipmunks/ettes anyway?! Their voices are sped up, you can't really tell who's who anyway?! What the fuck?! Why are you taking actresses who are actually funny and making them do this?!

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at October 9, 2009 12:09 PM

1) I didn't like the Chipmunks when it was the '80s and they were a poorly animated cartoon. I'm certainly not going to enjoy them now. So glad I don't have anklebiters of my own who would clamor to see this movie.

2) Aside from the sorrow about Heath Ledger, I'm excited to see this. Say what you will about Terry Gilliam, at least he's never boring.

Posted by: minorblue at October 9, 2009 12:53 PM

Posted by: dammitjanet at October 9, 2009 9:41 AM

i love any poem with the word 'scrote' in it.
/pass

Posted by: gp at October 9, 2009 1:59 PM

Trailer 1 actually made me feel sorry for Dead or Alive.

I have no idea what to say about Trailer 2, because I did not understand one second of it.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at October 9, 2009 10:19 PM

Trailer 1: Made me yearn for "The Chipmunks Adventure" and glad that I never saw the first Chipmunks movie. My boyfriend, however who, for some odd reason found the first hilarious and was looking over my shoulder while I watched the trailer insists that we shall be there on Christmas Day. Then again, he doesn't really know much English so I think I can trick him into thinking we're watching this POS and go watch something else.

Trailer 2: WOW. Looks awesome and purty and awesome and some more awesome. Sadness when Heath shows up but I drool over watchin Depp (though Jude Law and Colin Farrel aren't bad on the eyes either) and I am so dragging bf to see this even though he'll claim it sucks and probably try to fall asleep midway.

As far as the Chipmunk Centipede idea? Ew. Way to kill my childhood, guys. I was still a child of the '80s so, whether or not I like what they're doing to this show now...I still have a fondness for the, er, Munks.

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