Pajiba

Fire bad. Tree pretty.

The Alvin and the Chipmunks trailer made me wish I could grow a penis just so I could bite it off and bleed to death very slowly. It's the least I deserve for giving away 1:51 seconds of my life.

I've had Single Ladies stuck in my head for days now, but Single Ladies in a squeaky voice merits auto dick-biting.

1. why couldn't jason lee just come to ME for the money?
2. i think i just found my new fuck-pillow.

Well, the first one made my brain hurt. It also made me want to use a mace on Jason Lee's frontal lobe.
The second trailer made me weepy. I am very excited to see Parnassus and very sad that Heath Ledger is no longer with us.

I suspect I'm way outside the norm here, but...

First reaction: "Yay Chipmunks!" followed by the rational part of my brain clamping down and saying "Bad boy! No treat for you!" Yes, I'm aware the first one probably sucked and that this one will likely suck worse. But I have a huge soft spot for the chipmunks. It might be a character flaw. We could also characterize it as lingering childhood illness.

So the first one didn't hurt my brain so much as it did my nostalgia, which is located primarily in the bone marrow.

Seriously.

Just trust me. I'm a scientist.

As for the second trailer.... fairly standard Hollywood incoherence, wot? (This is where I start watching for approaching pitchforks). As usual, they handed a rough cut of the movie to some brain surgeon from marketing who couldn't create his way out of a paper bag and he squatted and grunted until a trailer fell out. By turns visually interesting and visually confusing, utterly devoid of content other than the identities of the actors involved and out of context words from reviews...... basically, it's impossible to draw any meaningful conclusions from it.

Seems like they followed the standard trailer recipe, and left me with no way to determine if it's going to be an amazing triumph of filmmaking or an appalling dump taken on Ledger's grave. Gilliam is brilliant in many ways, but he's about as consistent as Ben Kingsley's script choices.

Brain freeze caused by some cheap ass fake slushie, followed by the finest turtle sundae Michael's ever assembled.

Braaaaaaaaainss!

and squeakqual is now my new favorite word

www.MunkYourself.com??

You know what Jason Lee, Munk you, you can munk yourself right in the ass. I loved you. Oh how I loved you when I was just a wee lass of 10 and I saw you in Mall Rats. You've officially sold yourself to the mother-fuckin' devil, I'm sure of it. Also, you look like shit. Do you know how much it pains me to say that?? In my sadness I was unable to get to the second trailer. Forgive me.

*sob*

First trailer: lost me where the guy was on crutches...I don't care how cute the CGI chipmunks are..never ever going to see this!

Second trailer: I want! I want! I want!

um, jeremy, fire doesn't clean, it blackens.

SHARON!

*watches videos, cries a little, bleeds in the internal head area*

I dislike you immensely.

First: Stunned. This is sick.
Second: Oh no, this, this is? TOM WAITS. Nose mask. Creepy. TOM WAITS. Yet attractive. Feel Faint. TOM WAITS. Pretty. Oooh. TERRY GILLIAM. Yes.Yes.Yes.

I'm not clear on what "Munk Yourself" means, but am quite certain I need not find out. Ever. And is it just me, or where the chipmunks a lot bigger in the tv show, like big enough that it made sense that they went to school with people?

Oh, I will never forgive Jason Lee. I have lost all respect for him.

The Gilliam picture... he's magic. I'll see it. However, I'm rather disgusted at how they smeared Tom Waits' wonderful presence, made me sit there on the edge of my seat, holding my breath just waiting for him to finally get his name in the credits (cause that's happened how many times since Down By Law? Zero? Uh huh)...

And they pulled out Colin Fucking Ferrel in the end. DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD BIG WIGS!

The first one made me feel insulted. Even more so because the voice of that narrator is usually associated with happy time.

The second one made me feel like I want to put my ass in a theater seat with a big bag of popcorn.

Ahhh, Christmas day 2009. First the family gathers around the tree early early in the morning to take turns kicking each other in the junk, nibbling on glasss shards and huffing wasp spray. Then off to the park for a brisk game of lick the hobo, and lunch at everyone's favorite resturant, the Dogshit cafe! And finally, as a the topper to the day celebrating the birth of the messiah, it's the SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEQUEL!!!

It's times like this when being Jewish rocks. No one ever pulls this crap on Passover.

the first one made my eyes bleed. and my ears. and I vomited a little.

the second one made me wish i still did mushrooms.

Oh Pajiba, how you toy with my emotions.

Fresh off the Office thread, I scroll down and ride the rollercoaster of Chipmunk hatred and Gilliam love.

Then a grin from Heath, and I'm gone.

*sniff*

The first one made me want to kill this computer, just to make it stop.

The second one was the exact opposite. That movie looks fabulous!

That first one...I felt....Queasy with shame. And I knew that This is why the terrorists hate us.

Then, I felt disoriented, because the second one was like a cool shot of Maalox, fighting the queasiness into submission.

gmtjg-8cov?!
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amnrn mgmn5knt...GMOKETNI#!

Sorry, I chickened out. I couldn't make it through the whole Chipmunks trailer. I was gettng a KILLER headache! The only reason it may have gotten a minute coolness factor was because of the trailer voice over dude. Isn't his voice awesome?

Parnassus? Simple. I'll be there.

lol...really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __Tall connect Co M___, do you hear this before?

I will NOT watch Chipmunks, I won't!
I won't watch them cause they lick scrote.
Jason Lee is such a cool guy,
Why did you do this movie, Jason, why?

I used to like Alvin and the rest
When I was a kid they were the best.
They were cartoons and looked cheesy.
Now they make my eyeballs feel greasy.

I WILL watch Parnassus, I will!
For Heath, Johnny, Jude and Colin Farrell.
Terry Gilliam is one crazy dude,
But his movies MUST be viewed!

Tom Waits as the Devil is great,
and Christopher Plummer defying fate.
Don't know the girl, but she's pretty,
Hope her acting skills aren't shitty.

So, in review, NO Chipmunks, YES Parnassus
Hopefully it'll lure the masses
Please let TK review Chipmunks
So he can tear them new ass chunks

My poem is now done, and so
It's back to boring work I go
Thinking of Heath, Johnny, Jude and Colin
and wishing someone would shove a chipmunk
up the colon
of whoever keeps producing their movies.

Trailer 1: Hovered that fine line of suck and mediocrity, until the last 30 seconds or so. (First words out of my mouth when "Single Ladies" started up..."Death".) Oh, and your "big surprise" matches the "big surprise" that evacuates from the hindquarters of my girlfriend's German Shepherd, except the dog's cute when he shits. You're just pathetic. 20th Century Fox, why don't you go "Munk Yourself" and give me my sequel to Taken? DI DI MAO~!

Trailer 2: I can't wait to see this stuff on a full sized movie screen, and a fitting cap to the career of Heath Ledger. I hope this film does his career justice. (When obviously it goddamn will.)

Also, this makes me think that they should have hired Terry Gilliam to direct the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel. Cast Christoper Plummer as Dave Seville, and Tom Waits as the three Chipmunks (voice unaltered). The story would go as follows: after fifty years of the spotlight, the Chipmunks have munked up their lives with the excesses of celebrity. Theodore is on Celebrity Fit Club, Simon is hosting "So You're Smarter Than A Rock Pile", and Alvin is hosting Survivor: Bayonne. The hard drinking, hard partying lifestyles they used to live have left them with rough edged voices, and even rougher souls.

To resurrect their flagging careers, Dave decides to get them together and write some original songs to throw on a comeback record. And thus begins their newest collaboration, "Too Drunk to Munk", an album of tunes that highlight the lowlights of their lives. (Which will be an album of Waits penned/crooned tunes, and will be accompanied by visual imagery.) With such songs as "Malaysia Ain't Pretty In the Sunlight" (Alvin's ballad about heroine addiction), "Two Timing and Double Dealing Darling of Mine" (Simon's heartbreaking song about his on and off relationship with Jeanette), and "The Chubbiness of My Soul" (Theodore's story of mental problems that caused him to eat everything starting with the letter "B".), "Too Drunk to Munk" also marks their final collaboration as the three of them fulfill the suicide pact they made in the beginning. ("Once we hit fifty, death'll be nifty!")

Dave finds Simon drown in a beaker of water, Theodore buried in a Creme Brulee, and Alvin with a mini revolver, video camera and spotlight pointed at him as he pulls the trigger. His last words: "I should have died years ago." Dave buries the remains, and we're treated to a (traditional voiced) Chipmunk version of Mad World. Fade to black.

Wow, DC, that is a movie I would watch the hell out of. Amazing. Amazing and hilarious.

1) I didn't like the Chipmunks when it was the '80s and they were a poorly animated cartoon. I'm certainly not going to enjoy them now. So glad I don't have anklebiters of my own who would clamor to see this movie.

2) Aside from the sorrow about Heath Ledger, I'm excited to see this. Say what you will about Terry Gilliam, at least he's never boring.

Trailer 1 actually made me feel sorry for Dead or Alive.

I have no idea what to say about Trailer 2, because I did not understand one second of it.

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